Did it feel kind of like this?

Written ~ December 24, 2018, buried in October 1, 2016 for poetic justice.

Too many people have had the misfortune of this kind of experience. Of feeling this way. If this applies to you, please you can get past this, and things will get better.

Dedicated to my partners in crime. You guys are the best.
~~
Does it kind of feel like this?

Being left to try to replace your favourite memories,
And to try to stop waiting for promises that will never be delivered,

Part because in the end they didn't pick you,
And part because they tricked you.

And try to tell yourself that there was nothing you could have done differently that would have changed anything...
Or was there?
And to stop thinking about it all over and over and over and again.
Try to stop wondering.

Just because you could have, doesn't mean you should have.
You've been told "you dodged a bullet"
but then why does this not feel like a real relief?
Or sometimes it does, but other times it doesn't?

You want to see the good but you don't want to miss it.
Something just because some parts are good, that doesn't make it all right.

Did it feel kind of like that?

Please believe that sometimes it takes more than good for something to be right,
And that it's gonna be alright.

Someday you'll say "it did feel like that, but not so much anymore."

(Roadtrip project with my little sister)

#idea: a tag Yourself with fake "illnesses" and stupid sounding names. Stella came up with one funny symptom (by accident from just saying something) while making ramen noodles but I can't remember what it was....

- is dying of every disease on the Internet

- 

- cute sneeze

- forgets to bring a pencil

- 

Meowteract

- wears glasses

- shows cute cat memes to friends

- get cat scratch

- ouch stopit

- cat person

- fuzzy

Brok3n hert(z)

- Likes the old Taylor Swift

- crushes way too easily

- 

- OCD about folding tissues

- triggered

Creatine blocknozitis

- starving artist

- can't find a job

- thinking about childhood

- draws and writes things in margins of paper

- loses the paper then depresso

Forgeteritnitis

- STILL TALKS TO IMAIGNARY FRENS I REMEMBER THAT'S THE SYMPTOM

- hates forgetting 

- forgot where you put the special thing

Fitneesity

- exercise/fitness nut

- wears bright colours

- wants SO to lift

- yum cliff bars

- carried by gym rats

Dogeus

- best friend is doge

- gets very attached

- sniffts 

- stay positive

- cries in public

Visual sign of a free spirit:

Hippyish clothing

Hipster style

Punk style

Original style

Opinion on age gap relationships? 

No wide gaps

Only if the guy is older

Age is just a number

Other

In my dream last night I saw you sitting there

We talked about our history as we shared a chair.

We saw how much we had changed

And loved the ways we were the same.

Watercolour

      I believe that different creative pursuits support eachother. That's why I do realism; I do realism because it improves the quality of my creative drawings and paintings, and I paint because it makes me a better creative writer.

     Watercolour has helped adjust my attitude towards life. When you paint with watercolours you never know exactly what you're going to get. You can put in the water but you can't control exactly how the paint will settle. You can make adjustments, but in the process you will change other tiny details. There are things you can't take back; at best some things you can dab until they fade but every mistake will be there, but part of the wateroclourist's job is making that part of a piece that is beautiful.

     There is beauty in the unpredictable nuances, in the varying intensity and blends of colours. Watercolour is a very natural type of art, but the piece still is what you make of it.

He wants fans, I want friends.

From whether we're awake or asleep We have trouble remembering dreams, Just another daily crime When we rob ourselves of what we had before.

There is more to being honest than just saying things that are true.

There is more to being honest than just saying things that are true. 

Published 2021-04-09

Things I Loved and Hated About Today -I Mean Yesterday

I hate _____ (I don't remember what it was I remembered today that I hate)

Nestle? No. It was something pretty arbitrary.

Sausages? Not food.

It will come to me someday.

Maybe it had to do with coffee. No, that's kinda food related.

I love storms. I hate _____. Nope, didn't work.

Well forgetting things is one.

I think it's something my boss likes or does because I thought he would give an annoying response.

See-through shirts. That wasn't it, but I hate those too. I don't imagine my boss is a fan of those either.

