The sounds of nature are starting to sound like death, as if death is the only thing that feels natural anymore.

My Explanation of the 100 Green and Blue Eyed Logicians on an Island

To explain we will take an Island of 4 instead of 100, it's Melody, Eton, Fredy, and MC.

Thinking as Melody:

There are only two options. Either we all have green eyes or only I have blue eyes.

I, Melody am going to *imagine* that out of four of us, I do have blue eyes.

If I have blue eyes, then Eton knows that I have blue eyes and Fredy and MC have Green eyes. In this case, Eton is trying to determine whether only him and I have blue eyes / only Fredy and MC have green eyes, or only I have blue eyes and Fredy, MC, and Eton himself have green eyes.

Eton also knows that I know Fredy and MC can see me (with my blue eyes), so I know Eton is considering:

"if both Melody and I have blue eyes and MC and Fredy have Green eyes, then MC is trying to figure out whether just Fredy has green eyes, or both her and Fredy have Green eyes while Mel and I have blue eyes. In a case where MC is imagining she has blue eyes, like both Mel and I, (Eton) she is going to watch to see what Fredy does tonight, for if the three of did have blue eyes then Fredy will leave, knowing he must have green eyes. 

(The next day)

Fredy is still here. Therefore, if I (Eton) actually do have blue eyes like Mel, then MC will leave tonight."

The alternate applies between MC and Fredy.

(The next day)

MC is also still here.

Melody: "That means in this case where I have blue eyes, Eton must know he does not have blue eyes, and will leave tonight."

(The next day)

Because Eton did not leave, Melody knows she must not have blue eyes, and therefore her eyes are green.

Published Jan 8, 2025

The skies are looking rosy, as the day comes to a close

I wear a rose gold ring for her.

If it comes to it, will you wear one for me?

It would seem I was made to understand, not to be understood.

Some highly competitive people don't really fall in love with someone else. With them, it's not about the person, it's about what they think it says about themselves to get that person.

My biggest, nonclinical, anecdotal observation is that autistic people don't approach the world with the same assumptions and biases that would come natural to someone else who was raised the way they were.

And I think that comes from the very literal thinking.

The literal thinking makes autistic people more objective, but also lack a bit of "common sense and reasonableness". Like, other people just know things about situations without having to figure it out. They just KNOW.

I'm looking for the people who have a tree in their mind.

What is your tree like?

Mine is on an island surrounded by water in the middle of a forest that is sometimes on fire. 

However, the river protects the tree and no matter what happens I must not let my tree catch fire.

I was startled awake on a bus in Mexico, into a reality where you're not here anymore.

Coffee - in progress

I don't like the taste of coffee

So I take it blonde.

I can say a good goodbye

But I'm no good at moving on.

Is it better to die young and brave?

Before growing too used to this life, accustomed to this body.

"It takes one to know one."

 "It takes one to know one."

I believe this is true to some extent. To pick up on motivations and schemes and understand them immediately and wholly intuitively, that emotional pattern has to exist inside of you to begin with. Even if it's something you fight.

Fatal Flaw

I confuse myself. I see too many different sides and confuse myself into doing things or not doing things being a certain way that is inconsistent with my values, ie. I make an inauthentic hypocrite of myself and I know it and it makes me feel really bad and then it just makes me do even less to play it safe and then I feel worse about myself.

 My tragic flaw very well may be that I overthink things. I overthink myself into the wrong decision.

Transit aesthetic

My aesthetic is the wild grasses and flowers and thistles beside the highway. The little ponds with geese. The clouds that turn peach above red lights on the freeway. The headphones that keep everyone dreaming in the bus, and holding a backpack on your lap.

It's not glamourous, but this is my aesthetic because this is my life: finding beauty and lessons in the everyday.

What You Said To Me

 “It felt right that we stood on top of that mound 

While I talked to you about the surety of our future

Because as long as we’re together we’re on top of the world”

Something I've never heard anybody talk about directly but must be a common experience is how when someone hurts you or someone you love, the city they are from can carry this cursed weight. 

It feels corrupted, it feels sad.

You can't help but think of the stories that person might have had there in their day to day life. No matter how far the city is it makes the pain feel less distant.

 We are like the blossoms on the trees

Dear void

 I like when the sky is blue for the yellow it means for the ground

 You are The beautiful mess that is veggies all chopped up in bowls when someone is making soup

The sea of wildflowers with thistles and burs and colour pops that grow where they please 

Follow the Recipe

Have you ever seen that subreddit of people who leave bad reviews on recipes they only partially followed?

