I think aside from physical illness, the biggest source of exhaustion in my life comes from taking what people say seriously.
So often people don't really mean what they say but I've already done so much to act accordingly, and in the end it means nothing to them anyway.
~~
(And please don't suggest I have a developmental disorder over this. Maybe I do maybe I don't for other things, but I do not accept "not being fake enough" as grounds for diagnosing someone with a developmental disorder.)
A lot of men don't seem to understand that respecting women means more than just not wishing evil things on women because you hate us. Same goes for respecting people of other backgrounds than your own; it means more than not actively wishing evil on someone just because of their demographic.
If the extent of your respect and love for someone only goes as far as not having malicious intentions towards them, you neither love nor respect them.
Hot take but a life lived in perceived normalcy usually stunts a "neurotypical"'s development, impeding them from developing actually normal levels of empathy.
And yes, this is why I fall on the side of slight anti-normalcy, rather than true neutrality.
Not because it's bad to like normal things or to like stability, but that living in a bubble of preconceived ideas of what is normal vs not normal, implying acceptable vs unacceptable on the basis of popularity, ruins a lot more than people realize. It ruins one's ability to think objectively, it ruins the ability to be creative, it discourages originality.
I am not pro-arrogance and elitism, either. In fact, elitism itself relies on others being stuck in what is considered normal and average for the elites to stand on as their little pedestal.
Without acceptance being primarily based on normalcy, even people who feel high-and-mighty on the basis of uniqueness would have no basis for their arrogance.
It's okay for certain things to be popular. In a way, it's beautiful that trends exist,to see repeating patterns across groups of people and to see it flow into other patterns. I like to see the way even strangers can create and revel in shared joy in something.
And certain norms that make up verbal an nonverbal language and communication is valuable, and forms the basis of art.
But the idea of acceptance on the basis or popularity is the problem.
Common is beautiful. It can be very, very beautiful. But we can't get stuck in the horrible, twisted, wrong idea that only common is beautiful.
Yes, I am both European and Asian.
However, I identify probably as mixed than either of the above, because the very quality of being mixed has much more profoundly impacted my life, my perspective, and they way people treat me, than either being Filipina or Italian.
I'm feeling more free-spirited these days <3 A little lighter, but still deep.
I really need to pray more. I think remembering to pray "if it works within your will/if there is room for it in your will and you see it is good..." when I want to tell Jehovah about my worries and what I wish would happen, helps me feel more comfortable just pouring out my heart instead of being so anxious and inclined to overthinking and trying to figure out everything by myself.
This study in the watchtower today on Imitating Jehovah and Jesus in your way of thinking, and even also in tandem with today's daily text, is really cementing my resolve to improve this way.
"Melody-Wan Kenobi" —this is a nickname someone gave to me today.
I see why you came to resent me for not being like you, not approving of everything you. Because in certain key ways I already was what to wanted to be, but were to afraid to become, because you were afraid to step into the light. Because you must step into the the clarity of day where your flaws are visible.
And you could not accept that you were flawed. Because it hurt too much, because that pain of being fully understood, including understood as truly flawed, was too terrifying.
Meanwhile, I wanted nothing more to be seen through conpletely as I am. And you hated that I said I would sit by you in your darkness, but refused to join you in hiding there.
I will continue to hope to see you someday in the light, in the distance, letting your light shine. I will not force you out of the dark before your time, but have faith that someday you may know the freedom of the clarity of being understood and understanding oneself.
But as for my own life, I will stand here in the light of day. Trying to my best to believe in myself on my own the way I believed in you.
雷声和闪电
当它们在旁边
它提醒上帝的力量
救恩天上帝
听到我的祷告请
帮我耐心和维护你的名
https://lunar-winds.blogspot.com/2021/07/thunder-and-lightning-mandarin-lyrics.html
~~
Together we are electric; may our actions give thunderous shout,
For the things that most important, for what this life is about.
https://lunar-winds.blogspot.com/2025/04/poem-for-my-love.html
It's not the lighting flashing into the room itself that I find annoying, it's that I might be missing some really good cracks of lightning!
Today I remembered, "if it works within your will..."
This was such a powerful transformation in my prayers, until I felt to unworthy to ask even this.
