a few pics of recent

 

There are, so far, two types of people:

People who believe yellow is my saber colour, and those who do not.

There is no third category because the answer is very hard to see. Most people have to pay attention for it, and some people physically can't.

But it is what it is, whether recognized by others or not.

It represents a question of identity I don't always want to face, bur perhaps the only one that has ever really mattered:

Is your true self who you were before the darkness, or after it?

My staff speaks my answer:

Both.

And in some lights, you can hardly tell the difference.

"How have you been?"

In the gentlest way I can, I decline to answer.

I am not angry with her anymore.

I am just stronger than her now. And it is easy to resent someone for that; there has been too much of that maybe, in my life lately, all over again. 

This isn't the first time.

Nobody is saved this time if I rise to be the bigger person.

Do I make a different choice this time?

...

I am the strongest person in the room again. And I hate it sometimes.

But I accept it.

When the wind comes, the same threat to carry you away if you fight it, is the invitation to dance with you if you choose to accept.

"May God find every reason to show you mercy that I cannot."

"You fight like a Sith. The Jedi fight more clean."

"Fighting is unclean."

The age we are "born at", or age we assume the disposition of as a child, is the age at which we have to at least near / near outgrowing, I think, for most of us to *feel* like we've changed. Even if obvious to others we have in terms of growth, and we value growth.

Life Hack - a Reframe for When You are Reorganizing and Redesigning a Space

If there is an item kept somewhere: if you don't use it from there regularly, but it's visible, it's a decoration.

I am not ome who requires everything to be perfectly matching and designed; I value functionality, and practicality; pragmatism; using what you have, and thoughtfully designing with it. 

But if you don't actually use it there often, but it's effectively on display tbere maybe just because "oh it fits in that spot" then that is functioning and impact the space merely as a decoration.

And if when you think of it as a decoration, it no longer makes sense for you to have it there, the space would probably be better then if you can find another place for it. 

19 “Stop storing up for yourselves treasures on the earth, where moth and rust consume and where thieves break in and steal.... For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. 22 “The lamp of the body is the eye. If, then, your eye is focused, your whole body will be bright. 23 But if your eye is envious, your whole body will be dark. If the light that is in you is really darkness, how great that darkness is!

Matthew 6:21-23

 "Only Sith deal in absolutes" is so much more relevant of a line than is usually talked about.

It isnt just funny because it's an absolute statement in itself, it's not a "high ground" line. 

This is in fact the whole point, that dogmatic absolutism in itself brings one farther from the light.

sometimes if i pretend that i am a pink flower 🌺

Sometimes I pretend; think that I am a pink flower, and I sit up taller and feel more myself. (Around people, too.)

It pisses me off how people really dont know what love is.

Or they dont know what being in love is, but insist they do, at someone else's expense.

(Read first line in the vrchat, "Robert... this rock... is pissing me off" voice)

~

I'm getting a divorce.

I can walk again.

I couldn't walk for a while.

I go by a different name. 

And if you don't know what that name is, that's on you. I tried to see all of you.

Yeah, no. If you haven't seen me in the last four months, you don't even know me anymore.

 https://www.instagram.com/reel/DW4yA0mDUKT/?stkn=MXJpc2h5ZGx4N2M5aA==

My joke is that I don't need to get drunk, I just need to drink caffeine at night and then I become most hilarious person on the planet

Something is wrong with people right now.

I feel like hiring a carrier pigeon to send mail. (I love pigeons, too).

Texting is the new email. Email is the new snail mail. Carrier pigeon is the new texting? 🕊️ 

My love is unconditional; my presence is not.

OCD is like packing tape

if it gets stuck or folded where it shouldn't, when you try to pull it off to fix it it probably get stuck on itself another way, then you try to unpull that and now it's stuck the other way and then it's just like "oh gosh"

The more you try to fix it, the more the thought get stuck on itself.

LOTR reflection: Theme: None of us are above another.

"the ring does not corrupt, it possesses"

Theme: None of us are above another.

No one is pure enough (Frodo), humble enough (Sam), virtuous enough (Gandalf), noble enough (Aragon), advantaged enough (Galadriel), experienced enough (Boromir). 

It is by our own will that we destroy ourselves again for all of time.

The idea I have: I should not ever think in the end I would have made a different choice in the garden of eden. It is only through grace, mercy, undeserved kindness, that things should ever go differently for me. 

And undeserved kindness is a beautiful thing. When I think of it towards myself this is how I feel, and I need to spend my life not daring to feel I should withold it from someone else by virtue of intrinsic deservingness (though extent of mercy shown and what is truly merciful and just, must be considered to the best of one's ability with discernment.)

And appreciating every echo of Sam through any person, and seizing any opportunity I have to be a Sam for somebody, throughout my life.

earth, air or wind, and water, have already come

and here is where I learn fire.

❤️‍🔥

A white hot flame.

~~

(image: digital sketch of a Jedi with a yellow saber staff, in an ash-covered burnt forest.)

Freediving is a great way to get in touch with the parts of yourself that still want to live, that you may not have even known still exist.

Because every second you hold your breath is making the choice to keep living.

It was good for me to see myself make that choice again. 

In a sense of the word

I am so burned to the ground. 

I think something equally important to knowing you can trust someone, which goes hand in hand with this, is knowing you can trust yourself around them.

Trust your own perception. (No tricks).

Trust they bring out a better version of you as a whole rather than a worse one.

And in turn, you are someone they can trust aswell.

blab about loving God and loving people - unedited and surely with high redundancy

Loving someone in my belief brings people closer to God, and being closer to God in my opinion always makes you love people more.

Loving God brings you closer to loving people, and loving people brings you closer to God.

That is a biblical teaching too, actually, that one cannot love God well without also loving their neighbour. And "God is love", in my mind beautifully illustrated how God's very essence is honoured when we honour one another.

And if we are not loving God, we are deciding our love for our neighbour. Because to me though many would disagree, I do believe that being loyal to God even in our relationships with one another is the loving thing for that other person, as well. 

But this is coherent with my beliefs in other ways that others may disagree with, because I believe that in a more natural sense than most people expect, being close to God always produces more loving results towards others.

If you love God, truly, it cannot reduce your love towards others. If you think your love for God does that, then tbh I think you're not doing it right and it actually indicates that your love for God is deficient. 

Doing what's good for one's relationship with God is also I believe what is good for that other person. (Including if it makes them unhappy with you personally). All that said, I do not mean this in a bull-in-a-chinashop way where the *way* one conducts their behaviours does not matter. Sensitivity, empathy, and kindness are inherently part of this.

If you can be loyal to God while being gentle, or you can be "loyal to God" while being harsh, and it produces the same ultimate benefits, I believe if you love God you will choose the gentle approach. (And if you wouldn't, it does mean your love for God is deficient from where you think it is and maybe some of what you think is love for God is actually a sense of self-righteousness, which hypocrisy). 

It is my strong believe that a true love for God creates kindness. 

And I believe that creating kindness broadly towards others, reinforces and strengthens a loving relationship with God.

(Though, I try to avoid mistaking people pleasing for kindness when I can, or being too tempted to accept it that way just because people pleasing might have lower resistance in the moment. That can be hard for me too, some times, even if not as hard as for some other people. I can be courageous rather than fearless, too. But it also matters to me that people avoid seeing me as having a high virtue associated with courage when for me it is partly a fearlessness where the threat is not producing the same nervous system reaction in me as it would them, if it might make them elevate me over them for that. We are all different and simply should not try to elevate or devalue people over one another.) 

~~

Almost like if your love for people is lacking, it's not a judgment or inference that your love for God is also lacking, it's an observation. 

That's a rough way to say it but yeah.

And a God that holds us to a standard like that is showing something pretty awesome with a lot to love to me.

 And love is not people pleasing, let me make that clear. (A manipulative person might try to turn that one you one day, btw. Careful not to be deceived; gotta use your brain be strong in the face of that. But the actual point stands that is "God is love" then actual love is essential.)

(soft fact abt me)

I was baptized in the colour gray 🩶 

life lessons, boundaries and decisions and wisdom and not explaining every single time, sorta spicy attitude/rant edition

I don't have to qualify wisdom by producing anger I don't even want.

Maybe I feel angry, maybe I don't; we don't have to prove an intuition of wisdom or produce “rational” or other reason for everything we feel is the right thing, especially when it's not even wrong. (As if “I will put this boundary now and it's okay for me to do that because this person xyz and it makes me angry or will and blah blah blah blah...")

Sometimes it's just no is no is no is no and that's it, and it's the right answer we do not have any need to be arguing against

 *And in a physical sense, gray is my comfort colour anyway with its balance and all its beauty, so if anything, yay. 

speaking metaphorically ...

