~~
🎶 Watch the Stars - Whitney Hansen fear. wholesoul quartet
https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=5frSJo5n0b4&si=FjT1dhPR67M-IsJN
I remember showing E this song, I think somewhere in [place].
He listened to it, and held my hand.
Sometimes I think of that moment, and think that this might have been the moment of all time where he really emphasized with me the most. (Maybe loved me the most, too. In the way of what love really means).
I talked to you in my mind lots of times even before that became something that sounds too much like forever even though I know the hope, even though I know Jehovah giving me an answered prayer, which I talked to you mom about, too. About how your name is in His book of life. Isn't that amazing, Eternal? You are in His book of life. Really. You made it.
I wish I could say I felt like I knew or even felt I should bother think I might be there to tell you about it laterm.I wish I could be there for you, but I’m afraid, really, really afraid I won't and I'm not usually afraid of this. We never did any of this to live forever. But I don't want you to have to hear that you’ll really be without me forever. That thought makes me so sad. I don't want to do that to you, but I'm afraid I am going to fail.
I remember showing my mom the song, too.
Even though I had told her, warned her. She wasn't prepared; nothing could have prepared her.
(It's like the song was written by me, for her, this year.
All her. All me.) [Here, I spoke not as if to Eternal, but to my mom.]
All the worst parts of this life, too.
When the lyrics hit “I wonder what you'd make of me and all the ugly anger in my eyes” and it just kept going.
I've never seen my mom cry like that, either.
(And I don't want to say goodbye to the one year of forever where this song as it talks about your sister being nearly 23, is true. The year I have found it, even, with the gift of it.) #goodgift
We miss you so, so much, my dear.friemd.
I was in Vancouver, finally. For the worst reasons possible, not literally the worst possible, but you'd know what I mean.
I have had this feeling sometimes with others, too, or very similar ones of wow insane familiarity and similarity. It has always warmed my heart, made my heart burn, to be reminded of it with her, too. This time the lead up time or something about its unfolding that lent such a level of surprise made it really sharp this time.
I miss you so, so much. All the time.
I never cha gets my WhatsApp PFP from a digital paintimg I made of us at Crystal Beach, only making it night
You had asked us for the photos from that day before and I wish so much we had gotten them to you. You know I couldn't, they were on my dad's device and something happened I guess and I didn't have them either.
I wish even harder though, in a way, that I thought to make this painting for you before you died. You would have really liked it. Maybe a copy of it will survive into the new world, maybe not.
Whether it does matters so much less though than everything else. That we should go to the beach together. That you have to be there, that you will. That I have to try to be there with you. (I don't know if I can. I want to so badly.)
I want to to good. We wanted to be good.
I wish I told you again about OCD. What if it had changed everything.
I posted this song with a photo of the stars, in Vancouver, I was saying.
I was thinking about you.
This is never news, to anyone who knows me. Especially myself. (No, especially Jehovah, of course).
When people liked it I thought of them liking something for you too, this time, in a way.
Because if they love the stars they should love you too
And the moon. The “INFP” moon so often typed on PDB, as you know. We talked about the moon, and it's likening to you and INFPs most. INFJs too, to an extent.
You knew I was an INFJ.
(We were I to MBTI... Before 16p and other things made it different and kind of weird. So, so into it, together. Niche, in our own little world, observing the world and focusing on positivity as much as we can and at least how we can draw something positive, for working towards optimistic outcomes).
I remember that day so clearly, sitting on the cement porch.
When my parents changed the shingles I almost lost my mind, because the colour over us when we talked was red. And when we got rid of the old teal sienna, because between those purple tinted windows was where we had that fateful moment,.conversation on the way to Crystal Beach where you asked me *if* hypothetically I could choose where to be assigned in the new world, where would it be?
I knew many people don't know a lot about this or ask why, but my answer clear as day was “Mongolia”
Your joyful shriek of “me too!!!!” was the nicest thing I've heard in my life. And I remember your face what you said it, and my voice rising to the happy shriek, too, and even my mom in the car too and I think the girls (though I was so focused on your and this amazing thing, we are Mongolia sisters, twins in every way virtually as we would come to know). The feeling, the sounds, the sun through the purple tinted windows on the way to the beach and the happiest sounds in the world.
~~
...
We did service. Shared research. Talked about Jehovah and who he is, how we found him, how we would stay.
He stays with you, Amara. So close, you are living to him as it is, just sleeping.
I know when I'm close to him I am close to you, too, in another by by means of our mutual best friend.
Us, and MC, and my friend N2 who turns out it's our quadruplet. We have to, have to, *have to* meet together.
My friend Emma offers for me to talk about you with her.
...I hope one day I get to tell you not even bothering about that part. Just about my kind friend Emma who I talked to about you. Who also talks to me about tide pools; you and I did. Warm and watery and vibrant. Surfing; the surf.
We should all go to the beach.
We will. In my heart and mind, we already do. Like in that painting I made. In the inverse version, where it is night, your hand and mine sits in a random light patch of sand in the middle with full daytime sun in it.
Because we already have one foot in the new world. You really do.
I will work as hard as I can, Amara. I can promise you that much, that I will try, with heart, like those characters like Rapunzel and Judy Hopps we talked about several times.
I wish I could remember everything everything
It's never enough and it still never really would be even if I did.
Because “Eternity was written in their hearts”.
You are Eternal.
Your Chinese name i gave you is YongXia
Eternal, rosy cloud.
Because you loved rose gold, and are a dreamer, with your head in the clouds and seeing beauty everywhere you go.
Little did you know, you carried it.
~~
And other people, too. That you'd want to meet, that we would consider and honestly, analyze, together. (But from a positive place, always. Of love; appreciative).
I have so many things to tell you.
~~
2GG:
“Eternal,” past.
“Eternal”... Future. 🩶🤍🩷🌥️
"The things I have the privilege to hold of her with me as my life goes on."
~~
My friend, the stars tonight are beautiful even though I can't see them.
I know they are.
That is what faith is, as we talked about, isn't it? (The question is rhetorical. I know, don't worry. I will always know.)
They remind me of you, too. Stars, sunsets, and the moon. And lots more, honestly. (And always).
✨🌌
Those emojis, especially the fuller picture one how many times did I send one to you with a "Goodnight 🌌 Ttyl ^_^"?
~~
And MON ROVIA, the artist!
You would love him.
We’ll have to listen to his music together in the new world. Maybe go to a concert together. When I went with some friends, he stayed to have everyone meet him, and chatted. And very unpretentious from the start, hung out in the crowd listening to the opener, Edwin Raphael (oooh you'd love his lyrics and poetry too!).
Wow yeah. You are such a Mon Rovia folk music girl.
(And Edwin Raphael.)
<3
🎶 Crooked the Road - Mon Rovia
https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=yqX7NtzThgg&si=HcXDmjhP7Ux2re5N
"VitaB12" really likes them, too. I might see her soon.
Stuff has been hard, but I'm really grateful for her and sisters like her. And I know you would be, will be, too all the more you hear about them more.
No comments:
Post a Comment