There is an invitation in the Bible to "taste and see that Jehovah is good." 

But to do that there is action on our part.

The world of religion is full of people lobbying as "pro-life" in a secular legal capacity, but not actually living out kindness towards orphans and widows that God expects. People say that Jesus saved them, yet they harshly judge and look down on their neighbour. 

They say they hope in God for a future, yet they prioritize money.

Religion without love or hope or wisdom is like a cake without sugar or flour or eggs. It doesn't have the right flavour, it is missing the substance, or it just doesn't hold quite right.

Solomon had the wisdom, but he did not have hope, and he lost his faith.

If someone doesn't follow the whole recipe and it doesn't turn out, would you leave a bad review on the recipe?

I hope you get to taste and see that God is good.

Giving meaning to life and Eccleseastes

https://www.instagram.com/reel/C4OzaxBvBde/?igsh=NWE0aGQwamZ5bDU5

(A poem by Whitney Hanson about giving meaning to your life)

I am reading the book of Ecclesiastes right now, narrating the thoughts of a king who was divinely wise but full of despair, struggling to find meaning in life. This feels like the perfect response, a voice from the other path. "May you choose hope every time" 💛  

An open letter to the girl who was left confused

There is a story I keep hearing from girls especially, but it can equally apply to others as well.

Just in case I die before going to lunch with all you to tell you myself, I'm going to leave this here for you to read.

I look at interactions with people like him as tying knots. Every time he would confuse you, every time he sent mixed signals, it ties another knot in your heart. Even when you have straightened things out in the big picture -you know he's not good for you and not what you really want- you're still left's with those knots of confusion. And it feels like until you can figure it out, how to undo the knot, it'll still bother you.

You don't actually want him anymore, you want it to make sense. 

No matter how hard you work to put the reality of him out of your heart, if the knots are still there in your brain you will continue to feel unsettled.

The answer is he played with your feelings. He wasn't serious about you but liked the attention so he accepted it, and very subtly procured it and kept you on the hook. I don't use this word lightly but don't let him gaslight you into thinking your senses about him are wrong. Because he doesn't want to accept that he is not actually a nice guy (he is someone who uses cognitive empathy to hold onto attention, instead of using his understanding of emotions to make sure others don't get hurt), he is going to want convince you that it's a you problem, that it was always your perception or your behaviour that was off.

But girl you are not the only one who has told this story and you cannot all be wrong. Boys who are just friendly with everybody don't tie knots like this. It's never that complicated. Those super friendly, extraverted guys can be disappointing when we realize they're just being nice, but it's not this complicated. They don't leave you with knots.

But in this case, for some reason after all this time has passed and you were so sure you don't want him anymore, you're still finding yourself thinking about him, trying to get in his head, looking for answers.

The answer is not in his head. The answer is in your heart.

The antidote in this kind of situation to this is learning to trust yourself and your senses. And you can't trust yourself until you have built up enough self-worth to trust that you were not the one in the wrong. Even if he is "being nice" now, without even needing to assign motive you need to accept that he isn't still affecting the way you feel about yourself because he's so great and you're not, it's because he made things confusing and left you with knots that are hard to undo.

And part of that is not talking down to yourself for "falling for it". You're not stupid. Take it from a resident therapist friend, this story has played out so many times and usually the girls who end up on the hurting end of this are actually really smart, but have sweet enough hearts to have assumed they were the problem instead of him.

But this is the part where you have the advantage in a way in the long run.

Because the more self-awareness he were to grow here, the more he would be forced to humble himself. (Whether or not he can or will face that is not up to you).

The more self-awareness you grow, the stronger your self-worth will become.

But what if you don't know where to start?

If you need a place to start, I would suggest starting with forgiveness. Allow yourself to forgive him.

"Didn't you mean to say 'forgive yourself'?"

Nope. Forgive him. And I say that because the girls on the receiving ends of this kind of hurt tend to have big brains, but also big hearts. If you tell yourself you need to be forgiven, you will probably at the same time be doing that on the basis of telling yourself your feelings of behaviour on this rollercoaster were wrong and need forgiveness.

Instead of using that big heart to condemn yourself, I want you to use that big heart to forgive the person's who did something wrong. Without needing to assign or figure rout motive, without needing to assign or figure out if he's really sorry, let yourself forgive him.

And then, you can begin to forgive yourself. And not because you did anything wrong to him, but because you owe yourself an apology for being mean to yourself before, for blaming yourself for something that wasn't your fault. *Then* forgive yourself for that, with the promise to do better.