If I were to be called a “Jedi” (metaphorically, dw I'm not losing my mind that much, in spite of how symbolically and expressively I blab words to get them out here in this journal nowadays);

I'm not a dark Jedi. I'm not a gray Jedi, anymore. (Maybe once I was.)

I think though I look like one, or get easily called one... Because what both those on the side of the dark, in those dogmatic on the side of the light, would like to agree on, is convincing me that I am on the side of the dark just for not allowing myself to be controlled in a way that puts people on the level of a pedestal that only a higher power deserves. 

And that is not an idea that I want to concede to not anymore, now that I understand it.

And since gray Jedi is not really a thing, it could be a colloquial term to describe something visibly seen or obvious ly or simply to mean something that isn't alignment but approach... Sure. Sure okay, maybe by some definitions of gray Jedi I could fall under that. 

But in the sense that my alignment is actually with the light. 

~~

(We don't have to call balance something negative that it isn't)

~~

Sure, let’s say I look “gray” to the eye because I am unconventional or unorthodox sometimes (often enough). I won't say we can't call it what the eye perceives, to be understandable. 

I like am on board with understandable, being understood; clear and honest communication.*

But that's just colour theory ;)

 "I carry the glowing staff not to perpetrate violence; but in fact to the contrary, carry the light."

 Thank you, Jehovah, for the wind, and the stillness.

Never marry a man who is afraid of horses. It means he fears what he cannot control. For this, he will likely either hold back from you, or, try to break you. 

Chances are you want someone will face you as an equal. 

~~

He tried to force me into a broken domestication. 

Instead, he found the forces of creation come upon him. 

(It is a wonder how one can be so surprised that even the kindest of patience has its limits...)

There's nothing at the end of this, is there.

~~

There is nothing in front of me, and nothing behind me.

There is only the War. No cause to be fighting for on this earth. Is there?

After everything I've been through, I've become hyper-careful in certain ways, thinking certain ways of thinking of things are logical or for the best. They're really not.

...

I had been so caught up with not doing something wrong that I stopped doing anything right for a while.

(A little like when people get so caught up in fighting against that they forget what they are fighting for, but the flight version.)

No more of that though.

Things are calming down enough, in the internal storm again at least, to do things differently, better, again. 

I may be over-identifying here, but

I sometimes disappear to go meditate, including

Before personally bringing an overlooked prophecy to the attention of a religious institution, continually arguing with the high council on its rules.

And also in the middle of a battle while an assassin lies in wait for me on the other side of one door, with my apprentice feeling worried and helpless behind another while everyone is getting uneasy about whatever the heck I'm doing

All meaning well but arguably questionable regarding the people I keep trusting with things. But you know, will of the Force ✨ 

~~

(The doors are not literal, at least.)

I also have a staff, which is different.

My hair is the same though.

Hey @ fellow "dismissive avoidants"...

 https://www.instagram.com/reel/Dc8eDcEzrKW/?stkn=MXEyMjgwOXV2NnRqMw==

Hey @ fellow "dismissive avoidants"... be so fr what kind of failed avoidant are you if you think you are sooo avoidant that you take it so far you can't not make your partner miserable and treat them like garbage, but you're two years in, still "avoidant", but haven't left them yet. It's not about being avoidant is it? Because you aren't doing a whole lot of avoiding. Are you maybe not just the exact kind of selfish prick we like to avoid? Anyway. Sincerely, a somewhat-less-arsehole dismissive avoidant

(jk I am clearly an asshole. Please don't think we can be friends.)

~~

Anyway, this is annoying. Being securely attached against all odds all years has been such a flex, but it just had to change, didn't it.

(It was from freaking anxious and anxious avoidants looking at my darkest time as an opportunity to test me. Maybe don't betray people you claim to care about by seeing how much harder you can make their life before they break and you can call yourself a victim again when there was nobody going to hurt you this time and it's you doing it now.)

Qui-Gon and Ahsoka

My two favourite characters 💛 I feel like Ahsoka brought back into Anakin's life some of what he lost when Qui-Gon was taken from him so soon.

Two very balanced, full of heart, and honest Jedi who can think of more than one thing at the same time.

Almost like he trained a little Qui-Gon, in a way.

 https://www.instagram.com/reel/DbtiWuDOXib/

At the same time, don't betray people by seeing how far you can push them before they're broken. You're not the only person with feelings in the relationship, but if you only ever act like it maybe someday you will be. - former secure, now dismissive avoidant

My pain, these days, is very much a live wire.

And a waiting.

"Selana, a pleasure to see you again."

"The pleasure’s all yours."

~~

The wolf horse rat bats in the Ahsoka series remind me of Luna 💛

I realize how much she led to me embracing yellow more, so wholeheartedly, and white, too

🤍

*And the cat is just like Virtute

~~

"There'll be no negotiating with the apprentice of Anakin Skywalker."

*Ahsoka comes riding in across the mood on a rat wolf horse bat*

The Ahsoka show's writing has not done what I was hoping for my favorite character, but that line does go pretty hard.

Sometimes I gotta give up so that I can un-give-up

You know?

Here I have been, at the end of my rope, doing what I always do. (No options left? Create something. Today and yesterday and the days before, creating my ways into connection across a gap that feels impossible to get across).

N2?

At the end of her role, she drives over to encourage a young person and leaves energized.

Funny how we do that.

How funny it is, I really do go all out once I let myself decide to give up or say no.

(It really becomes my choice, then, it seems.)

And would you look at that: a friend c send *me* a dahlias painting in the mail. 🩷

 

Star Wars E-Card Sketch for a Friend

 

I knew he would be a prophet lightsaber person.

Sketches, colour collages, and OCs inspired by many friends I love

 Yep. And I did the same thing with fanfiction, making OCs inspired by my friends both to honour and feel close to them even in a violent solitude.

...

I probably won't tell them about the OCs. They might think it is weird.

But I am secretly checking in with them to see what elements of a fictional world they might like, and see how much of that I was naturally right about versus what is news.

It's little pieces of the ways I love them being carried around, even when they're not here with me at the time.

...

Yes. I hardly even write and narration for them.(Also the OCs themselves do not have strange things about them. I just and empathizing with others and might feel a little self-conscious if I knew they made a character inspired by me).

It's almost like "sketching" them, just in another world that I am allowed to exist in more than this one. Even though this is the world they really belong to.

So, I can let them stay safely in this world where they belong. But still take a piece of my love for them into exile with me.

~~

N2 and I discuss our little glowing lights so often, it was fun putting together collages based off our conversations and artistic intuition about people.

https://photos.app.goo.gl/M9ddfqMjdwDPmZUk7

 I buried my sword but that was not the right answer.

"Cautious as serpents, innocent as doves."

My voice shakes. 

My voice always shook, didn't it?

Years it was hard to breathe

The focus is intended to be not on theology, but spirituality, mindset, and positivity.

"Your voice is shaking" was weaponized again and again.

And maybe it will shake forever.

There are stories behind poems and other things I say that I will never tell you,

And I know it's exactly the same the other way around.

It doesn't matter if we are a person who has that invisible "tell me your life story" hanging on our foreheads.

It just isn't going to ever be an exact translation or transmission of every detail for someone else to judge, and it isn't supposed to be.

There is a concept I made up as a young person my belief in was shaken for a while

Because mindset affects your feelings, and feelings motivate actions. I don't want people to be... To be hurt.

I am the perfect example of what can happen.

So maybe careful to not listen to me too much in the ways it sounds like I suggest, and instead consider 

Someday my staff will stop spinning, but the world won't. 

Someday I will not be here, but what comes after that?

Everything.

Everything comes after that. And that is a beautiful thing. 

The fruit markets will continue to rush with energy and leisurely selectiveness,

People will still hear the birds,

Birds will still hear the birds.

The earth will still move imperceptibly slowly to us and hurtle through that galaxy. (with something of me still on it, even.

(I would say "probably, unless I get launched into space first or something, but all the curly hairs I dropped will still be here.

They will not not be thinking, they will not be doing; for there is neither rplans nor knowledge in the grave, is what I believe. But they will be allowed to simply be, which is more than I can say of myself some days.

I am proud of them for that, proud of the world. Proud of the trees for growing again and letting go when the seasons exhale their breaths.)

Inhale love, exhale truth

It sounds the opposite, doesn't it? 

And argument could be made that it us

Be Alright Remix - Fasetya

(With spoken words on audio; without spoken words)

“I am determined to keep him a good thing in my life.”

“I am determined to keep her a good thing in my life.”

“I am determined to keep them a good thing in my life.”

