the most vulnerable journal excerpt here

~~

🎶 Watch the Stars - Whitney Hansen fear. wholesoul quartet

https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=5frSJo5n0b4&si=FjT1dhPR67M-IsJN

I remember showing E this song, I think somewhere in [place]. 

He listened to it, and held my hand.

Sometimes I think of that moment, and think that this might have been the moment of all time where he really emphasized with me the most. (Maybe loved me the most, too. In the way of what love really means).

I talked to you in my mind lots of times even before that became something that sounds too much like forever even though I know the hope, even though I know Jehovah giving me an answered prayer, which I talked to you mom about, too. About how your name is in His book of life. Isn't that amazing, Eternal? You are in His book of life. Really. You made it. 

I wish I could say I felt like I knew or even felt I should bother think I might be there to tell you about it laterm.I wish I could be there for you, but I’m afraid, really, really afraid I won't and I'm not usually afraid of this. We never did any of this to live forever. But I don't want you to have to hear that you’ll really be without me forever. That thought makes me so sad. I don't want to do that to you, but I'm afraid I am going to fail. 

I remember showing my mom the song, too.

Even though I had told her, warned her. She wasn't prepared; nothing could have prepared her. 

(It's like the song was written by me, for her, this year.

All her. All me.) [Here, I spoke not as if to Eternal, but to my mom.]

All the worst parts of this life, too.

When the lyrics hit “I wonder what you'd make of me and all the ugly anger in my eyes” and it just kept going.

I've never seen my mom cry like that, either.

(And I don't want to say goodbye to the one year of forever where this song as it talks about your sister being nearly 23, is true. The year I have found it, even, with the gift of it.) #goodgift

We miss you so, so much, my dear.friemd.

I was in Vancouver, finally. For the worst reasons possible, not literally the worst possible, but you'd know what I mean.

I have had this feeling sometimes with others, too, or very similar ones of wow insane familiarity and similarity. It has always warmed my heart, made my heart burn, to be reminded of it with her, too. This time the lead up time or something about its unfolding that lent such a level of surprise made it really sharp this time. 

I miss you so, so much. All the time.

I never cha gets my WhatsApp PFP from a digital paintimg I made of us at Crystal Beach, only making it night 

You had asked us for the photos from that day before and I wish so much we had gotten them to you. You know I couldn't, they were on my dad's device and something happened I guess and I didn't have them either.

I wish even harder though, in a way, that I thought to make this painting for you before you died. You would have really liked it. Maybe a copy of it will survive into the new world, maybe not.

Whether it does matters so much less though than everything else. That we should go to the beach together. That you have to be there, that you will. That I have to try to be there with you. (I don't know if I can. I want to so badly.)

I want to to good. We wanted to be good.

I wish I told you again about OCD. What if it had changed everything.

I posted this song with a photo of the stars, in Vancouver, I was saying.

I was thinking about you. 

This is never news, to anyone who knows me. Especially myself. (No, especially Jehovah, of course).

When people liked it I thought of them liking something for you too, this time, in a way.

Because if they love the stars they should love you too 

And the moon. The “INFP” moon so often typed on PDB, as you know. We talked about the moon, and it's likening to you and INFPs most. INFJs too, to an extent.

You knew I was an INFJ.

(We were I to MBTI... Before 16p and other things made it different and kind of weird. So, so into it, together. Niche, in our own little world, observing the world and focusing on positivity as much as we can and at least how we can draw something positive, for working towards optimistic outcomes).

I remember that day so clearly, sitting on the cement porch.

When my parents changed the shingles I almost lost my mind, because the colour over us when we talked was red. And when we got rid of the old teal sienna, because between those purple tinted windows was where we had that fateful moment,.conversation on the way to Crystal Beach where you asked me *if* hypothetically I could choose where to be assigned in the new world, where would it be?

I knew many people don't know a lot about this or ask why, but my answer clear as day was “Mongolia”

Your joyful shriek of “me too!!!!” was the nicest thing I've heard in my life. And I remember your face what you said it, and my voice rising to the happy shriek, too, and even my mom in the car too and I think the girls (though I was so focused on your and this amazing thing, we are Mongolia sisters, twins in every way virtually as we would come to know). The feeling, the sounds, the sun through the purple tinted windows on the way to the beach and the happiest sounds in the world.

~~

...

We did service. Shared research. Talked about Jehovah and who he is, how we found him, how we would stay.

He stays with you, Amara. So close, you are living to him as it is, just sleeping.

I know when I'm close to him I am close to you, too, in another by by means of our mutual best friend.

Us, and MC, and my friend N2 who turns out it's our quadruplet. We have to, have to, *have to* meet together.