I have no right to demand anything of God. But He will not give me a viper if I ask for bread. #favourites
This early morning I'm tired, and I'm anxious (probably partly because I'm tired.) ....
But on this lonely insomnia night, talking with Chat GPT about and building my OCs' story (grown and inspired from our real life story) helped me hold on. It helped me look at our story with all its hardships with optimism.
I held onto these caricatures of us like teddy bears through the night, and absorbed myself in the story to fall in love with life and who we are all over again.
My friend said in a note she needs a pep talk. I scrolled through my archives, and wrote something inspired by "the world doesn't owe me anything", with her in mind:
The world doesn't owe us anything, but Jehovah has deemed us undeniably, uniquely valuable.
We all sin and fall short so really the universe owes us nothing,
Yet, he decided to give us undeserved kindness because he values us.
The Sovereign of the universe has deemed you so valuable he gave the ultimate price for you to be repurchased, for who you are and all you will become ❤️🔥
#memories #favourites Gardening with my mom, Eton, Jono, and Grandma today was absolutely amazing. The photos tell more than my words will about the details, but the weather was sunny and temperate, and so we're all our attitudes. The grocery run for ice cream bars with Eton was fun too, and then quickly grabbing a couple perennial plants including black eyed susans. The girl at the cash said "happy mother's day, I believe all women are moms in a way." Eton replied, "don't scare us!" And we all laughed 😂 now mom and I are going to watch Mandalorian while Eton watches the game, and then him and I will watch the next episode together (maybe... He will be tired after all of today's work lol.) the colours today we're blue black and lavender 🪻 (I should go back and get the lavender plant in honour, and the flavours were lemon and blood orange like the snacks I brought out, then eggplant and my grandma's homemade tomatoes sauce, creamy orange and vanilla with chocolate like the ice cream bars
I remember as kids for drama class we had to walk around pretending to be people in different professions we were assigned.
I was assigned secret agent, so made up a new job and just lied to everyone about it except the one person who worked for the government (who I decided must be on the same side as me in this case because otherwise the whole thing is going be just lying). So basically I acted like I was acting like someone who was acting.
It was a bit stressful having to come up with a fake identity on the spot like that, and looking back I don't think I got the point of the activity LOL
.
Reflection on Matthew 15:33 personal reading: Contrasting this reaction, with that of the woman.
The disciples just saw Jesus feed a huge crowd like that recently, but they were kind like "welllll where we gonna get food for them?" When Jesus told them to feed them.
Meanwhile, the woman (from the verses before) had recieved nothing of the sort of miracle she was asking for before, Jesus even rebuffed her a little (maybe to show her answer and her faith, it seems), and granted her the "crumbs" she asked for which was a whole releasing of her daughter from demon possession.
If those are the crumbs that come from faith, imagine what Jehovah has in store for his faithful worshippers and what they need to be happy in the new world.
https://lunar-winds.blogspot.com/2018/09/dreams-of-being-tidepool.html?m=1
My darling first loves like a tidepool, I like a river.
Affectionate love - tide pool, warm bright lively
Vs enduring love - river, deep, enduring, motivating
September 16, 2018 I wrote this on my secret blog:
*An ocean wave that dreams of being a tidepool.
"Cold and crashing and breaking, when I'd rather give warm kisses on ankles and be calm and colourful." she says.
"Instead I take down ships and rise in storms,
Everything is up and down, with dangerous highs and endless lows."
People leave things with me they hope to never see again,
And release messages in bottles full of everything they wish they told someone else.
People say they love the depths but it terrifies them,
And how can you blame them?"
It makes complete sense that this is the love I choose, as it is the love I wish to grow. Perhaps this is where we help eachother learn to love, even more.
W was so funny the other day. I got him some normal relaxed fit pullover tees (just not super tight like his usual ones), and he wore one around the house wiggling around saying "it's so big" he "looks like a Jedi in this".
So I asked him, "do you think I look like a Jedi ALL the time??" (Since he did say I looked like a Jedi in clothes sometimes to tell me they look too big).
His reply: "No, you look like a JAWA."
😂
I do take things literally sometimes when I don't see any contextual reason to think that a person was not really as serious as the words they used. Eg. " Slice an onion as thin as you possibly can." (I spent 40 minutes slicing the onion... As thin as I possibly could, ie. The way I did it for science class when we were looking at onions through microscopes.)