Text messages. No that wasn't it either.

Hm. 

It was something not everyone would hate. Not the awful light in the kitchen, either, it was more general than that and I think we can all agree it's nickname Lucifer is suitable.

Dum de da da. Something about clothes, maybe. Let's see, I hate being late (not it) so I left for the bus early, I hate creepers staring at me on the bus but that's kind of obvious. What else did I hate today?

I hate positive tests for diseases, but that's not arbitrary.

I really hate forgetting things.

I hate doctor's appointments. You know I think that actually might be it because I was feeling a little dark today and compared to the reason that is quite petty. Especially specialist appointments.

I love storms. I hate doctor's appointments and text messages, and love fleece blankets.

That didn't feel quite as impactful or dramatic as I originally thought, but I think that's actually it. 

I hate short stories but I love long ones with lots of symbolism that never really have an ending. I love dogs and spending time alone and spending time with people.

I hate forgetting things, and I hate feeling like I have to write everything down and remember everything.

I hate secrets, and I love secrets.

I like meeting people with a mysterious look in their eyes and I hate letting them go.

I love adventures, and calling everything an adventure.

I'm okay with goodbyes, it's the goodbyes that never happen that bother me most.

I love saying "no" to unreasonable requests and hate saying "no" to requests even when they're unreasonable.

I hate feeling like I need to logically over-explain things.

I love it when you're not making complete sense but the person you're talking to gets it anyway.

I hate it when people say they like Adolf Hitler. I hate that there is pus in milk.

That person is like pus in milk.

I hate it when dangerous oil pipes are approved and when people or wild animals are killed when they didn't do anything wrong.

I hate when people don't have what they need, and love doing something about it.

I like productive work days.

I love big opportunities to make someone else's life better, and I love small ones.

I hate parting ways from nice people you happen to meet, but love writing their names down in a little book.

I love it when people come back.

I love making things, especially when you can share it with someone you made it specially for.

I hate realizing you didn't really matter to someone that mattered to you.

I love reading saved text messages that remind me that I'm not worthless

I hate thinking about myself too much.

I hate lists, but I love mind maps and poems.

I hate over-thinking, but I love thinking.

I love being happy and sad at the same time.

I hate over-doing things.

It was a long day.

I love storms. I hate doctor's' appointments and text messages, and love adventures and fleece blankets.

Twenty One Pilots' "Heathens" Song Interpretation

Okay so the clique is going crazy over Heathens; it sounds completely awesome (not surprisingly), and as intended there are a truckload of possible interpretations. I'm kind of feeling usually shy about posting this, but here goes.

At the time in history when "heathen" was a more commonly used word, it was expected that everyone belonged to a mainstream religion so I think in the song, "heathen" describes the narrator's associates who are unpredictable or in some way different from what someone would expect.

All my friends are heathens. Take it slow

Wait for them to ask you who you know

Please don't make any sudden moves

You don't know the half of the abuse

This is kind of far out of left field, but my interpretation is that this is about covert abuse, especially psychological. Targets (or victims) of abuse tend to walk on eggshells around their abusers in fear that something or someone who doesn't know any better might "set them off" or make the abuser explode.  Also, spending time with the abuser tends to also make those around them sustain damage in some ways (hence plural, heathens). 

Welcome to the room of people

Who have rooms of people that they loved one day

Docked away

Often abusers harm people closest to them, loved ones like family or close friends. The jail setting and scene in the music video with Tyler looking through the bars paints a picture of what it's like to feel locked in with an abuser.

Just because we check the guns at the door

Doesn't mean our brains will change from hand grenades

Although there may not be any visible outward signs, the mental aspect of abuse that is still there. Often targets of abuse are sustain a level of damage themselves, and while it doesn't make them inherently volatile, their exposure to manipulation may make them potentially dangerous to themselves or others, too.

You'll never know the psychopath sitting next to you

You'll never know the murderer sitting next to you

You'll think, "How'd I get here, sitting next to you?"