“I am determined to keep this a good thing in my life.”

“I am determined to keep Him a good thing in my life. He always has and always will be good to me, come what may.”

It could be called a big secret (or not) that part of my process is that the music is not always on when I film and then post something and then put music over it. 

But there is a chance I am probably thinking about the song in my head anyway. (Or not, but sometimes. But that's why the videos in that series I think landed so naturally without me having to think about it with the songs, because I just chose the songs that I have been listening to a lot anyway even though there was no music on while I was doing staff flow, and my body carried on rhythm from those songs in ways appropriate to the song. Not necessarily always all in beat, but often kind of dividing themselves without me adjusting the pacing of the video at all. I did end up stitching together some videos and so yeah that's why it would stay on or whatever in some parts. And the thing with Flo is it has a regular rhythm enough. You can almost have two things going at the same time. So that gives an advantage. But in terms of the ways that I speed up and slow down, music and dance, therefore for me also flow Arts, will repeat certain motifs. That's making me capable of putting together dance videos to songs I haven't even picked yet. And I will be continuing to use some editing from now if I want to do that more freely. Because before I just straight up post the whole video put a song on and that's it. And I love that too. I'm sure I will be doing more of that as well. But for other videos, that is part of the magic of flow Arts for me. I'm listening to the music in my head often times, nearly always in some periods of life as I go through life, and it simply comes out in the way I move when it's time for me to be absorbed in the feeling.

No, I would not do that in a fight. Adrenaline would kick in and there would be no consideration of such a thing lol even *if* I became delusional and idiotic. 

Nobody starts dancing in the middle of a fight. 

Fight is about survival.

And that is interestingly exactly how I arrived at this hobby.

“Swords into ploughshares”.

Because I did pick up a stick in a time before. Never did have the circumstances fortunately to fight with one. That would ould have gone badly.

But yes. To help me with real training for real fighting. War.

War and peace is a recurring theme for this reason, in my art. Physical flow style or otherwise.

And that is why my bio is what it is. And even the name referring to a reed is kind t as juxtaposition but about something beautiful I've had to be taught, the be more of a green reed that bends in the wind and recognizing or seeing it at stronger than the mighty oak that breaks in a storm. 

I need to be able to bend, while I let myself move and be. And that was a very terrifying thing to do walking out of the situation I just did. I was very scared; but the one thing I am grateful to my ex for if that he put me in such a do or die that the fact I am making choice became such an obvious thing it worked just fine for my otherwise very gray thinking, because it told me exactly what to do without questioning myself after a point eventually. (Ironic, isn't it?)

You have to choose.

Earlier tonight I was thinking it's like I know others are a person like tuning in on a radio. I know the other radios are radios because I can tune into them. But you can't tune into ones own radio

But then I thought, "well only a radio can tune in to the radio"

But someone can see and recognize a radio without being a radio, so back to the starting line but it was an interesting thing to think about, regarding "I can tell everyone else is a person, but I don't know if I am.”

 Sorry but what is up with every single infp in the world right now? Are you guys okay?

Relative to the baseline

~~

Followup from yday sending all the stressed people some love and "look at the sky"

I see the Italian market in the movie.

I think of today; knowing I don't want the treatment.

“What comes after me?” I think.

Everything. Everything goes on and comes after, and that is such a beautiful thing.

That may be a wonderful thing to have as a last thought, or among them.

Got stuck in an elevator, 7/10 would recommend. Would have been better if the walls were cleaner to lean on 

^ not even joking. (I think something may be wrong with me 😅) it was funny at first. I just figured I must be dissociating and that's why it feels like time is moving so slowly. Nope, the elevator doors actually should have opened. They are not opening. I felt a wave of relief. Is something good realizing I can now text everyone and say sorry. I'm stuck in an elevator! And no one will expect anything from me. 

I've been so tired, I've been so tired to be on demand, I'm not Netflix 😂 (I told my mom that)

It made me worry if maybe I'm becoming avoidant. 

It has been a pretty completely insane couple weeks though with everybody texting me. Maybe don't assess as the average, what is the exception; and just keep an eye out, discerning, honest, open, positive in the way of true positivity not toxic. 

"He is more stoic, and gray, watching the stars while I try to come down from them.”

the most vulnerable journal excerpt here

~~

🎶 Watch the Stars - Whitney Hansen fear. wholesoul quartet

https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=5frSJo5n0b4&si=FjT1dhPR67M-IsJN

I remember showing E this song, I think somewhere in [place]. 

He listened to it, and held my hand.

Sometimes I think of that moment, and think that this might have been the moment of all time where he really emphasized with me the most. (Maybe loved me the most, too. In the way of what love really means).

I talked to you in my mind lots of times even before that became something that sounds too much like forever even though I know the hope, even though I know Jehovah giving me an answered prayer, which I talked to you mom about, too. About how your name is in His book of life. Isn't that amazing, Eternal? You are in His book of life. Really. You made it. 

I wish I could say I felt like I knew or even felt I should bother think I might be there to tell you about it laterm.I wish I could be there for you, but I’m afraid, really, really afraid I won't and I'm not usually afraid of this. We never did any of this to live forever. But I don't want you to have to hear that you’ll really be without me forever. That thought makes me so sad. I don't want to do that to you, but I'm afraid I am going to fail. 

I remember showing my mom the song, too.

Even though I had told her, warned her. She wasn't prepared; nothing could have prepared her. 

(It's like the song was written by me, for her, this year.

All her. All me.) [Here, I spoke not as if to Eternal, but to my mom.]

All the worst parts of this life, too.

When the lyrics hit “I wonder what you'd make of me and all the ugly anger in my eyes” and it just kept going.

I've never seen my mom cry like that, either.

(And I don't want to say goodbye to the one year of forever where this song as it talks about your sister being nearly 23, is true. The year I have found it, even, with the gift of it.) #goodgift

We miss you so, so much, my dear.friemd.

I was in Vancouver, finally. For the worst reasons possible, not literally the worst possible, but you'd know what I mean.

I have had this feeling sometimes with others, too, or very similar ones of wow insane familiarity and similarity. It has always warmed my heart, made my heart burn, to be reminded of it with her, too. This time the lead up time or something about its unfolding that lent such a level of surprise made it really sharp this time. 

I miss you so, so much. All the time.

I never cha gets my WhatsApp PFP from a digital paintimg I made of us at Crystal Beach, only making it night 

You had asked us for the photos from that day before and I wish so much we had gotten them to you. You know I couldn't, they were on my dad's device and something happened I guess and I didn't have them either.

I wish even harder though, in a way, that I thought to make this painting for you before you died. You would have really liked it. Maybe a copy of it will survive into the new world, maybe not.

Whether it does matters so much less though than everything else. That we should go to the beach together. That you have to be there, that you will. That I have to try to be there with you. (I don't know if I can. I want to so badly.)

I want to to good. We wanted to be good.

I wish I told you again about OCD. What if it had changed everything.

I posted this song with a photo of the stars, in Vancouver, I was saying.

I was thinking about you. 

This is never news, to anyone who knows me. Especially myself. (No, especially Jehovah, of course).

When people liked it I thought of them liking something for you too, this time, in a way.

Because if they love the stars they should love you too 

And the moon. The “INFP” moon so often typed on PDB, as you know. We talked about the moon, and it's likening to you and INFPs most. INFJs too, to an extent.

You knew I was an INFJ.

(We were I to MBTI... Before 16p and other things made it different and kind of weird. So, so into it, together. Niche, in our own little world, observing the world and focusing on positivity as much as we can and at least how we can draw something positive, for working towards optimistic outcomes).

I remember that day so clearly, sitting on the cement porch.

When my parents changed the shingles I almost lost my mind, because the colour over us when we talked was red. And when we got rid of the old teal sienna, because between those purple tinted windows was where we had that fateful moment,.conversation on the way to Crystal Beach where you asked me *if* hypothetically I could choose where to be assigned in the new world, where would it be?

I knew many people don't know a lot about this or ask why, but my answer clear as day was “Mongolia”

Your joyful shriek of “me too!!!!” was the nicest thing I've heard in my life. And I remember your face what you said it, and my voice rising to the happy shriek, too, and even my mom in the car too and I think the girls (though I was so focused on your and this amazing thing, we are Mongolia sisters, twins in every way virtually as we would come to know). The feeling, the sounds, the sun through the purple tinted windows on the way to the beach and the happiest sounds in the world.

~~

...

We did service. Shared research. Talked about Jehovah and who he is, how we found him, how we would stay.

He stays with you, Amara. So close, you are living to him as it is, just sleeping.

