Don't Blink, But Do Dream

...N2 said she really hopes I recognize Jehovah using me this way, after I made such extreme sacrifices to go and do that, is him showing me his favour and approval of me.

While I can intellectually understand what she is saying, I have a hard time feeling it on that level.

I feel blessed to be able to do what I should do and I don't doubt that this is what I should do. 

But anything beyond that about me being approved as a whole person is something I'm not sure why I have such a hard time emotionally getting to. 

Not because of necessarily and constant doubt of this. 

But maybe the mind that this will be what it will be; and I can do my best and then that is what will happen. 

I want his approval. Especially at my end, and in the fullest way I can until then.

But it’s almost to me like hearing my grade standing before report cards. 

That can be nice to hear, but it is not over yet. I want to know I am loved by him. I want to know what I do pleased him for my whole life. That my mistakes are in the net value of my life outweighed by the good.

But I can't assume that. I can't even envision it a lot of the times.

But it doesn't matter. It will be what it will be and I can only do my best and beg for him to forgive and remember me.

It's all I need, for myself directly. Of course I want my loved ones to be well, spiritually, physically, emotionally, as well. So fully I desire this, and hope it.

But I can't really hope for myself that way, I find.

I don't have to tell myself life is going to be okay for me to keep doing it, fighting all the way at war. Someday it will end, anyway. 

I have always know we are at war. I have always know that this is my life. That my title in summary, as my occupation, is that of a warrior. And I will fulfil it, fight to the end until I die fighting as my expectation. 

I pray to be sustained. I regret my coping mechanisms and anxieties and both mental and physical weaknesses that get in the way. 

But that is not something in my control so easily as I would like, and I don't want to be so preoccupied with that regret or wishing for or entertaining well-intended hope people try to give me that these will go away and life will be all okay soon.

It will be when the war is over. That would be nice to have even now, but I can't think about that so much. Not for fear of disappointment, but because focusing on wishing things to appear right in front of me that probably won't come is not a good way to fight a war.

You can hope. You can, and must keep your eyes on the things unseen as in our *assured* hope.

And no matter what the situation is, that is enough.

We can hope for other smaller things too, of course. But it is somehow a bit of a hard thing when people well-intended try to assure me something good is right before me because that is what they want it to be for me, because they love me.

But I can't fight this if I look at it as what I wish it would be instead of what it is.

Because what I wish it looked is virtually nothing like this, and following not even a dream but simply a wish is like following beautiful seeds over a cliff. 

That is how you make yourself lose.

I dream, I do. It doesn't sound like it, I understand.

But I know the difference, and just don't lie to myself about when my eyes are open and when they are closed.