Everything is always "be yourself and express your feelings! If you don't then you're allowing others to upset you and that's your fault!" Until you're expressing your feelings then suddenly it's "attention seeker" or "hey you have no right to feel that way".

Poem for my Love

My darling I look forward to loving you in every season and phase,

Knowing the way we spend our life is comprised of the way we spend our days.

To the moon and back, running around the globe,

This heart is yours to beat with, this hand is yours to hold.

I love your fire and all the light, the warmth that you give,

The heart and soul you pour out in all the ways you live.

Together we are electric; may our actions give thunderous shout,

For the things that most important, for what this life is about.

But I will also sit with you in the dark and through the nights when it rains,

For all the moons and their phases, as it waxes and it wanes.

Believe in yourself my darling, be happy as we love and grow,

You are my good gift on the winding road, wherever it may go.

Enslavement to The System Prevents Balance

 We have our own imperfection to wade through in finding balance. And further, the system is designed to make this balance difficult for us.

A money-driven society where the rich get richer and the poor get poorer makes it hard for us to keep up with life. It exhausts us to the point of mental laziness, taking mental-shortcuts, responding to issues with thought-terminating platitudes, restoring to indirect and long-term ineffective coping mechanisms instead of addressing problems.

Being chased by bills for needs, debt for investments, and pressure for social signals under threat of damage to our relationships or our self esteem.

This is fully intentional, to further enslave us to the financial system.

You cannot serve two masters.

Money does not always become one's master because of greed; sometimes it is exhaustion.

The antidote to the impossible? Faith; actively choosing a different master.

Balancing when and how to talk about things

 I need to learn to balance speaking my mind, versus not being too quick to speak things and bottom line points at a moment, or point in larger stream of time when they are not prepared to hear it properly. 

I am too prone to extremes this way.

I have had the benefit of having thought alone these lines already before speaking. Maybe they have not, and while their growth is not my responsibility it is my responsibility to do my best to read the room.

Balanced care is required for broader happiness

 In some personalities, when they neglect spiritual care the way they treat other people suffers.

If you neglect treating others well, your spiritual life inherently suffers.

Neglecting physical needs can impede your ability to take care of yourself mentally-emotionally.

Neglecting mental-emotional care can lead to neglecting physical needs.

And if you negligent in mental-emotional care but even after a long time it doesn't seem to affect your physical care, you should check whether you are an asshole who takes your unresolved issues on other people, and you are spiritually unhealthy.

Being responsible in one aspect supports us in being responsible in the others. Balance is required.

"Happy are those conscious of their spiritual need."

"Happy are the mild-tempered."

"Happy are the peacemakers."

Personal follow-up to "Reflect with Intention"

 Balance is required.

These days I have been physically moving slowly, but I am moving.

I have also been emotionally moving in ways that at first felt slow. But I am moving.

Physically I'm moving slowly lately for these such reasons: I am burnt out, it's making me sick. But it is also because am also making the choice to devote a lot of time and mental space to highly intentional and nuanced reflection that I had been avoiding because they are particularly heavy topics, and I have been very afraid of letting anything else give even a little bit.

Because we have a lot going on, and if underlying difficulties go neglected and unaddressed in favour of going through motions of everyday life, it will be a lot harder to catch up with the mental emotional debt accumulated than catch up with housework.

And someone can help me with catch-up on cleaning if I really need it. I won't go to zero, but I am humble enough to accept help if this is required to carve out the time to truly take off the old personality and put on the new one.

But my friends and family cannot take off the old personality and do my reflections for me.

I will do my best to be balanced about this and not all or nothing; I want the home to be in acceptable physical condition. And I will remind myself to be balanced, instead of spiraling into thought in ways that take me so deep that I am practically nonfunctional.

Lack of adequate physical upkeep (including but not limited to cleaning, nutrition, hygiene, budgeting) can and will impede mental and emotional progress.

But the other side of that coin is neglecting mental emotional upkeep can and will also impede one's ability to keep up with physical needs.

Neglecting to have my mind, heart, and spirit taken care of for this long has led to me being practically nonfunctional for periods of time that get longer and more intense the more problems snowball. So instead of just obsessively cleaning to compensate for emotions I am avoiding, I am doing my best to be relatively clean, while addressing difficult emotions, so that I can make progress and clean well without being so troubled to the point of sickness.

Reflect With Intention, Even if it is Hard

 This is controversial, but I do not believe shame is inherently bad. Polite pleasantries towards others alone do not make us kind, and I do not believe in rejecting the notion of conscience on the basis of unpleasantry towards ourselves.

When it's disproportionate however, shame can do the opposite of what it's supposed to.

If we just beat ourselves up every time we see our faults, are we really setting ourselves up to be able to learn and grow from it?