I know when I'm close to him I am close to you, too, in another by by means of our mutual best friend.

Us, and MC, and my friend N2 who turns out it's our quadruplet. We have to, have to, *have to* meet together.

My friend Emma offers for me to talk about you with her.

...I hope one day I get to tell you not even bothering about that part. Just about my kind friend Emma who I talked to about you. Who also talks to me about tide pools; you and I did. Warm and watery and vibrant. Surfing; the surf.

We should all go to the beach.

We will. In my heart and mind, we already do. Like in that painting I made. In the inverse version, where it is night, your hand and mine sits in a random light patch of sand in the middle with full daytime sun in it.

Because we already have one foot in the new world. You really do.

I will work as hard as I can, Amara. I can promise you that much, that I will try, with heart, like those characters like Rapunzel and Judy Hopps we talked about several times.

I wish I could remember everything everything

It's never enough and it still never really would be even if I did. 

Because “Eternity was written in their hearts”.

You are Eternal. 

Your Chinese name i gave you is YongXia

Eternal, rosy cloud.

Because you loved rose gold, and are a dreamer, with your head in the clouds and seeing beauty everywhere you go.

Little did you know, you carried it.

~~

And other people, too. That you'd want to meet, that we would consider and honestly, analyze, together. (But from a positive place, always. Of love; appreciative).

I have so many things to tell you.

~~

2GG:

“Eternal,” past.

“Eternal”... Future. 🩶🤍🩷🌥️

"The things I have the privilege to hold of her with me as my life goes on."

~~

My friend, the stars tonight are beautiful even though I can't see them.

I know they are.

That is what faith is, as we talked about, isn't it? (The question is rhetorical. I know, don't worry. I will always know.)

They remind me of you, too. Stars, sunsets, and the moon. And lots more, honestly. (And always).

✨🌌

Those emojis, especially the fuller picture one how many times did I send one to you with a "Goodnight 🌌 Ttyl ^_^"?

~~

And MON ROVIA, the artist!

You would love him.

We’ll have to listen to his music together in the new world. Maybe go to a concert together. When I went with some friends, he stayed to have everyone meet him, and chatted. And very unpretentious from the start, hung out in the crowd listening to the opener, Edwin Raphael (oooh you'd love his lyrics and poetry too!).

Wow yeah. You are such a Mon Rovia folk music girl.

(And Edwin Raphael.)

<3

🎶 Crooked the Road - Mon Rovia

https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=yqX7NtzThgg&si=HcXDmjhP7Ux2re5N

"VitaB12" really likes them, too. I might see her soon. 

Stuff has been hard, but I'm really grateful for her and sisters like her. And I know you would be, will be, too all the more you hear about them more.

I need to get one thing straight

My most likely kyber crystal colour is presumably yellow. (X-ref, N2 and I's glowing lights in our imagination for this to be so natural). Or white, given the lore.

However, my favourite colour is *coral.*

I also love dusty lavender (it is my "secondary"), and growing up my favourite colour was green. So much green, I wore green every day for years from middle school almost to the end of high school, with a few days of exceptions with brown or burnt orange.

I also *adore* burnt orange; it has remained don't favourite colour to wear normally for a long time, aside from gray 🩶 

Dear gray, my comfort colour.

~~

Today it came from some sad beginnings to a conversation, but I found out one of my friends, L, is super into Star Wars!

It was really exciting to find out, and I have to say L's ability to carry on most of a conversation in Star Wars quotes is extremely impressive. (I def can't do that lol. One could say... He had the high ground on that).

It was exciting to be able to show someone my secret archived post of my saberstaff, and while I didn't talk about flow arts, it's fun to be able to share little bits and pieces with the outside world sometimes beyond my own backyard. And in videos.

(Perhaps... Perhaps someday I will do something on YouTube with this video's. Will see, hehe.)

Either way, whether with MC, N2, or now also L, it's really cool to have friends I can escape into this space world to with here and there, or mentally muse with it in a way that does or at least can at times extend to a shared experience.

Today [sibling] and I were talking about the influence of a variety of things on people, and how that enables people to basically be in sync or inflow with people. 

We talked about the influence of the moon and the seasons, which is really the Moon and gravity, and how it is well known that more babies are born on the full moon than any other time of the month. Even though we can't explain why, we simply know that this is the case. 

Jono asked when I was born what the moon phase was, and I had forgotten clearly because turns out it was actually 99.8 to 100% full depending on the time! And, in addition to being a complete full moon, it was a micro moon! In other words, it was particularly far from the earth so it appears small. 

I am (very) small! Micromoon could be a nickname or code name for me :D

Woooo my cousin Daniel asked today why I look so tall... Staffing has fixed my posture and stance so much he thought it looked like I grew 😆🥳

~~

The way Daniel (aka my "Dancing Cousin" since childhood, perhaps after today as we joked, also "Padawan") talks is so cool, and we keep telling him that. Specifically, that he should be a stand up comedian. (I'm serious. We all drive eachother crazy sometimes but we love his energy ❤️)

 Maybe I am grateful for the terrible things that happened, that made me a fighter.

Because maybe I would feel worse right now if I didn't already know that about myself.

It's a different kind of bad, a different kind of pain to ask how could this happen to me after I was that, versus how could this happen but there is no physical warrior history from before to remember.

I can't say I like or enjoy thinking of it this way. I don't want to imagine a world where all the chance that should never have happened to begin with are to credit for what I am able to do now. (Even if partly, unknowing exactly how much is unnerving but there is no point in wasting my mind on guessing).

I just know that it is.

Perhaps this is over-idebtifing with my suffering? I don't know, it's hard to say. And if the answer is indeed yesz which part of this is the suffering I am over-idebtifuing with? Which parts of myself have I decided I don't deserve to feel happy with it proud of because it only came from things not only I didn't ask for, but should never have happened in the first place?

All of it, arguably.

None of us would have been born without some really, really horrible things that universally should never have happened.

So perhaps the point from here is not to try to divide ourselves in separate parts between this is not me and this other part doesn't count; we are all part of the larger whole of nature, of creation, anyway. We all come from the same place, and in this world we all go to the same place; we all can only hope for the same future, we all may only know the same One Ultimate Creator.

None of this is to our credit, anyway. (Undeserved kindness; only God is good.)

So perhaps it is not what sets us apart but how we join and move together that defines us each uniquely. Our unique movements throughout the universe, recurring in cycles but a soul so unique, and uniquely valuable, and truly, uniquely loved and lovable in our own rights.

Excerpt - "One big thing..."

 One big thing: 

     The way I've come to revisit some good things in life or explore them, has been partly from reading the quote from one of the Beatles. I think where it goes something like “ time spent doing something you enjoy, is not time wasted.”

       Reflecting on how much of my life in the past couple recent years especially I have wasted frozen and fear or being frozen in that fear, wishing to be productive but instead being stuck… I wasn't doing things I enjoyed, either. 

      No matter how much I wanted to do other things, it's a productive things in the front of my mind truly desired, it has been a bad situation. There are certain things that are simply too hard to be reasonably expected to continue functioning through.

       I was very upset, wasting my time that way. 

       That wasn't even time spent enjoying what I'm doing. 

       So I thought, you know what? What if I spent this time doing some things I enjoy? 

       My circumstances have changed dramatically in the past few months. My situation is safer. The greater level of freedom I have is unrecognizable compared to before. (In a good way). 

     It was like everything else. Something I felt like I never feel satisfied enough towards myself with. I am never enough, I cannot even relax properly, I might tell myself. 

     No matter how much merit to this or not, it doesn't change that instead of sitting there, Stressing, ruminating, thinking about things that in that particular moment are not being helpful for me to be thinking about at all or in that way or time or whatever, is not helping me. 

      So I turned to try to do things I enjoyed, sometimes. Giving myself a little more permission. 

       While they're listening to books or something else, and other things were add, too, the irony and silver lining of joy that was found in the darkness, is something I am very grateful for.

Windows through windows, a cup of coffee in hand

Often, a “window” is something like feeling a collective sigh, joined sign, or empathizing to recognize someone else’s sigh basically. Largely the feeling of a certain type of strength being able to hold out no longer, or very likely now to be decided to be changed after a certain length of time with a certain level of tension in that person, or a situation.

Some the weight and pain or difficulty of change becomes less than that of staying the same.

Sometimes the window can be sensing or rather imagining through a mental empathetic eye readiness, too. These things tend to go hand in hand.

~~

I had told my mom the other day that I got a window. I got near collision of two, at least. Probably more, but let's say multiple. Multiple sighs, one after another that overlap so quickly the second came before I could even try to formulate the verbal expression of the first.

