Open letter to my first love 💌

Sometimes things are going bad but then I think, "at least I had a good first love." And that's something I'll always be grateful for.

Thank you for keeping my standards high. 

Even though we were not for eachother, you changed the rest of my life. 

In every heartbreak, thinking of you made me feel better, hold my head a little higher. Thinking of you have me high expectations for myself, and for how I should be treated.

Even though you were not physically present in most of my life, you were the example I needed. 

Thank you for helping me hold out until I found the one for me. Thank you for being my first love, so that I could find my last.

The saddest generation

 We may be the saddest generation yet in human history.

As in, in spite of having all we need to survive still not having what we need to be happy, and being so sad that one of the most commonly relatable things we joke about is actually wishing we were dead.

(You are, after all, on my mind enough, deep enough, for me to speak to you when you are not here.)

((You have become become an entity my mind speaks to into the darkness, the vastness, the otherwise emptiness. And an entity of love and presence that my mind chooses to speak to many a times instead of to the entities of pain and loss))

But not always.

Perhaps, I don't speak to you so much when you're not here because there isn't so much unsaid.

Because of the freeness to express myself to you, because of the respect you hold for me, I am not left brewing unspoken thoughts alone only.

I am not used to this. I am stuck on a mental state of being lonely even when I'm not alone, even though I have people in my life now who love me even when I speak my mind.

I love you all but I keep you at an arm's length 

(Because I am tired of getting hurt)

There is a type of loneliness that has been haunting me even around those I love the most

(And it terrifies me)

Like they are just not like me

(Those who are like me I cannot make stay)

((And it makes me worry that it means I don't love you as much as I think I do)) 

Or perhaps,

It is just because I am not letting you in.