the most vulnerable journal excerpt here

~~

🎶 Watch the Stars - Whitney Hansen fear. wholesoul quartet

https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=5frSJo5n0b4&si=FjT1dhPR67M-IsJN

I remember showing E this song, I think somewhere in [place]. 

He listened to it, and held my hand.

Sometimes I think of that moment, and think that this might have been the moment of all time where he really emphasized with me the most. (Maybe loved me the most, too. In the way of what love really means).

I talked to you in my mind lots of times even before that became something that sounds too much like forever even though I know the hope, even though I know Jehovah giving me an answered prayer, which I talked to you mom about, too. About how your name is in His book of life. Isn't that amazing, Eternal? You are in His book of life. Really. You made it. 

I wish I could say I felt like I knew or even felt I should bother think I might be there to tell you about it laterm.I wish I could be there for you, but I’m afraid, really, really afraid I won't and I'm not usually afraid of this. We never did any of this to live forever. But I don't want you to have to hear that you’ll really be without me forever. That thought makes me so sad. I don't want to do that to you, but I'm afraid I am going to fail. 

I remember showing my mom the song, too.

Even though I had told her, warned her. She wasn't prepared; nothing could have prepared her. 

(It's like the song was written by me, for her, this year.

All her. All me.) [Here, I spoke not as if to Eternal, but to my mom.]

All the worst parts of this life, too.

When the lyrics hit “I wonder what you'd make of me and all the ugly anger in my eyes” and it just kept going.

I've never seen my mom cry like that, either.

(And I don't want to say goodbye to the one year of forever where this song as it talks about your sister being nearly 23, is true. The year I have found it, even, with the gift of it.) #goodgift

We miss you so, so much, my dear.friemd.

I was in Vancouver, finally. For the worst reasons possible, not literally the worst possible, but you'd know what I mean.

I have had this feeling sometimes with others, too, or very similar ones of wow insane familiarity and similarity. It has always warmed my heart, made my heart burn, to be reminded of it with her, too. This time the lead up time or something about its unfolding that lent such a level of surprise made it really sharp this time. 

I miss you so, so much. All the time.

I never cha gets my WhatsApp PFP from a digital paintimg I made of us at Crystal Beach, only making it night 

You had asked us for the photos from that day before and I wish so much we had gotten them to you. You know I couldn't, they were on my dad's device and something happened I guess and I didn't have them either.

I wish even harder though, in a way, that I thought to make this painting for you before you died. You would have really liked it. Maybe a copy of it will survive into the new world, maybe not.

Whether it does matters so much less though than everything else. That we should go to the beach together. That you have to be there, that you will. That I have to try to be there with you. (I don't know if I can. I want to so badly.)

I want to to good. We wanted to be good.

I wish I told you again about OCD. What if it had changed everything.

I posted this song with a photo of the stars, in Vancouver, I was saying.

I was thinking about you. 

This is never news, to anyone who knows me. Especially myself. (No, especially Jehovah, of course).

When people liked it I thought of them liking something for you too, this time, in a way.

Because if they love the stars they should love you too 

And the moon. The “INFP” moon so often typed on PDB, as you know. We talked about the moon, and it's likening to you and INFPs most. INFJs too, to an extent.

You knew I was an INFJ.

(We were I to MBTI... Before 16p and other things made it different and kind of weird. So, so into it, together. Niche, in our own little world, observing the world and focusing on positivity as much as we can and at least how we can draw something positive, for working towards optimistic outcomes).

I remember that day so clearly, sitting on the cement porch.

When my parents changed the shingles I almost lost my mind, because the colour over us when we talked was red. And when we got rid of the old teal sienna, because between those purple tinted windows was where we had that fateful moment,.conversation on the way to Crystal Beach where you asked me *if* hypothetically I could choose where to be assigned in the new world, where would it be?

I knew many people don't know a lot about this or ask why, but my answer clear as day was “Mongolia”

Your joyful shriek of “me too!!!!” was the nicest thing I've heard in my life. And I remember your face what you said it, and my voice rising to the happy shriek, too, and even my mom in the car too and I think the girls (though I was so focused on your and this amazing thing, we are Mongolia sisters, twins in every way virtually as we would come to know). The feeling, the sounds, the sun through the purple tinted windows on the way to the beach and the happiest sounds in the world.

