An open letter to the girl who was left confused

There is a story I keep hearing from girls especially, but it can equally apply to others as well.

Just in case I die before going to lunch with all you to tell you myself, I'm going to leave this here for you to read.

I look at interactions with people like him as tying knots. Every time he would confuse you, every time he sent mixed signals, it ties another knot in your heart. Even when you have straightened things out in the big picture -you know he's not good for you and not what you really want- you're still left's with those knots of confusion. And it feels like until you can figure it out, how to undo the knot, it'll still bother you.

You don't actually want him anymore, you want it to make sense. 

No matter how hard you work to put the reality of him out of your heart, if the knots are still there in your brain you will continue to feel unsettled.

The answer is he played with your feelings. He wasn't serious about you but liked the attention so he accepted it, and very subtly procured it and kept you on the hook. I don't use this word lightly but don't let him gaslight you into thinking your senses about him are wrong. Because he doesn't want to accept that he is not actually a nice guy (he is someone who uses cognitive empathy to hold onto attention, instead of using his understanding of emotions to make sure others don't get hurt), he is going to want convince you that it's a you problem, that it was always your perception or your behaviour that was off.

But girl you are not the only one who has told this story and you cannot all be wrong. Boys who are just friendly with everybody don't tie knots like this. It's never that complicated. Those super friendly, extraverted guys can be disappointing when we realize they're just being nice, but it's not this complicated. They don't leave you with knots.

But in this case, for some reason after all this time has passed and you were so sure you don't want him anymore, you're still finding yourself thinking about him, trying to get in his head, looking for answers.

The answer is not in his head. The answer is in your heart.

The antidote in this kind of situation to this is learning to trust yourself and your senses. And you can't trust yourself until you have built up enough self-worth to trust that you were not the one in the wrong. Even if he is "being nice" now, without even needing to assign motive you need to accept that he isn't still affecting the way you feel about yourself because he's so great and you're not, it's because he made things confusing and left you with knots that are hard to undo.

And part of that is not talking down to yourself for "falling for it". You're not stupid. Take it from a resident therapist friend, this story has played out so many times and usually the girls who end up on the hurting end of this are actually really smart, but have sweet enough hearts to have assumed they were the problem instead of him.

But this is the part where you have the advantage in a way in the long run.

Because the more self-awareness he were to grow here, the more he would be forced to humble himself. (Whether or not he can or will face that is not up to you).

The more self-awareness you grow, the stronger your self-worth will become.

But what if you don't know where to start?

If you need a place to start, I would suggest starting with forgiveness. Allow yourself to forgive him.

"Didn't you mean to say 'forgive yourself'?"

Nope. Forgive him. And I say that because the girls on the receiving ends of this kind of hurt tend to have big brains, but also big hearts. If you tell yourself you need to be forgiven, you will probably at the same time be doing that on the basis of telling yourself your feelings of behaviour on this rollercoaster were wrong and need forgiveness.

Instead of using that big heart to condemn yourself, I want you to use that big heart to forgive the person's who did something wrong. Without needing to assign or figure rout motive, without needing to assign or figure out if he's really sorry, let yourself forgive him.

And then, you can begin to forgive yourself. And not because you did anything wrong to him, but because you owe yourself an apology for being mean to yourself before, for blaming yourself for something that wasn't your fault. *Then* forgive yourself for that, with the promise to do better.

This journey is likely not going to be linear, and to my nearest and dearest friends I hope to be able to walk beside you along it while you heal. But whether I am physically with you or not, know I and others who have untied knots of confusion are cheering you on.

It tends to be exceptional women this happens to. High achievers with high empathy. As difficult as it may be, you are the most qualified to handle this, and I know you will. Don't give up on the power of forgiveness, and building your self-worth, and your trust in your perception, and I know just like the many other w

ho came before you, you will be just fine.