It made it in fact harder to understand either of them alone let alone together. Like hearing two announcements at the same time, muffling or obscuring eachother.

This picture I know is clear though: this week something is about to happen… and I think it has happened, where there was a virtually atmospheric sigh. And the giving out of a strength to hold what tension was there on countless small picture levels.

The feeling of change that can be put off no longer. The kind where staying the same no matter how safe, whether from the seasons, the news, the music, the colour palettes of fashion the technologies the algorithms the point in time where the average person is likely to realize undeniably they missed something before, the realization of what we are doing or what it costs, the exhaustion from holding up everything else.

Simply the sigh of the next chapter begins, but so many of us sighing leaning through so many windows at once.

 Kenobi's "hello there" is the equivalent of my "hi folks", isn't it

30

Random but I've always admired women in their thirties a lot/quite specifically and I'm excited to be one but also disappointed in myself, if that makes any sense?

(Disappointed because of not feeling like I measure up in often the artistry, confidence, and boldness of these women as much as I had hoped. I wasn't planning on being this broken or at best hurt and somehow traumatized again even worse than the first time.)

🎶 DEAR JOHN - Sam Buckingham

The Perfect Stranger Pact - Tag :)

Just revisiting this tag tonight:

https://lunar-winds.blogspot.com/search/label/perfect%20stranger%20pact?m=0

"Wednesday, 11 November 2020

Let's make plans to someday pass on the street and exchange a smile. 

It'll be our small celebration for making it.

Sincerely,

A stranger on the internet"

~~

Today I met a kind stranger, named Er[-]s. And interacted with a kind sort of/once stranger, the girl/ young woman who works at the pharmacy who is about my age.

They are kind strangers I am very appreciative for.

“God is love” - 1 John 4:8

~~

“Love in deed and truth” - 1 John 3:18

Existential journal thoughts as I wander through the grocery store today - it's the yellow grocery store, again

 I'm not going to tell her what to do, I told (another person). 

And it's not out of fear of telling her something that ends up leading to an outcome that is my fault for advising them over. 

It's out of recognition of what is not in my knowledge to be speaking on. Nor my place in that way at a major decision making moment quite like this one. 

In another time, yes. 

But this is her life and it only has to be her own. But she's the only one lives it. 

~~

I don't know if I could say I am the main character in my own story. Maybe I could and I'm just not self-aware enough for it. 

But I don't feel like my happiness or satisfaction or contentment in life comes from being the main character of my own story. 

If someone were to ask me plainly without baggage of implication for a suggested response like, “ main character of one's own story”, I would say I am happy and proud of being part of something bigger than myself. 

In this whole universe, the motion that occurs and beauty that transpires, Wars that are fought and one, and lost, what is one and what is mourned, with sacrifice and gain. 

In the cosmic scandal things I am not nothing; I am part of a beautiful something. God's universe; his creation. A who's great is unfathomable to me, I get to be part of this and whatever way I do. 

I want to use it well, this life of my. I appreciate the good things I get to enjoy. 

And even if I or to die tomorrow, or tonight it hasn't been for nothing.

That is something beautiful. That is why I'm happy just by sadness. 

And I can be happy and sad at the same time. In fact, I always am And in this reality I wouldn't have it any other way. 

It's a complex thing, compared to an idea of only one thing happening at a time. 

So nothing is ever really like that to that extent. 

I'm part of a cause ,, a cosmic art project, and a universal community. Even should I disappear, 

No longer experience the fox I do or anything (though I don't like the sound of that), how beautiful of a thing that is? 

Being not one with as in the same person as, being but being part of the collective of conscious, sentient beings; influencing one another. I includes others, too, and I want that one to be a good one as much as I can.

We all part of each other for better or worse. And it needs dynamics we find forgiveness, love, friction, what we may call fate even when deliberation, and flow.

I've had my share of unhappiness. Disproportionately, some would argue. Those you know do say it.

But life is a beautiful thing; and, it is worth living. 

I am a depressed optimist by philosophy and emotional state (simply because I am in fact sane, in my mind; it is a mental illness that is more injury than from within who could be so heartless as to see the things I have seen and feel overwhelming and be happy all the time?) theist by worldview, writer along with some other things by creative art; and something like a leaf that produces energy in the world, along with my flowers too. 

What a garden, what a forest, what a place and a biome that this Galaxy is. 

I would not let it go on purpose. Even though I am sad, often.

If only people could understand how happy it made me, no matter how the rest of things are seeing what I see: 

Main character or not, it matters not to me which way to look at this. 

But being Part of something bigger than myself, in the ways I perceive with my eyes of physical senses and of faith and mind and emotion; It is something everyone deserves to feel, In my opinion, by default.

The world would be a better place. Probably if we did two a higher degree; if we did more than it feels this world may allow at a time. 

But that doesn't make someone hopeless. 

If your eyes are closed or your heart is tired, that doesn't mean you will feel nothing at all forever. 

It doesn't mean you will only feel bad things forever. 

And I need people to know that. That hope is not a silly feeling way. It's sometimes to say use or sounds. 

But I silly it is to remember the stars on a night where we can't see them, obstructed by clouds, or something else, that this is what Faith means. 

You have looked up in seen them so many times.

Don't doubt at all, because of the moment.

And I don't say the word moment flippantly as to diminish or wave away whatever one feels right now. For there is no past nor future in the physical off and feels; there is movement and and time in the way we call it. But it is all movement in our universe. 

This beautiful, beautiful universe, you deserve to be aware of and feel by default, and embrace being a part of it the way you made. The way you were made too simple to put good things in this cosmic evolving creative project, That is the experience of our lives. 

And by “our”, by I really do mean every single one of us near and far. For who we are, who we were and existed as when we did, and will be when we do in what is called “later”.

Things will change. But our cousin purpose remains the same and its absence though always different, beautifully different in the moments it is painted. 

I am one to say we are more the same than we are different. But not in a flattening way, But one of gross, Beauty, meaning, love, feeling, and purpose and experience that is worth being had with heart, heart and appreciation. And I believe it is our place to do so. 

~~

^Grocery store thoughts, vacuuming thoughts, bus spots, shower thoughts, whatever one may call them.

:)

~~

I once said to a friend, no not once, many times have said to friends, that death is the drawing because it doesn't make sense according to our reality as we have experienced it. This can be interpreted in more than one way but one particular way I do. We need to talk about it. Is that if something in the physical world just disappeared and I don't mean to change, but truly disappeared. Ceased from existence in a moment, we will be freaking out. 

It could be a mountain, it could be a can of Coke. It could be energy, but hearing that it was not simply transferred or changed or went somewhere else, but simply cease to exist. 

That doesn't add up with everything we know.

Of course we would be freaking out. 

I cannot make claims on a state I've can yet to be in from first-hand experience, but these dots and as well as what is said in many faiths regarding it, makes sense to me. 

Of course, if we'd be scared of amount and disappearing, we would lose our minds when it's something even more important. Life. What could be more important than this? Energy and energy can either be created or destroyed. 

And I can respect that. 

But I cannot say I "think" life is energy. 

I think energy is something used in or by life; experienced in consciousness. We experience interacting with matter and energy. 

I don't know if I would say or come to arrive from my experience that consciousness falls simply within the concept of matter and energy. 

Spirit, maybe. I would be inclined to say so or that feels or sounds consistent with something my body understands. 

But soul? 

That is different. That is different, to me, in the way that I mean. 

No matter how we may continue on this, we might agree together readily that in itself conscious soul is a precious thing. 

Of course grief is real; of course love is.

It makes sense, though I wouldn't dare reduce it to such. 

More importantly, it matters. And that is enough me to feel for others and oneself. And the law developed for what we must, for what we do hold dear; in specialty (or speciality? Tbh I don't know which word is correct here), *who* we hold hear. 

~~

Life is beautiful. Cherish it, fight in it, fight for it. Be the one, the lady you want to be and were made for. 

~~

Flowers in the store, and I love that they have potted ones in the rack for gifting flowers by main intention, it seems.

#flowers #love #nature

"He... will complete your training"

An artist named Jael posted to Instagram today

[07-07, 1:11 a.m.] Melody: Led me to study Jael tonight

[07-07, 1:18 a.m.] Melody: Also read to the part about that battle's connection to Armageddon, in the link at the end

[07-07, 1:21 a.m.] Melody: Reminded me of this, for you and Kenny:

[07-07, 1:21 a.m.] Melody: https://www.jw.org/finder?srcid=jwlshare&wtlocale=E&prefer=lang&docid=1102016838

[07-07, 1:23 a.m.] Melody: The worst day of one's life does come

[07-07, 1:25 a.m.] Melody: 1 Peter 5:10 points this out: 

"But after you have suffered a little while, the God of all undeserved kindness... will *himself* finish your training. He will make you firm, he will make you strong, he will firmly ground you."

