Strong personal preference: I just don't like suits

I was thinking about how in The Rookie, Tim said "we accept Wesley because we fear Angela" 😂 

I like Wesley's character. But it is true in real life how reluctant I am towards people/professionals wearing a suit, particularly very basic, modern western corporate one.* And even if I don't make that a final judgment, I am immediately suspicious.

The first words that came to my mind when I thought of a suit: 

Hypocrisy 

Fraud 

Dishonesty 

Insurance 

Ah yes, the four horsemen of modern western suits. Hypocrisy, fraud, dishonesty, and insurance. 

*Footnote: Not that my aesthetic preferences are the center of the world, or anything. But in my personal taste I feel this way is especially when an extremely basic modern one by default. Tweed, period looks, almost burlaplike fabric and cotton floral pieces, tasteful patterns, different colors, traditional Nigerian prints, Asian stand collar suits, etc. are different.

Mr H and Ms LM... And Many More

Oh the topic of teachers, Mr. H (grade 12 Data Management), was one of my favourite teachers ever, along with Ms. M in middle school (grade 9). And not to forget, Mrs. E.B. (high school English), Mrs. K (high school science/bio). Also Mr. W (environment) and Mr. M and Mr. K for music. And Mrs. W in grade 4 who believed in me with her whole heart and I know genuinely loved and believed in me, and encouraged us all to be good to nature. And our amazing, amazing librarian in leopard print, who cultivated my love of environment, taught me leadership, and gave me opportunities in environment that formed so much of who I am. 

Including parts of me that at certain times were the only parts I couldn't come up with a reason to hate.

Mr. H was the clever, honest, and friendly-snarky teacher who tapped into my learning style the most out of all teachers ever. (XNTP, for sure). He taught everyone with examples, and recognized that I just needed more time to think about things and then I'd get things right after. 

There were days when the rest of the class was half way through and I was still on question one. But he didn't give away the answer to me. He had me keep trying for a period of time, even until the next day. And then if I still had t figured it out he would show me.

He always knew how much time I needed.

I ended up getting a 98% in the exam, and smiled widely as his "congratulations" on the last day. I hope he knows my success in this is very much also his success as a teacher.

(It would have been 100%, but I had misread a 3 for a 5 on the last question. I even noticed that was odd since that factor doesn't usually go above three. But because it was the last question. And just a tiny bit at the end I got anxious about being slow, I justified that since it was the last question I didn't need to re-check it. It was a super grrrr moment, but the fact that he never gave part marks was part of his system that I also really appreciated. I agree with his philosophy on it in this context to begin with, and because of it's effects here considered it one last lesson in his class to let myself do me and listen to myself when it's actually okay without letting anxiety rule.)

 I considered it one last lesson in that class to let myself do me and listen to myself when it's actually okay without letting anxiety rule.)

That year when I actually discovered that I love math when it's more statistics and such father than algebra, and when I can learn and think my way without pressure. 

Since then I have also come to enjoy riddles and logic puzzles again, and escape rooms. 

Learning to trust myself a little more sometimes when it's actually okay, instead of constnstly trying to do the same thing by accomplished using a method that works well for others but just doesn't fit me so well; letting myself do things my own way when it's okay without judgement, continued to change my life in so many areas.

It make me more confident, clear-minded, happy, and feel more fulfilled in so many areas. 

And, live without regrets, more confidently using my own methods when there doesn't seem to be any particular reason to expect any other would work just as well or better for me, other than sheer commonality among other people preferring it. (We all have different strengths and weaknesses; and being able to put into he works what each person uniquely has to offer makes us all better.) 

He also often used kumkwats in his questions. Last year I got a little bottle of kumkwats candies from the store to bring to him at the school. Unfortunately it was a very bad year and I never even got to visit the area, but maybe I'll go back to the store and try again before summer break starts.

I should also tell him I kept all my notes and still revisit them sometimes. It's in the light blue binder with the dark rubber. In fact, it's the one public school binder I have continued to keep handy all these years. 

Ms. L.M. is one of the most kind people I have ever met. She was so real and honest, and patient. She didn't judge people but was very open and conversational with us. She really loved, but also respected each one of us. From sweetly putting me in group projects with my crush (not that I told her, she could tell though), to taking us out to play kickball, and having such a positive and believing attitude in our strengths... I should tell her too, someday, that she is one of my favourite people still in spite of having been present during the worst part of my life. She was probably the best part of that time of my life, and even when it's too painful to think of many other things, I am always happy to think of her.