~~

...

We did service. Shared research. Talked about Jehovah and who he is, how we found him, how we would stay.

He stays with you, Amara. So close, you are living to him as it is, just sleeping.

I know when I'm close to him I am close to you, too, in another by by means of our mutual best friend.

Us, and MC, and my friend N2 who turns out it's our quadruplet. We have to, have to, *have to* meet together.

My friend Emma offers for me to talk about you with her.

...I hope one day I get to tell you not even bothering about that part. Just about my kind friend Emma who I talked to about you. Who also talks to me about tide pools; you and I did. Warm and watery and vibrant. Surfing; the surf.

We should all go to the beach.

We will. In my heart and mind, we already do. Like in that painting I made. In the inverse version, where it is night, your hand and mine sits in a random light patch of sand in the middle with full daytime sun in it.

Because we already have one foot in the new world. You really do.

I will work as hard as I can, Amara. I can promise you that much, that I will try, with heart, like those characters like Rapunzel and Judy Hopps we talked about several times.

I wish I could remember everything everything

It's never enough and it still never really would be even if I did. 

Because “Eternity was written in their hearts”.

You are Eternal. 

Your Chinese name i gave you is YongXia

Eternal, rosy cloud.

Because you loved rose gold, and are a dreamer, with your head in the clouds and seeing beauty everywhere you go.

Little did you know, you carried it.

~~

And other people, too. That you'd want to meet, that we would consider and honestly, analyze, together. (But from a positive place, always. Of love; appreciative).

I have so many things to tell you.

~~

2GG:

“Eternal,” past.

“Eternal”... Future. 🩶🤍🩷🌥️

"The things I have the privilege to hold of her with me as my life goes on."

~~

My friend, the stars tonight are beautiful even though I can't see them.

I know they are.

That is what faith is, as we talked about, isn't it? (The question is rhetorical. I know, don't worry. I will always know.)

They remind me of you, too. Stars, sunsets, and the moon. And lots more, honestly. (And always).

✨🌌

Those emojis, especially the fuller picture one how many times did I send one to you with a "Goodnight 🌌 Ttyl ^_^"?

~~

And MON ROVIA, the artist!

You would love him.

We’ll have to listen to his music together in the new world. Maybe go to a concert together. When I went with some friends, he stayed to have everyone meet him, and chatted. And very unpretentious from the start, hung out in the crowd listening to the opener, Edwin Raphael (oooh you'd love his lyrics and poetry too!).

Wow yeah. You are such a Mon Rovia folk music girl.

(And Edwin Raphael.)

<3

🎶 Crooked the Road - Mon Rovia

https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=yqX7NtzThgg&si=HcXDmjhP7Ux2re5N

"VitaB12" really likes them, too. I might see her soon. 

Stuff has been hard, but I'm really grateful for her and sisters like her. And I know you would be, will be, too all the more you hear about them more.

I need to get one thing straight

My most likely kyber crystal colour is presumably yellow. (X-ref, N2 and I's glowing lights in our imagination for this to be so natural). Or white, given the lore.

However, my favourite colour is *coral.*

I also love dusty lavender (it is my "secondary"), and growing up my favourite colour was green. So much green, I wore green every day for years from middle school almost to the end of high school, with a few days of exceptions with brown or burnt orange.

I also *adore* burnt orange; it has remained don't favourite colour to wear normally for a long time, aside from gray 🩶 

Dear gray, my comfort colour.

~~

Today it came from some sad beginnings to a conversation, but I found out one of my friends, L, is super into Star Wars!

It was really exciting to find out, and I have to say L's ability to carry on most of a conversation in Star Wars quotes is extremely impressive. (I def can't do that lol. One could say... He had the high ground on that).

It was exciting to be able to show someone my secret archived post of my saberstaff, and while I didn't talk about flow arts, it's fun to be able to share little bits and pieces with the outside world sometimes beyond my own backyard. And in videos.

(Perhaps... Perhaps someday I will do something on YouTube with this video's. Will see, hehe.)

Either way, whether with MC, N2, or now also L, it's really cool to have friends I can escape into this space world to with here and there, or mentally muse with it in a way that does or at least can at times extend to a shared experience.

