It became commonly known that after a point, many music students in the program would would come to hate music. Around that time and at my most anxious in highschool, music actually became my outlet, even though at a point I was so bad at it.
Even if I didn't hate it, I was also very discouraged.
Peoples' sad hares often came after a plateau, feeling crushed, tired, likwlt discouraged for too long.
Music students had become accustomed to comforting and validating one another' feelings, when another one would admit it, that they hate music now.
Ond lf course they did; there was so much constant pushing, it was constant evaluation for so long. We all had applied for this program because we loved music, but it wasn't about music anymore, it was about grades, about us being measured and evaluated, all the time.
People understood eachother well. And it didn't mean it would necessarily last forever, but it would probably come.
This stage of hating the very thing we once loved so much, came to be accepted, and, expected.
Teachers, well-intended would sometimes try to kindly encourage us by saying, "Just do it for you. Don't compare yourself to others."
To this day I will happily echo the "don't compare yourself to others".
However, me finally rejecting the first part was actually an essential component of the rebirth of music in my life.
I had been so bad, for a long time now. Even after always focusing on and practicing my technical exercises just as my teachers instructed, and said "work on these every day and you'll get there", my daily scales sucked, my technical theory was non-existent, and arpeggios were torture.
Doing this only makes feel bad about myself now, how could it possibly be something for myself? How any of this be be for me if all it makes me feel anymore is pain?
I tried so hard, but I knew I was going to play it wrong.
I knew I would play it wrong, and so did all of my classmates. I would play it wrong anyway, so, I will just now play something beautiful to give to the audience. I was not trying to play perfectly anymore, I just couldn't do it. But to give them something they feel is beautiful, as it reaches out to them from the air around them.
I was going to play it wrong. I will not be a good flautist.
But since when was any of this supposed to be about me anyway?
I am bad at this. (I thought). I will never okay music technically right (I thought). I will never see myself as a good flautist.
There I was a hopeless cause, but standing there holding this beautiful instrument anyway.
Giving up on the constant focus on daily technical drills, I simply decided to try my best to give the audience something good, even if I am not good.
I may never play it right, so I will do my best to play something beautiful that the audience will enjoy, for themK will make mistakes. Maybe it will never even possible to hear this again because of how wrong I played it. But it will be something played *for them*, not for me to be good, but to give them something beautiful to feel and maybe feel touched or moved by or enjoy being absorbed in as it takes them, listening,.
Giving up on the constant focus on daily technical drills, I simply decided to try my best to give the audience something good, even if I am not good.
And once that changed, it changed everything, so quickly.
*Everything* changed. I wasn't playing things perfectly, but when I wasn't trying to play it perfectly and just trying to play something good as something to give to the people who may hear me, but I was no longer going to wait until I can play right before trying to make it something beautiful for the audience.
Instead of practicing scales every day I played songs I liked. Maybe playing along with my favourite singers and YouTube artists, like Daniel Jang.
My classmates and teachers were shocked. They were so positive and happy for me in this change, although confused about how this could happen all of a sudden. Maggie saying it out loud noticed and encouraged me. But it was so fast, what happened?
I gave credit to the new, non-leaky flute and felt bad about that later. (She was so nice, and that almost sounds like the opposite of what I meant bragging as if I was always good and the old flute was the problem, not the new one lifted me up).
I do hope that after everything though, she did know I really wasn't feeling high above anyone all of a sudden. I never had before and I wasn't starting them. But I was so happy to be playing music, and for people. It was thought he relief after so long of making my life in music about everything I am bad at, any of it for or about myself, it was about the audience's experience, and music being beautiful, instead.
This was the life lesson I gained:
Instead of trying to restricting yourself to accessing your strengths through your weaknesses, access your weaknesses through your strengths, and improve it from there.
This changed everything. And so fast.
It changed my music. My confidence. Relationships It changed my listeners' experience to it being about their patience with me as I reach for technical improvements where I am so, so bad, and instead this was kusr doing the best I can to give thod people something beautiful, *for them.*
I had been there, a hopeless cause. But standing there holding a beautiful instrument that love, anyway.
There is more happiness in giving than receiving.
Abd even though life keeps getting hard, these changes for the better never left. And in fact they have supported me through.
After I finally gave up, I finally fell in love with music all over again.
And, I love music still.