I trusted them a lot, and that trust was not misplaced. 

At that time, I would never have known how important that was.

I owe the same to Mrs. E.B., and Mr. Moss who I'm so happy I've been able to go visit and see every once in a while over the years. They are almost like an Aunt and Uncle to me. I seriously wanted to invite them to my wedding, as well as Professor J (previous post). That was until I remembered each time how I would not really want anyone at my wedding, or under 25-30 0390/3 for sure. Maybe 60 max for my version of "big". (And considering how huge a family I have, unfortunately that leaves no room for any teachers).

Mr. K and Mrs. K (differently Ks, unrelated to one a other) were enthusiastic, safe people.

Mrs. K is a high achiever never on her high horse, and while usually I felt it easier to ask questions to mean teachers (because I was not inclined to people please them or fear hurting their feelings), Mrs. K was an extremely kind and friend teacher this was different with. Completely honest and unpretentious, with the best loud voice I have ever heard. 

I heard the had a baby and ran more marathons. 

I haven't seen her as often, but am glad I have occasionally.

Mr. K, I really, really wish I could track down to thank again. Everyone thought he was so kooky. But he was such a genuine, unpretentious, kind-hearted and fun music teacher. I want to tell him, like I have for Mr. M, how my love of music has continued always, and how thankful I am for that. 

Also. This would be hard to say so I probably never would this way.  But sometimes I think back to all the extremely bad things that happened at that time. And this was before Mrs. M's time so I actively exclude her, and our librarian, from this.

After years and years of not even blaming the hurt boys who hurt me, and just blaming myself for it all, finally I learned none of that was normal. None of it was okay.

I just thought it was because of all the teachers who knew and did absolutely nothing, or worse. Rolling their eyes at my devastation. Telling me to toughen up.

I don't expect the world to protect me, but that was their job. They made me think it was my fault and this haunted me and tore me apart for most of my life thereafter. 

Only after a lot of healing could I finally decide on what I really regretted:

I think I just told the wrong teachers.

If I had told Mr. K instead, the teacher mean kids called "weird", I know this would have gone sl differently.

I had never even thought of it. But a part of me anyway, as even though I was so traumatized, I still braved going back to that school again to visit Mr. K. I was so excited when he agreed to supervise me helping teach flute clinics in his music classes. He was so encouraging. 

Hindsight is twenty-twenty. 

I hope these teacher all did know. Or someday in their hindsight will, how important their kindness, integrity and care have been. And I hope all that good comes to them too, in return.

"Hey folks, you have a brief moment for a good cause?"

When I was a fundraiser this was often my greeting to people walking by.

"Hey folks, you have a brief moment for a good cause?"

Such good times.

In college one of my college professors and I ended up talking about the work "folks", too. He had told me that it surprised him, but someone come complained feeling offended by that term when he used it. He simply didn't know it wasn't acceptable.

I told him that I use it too and haven't been told it's offensive, but yes had coworkers and a boss tell me it's strange to use.

We both sat there with mutual confusing and understanding.

Professor J is great. I should go visit him sometime.

Is there a difference between what a person think and what a person fears? I think I'm their nature there is.

But after someone betrays your trust so many times, that line gets blurry.

I needed to let it out somewhere. It doesn't hurt less, I just feel less stuffed up.

The change in the quality of the pain is less like stinging and more like bleeding.

Me: *is supposed to be tidying*

Also me: *Googles "do cats feel embarrassment?"*

I wasn't always like this I swear

"Geniusness is not a flavour, we claim it by our experience"

?????

(The tagline for a transport company)

"Stick to the plan!"

OH MY GOODNESS.

DAD JUST POINTED OUT THAT THE SHOW " RESCUE HEROES" THAT I WATCHED AS A KID IS WHERE " WHERE STICK TO THE PLAN" CAME FROM 😭 

He joked he needs to write to the producer about how that show ruined his life, and now the plan can never change.

I should probably write about the opposite. 

(To edit later)

It has helped me through extraordinarily difficult in trying circumstances. Because of being committed to sticking to the plan, unless there is new information or refined understanding (not just because I feel differently in that particular moment — though feelings could indicate something new but the something new was required )... It has helped me do what I need to do even when it's hard. This has carried me through, and also in a way that has allowed me to feel my feelings as they are without feeling threatened by them. 

Writing prompt: if you are a writer, write "I lied" without writing "I lied."