Today [sibling] and I were talking about the influence of a variety of things on people, and how that enables people to basically be in sync or inflow with people. 

We talked about the influence of the moon and the seasons, which is really the Moon and gravity, and how it is well known that more babies are born on the full moon than any other time of the month. Even though we can't explain why, we simply know that this is the case. 

Jono asked when I was born what the moon phase was, and I had forgotten clearly because turns out it was actually 99.8 to 100% full depending on the time! And, in addition to being a complete full moon, it was a micro moon! In other words, it was particularly far from the earth so it appears small. 

I am (very) small! Micromoon could be a nickname or code name for me :D

Woooo my cousin Daniel asked today why I look so tall... Staffing has fixed my posture and stance so much he thought it looked like I grew 😆🥳

~~

The way Daniel (aka my "Dancing Cousin" since childhood, perhaps after today as we joked, also "Padawan") talks is so cool, and we keep telling him that. Specifically, that he should be a stand up comedian. (I'm serious. We all drive eachother crazy sometimes but we love his energy ❤️)

 Maybe I am grateful for the terrible things that happened, that made me a fighter.

Because maybe I would feel worse right now if I didn't already know that about myself.

It's a different kind of bad, a different kind of pain to ask how could this happen to me after I was that, versus how could this happen but there is no physical warrior history from before to remember.

I can't say I like or enjoy thinking of it this way. I don't want to imagine a world where all the chance that should never have happened to begin with are to credit for what I am able to do now. (Even if partly, unknowing exactly how much is unnerving but there is no point in wasting my mind on guessing).

I just know that it is.

Perhaps this is over-idebtifing with my suffering? I don't know, it's hard to say. And if the answer is indeed yesz which part of this is the suffering I am over-idebtifuing with? Which parts of myself have I decided I don't deserve to feel happy with it proud of because it only came from things not only I didn't ask for, but should never have happened in the first place?

All of it, arguably.

None of us would have been born without some really, really horrible things that universally should never have happened.

So perhaps the point from here is not to try to divide ourselves in separate parts between this is not me and this other part doesn't count; we are all part of the larger whole of nature, of creation, anyway. We all come from the same place, and in this world we all go to the same place; we all can only hope for the same future, we all may only know the same One Ultimate Creator.

None of this is to our credit, anyway. (Undeserved kindness; only God is good.)

So perhaps it is not what sets us apart but how we join and move together that defines us each uniquely. Our unique movements throughout the universe, recurring in cycles but a soul so unique, and uniquely valuable, and truly, uniquely loved and lovable in our own rights.

Excerpt - "One big thing..."

 One big thing: 

     The way I've come to revisit some good things in life or explore them, has been partly from reading the quote from one of the Beatles. I think where it goes something like “ time spent doing something you enjoy, is not time wasted.”

       Reflecting on how much of my life in the past couple recent years especially I have wasted frozen and fear or being frozen in that fear, wishing to be productive but instead being stuck… I wasn't doing things I enjoyed, either. 

      No matter how much I wanted to do other things, it's a productive things in the front of my mind truly desired, it has been a bad situation. There are certain things that are simply too hard to be reasonably expected to continue functioning through.

       I was very upset, wasting my time that way. 

       That wasn't even time spent enjoying what I'm doing. 

       So I thought, you know what? What if I spent this time doing some things I enjoy? 

       My circumstances have changed dramatically in the past few months. My situation is safer. The greater level of freedom I have is unrecognizable compared to before. (In a good way). 

     It was like everything else. Something I felt like I never feel satisfied enough towards myself with. I am never enough, I cannot even relax properly, I might tell myself. 

     No matter how much merit to this or not, it doesn't change that instead of sitting there, Stressing, ruminating, thinking about things that in that particular moment are not being helpful for me to be thinking about at all or in that way or time or whatever, is not helping me. 

      So I turned to try to do things I enjoyed, sometimes. Giving myself a little more permission. 

       While they're listening to books or something else, and other things were add, too, the irony and silver lining of joy that was found in the darkness, is something I am very grateful for.

Windows through windows, a cup of coffee in hand

Often, a “window” is something like feeling a collective sigh, joined sign, or empathizing to recognize someone else’s sigh basically. Largely the feeling of a certain type of strength being able to hold out no longer, or very likely now to be decided to be changed after a certain length of time with a certain level of tension in that person, or a situation.