[07-07, 1:25 a.m.] Melody: In the part with the "..." It includes saying, "...who called you to his everlasting glory in union with Christ"

[07-07, 1:26 a.m.] Melody: It is easy for us to say and remember the words that Jehovah is with us. But this scripture can remind us of some points on that

[07-07, 1:29 a.m.] Melody: 1) It tells us not only that he will be there for you in your trials but one way how:

"He himself will *finish your training.*"

He will train you. And as a result, you will grow, and with Jehovah's training he will make you more capable than before, and more strong than before.

This is distinct from his miracles. He does answer our prayers and he does make what must happen, happen. But you will not be as lost as you might have ever been before once his hand in the matter has done it's work. 

He affects not only your situation, but who you are. Your strength, qualities, and discernment, and other skills.

[07-07, 1:35 a.m.] Melody: 2) "He *himself* will finish your training."

He does not even delegate this to Jesus.

Jehovah himself does this.

We could have a variety of emotional reactions to this thought. But no matter how we feel about it, it is the choice of the God of all *undeserved kindness* who has decided it is his will to train you himself, not matter what you feel about yourself in a given moment.

[07-07, 1:37 a.m.] Melody: 3) "He himself will *finish* your training."

This does imply that he does not step in and take over to force you to do everything right every step of the way.

But even so, the training you need will be completed, not only covered partially or somehow left ambiguous. Jehovah himself will make sure of it.

[07-07, 1:46 a.m.] Melody: And that is an English word, so to help strengthen a sense of what Jehovah Promises to do:

• καταρτίσει (katartizó) - "adjust down" - to complete thoroughly, i.e. repair or adjust

{literally or figuratively}; fit, frame, mend, restore.

• στηρίξει (stērixei) - "fix firmly", perfect, establish, strengthen - also used in 2 Thess 3:3

• σθενώσει (sthenoó) - "to strenghen", from sthenos, meaning "bodily vigor" ; 

"4599 sthenóō(from sthenos, "strength") – properly, make strong so as to be mobile – i.e. able to move in a way that achieves something in the most effective way." -HELPS Word-studies

Sources:

• Kingdom Interlinear Translation

• https://biblehub.com/greek/2675.htm

• https://biblehub.com/greek/ste_rixei_4741.htm

• https://biblehub.com/greek/4599.htm

[07-07, 1:53 a.m.] Melody: Brings to mind from there, 2 Corinthians 4:8-10

"We are hard-pressed in every way, but not cramped beyond movement; we are perplexed, but not absolutely with no way out; 9 we are persecuted, but not abandoned; we are knocked down, but not destroyed. 10 Always we endure in our body the death-dealing treatment that Jesus suffered, that the life of Jesus may also be made manifest in our body"

[07-07, 1:54 a.m.] Melody: There is reason for optimism, no mat

ter how hard things maybe get in times of our lives

I stopped listening to so much Irish folk music.

What happened?

I just forgot it existed.

Well, it's here in my life again.

🎶 Hazel Eyes - Sabrina Jordan

That capoeira style that starts with m, is basically whole wheat hip hop. I love it.

This is so much more the style that reaches for my heart. 

https://youtu.be/PggA2tvfPsk?si=XzK8Ov4pEDQ6cEyf

https://youtu.be/53aM7GQs0Ug?si=gTQYOBW0DeYbf6gw

Add - I think also of “let your light shine”...

      I think also of “let your light shine”. 

      I remember a friend illustrating This, or passing on the illustration that we are like little shards of glass on the moon. Maybe small on our own, but together reflecting Jehovah's light can be a light in the dark. Meaning more than the some of our parts. We are not insignificant.

Today: references to some scriptures that have comforted me

      Taste and see that Jehovah is good.

      Nobody in this world is perfect. Only God is good, Jesus said. (Not even Jesus). 

      That does make sense. For Jehovah. Our creator is not only righteous, but good. And everything we have he gave to us first. Everything we could give to him. Comes from him; but he doesn't mind. He doesn't hold that against us as if it is less true. Because he is love, he made us with love. 

       And nothing can separate us from that. 

       Nothing can separate us from Jehovah's love. #faith #love #bible

      Keep your eye focused and your whole body will be bright. 

      Keep your eyes fixed on the things. Unseen for the things seen are temporary, but the things unseen are everlasting. 

      God is love.

      Man was made in God's image. 

      The former things will not be called to mind, in the paradise.

      He will hold you, grasping you firmly, with his right hand of righteousness. 

      There is no fear in love. 

      (^This exonerates me, for loving; even when I put myself down for it).

      Only God is good.

      Our “Heavenly Father”, that title for our Creator, speaks to the relationship with him he holds out to us. I remember examining even with the nation of Israel, the wordings that were used at different times uswd to denote more of a legal relationship, and another time one of tenderness and intimacy. Both relationships, both secure; but the intention for warmth and love is there. 

      Draw close to God and he will draw close to you.

~~

      Let your love be without hypocrisy, keep on blessing those who persecute; bless and do not curse.

      Return evil for evil to no one. Vengeance is God’s, he will repay. But “if your enemy is hungry, feed him; this will reap fiery coals on his head. 

      Do not let yourself be conquered by the evil, but keep conquering the evil with the good.

 ***Sensitive people tend to love the colour red right now

Tonight's tortilla pizza, With homemade pickled artichoke :)

Tonight's tortilla pizza, With homemade pickled artichoke :)

(Had this tonight with family, made while going back watching episode 2 of star wars)

The longest thing to prepare was definitely the pickled artichokes. Had to start yesterday. 

The artichokes got unreduced, cleaned them, boiled them for about 30 to 40 minutes. The next time I probably wouldn't go all the way to 40, also added in a whole head of garlic (there were six artichokes) And some salt in the water. 

The garlic cloves were cut in roughly thirds.

The next day in the morning I put the cooled and cut pieces into brine to white vinegar ratio of one to about 1.3.

I added oregano to the (cool) brine with the vinegar, And topped the jar with olive oil. 

Walking the artichokes I took off the tough outermost leaves, and chopped the top third of the whole artichoke, then more clinically used a pair of kitchen scissors at Grandma's suggestion to cut off pointy tips that were still left and anything that I just felt were probably going to be too tough. 

After marinating all afternoon, these made the main topping up the tortilla pizza! 

For the tortilla pizza, in addition to the artichokes I topped with tomato sauce, oyster, mushrooms, and tomatoes. Extremely thinly sliced. It's important that things are thinly sliced enough, otherwise it weighs in soggies down the tortilla. 

For the tomato sauce, I just took the Primo crushed tomato puree and mixed it with some Berry, very finely chopped pieces onion the way my mom showed me to cut it, making it very thin, as well as minced garlic. I put about 1/3 of an onion, and maybe three cloves of fine lie, minced garlic straight into about one cup of the tomato puree. Maybe a bit more. 

I salted with seasoning salts just a little bit and regular salt to taste. Put in a little bit of black pepper, and some oregano, and some garlic powder for dispersion. 

I mixed in olive oil

This was sitting at least an hour before being used is topping, and in that time the fragrant juices seeped in. 

To top it, if putting in the toaster oven, I would avoid putting cheese all the way to the ends, but otherwise in the traditional oven on top of a pizza pan with holes at 425° f they're baked for about 8 minutes and you can put cheese all the way to the ends. In either case, I do suggest putting the thin layer of tomato sauce all the way to the end. It does look quite thin compared to usual, but keep in mind this is just for tortilla. I put slightly less tomato sauce in the middle to avoid middle sogging. 

Shredded mozzarella cheese comes after the tomato sauce, and then the cut oyster mushrooms, pickled artichoke pieces, and the very thinly sliced tomatoes. 

These should be distributed to keep in mind that moisture should not be piled into the middle. If anything, I actually move moist things slightly away from the middle since it will largely end up there anyway.

Fake at 425° f for about 8 minutes in the oven, 5 minutes in the toaster oven with nothing on the bottom. However, it is much better in the oven on top of the pizza pan with holes.

Important note, the sauce is not cooked at all.

Note to self: write about understanding quadratics, finally

 While vacuuming with the awesome vacuum cleaner.

Write about the awesome vacuum cleaner, too.

As of now "bus thoughts" will also be combined with "vacuuming thoughts" or "vacuum thoughts."

"Vacuum thoughts" is funny because they tend to be on very core principles working from different situations to understanding of concepts purely as if in a hypothetical vacuum.

I feel like I am transparent and people just aren't looking.

