Riverstones

The rocks in the river are part of its flow.

cheese and crackers (random slice of life)

Pro tip: when eating cheese and crackers -especially if there is pepper in the cheese- take tiny sips of water half way through each bite. It makes the flavour more intense, giving you more cheese taste per cheese.

SilkThreads Duolingo Archiving Project

silkthreads-library.blogspot.com

GROW AS WE GO | (Sonia Lee Cover)

"You don't ever have to leave, because if change is what you need you can change right next to me. When you're high I'll take the lows, you can ebb and I can flow, and we'll take it slow, and grow as we go."

Edited 2022-04-06: changed quote from "I don't think you have to leave" variation of the verse

My Dear Friend: I'm not ok with the way things ended and I never will be, but I'm glad we grew up together.

The Things They Don't Tell You

It was the greatest burden

But one I wanted;

Nothing in life is free,

And it was worth it for me.

Love songs become friend songs,

Meals become monuments.

These are the things they don’t tell you.

Sweet dreams hurt as much as nightmares.

Bittersweet, for more bitter mornings.

I scheme to take a bus to the past,

Or sail to the future.

“If I just keep going maybe it will become a time machine,

Maybe I can take a bus rout to the past, or find an ocean portal into the future.

Time keeps going, the ocean keeps going;

It won’t matter if you lose sight of land,

Just keep sailing

Until you get to the future.

Then here is a wrench in the plan,

Because I don’t know how to sail

But I must go alone.

What if I promise to only wear matching socks forever, then will it undo what has happened?

I'll buy all grey socks.

You promise to keep secrets if they just tell you,

You bargain to let everyone else suffer in ignorance if only you can get word that it is all pretend.

All I want to do is scream.

I want to scream loud enough so she can hear me from anywhere,

But I can’t scream,

And she’s not anywhere.

These are the things they don’t tell you.

“Ok the funeral is over, you can come out now.” (Waiting.)

Everything becomes a bargain with the dead.

Some do tell you it gets worse.

I didn’t believe them until it happened.

Some say time will heal,

But who talks about not wanting to heal?

I don’t want to.

The fear of being out of sync with her is overhelming.

People say “move on” as if that’s a thing,

Every turn jumping to telling you opinions and calling her names nobody asked for.

The words I wish I said but didn’t ring in my ears.

That suicide doesn’t end the pain,

It just gives it to someone else.

This is what they don’t tell you about losing a friend.

That the worst part isn't fearing the world’s end;

The worst part is that time keeps going.        (All posts from this date post-dated, posted 2022-03-31)

The Worst Day In the Worst Year

 (Post-dated, posted 2022-03-31)

Every sound is terrifying, and every moment of silence is worse.

Every sound is terrifying, and every moment of silence is worse.

My twin, please come back and tell me none of this is real.

Witchcraft vs OCD

Without denying belief in or possibility of spiritual interactions, I do wonder how many witch doctors and people who start superstitions and rituals actually have obsessive compulsive disorder and/or are on the autism spectrum.

While those things are not mutually exclusive, I have long thought I have OCD but for even longer that if I were born into a very different situation I could likely have ended up a witch doctor or shaman. And I mean this fully respectfully, it was something I thought about as a child though while growing older I started seeing spirituality and compulsions and other inclinations in different lights, my thoughts about where my heart was really bringing me changed.

April Tears (Very Old Poem)

 April Tears (written ~2011. Posted 2022-04-08)

The month of crying,

when the spirit is dying.

The time for sorrow,

when you wish for no tomorrow.

The days of pain,

when you cry with the rain.

A time when it's bitter,

for every drop of rain because of litter.

When because of a broken heart,

happiness and soul remain apart.

When the days are filled with storm,

the days when grief becomes the norm.

Darkness drowns a once-cherished name,

constantly hailing down shame.

Although for many April showers,

bring may flowers,

for some April tears,

bring our fears.

Making a heart torn,

as the old name is left forlorn.

~~

Actually written over a decade ago, actually posted April 8, 2022, buried under another date because there is already too much sad under recent posts.

I was trying to get better enough by March to stop the worst case scenarios. If what I was trying wasn't working I was going to take medication to do it.

But February. And she seemed to be doing so much better. Why didn't she let me try?