My friend Emma offers for me to talk about you with her.

...I hope one day I get to tell you not even bothering about that part. Just about my kind friend Emma who I talked to about you. Who also talks to me about tide pools; you and I did. Warm and watery and vibrant. Surfing; the surf.

We should all go to the beach.

We will. In my heart and mind, we already do. Like in that painting I made. In the inverse version, where it is night, your hand and mine sits in a random light patch of sand in the middle with full daytime sun in it.

Because we already have one foot in the new world. You really do.

I will work as hard as I can, Amara. I can promise you that much, that I will try, with heart, like those characters like Rapunzel and Judy Hopps we talked about several times.

I wish I could remember everything everything

It's never enough and it still never really would be even if I did. 

Because “Eternity was written in their hearts”.

You are Eternal. 

Your Chinese name i gave you is YongXia

Eternal, rosy cloud.

Because you loved rose gold, and are a dreamer, with your head in the clouds and seeing beauty everywhere you go.

Little did you know, you carried it.

~~

And other people, too. That you'd want to meet, that we would consider and honestly, analyze, together. (But from a positive place, always. Of love; appreciative).

I have so many things to tell you.

~~

2GG:

“Eternal,” past.

“Eternal”... Future. 🩶🤍🩷🌥️

"The things I have the privilege to hold of her with me as my life goes on."

~~

My friend, the stars tonight are beautiful even though I can't see them.

I know they are.

That is what faith is, as we talked about, isn't it? (The question is rhetorical. I know, don't worry. I will always know.)

They remind me of you, too. Stars, sunsets, and the moon. And lots more, honestly. (And always).

✨🌌

Those emojis, especially the fuller picture one how many times did I send one to you with a "Goodnight 🌌 Ttyl ^_^"?

~~

And MON ROVIA, the artist!

You would love him.

We’ll have to listen to his music together in the new world. Maybe go to a concert together. When I went with some friends, he stayed to have everyone meet him, and chatted. And very unpretentious from the start, hung out in the crowd listening to the opener, Edwin Raphael (oooh you'd love his lyrics and poetry too!).

Wow yeah. You are such a Mon Rovia folk music girl.

(And Edwin Raphael.)

<3

🎶 Crooked the Road - Mon Rovia

https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=yqX7NtzThgg&si=HcXDmjhP7Ux2re5N

"VitaB12" really likes them, too. I might see her soon. 

Stuff has been hard, but I'm really grateful for her and sisters like her. And I know you would be, will be, too all the more you hear about them more.

"Authenticity" was one of your favorite words

"Authenticity" was one of your favorite words. 

It was nice talking about many things, like our favourite words.

Thank you, my friend. I wish I could show you all this now, but will wait patiently for you. You are worth all of it. 

🩶

"NF- impersonators", ESFPs, Idealists, feat. My Dear InFin.

(My Dear Friend), I remember when you and I noticed that we both kept mistyping ENFPs as some NF. (It was a recurring pen, including with guys both you and I liked). Those were such good days, having those talks with you have been some of the best moments of my life.

     We coined the term "NF- impersonator" to refer to them because of how authentically they just throw themselves into being on the wavelength of the person they're talking with, combined with their incredible laser accurate emotional reading skills. Reading emotions though not necessarily why accurately, and the vibe of a room. (Finishing each others' sentences as we discuss this).

      I miss you so much, and I I can't wait to tell you about the one (I think) in my life right now 😅😂

A negotiation letter

      I've been finding myself negotiating with you again. 

      While deliberating on purchasing a backpack that I think we would both like, my mind naturally goes to gifting one to you.

      "If I get you one, will you stop being dead?" I ask. It even comes in two colours, our old colour palettes from coffee shop days, blue and muted pink. Any colour works. Point is, how about I do this and you stay?

~~

[Added later]

I close this post, open my app, and see this:

Hope does not lead to disappointment.—Rom. 5:5

Sitting together

And now even in death

I sit beside you.
The window between sleeping and waking divides us,
But as you are with God
I am with you.

 (While you have one foot in life,
 And I one in the grave,)

Even if we can't speak for a little while,
That is ok.

We can sit together in silence, (two introverts,)

To the sound of the waves.

Can't paint my way out

Can I call you back with music?
Can I paint you back to life?
I'd learn piano, sail the world solo,
To see that you are fine.

I can't call you back with music.
Can't paint you back to life.
This time there's nothing I can do, except
Waiting for His light;
For the thief in the night.

