Maybe I am grateful for the terrible things that happened, that made me a fighter.

Because maybe I would feel worse right now if I didn't already know that about myself.

It's a different kind of bad, a different kind of pain to ask how could this happen to me after I was that, versus how could this happen but there is no physical warrior history from before to remember.

I can't say I like or enjoy thinking of it this way. I don't want to imagine a world where all the chance that should never have happened to begin with are to credit for what I am able to do now. (Even if partly, unknowing exactly how much is unnerving but there is no point in wasting my mind on guessing).

I just know that it is.

Perhaps this is over-idebtifing with my suffering? I don't know, it's hard to say. And if the answer is indeed yesz which part of this is the suffering I am over-idebtifuing with? Which parts of myself have I decided I don't deserve to feel happy with it proud of because it only came from things not only I didn't ask for, but should never have happened in the first place?

All of it, arguably.

None of us would have been born without some really, really horrible things that universally should never have happened.

So perhaps the point from here is not to try to divide ourselves in separate parts between this is not me and this other part doesn't count; we are all part of the larger whole of nature, of creation, anyway. We all come from the same place, and in this world we all go to the same place; we all can only hope for the same future, we all may only know the same One Ultimate Creator.

None of this is to our credit, anyway. (Undeserved kindness; only God is good.)

So perhaps it is not what sets us apart but how we join and move together that defines us each uniquely. Our unique movements throughout the universe, recurring in cycles but a soul so unique, and uniquely valuable, and truly, uniquely loved and lovable in our own rights.