This journey is likely not going to be linear, and to my nearest and dearest friends I hope to be able to walk beside you along it while you heal. But whether I am physically with you or not, know I and others who have untied knots of confusion are cheering you on.

It tends to be exceptional women this happens to. High achievers with high empathy. As difficult as it may be, you are the most qualified to handle this, and I know you will. Don't give up on the power of forgiveness, and building your self-worth, and your trust in your perception, and I know just like the many other w

ho came before you, you will be just fine.

The fear of being asked what I want is coupled with the desire to just be asked, so I can answer.

The answer being, there are two desires that compete for first place in my heart:

I want you to be happy forever. And,

I want you forever.

So ultimately I am faced with the age-old question, is love wanting someone or wanting them to be happy?

I think the answer is I want to be the one who makes you happy.

 I search for you in every dream

Hibernation

I need the snow to keep falling,

To cover my fears and anxieties

In a white blanket.

To freeze it all, 

So nothing changes

Until our spring arrives.

I need to keep sleeping,

To keep hibernating,

To keep dreaming.

Once I found myself standing in the snow while praying for rain.

Now I beg for the harshest winter

Not to numb the pain,

But to keep everything in tact,

To stay the same.

To allow a season of rest

So that we may once again grow.

So keep falling,

Keep falling,

Keep falling in love, dear snow.

The things I think

When I'm alone

I play music a little louder

And dance in the kitchen

When I'm in transit

I have an existential crisis about how we are eliterqlly carrying around our most important possession our lives, and launching it across wide areas where anything could happen.

Word.

4 INFJ Subtypes

The Cerebral

- gives the best advice but is tactful about it

- always wears the same two dress pants to work

- "I read somewhere..."

- will take your secrets to the grave

The Gem

- dresses in a distinct colour palette

- quality > quantity

- can count on them to be brave for their friends

- probably dreams about their wedding

The Hipster

- people instantly open up to them

- likes going to concerts but is frugal about it

- keeps in touch with old friends

- ENTPs love them

The Wholesome

- loves nature and poetry

- sentimental and always taking photos

- values giving people the benefit of the doubt

- probably vegan

Protect your peace

 Don't let your tree catch fire

The saddest word

 Cremate

Plants die. Skin cells die and it's not a big deal. But the only time you'd cremate someone is because they really mattered to you, and this is what they wanted. A final act of love.

Bible verses to keep in mind during wedding planning

 Matthew 24:38

For as they were in those days before the Flood, eating and drinking, men marrying and women being given in marriage, until the day that Noah entered into the ark,

Don't get so caught up in the wedding planning that more important things take the back burner, especially spiritual activity and personal study.

2 Timothy 2:9

Likewise, the women should adorn themselves in appropriate dress, with modesty and soundness of mind, not with styles of hair braiding and gold or pearls or very expensive clothing, 10 but in the way that is proper for women professing devotion to God, namely, through good works

Remain modest in dress and grooming. Dress as you like dressing as a Christian, not putting on a worldly costume of sorts just because that is what is glorified in the media.

Luke 14:28

28 For example, who of you wanting to build a tower does not first sit down and calculate the expense to see if he has enough to complete it?

Spend within your means, and also PLAN to spend within your means. Calculate the cost in advance.

Matthew 6:25

25 “On this account I say to you: Stop being anxious about your lives as to what you will eat or what you will drink, or about your bodies as to what you will wear. Does not life mean more than food and the body than clothing?

The marriage itself is the important part. The reception is not the marriage. 

Do not buy into being overly anxious about these things.

Ecclesiastes 4:13

12 And someone may overpower one alone, but two together can take a stand against him. And a threefold cord cannot quickly be torn apart.

Keep Jehovah at the center of our relationship. Have a good spiritual routine, and in all our decisions think of how he would feel.

***Pray to Him, even silently, throughout the wedding day, too.

1 Corinthians 10:31

31 Therefore, whether you are eating or drinking or doing anything else, do all things for God’s glory.

Make this a celebration that brings glory to God, for a God

-honouring arrangement of marriage.

Bloodhound

 If I were an animal, I'd be a bloodhound.

I can smell mental illness.

I have come to despise how accurate my intuition is. I can virtually never say "I didn't see it coming". I always see everything that can go wrong, and the burden is that in life there are very few answers that come without negative side effects, so my life is largely composed of seeing my fears come true over and over again.

The worst of reality is how often there is no perfectly right answer.

It feels like such a huge responsibility to feel the weight of everyone's decisions, the weight of the consequences before they have happened where I have to try to use my influence etonorevent it but it's ultimately not my decision to make. It's overwhelming.