Many people don't want friendship, they want approval.

Written 2022-04-25, published 2022-04-27

A Thousand Moons (Part 2, poem)

I always tried to be nice to old people,

Knowing that most of their best friends had died.

Yet never did I imagine,

We would say goodbye at 25.

The grief attacks will lessen they say,

But the pain always continue in waves.

But if I can’t change the past then I guess such waves are welcome;

I wouldn’t have it any other way.

We never completed each other,

And was was never the strongest friend.

But we were mirrored twins,

And I walked with you to the end.

I knew this day was coming,

But genuinely didn’t think it would be so soon.

So until I see you again my friend,

I’ll count a thousand moons.   

(Published 2022-04-27, written 2022-04-26)

~~

Monday was my first DNA day without you. 

If you are a time traveler

       If anyone is a time traveler, I beg that you please go back and find me on February 6, 2022, EST. My phone number from that time is (416) 948-9327 (call twice to break through do not disturb) and my email is melody6040@gmail.com. I’d post my home address but it is the internet, after all.

       Tell me you are a friend of a FiNe sis (if I don't get that right awy say my INFP), and no matter what is happening we need to go to her now and save her and involve everyone because by the end of this week she is going to kill herself.

        We must never leave her alone even for a moment.

        Please feel free to tell me how you know this. Her and I will both believe you, and I think her knowing these great lengths themselves will stop her.

          Please. I and many others would be so, so grateful.

"Today is my first DNA Day without her."

"Today is my first DNA Day without her. It is such a highly-specific thing, but amoung other things she was my language and anthropology buddy. While doing research on some proto-Mongol tribes this past week I may have found evidence for a mystery in anthropology -within what happened to be one of our friend's family clan book of all places- which I know she would have loved to dive into.

I've been afraid of returning to anything I enjoy, like this. Part of it is just not feeling like it, but for most of them because almost all of them are things I shared closely with her. But I guess this is part of what it means to keep moving forward with life, without forgetting.

It also prompted me to check my old DNA test profile for updates. This time it came with a similar funny story to something that happened with [her] results a few years ago....She was a mildly miffed about it ... and now I am in similar shoes.

It made me smile a bit, in a bittersweet way."

Written 2022-04-25, Published 2022-04-27

The Tragedy of The Rise of Phoenixes (***Spoilers in First Section***) & Ethical Optimism

(This section has major spoilers)

The reason of "it would be bad for Ning Yi as emperor" for him and Feng Zhiwei to marry doesn't make sense logically. And even if that was a legitimate concern, given their characters one would also think that they would find a creative solution, but deep down it feels like Feng Zhiwei being coerced to make that vow (and then even renewing it of her own accord later) is ultimately to blame.

A lot of the tragedy in this show is voiced in what Feng Zhiwei says on death row: that she wanted to change her own fate, but not like that. This theme is painfully reflected once again in their relationship, and how their same strong-willed spirits that draw them to eachother is exactly what stopped them from being married right when it was arranged by others at the start.

(Yes I posted this somewhere else on the internet, and may even post it again somewhere else. All you have is my word on it, but it's just an opinion it's not that serious either way. Honestly I'm so irrationally anxious about the idea of my online socials being linked to this blog as if any of it matters that I might remove this anyway.)

~~

(Only the last sentence of this section has spoilers)

Since this isn't a forum comment and I can write as much or as little as I please without feeling pressure, lets also turn this into a theme statement, just like in high school English:

A cost of exercising free will is regret.

Part of the philosophy of optimism is that we live in the best of all possible worlds, rooted in the thought that a loving God would surely put into motion a world that works out as the most optimal world.

I am not sure how strongly I'd cling to that assumption (especially claiming that that action is the only course for a loving God... it sounds like it makes sense to me right now but what do I know). But from this lens something I have thought about a lot is how perhaps it would be seen that all the suffering that has resulted in this world is the cost of the existence of free will. And that naturally, provided that the deleterious effects are temporary and are promised to be undone by God after the appointed time, with an eternity after of the claims that caused the suffering resolved it really could be said that this is the best of all possible worlds to live in; not because every step was predestined, but because of free will being granted to be exercised.

So while it has come with suffering and regret, a cost of temporary suffering and regret is contrasted with what it buys: free will paired with guaranteed eternal future where that pain is undone.