Some the weight and pain or difficulty of change becomes less than that of staying the same.

Sometimes the window can be sensing or rather imagining through a mental empathetic eye readiness, too. These things tend to go hand in hand.

~~

I had told my mom the other day that I got a window. I got near collision of two, at least. Probably more, but let's say multiple. Multiple sighs, one after another that overlap so quickly the second came before I could even try to formulate the verbal expression of the first.

It made it in fact harder to understand either of them alone let alone together. Like hearing two announcements at the same time, muffling or obscuring eachother.

This picture I know is clear though: this week something is about to happen… and I think it has happened, where there was a virtually atmospheric sigh. And the giving out of a strength to hold what tension was there on countless small picture levels.

The feeling of change that can be put off no longer. The kind where staying the same no matter how safe, whether from the seasons, the news, the music, the colour palettes of fashion the technologies the algorithms the point in time where the average person is likely to realize undeniably they missed something before, the realization of what we are doing or what it costs, the exhaustion from holding up everything else.

Simply the sigh of the next chapter begins, but so many of us sighing leaning through so many windows at once.

 Kenobi's "hello there" is the equivalent of my "hi folks", isn't it

30

Random but I've always admired women in their thirties a lot/quite specifically and I'm excited to be one but also disappointed in myself, if that makes any sense?

(Disappointed because of not feeling like I measure up in often the artistry, confidence, and boldness of these women as much as I had hoped. I wasn't planning on being this broken or at best hurt and somehow traumatized again even worse than the first time.)

🎶 DEAR JOHN - Sam Buckingham

The Perfect Stranger Pact - Tag :)

Just revisiting this tag tonight:

https://lunar-winds.blogspot.com/search/label/perfect%20stranger%20pact?m=0

"Wednesday, 11 November 2020

Let's make plans to someday pass on the street and exchange a smile. 

It'll be our small celebration for making it.

Sincerely,

A stranger on the internet"

~~

Today I met a kind stranger, named Er[-]s. And interacted with a kind sort of/once stranger, the girl/ young woman who works at the pharmacy who is about my age.

They are kind strangers I am very appreciative for.

“God is love” - 1 John 4:8

~~

“Love in deed and truth” - 1 John 3:18

Existential journal thoughts as I wander through the grocery store today - it's the yellow grocery store, again

 I'm not going to tell her what to do, I told (another person). 

And it's not out of fear of telling her something that ends up leading to an outcome that is my fault for advising them over. 

It's out of recognition of what is not in my knowledge to be speaking on. Nor my place in that way at a major decision making moment quite like this one. 

In another time, yes. 

But this is her life and it only has to be her own. But she's the only one lives it. 

~~

I don't know if I could say I am the main character in my own story. Maybe I could and I'm just not self-aware enough for it. 

But I don't feel like my happiness or satisfaction or contentment in life comes from being the main character of my own story. 

If someone were to ask me plainly without baggage of implication for a suggested response like, “ main character of one's own story”, I would say I am happy and proud of being part of something bigger than myself. 

In this whole universe, the motion that occurs and beauty that transpires, Wars that are fought and one, and lost, what is one and what is mourned, with sacrifice and gain. 

In the cosmic scandal things I am not nothing; I am part of a beautiful something. God's universe; his creation. A who's great is unfathomable to me, I get to be part of this and whatever way I do. 

I want to use it well, this life of my. I appreciate the good things I get to enjoy. 

And even if I or to die tomorrow, or tonight it hasn't been for nothing.

That is something beautiful. That is why I'm happy just by sadness. 

And I can be happy and sad at the same time. In fact, I always am And in this reality I wouldn't have it any other way. 

It's a complex thing, compared to an idea of only one thing happening at a time. 

So nothing is ever really like that to that extent. 

I'm part of a cause ,, a cosmic art project, and a universal community. Even should I disappear, 

No longer experience the fox I do or anything (though I don't like the sound of that), how beautiful of a thing that is? 

Being not one with as in the same person as, being but being part of the collective of conscious, sentient beings; influencing one another. I includes others, too, and I want that one to be a good one as much as I can.

We all part of each other for better or worse. And it needs dynamics we find forgiveness, love, friction, what we may call fate even when deliberation, and flow.

