Excerpt - "One big thing..."

 One big thing: 

     The way I've come to revisit some good things in life or explore them, has been partly from reading the quote from one of the Beatles. I think where it goes something like “ time spent doing something you enjoy, is not time wasted.”

       Reflecting on how much of my life in the past couple recent years especially I have wasted frozen and fear or being frozen in that fear, wishing to be productive but instead being stuck… I wasn't doing things I enjoyed, either. 

      No matter how much I wanted to do other things, it's a productive things in the front of my mind truly desired, it has been a bad situation. There are certain things that are simply too hard to be reasonably expected to continue functioning through.

       I was very upset, wasting my time that way. 

       That wasn't even time spent enjoying what I'm doing. 

       So I thought, you know what? What if I spent this time doing some things I enjoy? 

       My circumstances have changed dramatically in the past few months. My situation is safer. The greater level of freedom I have is unrecognizable compared to before. (In a good way). 

     It was like everything else. Something I felt like I never feel satisfied enough towards myself with. I am never enough, I cannot even relax properly, I might tell myself. 

     No matter how much merit to this or not, it doesn't change that instead of sitting there, Stressing, ruminating, thinking about things that in that particular moment are not being helpful for me to be thinking about at all or in that way or time or whatever, is not helping me. 

      So I turned to try to do things I enjoyed, sometimes. Giving myself a little more permission. 

       While they're listening to books or something else, and other things were add, too, the irony and silver lining of joy that was found in the darkness, is something I am very grateful for.