If you check out the comments associated with the account I used to repost the first portion of this post you can see a change in my thinking, and the timing should line up well with other posts on this blog tagged "Philosophy" and "optimism." (For this post, please don't mind the "personal essays tag. It's not a personal essay really but it's tagged this way just because of the potential for the topic to be used for one.)

That said... ever the optimist I am, under all this premise it also makes me see it that if Feng Zhiwei and Ning Yi were real, although we can't see it on Netflix now their story isn't really over. )

~~

After discussing this, it makes me think that perhaps positive-thinking can be smaller-picture and more immediate, while optimism relies on a bigger-picture.

"The Child Who is Not Embraced by the Village Will Burn it Down to Feel its Warmth" - African Proverb

"The Child Who is Not Embraced by the Village Will Burn it Down to Feel its Warmth" - African Proverb

This is a very well-written answer:

https://qr.ae/pvsDcb 

Gang Hao Yu Jian Ni (Just Met You) 刚好遇见你 Song by Li Yu Gang 李玉刚

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hYDXObkUP4E&list=RDMM&start_radio=1&rv=osdoLjUNFnA

Thank you YouTube's zoic Meso for the lyrics translation

Gang Hao Yu Jian Ni (Just Met You) - 刚好遇见你 - Đúng lúc gặp Người - Pinyin Lyrics with English / Vietnamese Translation, Vietsub, Lời Dịch

我们哭了 我们笑着

Wǒmen kūle wǒmen xiàozhe

We cried. We laughed

Chúng Ta Từng Khóc. Rồi Đây Lại Mỉm Cười 

我们抬头望天空

wǒmen táitóu wàng tiānkōng

We lift our heads towards the sky

Ngẩng Đầu Ngắm Tinh Không 

星星还亮着几颗

xīngxīng hái liàngzhe jǐ kē

A few stars are still shining there

Vẫn Còn Đó Những Ngôi Sao Lung Linh Tỏa Sáng 

我们唱着 时间的歌

wǒmen chàngzhe shíjiān de gē

We are singing the song of time

Chúng Ta Xướng Lên Ca Khúc Của Thời Gian 

才懂得相互拥抱

cái dǒngde xiānghù yǒngbào

To finally understand the mutual embrace 

Mới Hiểu Được Những Cái Ôm Trao Nhau 

到底是为了什么

dàodǐ shì wèile shénme

And what it was for

Rốt Cuộc Là Vì Sao... 

因为我刚好遇见你

yīnwèi wǒ gānghǎo yùjiàn nǐ

Because I just met you

Bởi Vì Đúng Lúc Gặp Gỡ Người

留下足迹才美丽

liú xià zújì cái měilì

Leaving behind the beautiful footsteps

Lưu Lại Những Dấu Ấn Mới Đẹp Làm Sao 

风吹花落泪如雨

fēngchuī huā luò lèi rú yǔ

The winds blowing

The flowers falling like it's rain

Gió Thổi Hoa Rơi Như Nước Mắt Tuôn Chảy 

因为不想分离

yīn wéi bùxiǎng fēnlí

Trying to avoid seperation 

Là Vì Không Muốn Chia Ly... 

因为刚好遇见你

yīnwèi gānghǎo yùjiàn nǐ

Because I just met you  

Bởi Vì Đúng Lúc Gặp Gỡ Người 

留下十年的期许

liú xià shí nián de qíxǔ

Leaving behind ten years of hope

Lưu Lại Lời Hứa Hẹn Mười Năm 

如果再相遇

rúguǒ zài xiāngyù

If we meet again

Nếu Có Duyên Tái Ngộ

我想我会记得你

wǒ xiǎng wǒ huì jìde nǐ

I believe will remember you

Tôi Tin Mình Vẫn Sẽ Nhận Ra Anh

我们哭了 我们笑着

Wǒmen kūle wǒmen xiàozhe

We cried, we laughed

Chúng Ta Từng Khóc. Rồi Đây Lại Mỉm Cười

我们抬头望天空

wǒmen táitóu wàng tiānkōng

We lift our heads towards the sky

Ngẩng Đầu Ngắm Tinh Không 

星星还亮着几颗

xīngxīng hái liàngzhe jǐ kē

A few stars are still shining there

Vẫn Còn Đó Những Ngôi Sao Lung Linh Tỏa Sáng 

我们唱着 时间的歌

wǒmen chàngzhe shíjiān de gē

We are singing the song of time

才懂得相互拥抱

cái dǒngde xiānghù yǒngbào

To finally understand the mutual embrace 

Chúng Ta Xướng Lên Ca Khúc Của Thời Gian 

到底是为了什么

dàodǐ shì wèile shénme

And what it was for

Rốt Cuộc Là Vì Sao... 