No one has love greater than this, that someone should surrender his life in behalf of his friends.

-John 15:13

More Tree Scriptures to Meditate On

Could not be more glad I read June 21's reading so close to today's, Jeremiah 11.

Jeremiah 11:16

Jehovah once called you a thriving olive tree, Beautiful with fine fruit. With a great roaring sound, he has set her on fire, And they have broken its branches.

~~

Also, Daniel 4:25, 26 is another time imagery of a tree is used in the Bible to makes point or illustrate something happening:

25 You will be driven away from among men, and your dwelling will be with the beasts of the field, and you will be given vegetation to eat just like bulls; and you will become wet with the dew of the heavens, and seven times will pass over you, until you know that the Most High is Ruler in the kingdom of mankind and that he grants it to whomever he wants.

26 “‘But because they said to leave the stump of the tree with its roots, your kingdom will be yours again after you come to know that the heavens are ruling.

~~

Conversely, scriptures that are assuring of stability, using tree imagery:

(June 21st's)

“For there is hope even for a tree.” - Job 4:17

Also, Matthew 21:

"18 While returning to the city early in the morning, he felt hungry. 19 He caught sight of a fig tree by the road and went to it, but he found nothing on it except leaves, and he said to it: “Let no fruit come from you ever again.” And the fig tree withered instantly. 20 When the disciples saw this, they were amazed and said: “How is it that the fig tree withered instantly?” 21 In answer Jesus said to them: “Truly I say to you, if you have faith and do not doubt, not only will you do what I did to the fig tree, but even if you say to this mountain, ‘Be lifted up and thrown into the sea,’ it will happen. 22 And all the things you ask in prayer, having faith, you will receive"

This was an emotionally resonant thing that day especially, feeling peace 🤍

~

Isaiah 65:22

"They will build houses and live in them, And they will plant vineyards and eat their fruitage. 22 They will not build for someone else to inhabit, Nor will they plant for others to eat. For the days of my people will be like the days of a tree, And the work of their hands my chosen ones will enjoy to the full."

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DZncYMBx-9G/?igsh=YjlpNW80emE0eWRv

(Images of an idyllic life in the country, around horses, with a dog, an earthy home, quiet in nature)

This is what I wanted from the start. But the older I get, the more I let it go, and the more I embrace what seems to be inescapable life of conflict for cause.

My tree isn't on fire anymore

“For there is hope even for a tree.” - Job 4:17

~~

My tree isn't on fire anymore.

And not only is it not on fire, it is restored, healed. As if it was never burned to begin with.

~~

Matthew 21:

18 While returning to the city early in the morning, he felt hungry. 19 He caught sight of a fig tree by the road and went to it, but he found nothing on it except leaves, and he said to it: “Let no fruit come from you ever again.” And the fig tree withered instantly. 20 When the disciples saw this, they were amazed and said: “How is it that the fig tree withered instantly?” 21 In answer Jesus said to them: “Truly I say to you, if you have faith and do not doubt, not only will you do what I did to the fig tree, but even if you say to this mountain, ‘Be lifted up and thrown into the sea,’ it will happen. 22 And all the things you ask in prayer, having faith, you will receive

💚 

#goodgift

~~

It's funny. Whenever I upload an image and blogger defaults to Center alignment, it reminds me of those inspirational, scripture, or otherwise Hallmark card like graphics or cards. 

I wasn't going to keep it there but the emoji in the middle like that is nice and you know. what I'm feeling the slightly cheesy/tacky today.

*Okay maybe I'm not feeling it that much enough to keep it centered. Not the *whole* thing at least.

**Dangit my browser is struggling and I can't change it 😂 

For the record, before the environmental toll was known to me, I was getting into StarWars and Chat GPT told me I am most like Pbi-Wan Kenobi, and also some Ahsoka Tano.

I saw Ahsoka the cartoon charter on the tv at my cousins' place summaries as a kid,. I had no idea what was going on but always liked her the most.

I also liked Padme, Obi-Wan, and Jarjar,but still without a sense of who they are in the plot. I liked the different kinds of sincere ways they came off, though. 

Didn't understand what the big deal was that Chat GPT kept telling me I am most like Obi-Wan (I was almost frustrated just wishing the answer sound be simply Ahsoka)... but dang 😂 I get the big reactions now and and very, very flattered to have them both lol.

Emily Flood's cover of Can’t Take My Eyes Off of Youis the sound of the happiest years of life 🩷

https://youtu.be/sWLY-04wBas?si=5NnUAYEZR-SA3IG_

🌺🩵💛

Hibiscus, the compute link with aqua and yellow,  sun and soaked on the water, and b moon in a dark blue sky on a warm night. 

I get to choose who I will be, I choose who I will be…

Venn Diagram Idea - “ignorance” and “naivete”

Idea to write about: the difference between “ignorance” and “naivete”. Would probably be cool as a Venn diagram, too.

Recent Hit of an Iteration of Macaroni and Cheese + Random Personal Cooking Lessons From Not Terribly Distant History

Macaroni and cheese - black pepper, fresh diced tomato, green onions, heavy whipping cream + some starch water (emulsify away, baby!)

Taco sauce topping optional.

TIL the reason cream with macaroni sits well with me even better than without, but with butter it's worse, it's because cream is already naturally emulsified (wow?!) and cream if straight up fats which makes it even more separated.

~~

Random Personal Cooking Lessons From Not Terribly Distant History (might remove later idk lol)

cooking lessons for myself, not saying not obvious to everyone else) over time

Emulsify the mac and cheese - starch water, 35% cream (not butter!) - cream is already emulsified

Pay attention to water release. Pay attention to water release. Pay attention to water release 

A stir fry where you want the vegetables crispy still kind of crispy and not floppy and soggy, do not add the salt until the very end. Otherwise, it will release the water and it will be both floppy, and create a stew on the bottom of the vegetables. 

Add a splash of lemon juice at the end of a soup (sometimes) or stew to enhance the flavor. 

Learn to use cornstarch. You won't regret it. - I need to get bolder with it though. I don't know why I struggle with this so much.

Take note of how your stomach feels when you eat foods that are too basic, not just too acidic. I've noticed that my mouth, and my stomach, tend to not love foods that are highly basic. I love ginger, but if there's too much ginger and dish, I probably won't really like it or feel terribly good eating it. (I have noticed when making ramen soups there is something different that happens; find out what that is.) 

Back to cream versus butter. Cream is already emulsified! If cream has so much fat, why wouldn't you leave it? It doesn't separate between the oil and water? It's because it's already almost died. This is actually quite wondrous that mammals do this as well right from the mammette, otherwise it wouldn't work.

I have noticed that when I like to fry tofu it just goes over better if I fry it in a cooking oil that is just a little oil, and lots of margarine, then anything else. It crisps the outside of the tofu or the other oils. Just don't do it as much. I would probably need to use cornstarch to get the effect others to, and I'm still bad at that. 

High heat for vegetables and things you want crispy on the outside. Soft on the inside! 

For me, putting more water on the bottom of a baked food, whether I'm baking potatoes, or chicken, tends to make things go over better. They cook more evenly, and there's this really great sauciness and the food is more moist. I tend to underestimate how much it will evaporate. This not only influences the cooking in the food, but as well as the cleanup car tickets stuck to the pan. 

Learning to parboil, or even in more cases lately pre-boil, vegetables before I cook them has been a complete game changer. Especially for okra. It is a whole new world now, okra Cooks more evenly, it's more tender, takes us time, and doesn't end up over seasoned over the fact that I have to cook it so long and I keep after adding water and it feels like it's either washing the flavor away or adding too much if I add more soy sauce. - a secondary thing that this has been a game changer for now, are potatoes. When making lemon potatoes I diced the potatoes and actually boiled them to to the early cooked through stage. We could have actually been eaten that way in theory probably, before I baked them at 425 ° f with that that well-seasoned stock at the bottom, too. 

I tend to use black pepper, paprika, garlic, and salt in everything. (Not literally) 

Black pepper and almost perfect though. Even in white pepper eggs, I add black pepper to cut the egginess. 

Learning that egginess gets cut with black pepper, especially if I added in during the cooking stage has changed my eating habits entirely. - Also, see my entire procedure for cooking the perfect over easy eggs for what might have been the first time when I realized how much technique, and chemistry, influences whether food turns out the way I like and what feels good, or not. (cooking low heat at the beginning, adding black pepper especially and any other seasoning like paprika or garlic powder early, then flipping the egg and turning it on high heat all the way. Cook, to cook literally for just a couple seconds to simply “seal” over the uncooked egg, than serving. This only works though given it was cooked on low at the beginning. Otherwise, it would still be white jelly in the middle. It is important that it is basically cooked through to the point you need it cooked before the flip, because you're only going to be keeping it on for another 2 and 2 and a 1/2 seconds or something.)

