Glass Balcony

Somewhere along the lines of looking out the window with longing and being so morose from long days that started with loud mornings, I had forgotten how much I had always wanted to sit on the balcony.

      I can see the wind rustle the trees, or the trees rustled by the wind more like it, but I cannot feel it.

      Ah. There it is.

      Somewhere upwind someone is wearing perfume that smells like candy, and to my right an elderly man is showing presumably his family's home videos with his granddaughter. She looks about 4, while her little sister is flipped against his chest sleeping soundly as he pats her on the back.

      Two more adult family members perhaps join.

      They speak an East Asian language I cannot identify but they say "happy birthday" in the video in English.

      The little girl bounces and giggles with delight and her grandfather smiles and speaks warmly to her with his strong voice.

      This is what people mean when they say children give you meaning.

      They just left, but before leading with the two younger adults the girl turns to the old man and says, "Are you coming?"

      He says yes and she jumps with joy again.

      A male sparrow lands on the glass beside me. Cute.

      He poops. Maybe he is rebellious. He is also bringing out the droppings left by his comrades (like a gang symbol).

      The air feels the same temperature as my skin As if it is nothing. Without the wind the cold or the heat it is, as if there is no air.

      The wind visits the peaceful balcony.

Priorities are like in photography when some parts are clear and others are fuzzy. When done this way, it actually mimics the way our eyes focus.

With all the things that have to make up life's picture, I want to be careful to keep more important things in focus and not become preoccupied with the fuzzy stuff.

"Make sure of the more important things" - Philippians 1:10

Don't devalue. Acknowledge that it really wasn't enough, but don't feel like you need a zero sum to move on. In fact, you can take what you miss and find it in yourself. But you can only consciously do that if you admit that there are things you miss.

It doesn't invalidate your feelings on what happened, but it gives you permission to move forward instead of trying to rewrite the story.

Thank You Plan-ily

It has been so wonderful working for Plan International Canada these past couple years. The cause, the people in the malls, the people I worked with, the learning about the world and about myself and about outside myself. Fundraising hasn't always been easy but there have so many takeaways, memories, lessons, skills, training and experiences, friends. I got to pick my first sponsored child and developed two of the best friendships I have ever had at the booth, and learned so much and got to go to work every day feeling good because no matter how everything else panned out it's a good cause and it's helping somebody; just like in the Starfish Story.

It helped me learn how to explain and express again verbally and non-verbally, as I am well-known for miming. (Maybe I'll update this post with some of the many notes of lines scribbled down and picked up and created to use.)

I remember the more bitter than sweet feelings of leaving World Action Awareness Club ("WAAC") in high school, the club and the people who introduced me to Plan International and the Because I Am A Girl project. I had no idea how much it would affect my life even later and how I feel about life and how to use my life and develop my skills in a better way even on a secular level.

But as they put it, "once a WAACtivist, always a WAACtivist."

Thank you so much to the people who patiently trained and gave me the chance to be a part of this. This is a good time to be moving on, but not empty-hearted. Perhaps someday I will fundraise again or maybe I won't, but either way it has been awesome Plan, keep up the great work and I'll see you in the malls.

--
Note: Actually written and posted September 5th, but I moved it to another day because it makes me sad to see it to be honest, but do want to put it out there. Also, I have attempted to squeeze it in between posts so that it is documented where it really belongs in the long-term stream of thoughts. At this point it had really settled in that it just wasn't realistic for me to work there anymore with the zone changes that that I was actually leaving. At this point also was actually my last shift fundraising, but before the last campaign which was a nice awareness-only one different from usual fundraising which kind of weaned me off from there.

Heart: *sob* Let's keep going, it deserves so much.
Brain: Stop writing it's making you sad!
Gut: Ok let's stop writing and stop being sad. Keep perspective.
Brain: Remember the commute which only got worse in the new zone?
Heart: Oh yeah. 
Brain: Down tot he very end. remember that last 4-hour commute home?
Heart: Yeah that really was a reminder of what not to miss. Ok it was nice see you laterr
^ reference post: Go with Your Gut, Continued archived September 9, 2017

Many millenials are rejecting traditional status symbols like diamonds that prove wealth, but still pursuing symbols of moral superiority instead of actually helping, in effect diluting the real cause and invalidating sincere efforts.

Both cases are showoffs to say "look how much better I am than you" 

Don't do either.

We are also often characterized my anxiety and insecurity about appearances, perhaps because of being bombarded by media. However, it holds individuals back the same way traditional status symbols may have in the past.

It's often coming from the right place, wanting to be good. Don't just try to look morally upright, be morally upright.

Old Songs

Some songs are too sad to hear

Because they remind me of how happy we used to be

Or of all the things I did when I wasn't me

For better or worse I can't sever that verse

From a day that hurts to much to think about

"How happy we were"

What a sad thing to say

Details slip through my fingers as the time ran away

I could live in those hours but can't fake that I age

Hate to move on but darling it's time to turn the page

"How happy we were"

What a sad thing to say

Details slip through my fingers but the colours won't fade

Wish I could give you a picture with just a thousand words

As I watch words run away

Don't remember why you said that

But it made everyone laugh

Walk along the punchline

Retracing our steps

Somewhere along the line we passed the time

Did we let it pass us by?

"How happy we were"

What a sad thing to say

Details slip through my fingers but the colours won't fade

Wish I could give you a picture with just a thousand words

As I watch words run away

I miss our old songs but they make me so sad

Reminders of all the better and worse days we once had

I guess that's the thing with a perfect song

It stays it your head long after it's gone

Gone gone gone

Is it really gone?

How could I have been so wrong how in the world did we go on?

But for better or worse I can still hear those songs

I want to love and be loved the way a person in the desert would cup water with their hands.

Music is a language that goes straight to the heart

Tradition vs. obedience.

Hm.

She walked in like she knew she had the highest cheekbones in the building.

Haters don't like that I rhyme, but I really don't give a dime.