Never marry a man who is afraid of horses. It means he fears what he cannot control. For this, he will likely either hold back from you, or, try to break you. 

Chances are you want someone will face you as an equal. 

~~

He tried to force me into a broken domestication. 

Instead, he found the forces of creation come upon him. 

(It is a wonder how one can be so surprised that even the kindest of patience has its limits...)

There's nothing at the end of this, is there.

~~

There is nothing in front of me, and nothing behind me.

There is only the War. No cause to be fighting for on this earth. Is there?

 Maybe I am grateful for the terrible things that happened, that made me a fighter.

Because maybe I would feel worse right now if I didn't already know that about myself.

It's a different kind of bad, a different kind of pain to ask how could this happen to me after I was that, versus how could this happen but there is no physical warrior history from before to remember.

I can't say I like or enjoy thinking of it this way. I don't want to imagine a world where all the chance that should never have happened to begin with are to credit for what I am able to do now. (Even if partly, unknowing exactly how much is unnerving but there is no point in wasting my mind on guessing).

I just know that it is.

Perhaps this is over-idebtifing with my suffering? I don't know, it's hard to say. And if the answer is indeed yesz which part of this is the suffering I am over-idebtifuing with? Which parts of myself have I decided I don't deserve to feel happy with it proud of because it only came from things not only I didn't ask for, but should never have happened in the first place?

All of it, arguably.

None of us would have been born without some really, really horrible things that universally should never have happened.

So perhaps the point from here is not to try to divide ourselves in separate parts between this is not me and this other part doesn't count; we are all part of the larger whole of nature, of creation, anyway. We all come from the same place, and in this world we all go to the same place; we all can only hope for the same future, we all may only know the same One Ultimate Creator.

None of this is to our credit, anyway. (Undeserved kindness; only God is good.)

So perhaps it is not what sets us apart but how we join and move together that defines us each uniquely. Our unique movements throughout the universe, recurring in cycles but a soul so unique, and uniquely valuable, and truly, uniquely loved and lovable in our own rights.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DZncYMBx-9G/?igsh=YjlpNW80emE0eWRv

(Images of an idyllic life in the country, around horses, with a dog, an earthy home, quiet in nature)

This is what I wanted from the start. But the older I get, the more I let it go, and the more I embrace what seems to be inescapable life of conflict for cause.

Don't Blink, But Do Dream

...N2 said she really hopes I recognize Jehovah using me this way, after I made such extreme sacrifices to go and do that, is him showing me his favour and approval of me.

While I can intellectually understand what she is saying, I have a hard time feeling it on that level.

I feel blessed to be able to do what I should do and I don't doubt that this is what I should do. 

But anything beyond that about me being approved as a whole person is something I'm not sure why I have such a hard time emotionally getting to. 

Not because of necessarily and constant doubt of this. 

But maybe the mind that this will be what it will be; and I can do my best and then that is what will happen. 

I want his approval. Especially at my end, and in the fullest way I can until then.

But it’s almost to me like hearing my grade standing before report cards. 

That can be nice to hear, but it is not over yet. I want to know I am loved by him. I want to know what I do pleased him for my whole life. That my mistakes are in the net value of my life outweighed by the good.

But I can't assume that. I can't even envision it a lot of the times.

But it doesn't matter. It will be what it will be and I can only do my best and beg for him to forgive and remember me.

It's all I need, for myself directly. Of course I want my loved ones to be well, spiritually, physically, emotionally, as well. So fully I desire this, and hope it.

But I can't really hope for myself that way, I find.

I don't have to tell myself life is going to be okay for me to keep doing it, fighting all the way at war. Someday it will end, anyway. 

I have always know we are at war. I have always know that this is my life. That my title in summary, as my occupation, is that of a warrior. And I will fulfil it, fight to the end until I die fighting as my expectation. 

I pray to be sustained. I regret my coping mechanisms and anxieties and both mental and physical weaknesses that get in the way. 

But that is not something in my control so easily as I would like, and I don't want to be so preoccupied with that regret or wishing for or entertaining well-intended hope people try to give me that these will go away and life will be all okay soon.

It will be when the war is over. That would be nice to have even now, but I can't think about that so much. Not for fear of disappointment, but because focusing on wishing things to appear right in front of me that probably won't come is not a good way to fight a war.

You can hope. You can, and must keep your eyes on the things unseen as in our *assured* hope.

And no matter what the situation is, that is enough.

We can hope for other smaller things too, of course. But it is somehow a bit of a hard thing when people well-intended try to assure me something good is right before me because that is what they want it to be for me, because they love me.

But I can't fight this if I look at it as what I wish it would be instead of what it is.

Because what I wish it looked is virtually nothing like this, and following not even a dream but simply a wish is like following beautiful seeds over a cliff. 

That is how you make yourself lose.

I dream, I do. It doesn't sound like it, I understand.

But I know the difference, and just don't lie to myself about when my eyes are open and when they are closed.

Sometimes I wish I was built a little less warrior, and a little more artist

I wish I was built a little less warrior, and a little more artist.

I’d like to be fighting less and creating more.

In fact, I’d like the whole world to be that way.

But I just can’t keep my hands to myself, and I always go back to the fight.

(Title edited Dec 28, 2019)