When I Became Sad for the Rest of my Life

(Video above: what was I made for - Billie Eilish official lyric video)

Something happened in my life, something terrible. One of my best friends killed herself. 

And since then, I've never been not sad again. 

It has been closed to three years now but my life just stopped there. Personally, professionally, my life is unrecognizable.

Something important in life I think is the ability to be happy and sad at the same time. I have felt happy moments, I have found happiness with my boyfriend. Our emotions mix and coexist with one another. But that sadness since my friend died, Every moment, every second, every breath, that immeasurable grief has never left for a second.

And I believe in God. I believe her memory is safe with him, but it doesn't change that I miss her with me while being all the time, and that this will follow me for the rest of my life.

In my language of gestures

Drawing portraits is 9ften a very sad affair for me, as that is how I say goodbye.

Not always, but often.

Perhaps this is part of why that experience of not recognizing the faces of people I knew was so shaking. Because it stopped me from saying my goodbyes.

When overwhelmed with emotions, it is a natural tendency to go with not what is easy to feel per se, but what is explainable.