Margarine agrees with my stomach. Much better than better. I don't know why. So does ghee- jono explained that this is actually what movie theater popcorn butter is. I totally taste and feel the difference. 

Salt the water before boiling noodles. Always. 

And instead to soak it in water, there's probably a good reason. If you boil it, the outside will likely become mushy while the inside stays undercooked. 

Chop the thick stems of leafy Chinese vegetables separately from the leaves for a more even cook. Duh 😃 I don't know why it took me so long to think of this 😃

Adding lemon – I realized, back to the very basic food thing, that both for digestion and for taste, I really don't like food that is too basic. I haven't checked the chemistry for this, but it also just makes it feel less sulfuric. Hence lemon on fried fish (something taught to me when younger already)

Pay attention to the sequence if you're feeling picky of whether you put oil or soy sauce or vinegar or dry seasonings first on top of a salad, or baked foods. Remember that oil and water do not mix, like dissolves like, And this is quite obvious. But yes, dry seasonings get washed off if you add liquids on top. A practice that has become more common for me is seasoning the liquid at the bottom of a baked dish more than I used to. You don't just want the seasoning to be on top of the food; in fact, for things like black pepper, if you just pile it on there and you're cooking on high heat, it might even burn.

You can actually put onions in, green onions, closer to the end of the recipe. Recipe not only without compromising The taste, but actually making it better, then I anticipated. This effect is quite dramatic with cilantro. I noticed. If I'm making a soup with cilantro, it tastes less like cilantro if I put the cilantro to be actually boiled with the broth.. I suspect basil is similar to this. 

Bruise basil. I love basil but never understood how people make it tasteable in cooking. Still working on this to be honest, I don't really understand. - huge tip: Grandma got from the internet the idea of freezing basil in olive oil. It turned out so fantastically; that that oil and herb after it came from the freezer tasted more fresh and more basil-like than any other basil I have ever had. Fantastic. 

In my own cooking, this is merely preferential, but I am not above powdered garlic and onions. In fact, especially for soups. I find the flavor releases slower, in a more mucky for a very poor lack of better term, than fresh garlic. It gets in between the bits of every bite, cooking throughout the entire meal, differently ; maybe it's chemical composition transforming less than the juices of and garlic pieces. (Though not discouraging the use of actual garlic and onion, at all. I will say though that for the Chinese soy sauce sesame chili pepper, onion, cucumber salad, tend I do favor now onion powder instead of the fresh onions for most of it or even all of it when I'm on my own, because it feels less stuck in the back of my throat, staying in my breath, and affecting my stomach all day.

For me, boiling mushrooms before frying them or putting them in food like an omelette makes it so much better... And definitely save that mushroom water. Use it for the water that thins and is beat in with the eggs. Before you pour it into the pan. You won't regret it! It puts that delicious smell frame all throughout the egg, and prevents the mushroom pieces from feeling shriveled and hard, or from locking in uncooked egg. - the key aspect that got me to do this was because I was very tired of how mushrooms were basically oil sponges. I love mushrooms so much, but there came a time where I cooked some Portobello mushrooms as a steak. I was so, so excited to eat, and I could barely take a second bite. It was an oil sponge and that was neither healthy nor tasty nor something my stomach could handle. But on the basis of like dissolves like and oil and water do not mix because of polar versus nonpolar molecules, if I were to boil the mushroom first, it prevents it from taking in all the oil, including taking it away from the rest of the dish if the mushrooms go in earlier. Otherwise, I'd find myself having to add three times the amount of butter or other fats that I was planning on using. Just because the mushroom is mopping it all up and I would have to add more oil, and/ore more water to stop everything from sticking. But if it was water, it would indeed make everything else less tasty and cooked differently because now it is being steamed or broiled, not fried.

Going to be captain freaking obvious here, Mel, but he's heat speeds up chemical reactions. So if you find you put something in at the wrong time, no, keeping it on. The heat does not help. You go back in time as if because you're not done cooking because it's still on the heat, that means you have more time than you do. It's probably doing the opposite. 

^ acids May speed up reactions too, such as tomato in an emulsification situation. This is why when I made the macaroni and cheese, not only where starch, water and heavy cream important for emulsification, the feeling that I noted that it wasn't a good thing when I added the green onions earlier rather than later, is valid. Same goes with adding the tomatoes. I still have to Google more about the onions, but I am more convinced of that than the tomatoes. I think I was over conservative this last time. I made it because of fearing overstopping the ulcification process and then I put the tomatoes in. If anything maybe a little too late and they more fresh than I'd have liked. (But it's okay; just a learning opportunity).

Onion and garlic are not interchangeable. I knew that already, but listen to my gut. Adding the bit of garlic powder to the other night's mac and cheese was definitely a mistake. It's okay, that was intentional experimentation. I did have the feeling wasn't going to be something I loved, but I'm glad I explored it. 

^ When you make the soy sauce okra that also comes into play. Fresh or roasted garlic. All the way; maybe a dash of the powdered could be good too, but for this one I do quite prefer only the fresh real deal. 

Adding a bit of butter and/ or margarine at the “bottom” / when frying the fragrant ingredients before boiling vegetarian soup broth. (Or any, I suspect. Though I don't know her from tasting it because I am a vegetarian lol.) It gives it a deeper flavor, enhances the umami of any mushrooms there and acts almost like MSG to me. Instead of adding MSG to soup. When I did get it, I just added the butter and/ or margarine and it did it instead in a way that I enjoyed and like more.** This is a big one though with vegetarian brothy stuff for me. A dollop of margarine (margarine for me, I prefer that over butter or increasing dairy consumption. Generally, the butter is freshly because my stomach is indeed sensitive to it- eggs cooked in butter versus eggs cooked in margarine can make all the difference for me depending on how it was cooked, health in the egg, possibly, etc.)

Remember, salt releases water. 

^I said that already before, but it deserves to be said twice. It it genuinely changes the cooking experience, the bubbling of ingredients in the textures that are formed, flavors mixed, created, watered down, caramelized or not... So many levels. Pudding salt at the time that feels intuitive; the time that feels beneficial to change the way the bubbling happens, the temperature of the food even (ALSO: remember that salt melts ice - relevant for Frozen ingredients that you did not defrost - and takes water down a notch from boiling. Take that into consideration with your timing, not only flavor, Also, remembering that salt and water, continues to begin to more salt into the vegetables or ingredients in your food. 

Remember to be diligent though it is hard to do so without anxiety or worry worry for an overthinker- it is true that if you mess up the chemical reaction in your cooking, This does enter into your ingredients very fast, especially on heat though not limited to it (as early as the first touch of soy sauce, or vinegar atop a salad of fresh or merely blanched vegetables though especially fresh).

Chef illustration (in progress/draft/def unpolished)

Chef illustration (in progress/draft/def unpolished)

Note: sorry if this makes no sense. I am so tired but wanted to right to the idea of this down before going to bed. Hope something positive comes through for you <3

Like a cook who realizes they have made a mistake and cannot go back in the time fix it, though of course fellow workers and colleagues can be there to support, run to “to the head chef” who is kind, wise, and genuinely invites you to rely on him. Even as you explore “cooking” freely throughout your life, Do not let shame or fear convince you that under the heat of the moment, this is where you should try to just fix it by yourself; you never meant to disappoint. You feel badly, you feel embarrassed. You don't want to burden anyone else, and you hope to be able to just undo this so it never really happened. 

We cannot change the past. But are ever wise, and loving. Heavenly father wants us to come to him. He wants us to run to him, to run to him first. 

Heat tends to speed up chemical reactions, all the reactions that happen in cooking whether going right or wrong.

And yet, it is maybe the panic of it all that can make us clench down on trying to solve it ourselves. Maybe only getting our best friend in the kitchen who we hope could help us without judging us to fix it. But the longer you delay the harder it will be later. 

God is not only pretending he wants to help you. To be your best self you can be, to grow, not to be consumed and cut down by mistakes but to face them, face the for real, work with him to make things right. With him, with others (especially accountable to both when you have hurt them), and yourself, too. Best as you can. He really wants to be there for you, closely. 

Run to him. He wants to be there with you, for you, to guide you and make a success your life. And he has made it ever clear that your life doesn't have to be perfect, you don't have to be perfect for him to have decided you are worth it. He has decided this already. Each person, including you, are worth so much to him ♥️

(John 3:16; Luke 12:6,7 for a couple scriptures I hope you might find encouraging to this point.)