I've had my share of unhappiness. Disproportionately, some would argue. Those you know do say it.

But life is a beautiful thing; and, it is worth living. 

I am a depressed optimist by philosophy and emotional state (simply because I am in fact sane, in my mind; it is a mental illness that is more injury than from within who could be so heartless as to see the things I have seen and feel overwhelming and be happy all the time?) theist by worldview, writer along with some other things by creative art; and something like a leaf that produces energy in the world, along with my flowers too. 

What a garden, what a forest, what a place and a biome that this Galaxy is. 

I would not let it go on purpose. Even though I am sad, often.

If only people could understand how happy it made me, no matter how the rest of things are seeing what I see: 

Main character or not, it matters not to me which way to look at this. 

But being Part of something bigger than myself, in the ways I perceive with my eyes of physical senses and of faith and mind and emotion; It is something everyone deserves to feel, In my opinion, by default.

The world would be a better place. Probably if we did two a higher degree; if we did more than it feels this world may allow at a time. 

But that doesn't make someone hopeless. 

If your eyes are closed or your heart is tired, that doesn't mean you will feel nothing at all forever. 

It doesn't mean you will only feel bad things forever. 

And I need people to know that. That hope is not a silly feeling way. It's sometimes to say use or sounds. 

But I silly it is to remember the stars on a night where we can't see them, obstructed by clouds, or something else, that this is what Faith means. 

You have looked up in seen them so many times.

Don't doubt at all, because of the moment.

And I don't say the word moment flippantly as to diminish or wave away whatever one feels right now. For there is no past nor future in the physical off and feels; there is movement and and time in the way we call it. But it is all movement in our universe. 

This beautiful, beautiful universe, you deserve to be aware of and feel by default, and embrace being a part of it the way you made. The way you were made too simple to put good things in this cosmic evolving creative project, That is the experience of our lives. 

And by “our”, by I really do mean every single one of us near and far. For who we are, who we were and existed as when we did, and will be when we do in what is called “later”.

Things will change. But our cousin purpose remains the same and its absence though always different, beautifully different in the moments it is painted. 

I am one to say we are more the same than we are different. But not in a flattening way, But one of gross, Beauty, meaning, love, feeling, and purpose and experience that is worth being had with heart, heart and appreciation. And I believe it is our place to do so. 

~~

^Grocery store thoughts, vacuuming thoughts, bus spots, shower thoughts, whatever one may call them.

:)

~~

I once said to a friend, no not once, many times have said to friends, that death is the drawing because it doesn't make sense according to our reality as we have experienced it. This can be interpreted in more than one way but one particular way I do. We need to talk about it. Is that if something in the physical world just disappeared and I don't mean to change, but truly disappeared. Ceased from existence in a moment, we will be freaking out. 

It could be a mountain, it could be a can of Coke. It could be energy, but hearing that it was not simply transferred or changed or went somewhere else, but simply cease to exist. 

That doesn't add up with everything we know.

Of course we would be freaking out. 

I cannot make claims on a state I've can yet to be in from first-hand experience, but these dots and as well as what is said in many faiths regarding it, makes sense to me. 

Of course, if we'd be scared of amount and disappearing, we would lose our minds when it's something even more important. Life. What could be more important than this? Energy and energy can either be created or destroyed. 

And I can respect that. 

But I cannot say I "think" life is energy. 

I think energy is something used in or by life; experienced in consciousness. We experience interacting with matter and energy. 

I don't know if I would say or come to arrive from my experience that consciousness falls simply within the concept of matter and energy. 

Spirit, maybe. I would be inclined to say so or that feels or sounds consistent with something my body understands. 

But soul? 

That is different. That is different, to me, in the way that I mean. 

No matter how we may continue on this, we might agree together readily that in itself conscious soul is a precious thing. 

Of course grief is real; of course love is.

It makes sense, though I wouldn't dare reduce it to such. 

More importantly, it matters. And that is enough me to feel for others and oneself. And the law developed for what we must, for what we do hold dear; in specialty (or speciality? Tbh I don't know which word is correct here), *who* we hold hear. 

~~

Life is beautiful. Cherish it, fight in it, fight for it. Be the one, the lady you want to be and were made for. 