But after all I've said

Please don't forget

Often people put on a show to hide the abuse, and the first few lines of this verse go to show that you don't know what the stranger next to you is really like, or what hard battles people are fighting.

We don't deal with outsiders very well

They say newcomers have a certain smell

You have trust issues, not to mention

They say they can smell your intentions

Many abusers are mentally ill and have trust issues or even paranoia. Some claim to be exceptional in reading peoples' motives and while the truth may be an entirely different story, sometimes use that to justify restricting their target's friendships with others, locking them out from potential freedom with an "us vs. them" mentality.

You'll never know the freakshow sitting next to you

You'll have some weird people sitting next to you

You'll think, "How did I get here, sitting next to you?"

But after all I've said

Please don't forget

(watch it, watch it)

When an outside person spends time with a family where there is covert abuse, instinctively they may sense that something is wrong and be scared away. However, it can be extremely difficult and even painful for a target to open up about the situation, so when they do they hope the listener doesn't dismiss or just forget about it.

Why'd you come, you knew you should have stayed

(it's blasphemy)

I tried to warn you just to stay away

And now they're outside ready to bust

It looks like you might be one of us

Back then associating with a heathen was not socially acceptable, like betrayal. This song has an abrupt, twisted sound, usually Twenty One Pilots songs tend highlight that despite it all "life has a hopeful undertone" ( - Migraine). Sometimes targets will try to shield others like children or siblings from the wrath of their abuser, but sometimes the friends who stick around anyway do because know how it feels to live that way.

This was just my interpretation and maybe completely different from what the song is actually supposed to mean, but in some ways correlates with the story of Harley Quinn and the Joker. Enjoy the music and stay alive friens l-/

In the Movies

I want to live like the movies where you have a friend you can call when you're crying in the middle of the night, or when something really bad happens someone shows up just to watch a movie with you or something. In the movies things get really bad but you survive because you're a team.

Real life sucks.

Stranger

Live without regrets because it all brought you here,

Each teacher challenger I once feared,

Only regretting ones that will never see,

But I live on knowing they'd be so proud of me.

Dear former foes and perfect strangers,

Dear old friends that time turned stranger,

To all the anxious kids who lie awake

Dunno who you are but forgive your mistake

To that person who didn't treat me right,

Of the guy who picked a fight,

I know there is so much more to you

Than the shell that I once knew.

So to all with a past that crinkles your brow,

Please set yourself free for it doesn't matter now,

You don't have to even live in the here, just do not resent,

Please allow yourself to be happy for this present.

When we're in crowd and you're shoulder rubs mine,

But you don't know me we're all undefined

Every person that you meet,

Each perfect stranger could be me

So forgive me and I'll forgive you

If only the whole wide world knew

That everyone has their regrets

If only we saw eachother's progress.

I met this person who's an echo of you,

Who doesn't see me as the person you knew,

I always hoped you mind's eye could see

That someday you would be proud of me.

Sinking

Lungs feel like they'll explode when we come up for air

Vision was a little blurry but I'd swear there's something there.

Maybe it was all a fake, an epic plastic ruse

But this is still a masterpiece and I've got nothing to lose.

The mother load if confusion, leviathan of bane 

Epitome of rock bottom echo off the mountain range.

Speaking my mind not because life is short

Words are waiting now, I'll leave them at your door.

We dove pretty deep and maybe we're still just gasping for air

Please say if I'm wrong but I would swear there was something there

Maybe I'm trying to skip a stone that's destined for the sea,

We could freedive and find nothing, but at least we still are free.

Little Miss

Miscarried, words misleading me,

Miss Daring how dare you believe (in me)?

The little girl I never met

Pretend memories I won't forget

The lost child inside,

Washed away by all the tears once cried.

The one that sailed to the moon

Phased far through it all too soon,

Miss won't you come out and play?

Cause it is a beautiful day today.

When they said if she jumped they swore she would die

She wandered the stars and in her dreams she would fly,

Severed the sea and away her soul flew,

Took her smile with her and mine for safekeeping too.