~~
Another version (I can't remember which one to use but yay I have both!)
the change that made me never hate music
Eventually, it was expected that everyone would hate music. In our program became commonly known that after a point, many music students would would come to hate music. Around that time at my most anxious in highschool, music actually became my outlet. But only after an important change.
However, an eventual hatred of what a person once loved so much became expected. It often came after a plateau when this would happen to people, feeling crushed, tired, or just discouraged for too long.
Music students had become accustomed to comforting and validating fellow students' feelings. They would try to comfort them, whenever another new person, crushed, admitted that they that they hate music now
Of course they did; it was so much constant pushing, it was constantly evaluation for so long. We all had applied for this program because we loved music, but it wasn't about the music anymore, it was now about about grades, about us being measured and evaluated, all the time.
It didn't mean it would last forever, but it wpuld probably come. And this is omethjng that came to be accepted, and expected.
Teachers, well-intended would sometimes try to encourage us saying, "Just do it for you. Don't compare yourself to others."
To this day I happily echo the "don't compare yourself to others".
However, rejecting the first part was actually an essential component of the rebirth of music in my life.
I had been so bad, for a long time now. Even after always focusing on and practicing my technical exercises just as my teachers instructed, and said "work on these every day and you'll get there", my daily scales sucked, my technical theory was non-existent, and arpeggios were torture.
Doing this only makes feel bad about myself now, how could it possibly be something for myself? How any of this be be for me if all it makes me feel anymore is pain?
I tried so hard, but I knew I was going to play it wrong.
I knew I would play it wrong, and so did all of my classmates. I would play it wrong anyway, so, I will just now play something beautiful to give to the audience. I was not trying to play perfectly anymore, I just couldn't do it. But to give them something they feel is beautiful, as it reaches out to them from the air around them.
I was going to play it wrong. I will not be a good flautist.
But since when was any of this supposed to be about me anyway?
I am bad at this. (I thought). I will never okay music technically right (I thought). I will never see myself as a good flautist.
There I was a hopeless cause, but standing there holding this beautiful instrument anyway.
Giving up on the constant focus on daily technical drills, I simply decided to try my best to give the audience something good, even if I am not good.
I may never play it right, so I will do my best to play something beautiful that the audience will enjoy, for themK will make mistakes. Maybe it will never even possible to hear this again because of how wrong I played it. But it will be something played *for them*, not for me to be good, but to give them something beautiful to feel and maybe feel touched or moved by or enjoy being absorbed in as it takes them, listening,.
Giving up on the constant focus on daily technical drills, I simply decided to try my best to give the audience something good, even if I am not good.
And once that changed, it changed everything, so quickly.
*Everything* changed. I wasn't playing things perfectly, but when I wasn't trying to play it perfectly and just trying to play something good as something to give to the people who may hear me, but I was no longer going to wait until I can play right before trying to make it something beautiful for the audience.
Instead of practicing scales every day I played songs I liked. Maybe playing along with my favourite singers and YouTube artists, like Daniel Jang.
My classmates and teachers were shocked. They were so positive and happy for me in this change, although confused about how this could happen all of a sudden. Maggie saying it out loud noticed and encouraged me. But it was so fast, what happened?
I gave credit to the new, non-leaky flute and felt bad about that later. (She was so nice, and that almost sounds like the opposite of what I meant bragging as if I was always good and the old flute was the problem, not the new one lifted me up).
I do hope that after everything though, she did know I really wasn't feeling high above anyone all of a sudden. I never had before and I wasn't starting them. But I was so happy to be playing music, and for people. It was thought he relief after so long of making my life in music about everything I am bad at, any of it for or about myself, it was about the audience's experience, and music being beautiful, instead.
This was the life lesson I gained:
Instead of trying to restricting yourself to accessing your strengths through your weaknesses, access your weaknesses through your strengths, and improve it from there.
This changed everything. And so fast.
It changed my music. My confidence. Relationships It changed my listeners' experience to it being about their patience with me as I reach for technical improvements where I am so, so bad, and instead this was kusr doing the best I can to give thod people something beautiful, *for them.*
I had been there, a hopeless cause. But standing there holding a beautiful instrument that love, anyway.
There is more happiness in giving than receiving.
Abd even though life keeps getting hard, these changes for the better never left. And in fact they have supported me through.
After I finally gave up, I finally fell in love with music all over again.
And, I love music still.
Edited (basically rewritten) Feb 23-24, 2026
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