Something I was finally able to say

"No, what you are seeing is not actually me being neurotic, nor a symptom of me having a mental illness. I am having a perfectly normal reaction to completely abnormal treatment." 

I joined the flowers

 

Did a little self-portrait session with the tripod.

I joined the flowers.

(The sun was a paid actor.)

🌺 

Direction

...Ooh. I also pointed my compass in front of the window tonight. (The silver one in Chinese I from Chinatown).

      So much sentimentality tonight, but this one particularly in a poetic conceptual way.

      Direction in life.

      I have used this and similar compasses on so many adventures; in nature, on the bus.

      And now, even at this junction. I dare say beautiful junction.

I think so many people end up with all this stuff in this society because we have no time to enjoy good experiences, so we hold on to stuff that we enjoy at least. We barely have any time to do fun things, or to socialize, and the time we do have and schedule to do these things is so tightly alloted (we have to get right back to work after, know we we have work in the morning, we must catch up on sleep debt) it's so hard for our minds to actually relax even we are trying to do those enjoyable things. So we keep stuff in our homes we enjoy looking at or at least hate where we are less.

My comfort colour

 Just taking a moment to appreciate the color gray and how I love it.

      Something about it feel so true, reminds me of good things ; answered prayers, memories, nature, and contentment.

Stream of Thought: Girl On Fire / One's Eyes / Light

I fear sometimes that even when or if I am on fire (in the good way) or actually am in better versions of myself in the present. I won't even notice or believe it.

There is something about light and one's eyes, to remember here.

~~

Old poetry piece: Carry a better world inside of you, and let it come out in your eyes.

Hm.

Snippet of lyrics from Northern Lights (an old song of mine):

"Do not hate the past that made you this way, 

Or forsake the last two steps you'd retrace,

For as fast as it came this day goes away,

So lay claim to take your own breath away..."

HMM.

~~

      There is a scripture: "The lamp of the body is the eye. If, then, your eye is focused, your whole body will be bright."

      This is the key.

“The lamp of the body is the eye. If, then, your eye is focused, your whole body will be bright. But if your eye is envious, your whole body will be dark. If the light that is in you is really darkness, how great that darkness is!" - Matthew 6:22,23

opinions and the internet

I'm pretty sure a lot of people on the internet either just echo the last thing they just heard but try to say it louder, or they do the complete opposite and intentionally say something super shocking. 

      It's starting to get really hard to tell when people are coming up with fake opinions just to have something to say, or if they actually think what they are saying is a good idea. (Or just having a brain fart or communicating poorly).

that light 🤍

 

Felix and I 🤍 He was running to me when I explained his name happily and he realized I was home.

Nobody replaces anybody, but here's a picture of me in a white pullover, smeyesing beside a buddy who looks into my eyes here, again. Luna's place in my heart is forever hers, but she made me so much of who I am and I'm grateful for this moment of seeing her human so clearly right now, without questioning a thing.

🐶🤍🐱

~~

I have often called Luna the light of my life. And in this photo I see her light in my eyes.

☀️

If only Felix knew his brightness.

I'd say I left my heart in Mongolia but have never actually been there befor

Not to make this my *whole* personality or anything, but I really do love Mongolia.

Honestly my biggest concern about this is what's my bio gonna be after I do go to Mongolia?

~~

I think I have my options:

"I'd say I left my heart in Mongolia but have never actually been there before" - me before 2026 :)

Or simply:

I'd say I left my heart in Mongolia, but now it also has my soul 🩵

(I'd say provided it will, but it actually kind of already has the next closest thing my soul now just needs to physically go to make it literal because the whole body-soul thing.)

It seems that sometimes people want to blame every problem in the world on themselves so badly, that they invent their own problems (or "problems") so they have something to blame and criticize themselves over.

      And by "problems", I mean imaginary problems or finding ways to criticize subjective things that do that are actually fine. Often they might criticize a decision they made, excessively emphasize an imperfection about it, or unnecessarily attribute something negative towards the decision, their motives, or their character at the time that they made a decision. And they might really, and naturally stretch in their minds for a reason for why they should regret , even if that decision was actually fine, and even made with a pretty good level of confidence at the time; like a bridge to criticizing who they are as the person behind it, to highlight their perceived deficiencies to put themsleves down.

      But actually, a lot of these times these people come up with every reason under the sun and amplify every imperfection to criticize what they did there, chances are matter what other good or currently presented as better option they picked, they still would have found a way to be unhappy with themsleves over it. 