因为我刚好遇见你

yīnwèi wǒ gānghǎo yùjiàn nǐ

Bởi Vì Đúng Lúc Gặp Gỡ Người

Because I just met you

留下足迹才美丽

liú xià zújì cái měilì

Leaving behind the beautiful footsteps

Lưu Lại Những Dấu Ấn Mới Đẹp Làm Sao 

风吹花落泪如雨

fēngchuī huā luò lèi rú yǔ

The winds blowing

The flowers falling like it's rain

Gió Thổi Hoa Rơi Như Nước Mắt Tuôn Chảy 

因为不想分离

yīn wéi bùxiǎng fēnlí

Trying to avoid seperation

Là Vì Không Muốn Chia Ly... 

因为刚好遇见你

yīnwèi gānghǎo yùjiàn nǐ

Because I just met you

Bởi Vì Đúng Lúc Gặp Gỡ Người

留下十年的期许

liú xià shí nián de qíxǔ

Leaving behind ten years of hope

Lưu Lại Lời Hứa Hẹn Mười Năm 

如果再相遇

rúguǒ zài xiāngyù

If we meet again

Nếu Có Duyên Tái Ngộ

我想我会记得你

wǒ xiǎng wǒ huì jìde nǐ

I believe will remember you

Tôi Tin Mình Vẫn Sẽ Nhận Ra Anh

因为我刚好遇见你

yīnwèi wǒ gānghǎo yùjiàn nǐ

Because I just met you 

Bởi Vì Đúng Lúc Gặp Gỡ Người

留下足迹才美丽

liú xià zújì cái měilì

Leaving behind beautiful footsteps

Lưu Lại Lời Hứa Hẹn Mười Năm 

风吹花落泪如雨

fēngchuī huā luò lèi rú yǔ

The winds blowing

The flowers falling like it's rain

Gió Thổi Hoa Rơi Như Nước Mắt Tuôn Chảy 

因为不想分离

yīn wéi bùxiǎng fēnlí 

Trying to avoid seperation

Là Vì Không Muốn Chia Ly... 

因为刚好遇见你

yīnwèi gānghǎo yùjiàn nǐ

Because I just met you

Bởi Vì Đúng Lúc Gặp Gỡ Người

留下十年的期许

liú xià shí nián de qíxǔ

Leaving behind ten years of hope

Lưu Lại Lời Hứa Hẹn Mười Năm 

如果再相遇

rúguǒ zài xiāngyù

If we meet again

Nếu Có Duyên Tái Ngộ

我想我会记得你

wǒ xiǎng wǒ huì jìde nǐ

I believe will remember you

Tôi Tin Mình Vẫn Sẽ Nhận Ra Anh

因为我刚好遇见你

yīnwèi wǒ gānghǎo yùjiàn nǐ

Because I just met you

Bởi Vì Đúng Lúc Gặp Gỡ Người

留下足迹才美丽

liú xià zújì cái měilì

Leaving behind the beautiful footsteps

Lưu Lại Những Dấu Ấn Mới Đẹp Làm Sao 

风吹花落泪如雨

fēngchuī huā luò lèi rú yǔ

The winds blowing

The flowers falling like it's rain

Gió Thổi Hoa Rơi Như Nước Mắt Tuôn Chảy 

因为不想分离

yīn wéi bùxiǎng fēnlí

Trying to avoid seperation

Là Vì Không Muốn Chia Ly...  

因为刚好遇见你

yīnwèi gānghǎo yùjiàn nǐ

Because I just met you

Bởi Vì Đúng Lúc Gặp Gỡ Người

留下十年的期许

liú xià shí nián de qíxǔ

Leaving behind the ten years expectations

Lưu Lại Lời Hứa Hẹn Mười Năm 

如果再相遇

rúguǒ zài xiāngyù

If we meet again

Nếu Có Duyên Tái Ngộ

我想我会记得你

wǒ xiǎng wǒ huì jìde nǐ

I believe I will remember you

Tôi Tin Mình Vẫn Sẽ Nhận Ra Anh

A thousand moons (algebra) - 1,364

April 15, 2022 Memorial Night

There are 13 full moons once every two and a half years, or 2 years with 13 full moons every five years. So on mean average there are 12.2 full moons each calendar year in the Gregoria calendar. (12 every lunar year).