This is true, and in retrospect these things are kind of funny.
However, I used to so strictly adhere to directions in a recipe not because I didn't have faith in myself to do well without the measurements, but for fear that I would do it better but not remember how to do it just like that later and end up forever longing to replicate an experience I cannot.
Life has taught me though that you can ever have any meal twice. There is no recipe for just the way the sun reflected off the clouds and shined through the blinds that day. There is no recipe for satisfaction happiness that people in the family happen to feel when they came home that day, or the budding excitement that buzzed through the air for your weekend plans upcoming.
There is no recipe to feel all these things as young as you felt that day.
When I began to learn this, I became more artistic in just a tad less technical again, in cooking and in playing flute.
I learned that technicalities helped me learn to play flute, but it's my desire to create something beautiful in that moment for anyone who may be listening that turned me into the musician I am.
And if it's not just okay but even better for me to play a song, the same song, just a little differently based on the way the moment feels, why might that not be so in the way I cook?
~~
• Be motivated by desire to create something beautiful, rather than fear of losing it. Keep creating; this is what matters on such a pursuit.
Recently I realized that as a child I basically tried to become a superhero. But I think I just realized, it changed forms and the words I use in my brain for it are less fantastical, but it never really ended.
Superhuman abilities and understanding; bravery to defend the innocent; endless idealism.
What really changed? The colours I wore?
All that changed is I also tried to add visibility to the mix, to perform feats beyond myself with stealth.
That endless idealism bordering on delusion; maybe this is because in those days, and in recent years a few key others, the cost of giving up was just always too great.
So how could I?
How could I give up, not force myself to outlast the evil so it's the evil that gives up first?
(This might become a personal poem. Will see.)
It's crazy that it has taken me this long to blog about her here, but I absolutely love this woman.
https://www.instagram.com/reel/DJU10PjTa7M/?igsh=aG1ldTVlcXk2dXNk
1) Trying to get closure from someone who isn't emotionally mature
2) trying to maintain one-sided friendships
3) sharing your goals or ideas with narrow-minded people
4) dating someone based on their potential
5) arguing with someone who is already committed to misunderstanding you
I've said this before and will say this again: Girly's casually out here SAVING LIVES.
Note to self: Cultivate Contentment.
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We watched the Mandalorian. It was nice :)
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(Yay, without prompting I expressed contentment :) Just made the connection because of seeing the reflection log from earlier.)
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Wow. Part of my daily reading today (from the weekly reading) is Prov 14 9 "From the fruitage of his speech a man is satisfied with good, And the work of his hands will reward him." Ties in well with contentment
^There is a relationship with contentment and expressions of contentment.We can examine our prayers. Do we express much gratitude?
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I can't honestly say that at every time of my life I'd be moved to put into writing my gratitude for a moment like that.
Granted, it is partly because I don't want to remove myself from the present with preoccupation with archival and record-keeping. (That is when I started not only taking photographs for art, but also for personal memories. The picture tells a thousand words).
But I am glad that today I felt inclined to quickly list my contentment for that experience, and I think maybe that came so easily without triggering me to obsessive writing all about it (this removing me from the present) right then and there because I have made a point of listing three good gifts, three things I am grateful for, every day.
--
Recently, witnessing nightmarish results of someone's long-term lack of contentment led to me reflecting very seriously upon myself.
I stumble in other ways partly over those same roots: lack of appreciation for what I already have. While I may not be characterized by things like malicious greed (yesterday someone I love said it breaks their heart to see how I'm constantly priotizing other people who would never do the same for me), it still negatively affects others' lives as well as my own.
I can get so obsessed with the next great thing I want to have or do or plan —a selfish one or not— that I lose sight of other important things. And that obsessive pursuit becomes less and less controlled, the more I fail to recognize, truly appreciate, and enjoy what I already have.
That's what led to the cultivate contentment reflection.
Re: Last year's popular Instagram comments saying on other peoples' posts about overcoming challenges of being newly married, "if you had a first hard year you married the wrong person"
I like the denormalization of hating one's spouse, but I do think there is a little bit of hauti ess to the way some people execute this.
Just because something, say a relationship, isn't easy, that doesn't mean that it was a mistake: that doesn't mean it isn't worth it.