      And this is sad, because even if you can point this out and get to them, you will likely find them caught between releif and guilt, because you are talking to a person who has somehow come to beleive that under no circumstances should they not feel bad about themselves. 

You are Organic Enough, Don't Beleive the Lie That You are Fake Without Their Stuff

I saw a slide of an instagram post that really articulated something I appreciate. It's by @hidden_libraryx (writer Matt Sheridan Desmond) that says: "For every authentic and organic group of people, there is a mimetic-aestheticized version of them (which is separate) that is hollow and superficial."

Part of my thoughts after:

...This does not mean everyone with a distinct aesthetic is fake. However, it begins to call out the marketing lie that people have to constantly be buying the latest version of a target community's aesthetic to validate our own respective identities and values.

Being drawn to a style is perfectly natural; being expressive (please don't stop expressing through art) is wonderful. Just know thought that if you like or love something, contrary to what media and some individuals you may meet may suggest, not buying products being advertised to you doesn't make you any less sincere, and the average enthusiast is no less legit than an Instagram content creator who gets to markets products or even their own art using that aesthetic that they also like.

Express yourself, do things that you like. But remember that the most powerful advertisements are often not billboards and TV commercials. And on social media the line between sharing and selling art, versus contriving insecurities in the most genuine of people is being blurred.

But there's another catch: it's not actually individuals sharing their images and stories that have truly sparked their joy who are doing the smudging. Rather, it is the intentional billion dollar system that is trying to exploit the heart and soul of these expressive people, and then conveniently let those same people fall as the scapegoats when people start feeling betrayed.

Rant over ☕ 

Goats and sheep

Your hair is like a flock of goats - song of Solomon 6:5, one of many sheep and goat references.

I just realized... *he is a shepherd*. This is what he thinks about all day. He probably loves what he does, hence all the sheep and goat compliments.

"honey pie"

One of my favourite things is hearing my dad call me "honey pie", just like from when I was little.

🍯 

Vegetable Soup

One of my favourite proverbs is, "Better is a dish of vegetables where there is love Than a fattened bull where there is hatred."

      Sometimes it has been from my grandma, my mom, and today is amoung times it has been from others, too. But there is something so special as a vegetarian having food made for you, maybe a vegetable soup, sweet with love and strong carrots.

      

Quotes I read recently

"You will never find the same person twice. Not even in the same person."

"A man cannot step in the same river twice. For it is not the same river, and it is not the same man."

My dad's comforting pep talk:

My dad's comforting pep talk:

This all happened [sometimes people panic] because we love eachother. That's really what it is. And he ran faster than me, I went to get the car.

Every minute though we determine what happens next. Every minute, every second, we decide how we are going to respond, feel , next... We can decide how to respond instead of just react.

This is something we all need to learn, we need to keep working on because we're never gonna get it right all the time.

But when you get it wrong, get back up. You still decide what's next. 

If you can look up, you can get up. 

I love you. (Messes up my hair. I say I love you too.)

Your mom loves, you, I love you.

Lotion feet

 Random tip/life hack: if your feet overheat at night, or tend to get deep itches, put lots of lotion on them.

Extremely skinny but incredibly strong arms, or extremely skinny but incredibly strong legs?

~~

Be able to write super fast even fastest in the world, or regular speed but write with your mind?

My solution to hating glasses as a teenager

 When I was younger and I really really hated wearing glasses (they would be either too low on my nose, too pushing against my eyelashes and then they would split an opposite directions weirdly and smudge my glasses, I didn't like the way they looked or felt), I came up with a method to get by in class even though I couldn't see the chalkboard clearly anymore. (This was in high school. It especially affected my chemistry class, because it was both difficult and I hated sitting in the front.)

      I realized that when I yawned, it would make my eyes teary. So, I would induce yawning to produce tears, and then I can adjust my eyes by squinting until it made a perfectly curved lense with the water that let me see clearly. (Ie. A natural, but extremely temporary, contact lenses).

       Unfortunately, because of this I was yawning all the time. Constantly. So eventually I had to concede and actually wear glasses, because I was actually tiring myself out and my constant need to yawn, and it was stressful to have to write so quickly before I forgot what was on the board when the water was gone.

Two answered prayers to start and then more: what not to take to heart, and then the list kept pouring out

Ecclesiastes 7:21: "Also, do not take to heart every word that people say; otherwise, you may hear your servant calling down evil on you."

About not to internalize everything people say.

~~

And also, this more regarding quality personal study:

"I remember you while upon my bed; I meditate on you during the watches of the night." - Psalm 63:6

(What we learn through this is something we should take to heart.)