We were about 26 when it happened and I probably won’t live longer than 100, so let’s go with 100-26.

Let y be the horrible age

Old numbers

= (100-y)*(2 for mirroring)*(number of full moons in a year)

= (100-26)*2*[12+(2/5)]

= 74*2*12.2

= 1850

Edit: average life expectancy for a Canadian woman is 82.05 years. Why make this harder for myself going with 100, scratch 100 let’s go with 82.

Adjusted numbers

= (82-y)*(2 for mirroring)*(number of full moons in a year)

= (82-26)*2*[12+(2/5)]

= 56*2*12.2

= 1366

So while we don’t know exactly how it’ll work, I can make a soft plan to see you again in less than 1,366 moons.

It has already been more than 2 full moons, so less than 1,364 moons.

(Wow 1,366 already feels so much better than 1,850. The power of statistics.)

And as the adage goes, a day for a year.

1364/12 = 111.8

So in that way, 112 days. I can do that. I don't mind waiting, you're worth it.

(I’m the J, so makes sense ;p)

You promised to geek out with me about math, since we were in sync obsessing over math at the same time. This will be our starting point.

Lechuga.

This is a core meme 

Idea: make a meme called "core memes"

If you had to choose

If you had to pick between being able to trust someone’s mind or being able to trust their heart, which would you choose?

(~2020)

Modified Sesame Salad Dressing

Modified Sesame Salad Dressing

Based on Nona’s Japanese Creamy Sesame Salad Dressing by Rinshinomori/food.com

Ingredients

• 1/2 cup mayonnaise

• 1/2 cup plain 2% yogurt

• 2 tablespoon soy sauce

• 1 tablespoon sugar

• 2 1/2 tablespoon tahini

• 2 1/2 tablespoon roasted and ground sesame seeds

• 5 1/2 tablespoons rice vinegar

• 2 teaspoon sesame oil

• 1 teaspoon garlic powder

• 1 teaspoon mustard powder

• 1 1/2 teaspoon salt

• 1/4 teaspoon black pepper 

Add water gradually while whisking to desired consistency.

Directions

Blend all ingredients thoroughly. Refrigerate leftovers.

The thought that makes me cry the most

The possibility of someday being old without her this whole time.

It's too long.

April 7 Grief Thoughts (Just try harder / contagious)

Just try harder

I'm used to being able to just try harder to fix it.
There is a barrier? Just put in more work, more concentration. Catch up. 
But no matter how hard I try this time I can't fix it.
You think you can't do any more? Push harder. You have to sleep? Just stay awake. Just do it.
Never give up, never let up, only intensify.
But no matter how many nights I stay up, and no matter how hard I try, I still haven't gone back in time.

~~ ~~

They avoid me like I have something contagious
And I makes me wonder if maybe I do.
My Dearest Friend,
Did I somehow do this to you?
Did you get this from breathing the same air as me too much?
Despite my efforts to life you up, did I accidentally weigh you down?
~~
I don't want to move on enough to be the same person as I was. How could I?
What I want I cannot have. I want these last two months to have never happened.

~~ ~~

Re-published as one post 2022-04-11

"To the End of the Road" February 17 Letter Excerpts

....

Being in sync. Is this not what characterized our friendship? Being in sync for better or worse; including falling into the same pits at the same time, neither of us able to pull the other out though we try, because we can't even find our own way out of these mental traps. So we just sit there, keeping eachother company.

When you reappeared in my life though, it we were in sync in the worst possible ways. The timing could not have been worse.

I just couldn’t run for you anymore the way I used to. No matter how much I wanted to. I really did.

So I committed to walk with you, no matter how long or how short that road may be, no matter where the road may go.

But then, the day came when I couldn't even stand on own two feet; so I crawled, trying to stay by your side.

But it wasn’t enough, and you slipped away from me.

I’m so sorry I couldn’t be the friend you needed to lean on. I’m sorry I wasn’t strong enough.

~~

(later edits, when more words could flow)

Thank you for being my friend. A better friend than I could ever ask for, and a better friend than I know you ever imagined yourself to be. Always genuine, with unending kindness and ever-curious.

I love you.

Next time I’ll do better. I know you said you don’t know if God will deem you worthy of a second chance but I know He will. So when that happens please give me a second chance.

I miss you, and until then I always will.

Re-published 2022-04-11 15:53

Bittersweet mango juice

 Drinking the sweetest mango juice for a taste of paradise with you.