I put on a smile and locked the truth behind behind my teeth. In another universe, there is a version of our world where this was true.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DUQ42Q7idAD/?igsh=MTlic3g4bHZ6a2R4aQ==

My most unhinged microfeminism habit

When a man opens my car door when my arms are free and work perfectly fine, I walk around to the other side and open his door before walking back and then getting in the car.

~~

I've never been a fan of "chivalry". It always just felt like ways for men to compensate for not actually respecting women while making themsleves feel like a good person anyway.

(((~1.33)INFJ) + ENFP + INTJ)/3

 Another random note:

      Still Ni Dom for sure, but while for the longest time everything has been INFJ normally ENFP hypomania, I have been in a very INTJ time of my life for a good while now.

      I always knew I was very close to INTJ (it was something like 60/40 on F/T often) but it's interesting in kind of a nice way to feel so own skin as all three. (Three has always felt so multidimensional and able to be rounded differently, triangulating different points within a more spectral range).

~~

Image: December 2025 collage of my two results on the Adobe creative types quiz.

      I noticed this about myself before but it didn't feel comfortable right away.

      I faced it again when on the Adobe creativity test Raquel Olsson shared I got the Catalyst on my first take (though very divided on some answers) and the the Luminary when I answered the other way.

      ...In the past when presenting more T it was because I felt very forced to be. I worried I was becoming less myself because of life pressures again.

      As cheesy as it sounds though, this actually turned out to be growth. The discomforts with this I feared was foreshadowing losing myself were actually growing pains to be more.

Oh look, I just re-noticed the scar on the inside at the bottom of my right leg from when I jumped in the lake to save a duckling that was being attacked. A dry read scratch deep into my leg. 

     I didn't (and still don't) regret it at all. 

Me meowing very realistically (it stopped the tremors at some point apparently, too). It has been too long, I should do this more often. 

*I just remembered why I stopped. It's because neither Virtute nor Felix care 😅

The rejection 🥲

(I will do it again anyway).🐱

Oh the irony that I was actually looking forward to spring this year.

To be real, if autists outnumbered allistics, I think we would build the world not for them even worse than they don't build the world for us. Because we're also so rigid. Maybe we would be more accepting of differences as in not judging them personally for it, but no, the accommodations we would make for them would be less than the accommodations currently made for us. 

We are the minority and we already don't want to yield to allistics.

We keep saying we're not disabled, we're different, and it tends to lead to disability. But if the proportions were reversed we would definitely be calling them disabled. We would constantly be like "what is wrong with you, why can you not just say what you mean?"

We're already doing that now as the minority, imagine if we were the majority?? We would be tyrants.

Possibly we would be more genuinely kind to them one on one than allistics tend to be towards us at this time, but systemically we would limit their world even more than they currently limit ours.

(And don't we love our systems :)

We'd probably institutionalize them and put them in some sort of attempted conversion camp. And I'm not gonna lie I doubt we would give them less anxiety than they give us.

We would be like "I'm so sorry for making this feel difficult for you but objectively your way is wrong and does not make sense."

We would be really bad.

Imagine the rules???

"The truth is the right answer."

Whether speaking about what I demand from others, or for what I know I must do, these may be the words I have spoken the most.

~~

However, "the truth will set you free," is a much better thing I could have been saying.

 

~~

    I will keep them, care for them, and look at them and take more photos than I'll tell anyone I know. 

     More than one thing can be true at a time.

     And that can be what makes even very obvious decisions very difficult sometimes anyway.

      He gave me real flowers the day I knew I can never believe him again. Finally, in a pot, instead of cut and arranged and destined to die so soon.

      Ever the environmentalist, the nature girl, everyone knows this is my preference, though I said it out loud, too.

      He finally gave me the roots I always asked for in moist soil. With flowers my favourite colour, too. But only after there was no garden to plant them in anymore. 

~~

In all my sadness wrapped in anger, I kicked the flowerpot over. The flimsy plastic made it bounce a bit, but not without some skid.

    It was secretly calculated to not hurt them anyway, but I still feel bad. They didn't do anything.

    But that's the problem. They are just flowers.

    Even if they came with the roots I always wanted.

~~

I don't really bother scrolling anymore. Hardly, at least. I try to jump away from even my own feed as fast as possible either to reply to messages or to post my own photos of stuff.

       No more scrolling, please.

       No more scrolling. No more explaining.

       Let me be.

       JUST LET ME BE.

This is not bereavement but I feel like I'm going through the five stages of grief.

One of my recent easy hobbies has become necro posting comments on my old favorite memes.