History, Greenhouses, and Tea

I remember you for the way you looked at people, the way you looked a the water and the clouds, the way you saw the world.for the kidnbess and empathy you showed to people without discrimination, for the cute indignation you got when you started to feel impatient.
For the conversations going back and forth trying to build up, even when we had no idea ourselves.
(History, greenhouses, and tea,
All the ways we were trapped together,
And all the ways we were free.)
For your explanation of the Ottoman Empire, for your faith in the Kingdom of God,
For the moments we sat in silence,
And all the dreams we sat in together.
For gushing about Mongolia and Myers-Briggs,
For the coy smile you had when you spoke Japanese.
For goofy faces and our favourite places,
Until we meet again, this is how
I keep you in my heart my dearest partner and
friend,
Between you and me and God,
With love,
Mel

Published 2022-08-01

Eternity - beach painting

- Eccl. 3:11 -

He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has been out eternity in their hearts.

Paint You Back to Life

I see photoshopped landscapes you would love to wake up in,

And artists scratch tiny details with countless lines and layers in your favourite colours.

Could I paint you back to life? 

Could there ever be a canvas wide enough,

Does the world have enough pigment?

If I spent my whole life building a collection and perfecting the art, could I take on the responsibility to draw you out of blank pages?

Could I make you immortal, could I keep you with me if I just try hard enough?

Poem - Photo With the Candle

Photo With the Candle (published 2022-08-01)

This was the her I knew most.

In sync for better or worse, we found ourselves falling into the same ditches at the same time,

Unable to pull the other out,

So instead we sat there keeping eachother company,

Wandering around mazes of the same mental traps we set for ourselves,

Getting lost together.

(I know I say the same things over and over but)

I always wished I could have brought out her best side, instead of only her most raw.

And I wished she could do the same for me.

And this is why I don’t know if in the end I regret being there more or being there less.

Everything can become a regret when you end up with the bad outcome.

Amara, when you wake up you will have your old name, and also a new name.

永霞。

Eternal rosy clouds, the kind you see at sunset and also sunrise

For your name means Eternal,

and the first thing everyone said was “you are a dreamer, aren’t you?” Because we could see your head up in the clouds

I always think of sunset, but it’s sunrise, too.

And you always liked rose gold, and we talked about rose gold rings.

Because you live with your head in the clouds and have a heart of rose gold.

And for your namesake and all of your future, Eternal.

I’m going to spend my life now telling people about this girl who was an old soul, lived with her head in the clouds, and had a heart of rose gold.

I could never keep up with her, she was always one step ahead of me and this ended up being both her strength and her fatal flaw,

Because she couldn’t bring herself to give someone else the burdens she never deserved to have to carry in the first place.

But her name means Eternal.

So every day I watch the sunset and I always will,

And spend the rest of my life picking out the rosy clouds waiting for sunrise.

Sad hydrology (early hours rambling, Meet You at the Outlet)

Hydrology. Aside from stats, hydrology is one of my favourite applications of math. (How you wrapped your head around economics still puzzles me. Oh yeah, I told you this already. It's nice that we have come full circle with numbers together.)

We talked about the water cycle in the meeting today, and it reminded me of our conversation about the river. I'm glad we got to talk about it.

My sweet friend, I wish you could have stayed with me longer. But I know you will be there at the outlet. 

You beat me to it.

I remain a river searching for the sea. I cry my eyes out and cry out all the tears, threatening to leave the river dry. 

But as I have faith that a river is fed by rain, I have faith that I can be sustained enough to meet you at the outlet.

Meet you at the sea.

"To the End of the Road" February 17 Letter Excerpts

....

Being in sync. Is this not what characterized our friendship? Being in sync for better or worse; including falling into the same pits at the same time, neither of us able to pull the other out though we try, because we can't even find our own way out of these mental traps. So we just sit there, keeping eachother company.

When you reappeared in my life though, it we were in sync in the worst possible ways. The timing could not have been worse.

I just couldn’t run for you anymore the way I used to. No matter how much I wanted to. I really did.

So I committed to walk with you, no matter how long or how short that road may be, no matter where the road may go.

But then, the day came when I couldn't even stand on own two feet; so I crawled, trying to stay by your side.

But it wasn’t enough, and you slipped away from me.

I’m so sorry I couldn’t be the friend you needed to lean on. I’m sorry I wasn’t strong enough.

~~

(later edits, when more words could flow)

Thank you for being my friend. A better friend than I could ever ask for, and a better friend than I know you ever imagined yourself to be. Always genuine, with unending kindness and ever-curious.

I love you.

Next time I’ll do better. I know you said you don’t know if God will deem you worthy of a second chance but I know He will. So when that happens please give me a second chance.

I miss you, and until then I always will.

Re-published 2022-04-11 15:53

My Dear Friend: I'm not ok with the way things ended and I never will be, but I'm glad we grew up together.