Does the average person really see themselves more attractive than average?

To the horror of many angsty teenagers, young adults, and less young adults in comments sections, a claim has been circulating around social media that the average person tends to over-estimate their attractiveness.

I'm not sure if on average people really think they are above average in terms of appearance.

From what I understand, that thought is based on the average self-rating being above 5, with the mode answer being 6 or 7. A figure saying this I would fully believe.

However, I think when asked about a scale of 1-10 people see 1 as extremely unattractive and 10 as extremely attractive absolutely as opposed to relatively, and therefore that a lot of people would rate the average person above 5. 

Also, on camera or when being asked by others I think a lot of people would be inclined to say a slightly higher number than they really think to avoid potential attention or avoid to being perceived as attention-seeking.

That said, while I don't think it necessarily is as poignant in determining how people percieve themselves as it is something taken, I do think that people being asked to rate themselves on a scale of 1-10 makes for an interesting social experiment, and even valuable one as it gives insight on how people approach the subject of self-image and how they feel in their own skin.

~~

Video: 100 People Tell Us How Hot They Are | Keep it 100 | Cut

“You are not running alone”

Thank you, Google's Blogger staff

Just wanted to say a big thank you to Blogger for restoring quotes as title placeholders, and just hosting all this in general.

I've added an extra personal acknowledgement to the attribution at the bottom of the blog so that a thank-you stays up permanently. This blog has seriously helped me immensely, and I have a lot of old posts without titles and it means a lot that the change was made so those posts can still be navigated <3

My Impression of Major Chinese Cities in Google images

Beijing has no water but more traditional buildings and green than shanghai

Shanghai has no green. Everything is red blue purple and grey and silver and black

Hong Kong is teal and has ships with beautiful sails

Xian is rich with traditional and religious art and at least one famous temple.

From entering "[city] landmarks" on google images.

People with autism / people with OCD meme

 

Originally for the phrasing I had "people with autism" on the left but some people with OCD are more likely to be comfortable assigned the person wearing a neutral-coloured t-shirt and by that I mean I have OCD and was scared of having the red shirt, so thank you friends with autism for bearing the burden of the red shirt for me.

Yes, "going to the moon" was what I used as a euphemism. 

Tradition and Loss

     I am starting to understand peoples’ attachment to tradition a bit more. It’s like a well-kept secret older people don’t want to burden us with before our time.

     When the people you love disappear from your life, you want to hold onto the things they did or that were in their life as a way to keep them with you.

      I feel ashamed of the times where a part of me looked down on people who seemed to me to be excessively attached to what they are used too, seemingly just because they are used to it instead of letting people just like what they like while I mind my own business; I softened much more towards this later, but especially as a teenager.

      I hadn't lost enough to understand yet, and did not empathize with you enough to figure it out. I'm sorry for this, though please understand sincerely that I hope that just like people in their lives are dynamic, that you are able to carry forward your love and good memories and things, while still allowing them to grow with you.

      For this is what life is, the part that we miss about them is right now in stead of being dynamic they are sleeping in our lives. However, while we keep them with us as they sleep, do I hope that you continue to dream.

Daniel Jang Stanning

Me: Tonight would be a good night to go to bed early.

Also me: *listens to Daniel Jang's instrumentals until 2:45AM*

~~

      I don't play violin, but I've played flute along with Daniel Jang's violin covers on many of the best days of my life, and the worst ones.

      Thank you Daniel for baring your soul to the world and sharing it through music. Someday I hope to play alongside you for real, whether in this world or the next.

Idea: Weekly Planner for Spiritual Activities

For anyone who is looking for suggestions, one of the biggest game-changers for me in therecent times has been using a separate mini planner dedicated specifically to record my spiritual activities.

I still use other planners to plan life in general, but keeping one separate and so strictly personal has been really helpful for my spiritual and emotional wellbeing over the past couple years. Writing down what I did for personal Bible study, volunteering, and other things that come up in life related to my relationship with God has become one of my favourite parts of the day.

It has enough order to help keep feelings of overwhlem and anxiety at bay -but it's still private so it doesn't feels regimented or confined by rules of what I can or can't include there. It gives me a very relaxed mental space to reflect, and has helped improve the quality of my prayers.

It's also nothing fancy; personally I like a weekly planner about  the size of my hand and bought the cheapest weekly one available, but for anyone who is thinking about it you can also print one or draw one out if you'd like.