Miscarried, words misleading me,

Miss Daring how dare you believe in me?

The little girl I never met,

Pretend memories I won't forget

The lost child inside,

Washed away by invisible tears once cried.

The one that sailed to the moon

Phased far through it all too soon,

Miss won't you come out and play?

Cause it is a beautiful day today.

The imaginary friends made a circle one day

And said "we are the fine, the toll she must pay"

In all her loneliness we'll be the only friends,

Until the day the child comes back again.

So dear friends lets play pretend

Cause when I'm with you I feel like a child again

We can go the moon, let's not come back too soon,

This beautiful day is all because of you.

Oh right here it's all anew,

Nothing like the world I knew

The child inside starts just a little shy,

But believe she won't let this pass her by.

Miscarried, words misleading me,

Miss Daring how dare you believe in me?

Miscarried, words misleading me,

(Child inside starts just a little shy)

Miss Daring how dare you believe?

(Believe I won't let this pass me by)

Miss Daring please believe

The little girl I never met,

Pretend memories I won't forget

The lost child inside,

Washed away by invisible tears once cried.

The one that sailed to the moon

Phased far through it all too soon,

Miss won't you come out and play?

Cause it is a beautiful day today.

Summer

I want to hold on but it's so hard to show

When "learn to let go" is all I've ever known. 

Filled with regret for our silent year,

But know I've thought of you each day, my dear.

Wonder when you are laughing, when admire the skies,

The moments you feel alone and the tears that you hide.

Miss our whispered talks and the moments we "just knew",

All of our dreams and things we planned to do.

Our tree has had its summer and all good things must end,

But to this very day I still miss you dear friend.

Precious People

     Last night I was remembering friends who have ever texted me just to see how I'm doing. They are not the type of people who seek out the adulation of others but goshdarnit they really set the bar high for being a loyal friend.

     Even with plain friendships sometimes people are so afraid of rejection and not being loved back the same way that they don't express how important people are to them until it's too late.

     While my no is still no, I hold all the guys I've rejected dates with in higher regard than the ones I've ever been interested in. At least the ones I rejected were man enough to be straightforward. (And evidently I need to reevaluate what I find attractive in a person because people like that are rare gems.)

Walk in Like a Windstorm

I walk in like a windstorm,

Where hot and cold meet,

Start off with a whisper before I

Sweep you off your feet.

Listen like a-whistling step

In a sunny spring forlorn,

Then speak like a hurricane

In a moving storm.

Let it all spill out

To take away the pain,

Then when I go away again

I'll carry away your rain.

- The Girl in the Wind, M. Tadeo
(See "Characters" tag)

Black Lace

Behind the black lace, still hide my face

From all the pain that comes from every last disgrace

I'm in mourning every morning for the man in the moon

The Stars and the night and all my friends who left too soon

Am I the only one who runs from the sun

Because the light will show incomplete marks that I have done

These are my kind, we are bright souls

In a dark world that takes something bold

Because I go through phases never loving my own face

Hide in it black lace to cover up my sound disgrace.

Capillaries of stone, carved from mountains I'd rather roam,

In a New York crowds of people that is where I feel most alone.

My mind of on the edge of the mountain

If I jumped would I fly?

Realist said no I'll die, Skeptics bet I'd never try.

Realists and artists, peacemakers with scarred fists

Running bloody lines to be refined

Just a number forget the names list.

So believe me if you please when I say I'm leaving this other dream

Because reality I cannot see all I believe.

Believe in a better world where I am not than just a girl

But e person I want to see in the mirror,

Honest person I would believe,

Somewhere where I am somebody.

Through the webs around and 8-part arachnid sounds,

Think in sevens and feel in eight for knitted worried brows.

Spin another frame on my face to face the face of all my pain,

Black lace parasol because I don't care to keep out the rain.

If I Jumped

"If I jumped would I fly?"

Realists said "no you'll die".

Friends would not accept goodbye.

Skeptics bet I'd never try.