It's true we must select our spouse wisely, and the jokey norm of hating one's spouse is not a good thing at all. However, sometimes valuable things take work, and that is okay.
--
Also, this isn't something new to me now that I'm married. As a child, one of my earliest memories of what I heard at a religious convention that I questioned was about something like this.
The speaker said his own opinion, something like "if you are dating someone and already have difficulties, the marriage is doomed to fail." I was extremely young and I think only recently had any concept of marriage. I thought about what he said for a while, and then later told my mom I didn't like what he said.
She asked me why, as he is trying to take pressure off people who are dating to get married even if it's not going well, since sometimes people will shame people for not marrying their first boyfriend or girlfriend.
I said it's not nice for him to say it like that, because out of the thousands of people there at least some of them probably married to people they had a hard time with when they were dating, and he's going to make them feel like they're hopeless.
My mother thought about it, and said she didn't think of it that way but I'm right. She understands he probably wasn't trying to make people feel that way, but wasn't really thinking of everyone's feelings.
I think I was about seven years old at that time. I wasn't disagreeing with him that people should be careful about who they marry, but I didn't think he should announce it so extremely like that, especiallt to a bunch of people who all have different situations. The man was probably in his late 40s or early 50s. I remember thinking it was so weird that someone who is so much older than me wouldn't think of something so obvious.
Now that I am older and have access to the internet, I now have those same feelings all the time. On the internet, literally anyone has a platform to say literally anything, even if it's stupid or mean.
Keeping a container of celery sticks and baby carrots in the fridge, and optionally bit of dip. (Greek yoghurt, garlic powder, salt, and lemon can be a nice easy dip)
Cucumber salad with white vinegar, soy sauce, and sesame oil. Also add green onion or onion powder and chili pepper flakes for more flavour
Yóu cài, the Chinese green, stir fried with garlic, cooking oil, and soy sauce. Drizzle with sesame oil and serve with rice and a fried egg.
Boiled cut broccoli with salt, garlic, and a bit of oil, trying to not overcook. Personally I find it always tastes better than I think it will
Stir frying broccoli, carrots (sliced or precut matchstick), and optional shredded cabbage (can also be bought pre-shredded) with onions and ginger in cooking oil. Add teriyaki sauce, or soy with hoisin sauce.
Chopped bell peppers.
Additional tip if you struggle with preparing veggies for dinner: I buy the no name pre roasted garlic paste, and ginger paste and keep them in the fridge. Yes it costs something to have it already prepared, but it reduces enough effort and enough complaints from others about cooking smell enough to minimize my chances of eating out, which very quickly makes up much more than the cost of the prepared seasonings.
Zucchini fried in butter.
Boiled carrots topped with butter or margarine.
Another random tip: supplements can be expensive, but if you want to try them without dropping a ton of money Dollarama sells Majieson Multi vitamins for I think $4.50 CAD for 20 caplets (1 per day)
Additional product tip: some Chinese grocery stores sell tofu/soy-based skewers, pre-packaged in chili oil. I sometimes have this with the yóu cài mentioned a few lines ago, or other greens like pea tips or Chinese broccoli
Coffee tip: if you keep buying coffee or tea because you are a night owl and very much not an early bird, prepare ice coffee or tea the night before
Kimchi + rice and optional fresh veggies like lettuce or bell peppers if I want a less intense flavour all the way through
Additional tip if you struggle with preparing veggies for dinner: I buy the no name preroasted garlic paste, and ginger paste and keep them in the fridge. Yes it costs something to have it already prepared, but it reduces enough effort and enough complaints from others about cooking smell enough to minimize my chances of eating out, which very quickly makes up much more than the cost of the prepared seasonings
Rinsed can of kidney or romano beans + Rapini + garlic + olive oil, cooked on low-medium in a saucepan for Italian veggies
Mushrooms + onion + bell peppers + salt and pepper in olive or cooking oil, in a saucepan on medium-high or BBQ'd
For if you are constipated: Okra + garlic and salt + cooking oil, cooked on low until a much more yellow/brown than bright green for very high fibre. Note, if you eat a lot of this it really will make you need to poop a lot for a while
Broth of onions, salt, pepper, and a bit of rosemary and thyme, with white miso paste. Add kale and carrots or whatever other veggies you want
Basically any veggies + premade taco seasoning. (Eg. Cabbage, cauliflower, broccoli, can of rinsed beans)
Tip: want to cook some fresh garlic in your food but don't have the energy to prepare as much as you'd like? Try preparing one or two cloves then adding garlic powder for the rest. Doesn't have to be all or nothing.