~~

Flowers in the store, and I love that they have potted ones in the rack for gifting flowers by main intention, it seems.

#flowers #love #nature

"He... will complete your training"

An artist named Jael posted to Instagram today

[07-07, 1:11 a.m.] Melody: Led me to study Jael tonight

[07-07, 1:18 a.m.] Melody: Also read to the part about that battle's connection to Armageddon, in the link at the end

[07-07, 1:21 a.m.] Melody: Reminded me of this, for you and Kenny:

[07-07, 1:21 a.m.] Melody: https://www.jw.org/finder?srcid=jwlshare&wtlocale=E&prefer=lang&docid=1102016838

[07-07, 1:23 a.m.] Melody: The worst day of one's life does come

[07-07, 1:25 a.m.] Melody: 1 Peter 5:10 points this out: 

"But after you have suffered a little while, the God of all undeserved kindness... will *himself* finish your training. He will make you firm, he will make you strong, he will firmly ground you."

[07-07, 1:25 a.m.] Melody: In the part with the "..." It includes saying, "...who called you to his everlasting glory in union with Christ"

[07-07, 1:26 a.m.] Melody: It is easy for us to say and remember the words that Jehovah is with us. But this scripture can remind us of some points on that

[07-07, 1:29 a.m.] Melody: 1) It tells us not only that he will be there for you in your trials but one way how:

"He himself will *finish your training.*"

He will train you. And as a result, you will grow, and with Jehovah's training he will make you more capable than before, and more strong than before.

This is distinct from his miracles. He does answer our prayers and he does make what must happen, happen. But you will not be as lost as you might have ever been before once his hand in the matter has done it's work. 

He affects not only your situation, but who you are. Your strength, qualities, and discernment, and other skills.

[07-07, 1:35 a.m.] Melody: 2) "He *himself* will finish your training."

He does not even delegate this to Jesus.

Jehovah himself does this.

We could have a variety of emotional reactions to this thought. But no matter how we feel about it, it is the choice of the God of all *undeserved kindness* who has decided it is his will to train you himself, not matter what you feel about yourself in a given moment.

[07-07, 1:37 a.m.] Melody: 3) "He himself will *finish* your training."

This does imply that he does not step in and take over to force you to do everything right every step of the way.

But even so, the training you need will be completed, not only covered partially or somehow left ambiguous. Jehovah himself will make sure of it.

[07-07, 1:46 a.m.] Melody: And that is an English word, so to help strengthen a sense of what Jehovah Promises to do:

• καταρτίσει (katartizó) - "adjust down" - to complete thoroughly, i.e. repair or adjust

{literally or figuratively}; fit, frame, mend, restore.

• στηρίξει (stērixei) - "fix firmly", perfect, establish, strengthen - also used in 2 Thess 3:3

• σθενώσει (sthenoó) - "to strenghen", from sthenos, meaning "bodily vigor" ; 

"4599 sthenóō(from sthenos, "strength") – properly, make strong so as to be mobile – i.e. able to move in a way that achieves something in the most effective way." -HELPS Word-studies

Sources:

• Kingdom Interlinear Translation

• https://biblehub.com/greek/2675.htm

• https://biblehub.com/greek/ste_rixei_4741.htm

• https://biblehub.com/greek/4599.htm

[07-07, 1:53 a.m.] Melody: Brings to mind from there, 2 Corinthians 4:8-10

"We are hard-pressed in every way, but not cramped beyond movement; we are perplexed, but not absolutely with no way out; 9 we are persecuted, but not abandoned; we are knocked down, but not destroyed. 10 Always we endure in our body the death-dealing treatment that Jesus suffered, that the life of Jesus may also be made manifest in our body"

[07-07, 1:54 a.m.] Melody: There is reason for optimism, no mat

ter how hard things maybe get in times of our lives

I stopped listening to so much Irish folk music.

What happened?

I just forgot it existed.

Well, it's here in my life again.

🎶 Hazel Eyes - Sabrina Jordan

That capoeira style that starts with m, is basically whole wheat hip hop. I love it.

This is so much more the style that reaches for my heart. 

https://youtu.be/PggA2tvfPsk?si=XzK8Ov4pEDQ6cEyf

https://youtu.be/53aM7GQs0Ug?si=gTQYOBW0DeYbf6gw