Mental health awareness week has passed but depression is as real as ever for thousands of people. If someone tells you they will commit suicide, please do not dismiss it as an empty threat. Your words and actions could save a life!

My sunrises are growing shorter,

Hands cold but that's okay,

I've accomplished enough and prefer the dusk,

And never wanted to grow old anyway.

Old trees will sing and wind ever blow,

Rain and sun nurture forests I'll never know.

Generations to come from all the spiders saved,

Slimed creepy crawlies and a caterpillar from being paved.

Felt a full spectrum and expressed in forms of art,

With impure edges, pulled back together even after falling apart.

Walked a lonely trail steps in the dark but still chose my fate,

Insight to lead others through and their path illuminate.

First response to wildfire and let an ocean of tears be the rain,

Things that burn gave me fire; much can be learned from pain.

Ran up a mountain trail where the wind blows,

Following in the wind's path because forward's all it knows.

Felt grass between my toes and life under feet,

Waltzed with the wind and waves, danced to the earth's heartbeat.

Spoken in lonely hours the master artist of life,

Who engineered my loving family, every husband, child, wife.

Dear friends please do not cry,

No matter what comes with the sun,

Remember each sparrow and its song,

He does not forget even one.

Living like the moon through phases,

There's no need to fear the night,

For God promises another sunrise,

So friends keep up the fight!

Seem Yourself

I don't feel myself

Out of reach somewhere on the highest shelf

Please save yourself

Put away in a box on the highest shelf

Just another day I watch the sunrise

From another night I couldn't close my eyes

Take a picture in my mind

Save it for a rainy day when I go blind

Can't you see

There's nothing to be

But yourself darling,

Won't you trust yourself darling?

Eyes sometimes play tricks you see

Leaving days when you don't know what to believe,

Put on a poker face to

Say it's okay but it's all part of the game.

I don't feel myself

Out of reach somewhere on the highest shelf

Please save yourself

Put away in a box on the highest shelf

You don't seem your self,

Trust me darling please believe,

These are days like these

Stretched on by sleepless nights no one sees

You don't seem quite right,

Somewhere in the world we'll all be up tonight,

But just hang in tight,

You'll find your way in the dark or the coming light.

Love and Let Die

When I was a girl I had a piece of earth,

Which every year died, And then brought rebirth.

There was a little flower that I watched grow

From the ground low, towards a sky it'll never know.

I painted it's petals into shapes in my brain,

Each day took in its colour for it would never be the same.

Each day grow, each day change,

Grow from the sun but also the rain.

Always underestimated for its delicate form,

So young and soft, but it weathered each storm.

It grew so slowly but each day was new,

From one night through she decided to bloom.

Pretended to forget that it would never last,

And one day those colours would be in the past.

There was nothing I could do to make her stay 

So I watched my dear flower wither away.

She said "We may grow again so please do not cry,

For now all we can do is learn to love and let die."

Gen Y-Point-Five

We're the unsteady beach goers,

And go-with-the-no flow-ers,

Reap what you know sowers,

Get high and hit low blowers,

Between the generations,

See every new sensation,

Grow from this ground but

Still we claim no relation

We're blocked by anxiety

Try to find our creativity,

We say we reach for the sky

When we really want to die,

I'm running out of patience

Waiting for the tide

To turn to the time

When we learn that we lied

When we said "I'm alright",

Inside we're all putting up a fight,

A bloody civil war

Where we don't want to pick a side

I swear they'll keep trying to put me in a box

Till our dying day knocks

Trying to keep the institution

From stumping the mind's evolution,

We're all shouting "revolution"

But we can't find any solution

Stopped saying we're against The Man

Because we give each one a name,

Give this one the throne then pass the blame

When really they're all the same,

We're all trying in between

Stuck in the twilight zone,

Between these generations

You really start to feel alone.

But I'm not the only one

Who can't get any rest,

Feeling insecure

And put myself to the test,

Feeling I should be better but

Dear Stranger

I know you're

Doing your best.