Locked Out

Now I'm locked out

Can't find my way in,

Fire from both sides

From out and within.

We shout and we cry

We live and we learn,

It hurts to cross a bridge

That you set to burn.

Dare to take that step

And you'll feel the heat

From your burning trail of lies

Betrayal beneath your feet.

I've fallen too far

Can't go back the way I've come

Thought I left to slay the beast

With the monster I've become.

When you threw away the key

Did you lock it out or in?

Find the key, tame the beast, pull

Out of the fire if you'd let me in.

I'll wake to dream

Ride sleepless mares of night.

Say you're looking for peace

Yet you follow the fight.

They said I couldn't hide

But now where do I run?

Locked in with broken bridges,

And the monster I've become.

Lost and Found

This might sound weird but I like feeling sad sometimes. Of course not liking when bad things happen, not when people suffer, but personally feeling sadness as an emotion seems to be important in some ways. I mean, if you can feel the pain at least that means you're not dead, right? Also, when it's sadness over personal things, excluding serious things, such as when people are suffering, it's a contrast to happiness, so that we can appreciate and see the happiness when it's there. (Not quite the same way how in the autumn everything is dying and it's so beautiful, that's not what I mean).

So yes, sometimes there is sadness, but in some ways that's okay.

Then again, there are days when I'm tired of feeling sad and just want to feel genuinely happy

Also, that doesn't mean that you should always want to be sad because if being sad is the only thing that makes you happy then you're missing something.

But that's okay too, because when something is missing or there is something to be longing for then that means there is something wonderful to be found. Whether you had it before or never did, whether it takes years or the blink of an eye to find for the first, second, or last time, we are all essentially seekers of the same things. I won't try to say what it is here, because I want you to hear what its name is in your own mind. Some people have given up looking and if you find yourself in that situation then know that does not mean you can't start again.

I think sometimes people are afraid to start again because they're afraid to see how far they have gone from a place that they were once happy with, but then that's where the saying comes in: Happiness is not a destination, it is a journey. 

Real Power

Never believe that you are useless. You have the authority to deem someone unarguably important, and the power to let them know.

Rest

We think and we learn,

We bend and we break,

We fix minds over and over this mistake.

Things we've done before

And things you can't ignore,

Even buried six feet under alive under growth oh forest floor.

Dying replaces sleeping,

Sowing lessons without reaping,

Write it out for safekeeping?

Feelings that should be speaking.

Beg the wind to return lost words,

And take us with the birds,

They know not this jealousy to obsession so absurd.

A year's night for each slip,

Searching for each powdery chip,

Read the letters in your eyes, taste the difference on your lips.

Bitter taste of a lie,

Cacophony of goodbye,

Wash sins away with the tears that we cry.

How after to live?

What more should I give?

Scarlet loops stringing up each ragged breath to relive.

Learn to forgive worst to best,

See each trial as opportune test,

To forgive and do right then you too may rest.

You learned and sowed.

And yes you did grow.

You deserve to reap also the good from the things you now know.

You don't still have to pay,

The better parts can stay.

Grow from the past and never forsake today.

Revive

Eyes open now to watch the fire,

Wake such reveries with slow revive

To feel the meltdown burn alive.

Crystalline snow sings its first hello

Just to ring out a last goodbye.

Jack Frost knows to forsake the flow

Just to miss the springtime cry.

If cracked and frozen from this cold world,

Hold a candle to a broken heart

And let it burn just to catch a spark.

I'd rather live and feel the pain

Then to have never felt at all.

You'd never grow if you stopped the rain

Yet the sky still cares to know how tall.

Accepting burn just to feel the sun

Shadows dapple pained ultraviolet rush;

Go quiet to hear the wind hush.

Yet I'll live through the darkest day

To watch the turn of all the brightest night.

Climb uphill in guilt till my debt is repaid,

Then fall again to take flight.

Burning Bright

Settling dusk and stirring dawn

Gives rise to the gradual fade

Of the settling wind passing through the night

Naming whispers I have repaid.

Lying down it murmurs dreams into an ear

That has caught too many tears and cries.

Drops fall from the sky and drown the sound,

Open ears deafened by these eyes.

Overflowing from inside out
Until no feeling is left to flow.
Obscuring the words in the wind
Unsure of what has been let go.

If a heavy heart grows cold and numb

And you're blind by both light and dark,

Hold a candle to a broken heart,

Let it burn just to catch a spark.

We the darkest sun and the brightest moon

In the dark night we'll still reflect,

While twilight hours paint our coloured lights

We still will burn brighter yet.

Where You Lie

(Published February 29, 2016)

There are too many things I never knew about you.

How old you were when we met. 

What your favourite animal is.

Where you were born.

The name of the one you loved.

If your hair was always red.

We sat under a fake coconut tree every week,

So when you fell I brought you coconut macaroons.

I didn't even know you don't like coconuts.

What kind of best friend wouldn't know that?

Now I don't even know where to go to put flowers to your grave.

05/05

Dear Archie,
Though I never asked if I could call you that,
And didn't know how old you were when we met.

Someday I'm going to tell you
That I hated looking in the mirror
So I put a picture of you there instead.
Echoes of your whispers calmed me
When ghosts glided over my bed.
That your memory soothed my soul
When my heart was battered by my head.
I'll ask again what your favourite colour is,
Though I already know that it was red.

When monopoly gloves grabbed with greed
And I saw silhouettes slinking by the door,
Tell you that the day never came
When I didn't cry for you anymore.
I'll ask you where you were born
How could I not know that?

Childish and immature
So many questions I should have posed,
What his name was, when he went to war,
And when he gave you that rose.
You look forward to hugging him with two arms again,
Is as far as my story-knowledge goes.
We sat under a fake coconut tree,
Yet I didn't know you hated coconuts.
Then again you met my mother,
But didn't know that we're all nuts.

Though you couldn't speak anymore
It felt like the words were there.
Wise wisps ready to be planted
As they hovered through the air.
From that very last day,
When you sat in the sun by the birds,
When I said 'I love you',
Did you know those would be the last words?

Were they really your favourite flowers and colour?
These things I really want to know.
I want to put flowers on your grave,
But don't even know where to go.
So daring darling and beautiful bestie,
Despite having to guess eachothers words unsaid,
Somehow it still was so perfect until next time,
When I'll ask if your faovurite colour is red.