~~

Earlier in the week:

"Your lips drip sweetness as the honeycomb, my bride; milk and honey are under your tongue. The fragrance of your garments is like the fragrance of Lebanon." - Song of Solomon 4:9

     Speak like "milk and honey"; gently and sweetly. Carry yourself in a way that makes the air or atmosphere of the room better.

      The moment I read this, I really, really needed that reminder.

~~

Shared by two women who love me a lot, when I needed it:

"He will make you firm, he will make you strong, he will firmly ground you." - 1 Peter 5:7

Answered prayer squared, between the two of them <3

~~

“No temptation has come upon you except what is common to men. But God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear, but along with the temptation he will also make the way out so that you may be able to endure it.”- 1 Corinthians 10:13

"My God sent his angel and shut the mouth of the lions, and they have not harmed me" - Daniel 6:22

These are some that came to mind as I tearfully reflected on an answered prayer at my darkest hour, that I will never forget and I will be eternally grateful for.

He sent love and care through my family, my friends, my dog, and even people who barely knew me, even when it felt there was no hope and no way out.

~~

The reassuring message my friend (one of the same from before re 1 Peter 5:7) sent me and my mom from her personal Bible reading: Based on Jeremiah 6:5,14,16 - Remember that there is nothing wrong with ‘ask’, ‘seek’, ‘hunt’ for help and assistance. We do not want to be like the people in Jeremiah’s day be naive seeking for peace where is no TRUE peace. The source is wrong itself but shift our focus onto something secure... You have done the right thing that you keep your eyes on the prize... knowing Jehovah’s heart is greater than yours and he is giving Jesus as our hope."

~~

meaning > material

I am not anti-medications, but a thought has been brewing inside me for a long time that I know many people already have.

      It's so weird that in such a materially prosperous land, where there is more than enough physical needs to go around for everyone to be alive, this economic achievement that is bragged about to get the stuff must be fueled by citizens who are working very hard, so hard, that most of them now need to work to keep the system going enough to generate an outflow of medications for us all to take because we actually hate being alive when it's like this so much.

 Proud of child me not successfully being gaslit by school telling me I only taste certain flavours on certain parts of my tongue. 

MBTI joke

100 intuitives vs trying to find something that is right in front of them

~~

I just came up with this, inspired by Nichelle completely relating to my habit of looking for things with my brain instead of with my eyes when I'm worried I won't be able to find something. And very often, the moment I find it is immediately after I have just asked my mom if she has seen it.

At that point it's often right in front of me, in the first place I looked, but I was too in my head to see it right in front of me. As if just thinking harder about it will help us find it 😂

News: used the meme "may I offer you an egg in this trying time?" in real life, correctly.

Appreciating the little things with friends

As per usual, I really enjoyed my little interactions with Em1 today. 

     She replied to one of my posts and we talked about how we both love soup, and laughed together over the baby Yoda gif of him drinking soup . :)

~~

"New sponge. Who dis?"

     I posted a picture of the new dishwashing sponge, and bet she will relate to this satisfying thing, too.

      I love having friendships like this with her where we can talk about the big things, but also appreciate the little things with.

~~

~~

     (She brought the inspiration for the Grogu/Baby Yoda soup GIF out, and it made me so happy I decided to post a second version of the same story post but with a baby Yoda GIF. It's amazing how inspiring people can be just being themselves.)

New Release/New Ori-ganic Edition: Origami Board Games Cafe Night!

Another origami cafe, though this time I feel like maybe an origami board games cafe spin with some other games too.

     Chilli, bread, sandwiches maybe.

     I'll use some of the old decorations maybe and indulge in some new ie new origami paper patterns to add to the old ones, and put up fairy lights for origami pieces to be pinned on like last time too.

     There was a time I would have shied away from this, because of sweet memories of a time turning painful, because of regrets of details, or something small holding me back. (Expectations, something feeling forced through, maybe?)

      But I love how completely ori-ganically (#funnies, #puns), this idea was formed again thinking of things I could host for my extended family at the new place.

      I thought for Board game cafe... Origami board games café!

      It came so naturally and perfectly like the first time, but as an evolved and currently-artsy-tinkered way, genuine and authentic to the always and the right now.

      And dress code ideas: cute x casual; artsy casual, pretentiously casual. 

Oatmeal Cookies Excitement and Recipe

Once I have an oven I feel is reliable again, I'm going to get back to baking cookies for people regularly.

(Oatmeal chocolate chip, or oatmeal raisin for me).

I used to do it all the time, every week almost, during the best and most positive time of my life, and it's something I'm excited to get back to.

