a few pics of recent

 

There are, so far, two types of people:

People who believe yellow is my saber colour, and those who do not.

There is no third category because the answer is very hard to see. Most people have to pay attention for it, and some people physically can't.

But it is what it is, whether recognized by others or not.

It represents a question of identity I don't always want to face, bur perhaps the only one that has ever really mattered:

Is your true self who you were before the darkness, or after it?

My staff speaks my answer:

Both.

And in some lights, you can hardly tell the difference.

earth, air or wind, and water, have already come

and here is where I learn fire.

❤️‍🔥

A white hot flame.

~~

(image: digital sketch of a Jedi with a yellow saber staff, in an ash-covered burnt forest.)

Got stuck in an elevator, 7/10 would recommend. Would have been better if the walls were cleaner to lean on 

^ not even joking. (I think something may be wrong with me 😅) it was funny at first. I just figured I must be dissociating and that's why it feels like time is moving so slowly. Nope, the elevator doors actually should have opened. They are not opening. I felt a wave of relief. Is something good realizing I can now text everyone and say sorry. I'm stuck in an elevator! And no one will expect anything from me. 

I've been so tired, I've been so tired to be on demand, I'm not Netflix 😂 (I told my mom that)

It made me worry if maybe I'm becoming avoidant. 

It has been a pretty completely insane couple weeks though with everybody texting me. Maybe don't assess as the average, what is the exception; and just keep an eye out, discerning, honest, open, positive in the way of true positivity not toxic. 

Goodnight, and good morning 🌅

 

Goodnight, and good morning 🌅 

~~

STICK (grocery store edition)

PSA do not mess with me and my emotional support stick at no frills. (It's a sugar cane from fresh produce).

~~

It was both a happy distraction thinking about twirling the stick and Flo staffing, and also made me feel safe. It has been over a year I think since I have lost not felt panicked in the grocery store so this was really great! 

At one point I was going to put it down so that I can more easily get a produce bag. But after I set it down, a guy turned and looked at me weird, and I turned back around fully and making full eye contact picked the stick back up, mentally saying “it’s mine!” (Like a dog.) he gave me a bit of distance but followed me around the grocery store. Inside an aisle, where I had the feeling he was going to make his way inside. Soon, when he did I started twirling the stick a bit, not wildly but solidly with both feet firm on the ground.

I did not see him again 😂 

Pressed flowers

 

On the Menu Today Sorta Recipes - I'm a vegetarian but made Worcestershire chicken for people

Recipes (to-taste style, as most on this blog are for the time being) on the menu today:

• Baked Lemony Asparagus - seasoned with olive oil, black pepper, lemon juice, paprika (regular), salt, a d garlic powder. Baked at 400-426 for about 40 minutes - had to open the oven and stir with tongs several times because the three packs of asparagus were super stacked on top of each other. 

• Baked Worcestershire chicken: 8 skinless boneless chicken thighs baked at 400°F for 30 minutes. Seasoned with olive oil, Worcestershire sauce (and a splash of water because I don't remember perfectly clearly what this tastes like from before so was vegetarian, but I remember it was intense), garlic paste, garlic powder, onion powder, one whole chopped onion in square-ish pieces and layers detached from one another, paprika, black pepper  (on the generous side), and a bit of dry chili flakes. - update: dad has called this “a winning recipe”! (Woo!)

• Mushroom and onion omelette - cooked half a white onion cut into very small pieces (used mom's trick from Instagram where you keep the stem part in tact, then cut vertical lines through the onion without going all the way through so the stem still holds it together, then cut across those rows

horizontally to cut little pieces easier) until mostly cooked in generous margarine, threw in maybe 7 cut medium-sized white mushrooms along with a splash of hot or warmed water poured stop the mushrooms to prevent it from being overly oiley. Cook well, and then add 5 eggs best together with about 5 tablespoons of cold water along with a generous black pepper and a little salt.

• Grandma's pasta, modified with frozen spinach added for extra iron and greens.

Chicken before and after:

Asparagus mid-way and after:

Mushrooms, and appearance in omelette:

Pic of Grandma's pasta:

Van Gogh-like chair

[Redacted], MC’s friend up in [redacted] she keeps saying is basically my twin, reposted something on Van Gogh’s chair paintings, representing him and his roommate and their differences in art.

     Today I saw the really little kid chair from Ikea, from my childhood, in the kitchen. Battered and discoloured, but charming, old, young, and ageless all at the same time. 

     Maybe I can paint that chair, sometime. (And others).

     It will be a challenge a bit I think since it's so structured, but that's okay. It's not like there's one shot ever, and there is a little celebration in my mind right now remembering that.

     I've been rushing constantly and anxious and scared all the time so long, it also seemed like every little sliver of something important to me is a one shot wonder.

     Not that I haven't learned any life lessons there or in situations like that, rather; such as rejecting perfectionism in my art better as a whole over time. 

     But yes, there is a little autumn-leaf-pile-throwing-like celebration happening in my mind, remembering otherwise and getting to do art more than once and it's okay. And it's wonderful. 

      Virtue ended up in a picture or a few, too :)

      Mom and I missed and giggled and then laughed as we saw Virtute come to fight a clear lid in a box. She even jumped up to stamp it harder!

   

Photos from the saddest trip of our lives so far