The best and the worst of my mother

Her answer is always "can I just give you mine?"

She raised herself to be a resource, which is sad.

She is much more than that.

Published 2022-08-01

Poem - Photo With the Candle

Photo With the Candle (published 2022-08-01)

This was the her I knew most.

In sync for better or worse, we found ourselves falling into the same ditches at the same time,

Unable to pull the other out,

So instead we sat there keeping eachother company,

Wandering around mazes of the same mental traps we set for ourselves,

Getting lost together.

(I know I say the same things over and over but)

I always wished I could have brought out her best side, instead of only her most raw.

And I wished she could do the same for me.

And this is why I don’t know if in the end I regret being there more or being there less.

Everything can become a regret when you end up with the bad outcome.

Amara, when you wake up you will have your old name, and also a new name.

永霞。

Eternal rosy clouds, the kind you see at sunset and also sunrise

For your name means Eternal,

and the first thing everyone said was “you are a dreamer, aren’t you?” Because we could see your head up in the clouds

I always think of sunset, but it’s sunrise, too.

And you always liked rose gold, and we talked about rose gold rings.

Because you live with your head in the clouds and have a heart of rose gold.

And for your namesake and all of your future, Eternal.

I’m going to spend my life now telling people about this girl who was an old soul, lived with her head in the clouds, and had a heart of rose gold.

I could never keep up with her, she was always one step ahead of me and this ended up being both her strength and her fatal flaw,

Because she couldn’t bring herself to give someone else the burdens she never deserved to have to carry in the first place.

But her name means Eternal.

So every day I watch the sunset and I always will,

And spend the rest of my life picking out the rosy clouds waiting for sunrise.

June 5 - June 15 many Shorts in one catch-up post

June 5

Is grieving like a rock tumbler?

The grief is still all there, but it softens the edges some of it ends up in smaller, more manageable pieces.

Edit: why does that opening sound like a pickup line

~~

Anything can become a regret when you end up with the bad outcome

~~

I don’t want to be one of those people who just argued their way through life, just pushes to make things go their way instead of actually earning things.

~~

“Emails sent, texts answered, Duolingo done, all other tasks completed. Now I can stress in peace.”

~~

All of reality cannot be purely a simulation or dream within my own mind at least, I’m not smart enough to be able to invent entire disciplines of science in my mind complete with laws of nature that are consistent with one another’s.

June 13

Do we need an impending end to compel us to make it worthwhile, though? 

I understand the draw of saying things like "knowing we have an ending is what makes life worthwhile." I understand both the thought and its comforting. I have felt it too, and thought perhaps it is the end of the canvas that compels us to appreciation, and that this appreciation is what makes the piece beautiful.

But one of the questions that changed my life was being asked “are you more motivated by negativity (eg. fear) or positivity (eg. desire)?”. Surrounded by the artistry of a universe we never see the edges of though made me realize it’s ok to just not want an ending that is coming anyway.

This is not that canvases are any less beautiful for the edges I can see, but had to think a little bigger to know we don't need to have final edges in sight to perceive endless beauty.

June 15

Welcome to the land of music,

Where all that is in your heart exists.

~~

Music is a way of expressing and making real ideas in your mind and what is in your heart, using a universal language, without necessarily making those thoughts vulnerable to the criticisms of others.

Published 2022-08-01

Some Things I Mess up in Mandarin

少shǎo/shào，小xiǎo

si, ci, and se 

“Yun” eg. 我自己的名：妙韵

This sound in my name so the problem comes up a lot.

ju, zhu

qu, chu 

Zhe, zhi. eg. Feng Zhiwei, 这是not zhì 是

encourage vs exerting great effort, guli vs nuli. I don’t even remember which one each is, respectively.

Distinguishing ǒ vs ó tones (not specific to this vowel)

Formerly, 聚会jùhuì vs 会众huìzhòng. There is a 50% chance I accidentally told someone I‘m learning Chinese because I want to go to Chinese parties as opposed to a Chinese congregation. I don’t even like parties.

 It’s embarrassing being the person stuff happens to.

Highlight from the book of Proverbs

 Proverbs chapter everything: “[Shut up.]”

The past, the present, and the future (sketch)

It has been a long time since I’ve sketched.

It started with wanting to sketch a flower. (Actually, wanting to paint a flower, until I saw the charcoal pencil.) Then they became the black-eyed Susan’s. Then they became specifically the black-eyed Susans from last summer.

Then came the log in front of them, then it became the garden with some of its textures and shapes of pots and all, then I decided to sketch PB my squirrel from the old house here just because. And I added the neighbour’s fence and yard.

And it became a sketch of my past and present and future, for it is here that I have dreamt of a beautiful future so many times.

Those Colours (with abbr. notes)

Once in a while, remembering the bad also helps you remember the good.

~~

Those colours to remember the bad too; the context of what made it hard; the insecurities that underscored "we have to keep this". The reality; the whole. Permission to feel the good in their rawest and truest form, and appreciation that next time we will be able to feel the good, without the burdens of the bad.

Also, the reminder of other colours, that there are others I can still relate to. Colours that speak "you are not alone ask you perceive yourself to be", infusing me with strength to carry on as I wait.

Note: If the second section after the "~~" doesn't make sense to you that is ok, it's not supposed to. (Also please know I am just being cryptic for my own sake because honestly I just wanted this in an accessible place to reference later, the full piece is not for publishing). The theme behind it however, is that sometimes remembering the bad in an overall good situation and not pushing it away can help you remember the realistic whole, including the real good that kept you there in an especially raw and authentic way.