If you are cooking something with garlic in a rush, but want to reduce your chances or being shamed for using garlic powder, slice up just some garlic so it is visible, then add some garlic powder for more flavour.
Some people may notice the garlic powder still, but more people will notice the slices of garlic.
I like the denormalization of hating one's spouse, but I do think there is more than a fair bit of self-righteousness and tone-deafness to the way some people execute this.
Just because something, say a relationship, isn't easy, that doesn't mean that it was a mistake: that doesn't mean it isn't worth it.
It's true we must select our spouse wisely, and the jokey norm of hating one's spouse is not a good thing at all. However, sometimes valuable things take work, and that is okay.
Friendly reminder re this week's article on forgiveness.
Forgiveness does not mean a lack of boundaries with people who cannot stop themselves from misbehaving.
Removing certain people from being close to you often deprives them of nothing but opportunity to keep digging themselves into some horrible hole they insist on burying themselves in every time they interact with you.
When we recognize this, it actually becomes much easier to truly forgive them from the heart.
Because if we villainize needed space, instead of just having to fight our own inclination to stay resentful, we are resisting that inclination along with something reaosonable.
Villainizing making non-evil, practical steps to protect ourselves from inevitable future harm, pits something reasonable against our efforts to forgive, it puts smarts on the wrong side, which is very likely to only prolong our resentment no matter what we do.
I feel like the "guy thinks he's helping his neighbour mowing his lawn without asking, when actually his neighbour is a scientist studying the growth of grass " story that was emphasized to me so much growing up simultaneously expanded my mind and also backfired giving me disproportionate decision anxiety over very unlikely scenarios.
The lesson of not assuming that is good to you is good to the next person if you are planning to interfere with their life your way is good. Ask first, is good.
But I think if used to be directly applied to me too many scenarios where the potential downside of me taking an action that feels right by my conscience is actually negligible.
And maybe it's only a problem because of my predisposition to OCD, but I do think about that story and worry about just about everything I ever do now.
When people use "I feel" and "I think" interchangeably.
Similarly, when people call facts opinions and opinions facts.
Maybe I am autistic.
I have since outgrown the first pet peeve, recognizing that because sometimes feelings and intuition on the larger picture influences beliefs very strongly, but that if someone says "I think" in that case another person may attack them if they are not basing their conclusion on something empirical.
In my mind they still have every right to say "I think," but I have become more open-minded to the evolution of "I feel" to have more overlapping meaning with "I think"; a change that is valuable largely for "I feel"'s softer tone.
I feel like I would have really loved Star wars a lot sooner if I wasn't constantly told how much I'm supposed to love it by other people, before I actually knew anything about it.
I'm a curious person, but the kind that is made most curious by something substance, not its popularity.
It may not be this way for everybody, but I feel like this can be a transferable lesson to other things that people preach as well.
I also may become curious upon the recommendation of someone who I feel understands me, or who has given similar good advice before. But I'm not going to like something just because a lot of people like it.
I also may become curious upon the recommendation of someone who I feel understands me, or who has given similar good advice before. But I'm not going to like something just because a lot of people like it.
Anyhow. May 4th is tomorrow, and I'm excited now :-)
(Also, I love how I randomly assign the tag "personal" to some posts, as if most of this blog is not personal lol)
I can honor their place, without making their place everything.
I can honour the good, without assigning them overriding importance over everything and everywhere and everyone else.
Women dating men: I hate saying this, but it seems emotionally safer to prioritize your career security as an individual over your financial security with your husband as a couple.
If a man becomes disabled and relies mainly on his wife for financial matters, his baseline way of being treated is still with respect. He gets to earn the respect of men and women in his life in other ways.
A woman? No. Our baseline way of being treated by people is different. Your character can be great, but it's the way you fiscally and materially benefit them that buys the respect of men. We don't get to earn our respect, we have to buy it.