Chewy Chocolate Chip Oatmeal Cookies

by Dr. Amy from Allrecipes.com

Amt.

 Measure

 Ingredient -- Preparation

1 

 cup

  butter, softened

1 

 cup, packed

  light brown sugar

1/2 

 cup

  white sugar

2 

 

  eggs

2 

 tsp.

  vanilla extract

1 1/4 

 cups

  all purpose flour

1/2 

 tsp.

  baking soda

1 

 tsp.

  salt

3 

 cups

  quick-cooking oats

1 

 cup

  walnuts, chopped

1 

 cup

  semisweet chocolate chips

Directions:

Preheat the oven to 325 degrees F (165 degrees C.)

In a large bowl, cream together the butter, brown sugar & white sugar until smooth.

Beat in the eggs, one at a time, then stir in the vanilla.

[In a separate bowl, ]Combine the flour, baking soda & salt; [then] stir into the creamed mixture [the first bowl] until just blended.

Mix in the quick oats, walnuts & chocolate chips.

Drop by heaping spoonfuls onto ungreased cookie sheets.

Bake for 12 minutes in the preheated oven.

Allow cookies to cool on baking sheet for 5 minutes before removing to a wire rack to cool completely.

http://822e.com/calendar/sophia/recipes.cfm?rp_id=42

Game idea

Who can say something the most redundantly. Like when essays aren't long enough, meme type game.

My Bible reading highlight that's I need right now:..

 Song of Solomon

4:11 Your lips, my bride, drip with comb honey. Honey and milk are under your tongue, And the fragrance of your garments is like the fragrance of Lebʹa·non.

To have loving relationships, I have to speak like milk and honey, no matter this context.

window flowers

 

For the song, we need to have endurance, I found myself going to the sheet music edition, playing the notes with my fingers as if on flute again.

What a beautiful day and feeling.

Digital Sketch of a Bouquet Designed for me

 Brown paper inspired by my friend E3's colour pallette :)

A beautiful sunset and thoughts of Infin

 

Seeing the notification with her mom's name... as my mom and I watched the sunset brought "Infin" to mind in that beautiful moment. I was also wearing the type of ring I started wearing since she passed, as a sentimental way to feel connected in some physical way. 

     And even more meaningful: the posthumous Chinese name I gave her is 永霞, Yongxia. It means Eternal rosy cloud as at sunset (because she loved rose gold, and is inclined to have her head in the clouds).

     Today the sunset brought me joy, just like her mom's message 🩷

(Image: panorama of a brilliant fiery, peachy, rosy, sunset with cirrus clouds over a field in a conservation area. And there were even cirrus clouds, like my old Instagram handle.)

~~

A few days ago I had a meltdown because soon I will be living in an apartment that she has never seen. It led me to explaining how with grief, even beginnings that are beautiful can come with feelings like this.

      And one of her favourite colours was dark blue. (She loved dark blue, teal, and rose gold). This makes me like the dark blue elements of the decor better, and adds sentimentality to the accents of peachy pink I have been adding.

      I had remarked as well about how he'd and I used to talk about decorating a home, and how she actually especially these kinds of colours at one point (the rich blue with brown and dabs of red), inspired by middle eastern design on the Silk Road.

      These things might not change physical reality, but there is something comforting about it, keeping her, what she loves, and hope, faith, and love in my thoughts.

[Image: a print of an abstract painting I got, with dark blue, rosy pink and peach and yellow and cream colours and a tiny dab of green, brown, and red.]

A few photo highlights from an evening walk a couple days ago, too

 

More snippets form convo with mom on an autumn walk

 I feel like Autumn is my favorite because it's the time of year where it's winding down. It's like permission to slow down and enjoy life. I like the other seasons too, but this kind of starting with excitement and then winding down to sit down and stop and smell the roses is very my thing.

~~

On our hike looking at the peachy fiery sky over the conservation area, talked about how it's almost like Jehovah's Glory is over there on the right, and it's like they're an angel singing on the left. I totally see it. 

Mom also realized when we were seeing the horses down the hill, that when she jumped up and down as she was skipping sideways, it got the attention of one of the horses. He stared, she stopped, and started again and he took a couple steps forward, continuing to lock eyes. It was so funny 😂

The sky was so amazing, And it was so nice seeing the horses from a distance, including Sierra, and including the Brown chestnut horse with the white blaze who is very curiously watching Mom jump up and down. We also had citrus tic tacs, And when we saw the bright red wild apples marveled at how camera makers are trying to imitate the human eye and the way we interpret sights. 🧡