Instead of helping us feel an appropriate desire to do better next time, what can happen is we feel so much shame over our faults that it becomes too painful to touch. That pain, the way we punish ourselves for failing to take off the old personality as soon as we want to, could lead to us convincing ourselves that it is sufficient to to "just fake it til you make it."

This could help for superficial habits. But when certain parts of our personality run deep or involve a lot of emotions, truth is required to overturn the strongly entrenched things... Even if it means facing painful truths about ourselves, our past, our motivations.

Honest self-reflection can come with pain. It can take time we feel like we don't have because life is busy and it's hard to keep up as it is.

But if we neglect to carve out the time needed to honestly, intentionally, and sincerely address things that make us act in ways we don't want to act, one day we may wake up and find that we are a person we don't want to be.

Big Heads With Closed Minds Can Initally Help Us, but Eventually Hinder Us

Someone once wrote about how their life and character improved so much when they realized they didn't have to have a strong opinion on everything.

The *habit* of forming *strong* opinions on everything, even when we do not have the adequate insight, can hinder ourselves and even cause us to drag down those around us.

Of course we still ought to use our brains to the best of our abilities. But if hautiness taints our heart is can close our minds. And just as "Pride is before a crash" (Prov 16:18), having a big head + a closed mind will only drag us down.

I think I know why I'm so resistant to being assessed for autism now

 A double silver lining: recent events have given me opportunity to honestly and effectively (not compulsively) reflect on patterns in my own and others' behaviours and mindsets, with a view to reasonably improve.

The second part of this double silver lining, is I think I know why I am so resistant to potentially receiving an autism diagnosis.

1) the first part I know and avoid telling people: I have lumped too much of my identity into this gray Jedi notion of being some connector piece between autistic people and non-autistic people. I'm not totally sure if this comes more from a place of narcissism and wanting to be special, or more from a place of trying to be positive and make sense of feeling I neither belong amoung allistic nor autistic people.

2) the second part I also know and freely explain: it implies that I'm bad at communication and intuition, which I'm the opposite of so it doesn't feel right to accept a diagnosis that implies a major disability I very much do not have. It feels like putting myself down for no reason, and being a poser identifying with struggles I do not have.

3) The common presentation of autism in *pop psychology* is get diagnosed so you can feel free to be your true authentic self... and pressure everyone else to accommodate for you.

I'm not bad at embracing my true authentic self without an autism diagnosis, and I don't WANT to carry a word that comes with the implication of shifting more responsibility to other people. I want to be independent and take responsibility for myself.

And real psychology promotes that, but I have fallen prey to pop psychology that have shifted me to develop this unexpected prejudice towards potentially my own people... I AM FALLING PREY TO TIKTOK PROPAGANDA

 I'm not mad at them anymore, because I've learned to forgive so much worse on a constant basis it makes everything they did seem so small.

 But does it really make you a bad person? Are you really that bad for believing it when someone said they loved you?

Is a wildflower really that bad when it believes the herbalist who says they are beautiful?

Reframing having a wedding reception

 Just like he's gonna be happy to go on hikes or walks when the weather is bad because I want to, I can be happy to host to a party when the social weather is bad because he wants to

I think what we call psychic abilities are like the elemental archetypes monks in ancient China assigned to plants used for medicinal purposes, to express patterns they could observe but not explain.

As a society we have gotten so used to hiding who we are and having prejudices against one another, true expression and trustful understanding is so discouraged, that effective, vivid, beautiful, and emotional connection and communication is equated to fantasy.

But to some, this is life. And this is a part of life worth preserving.

~~

And it's not something I think we ought to over-explain, it's not something that has to be (or even should be) dissected as a science for risk of losing the flow. It's very basis and essence, after all, is to not replace feeling with more thinking.

Preserve the feeling. Preserve the mind, the heart, the gut and the hand and the dance it creates.

Excavating Sometimes Muddled Memories of Desiring to be Crystal Clear

 Remembering instances of being asked often as a young person until early adulthood if I am psychic, unearthed some forgotten memories.

It made me remember whatever it actually was in the past that was like telepathy. Because I am intuitive and genuine to my thoughts, and surrounded by impressionable and sensitive beings (other children and some others, who will play along with "if this was a movie" evoking images of learned archetypes) our intuitive and uninhibited verbal and nonverbal communication resembled something like telepathy. 

That is what it is.

We were just so true in our be expressions, vivid in or visions, and trusting in our perceptions.

This is what we could be.

There is something like magic in authenticity.

From before I started pretending to be clueless, and before I became more careful and reserved about what I indirectly expressed. 

Because for some reason, just as much as we fear what we do not understand, we fear what we do understand but cannot explain.

And somewhere along the way, my fear of being misunderstood became matched by this strange fear of being perfectly understood but rejected, not because they are really rejecting me, but they are rejecting themselves for understanding beyond their own expression.

I remember before hearing others fear people being able to see through them. I remember them telling me that's why people like me intimidate them a little and why they avoid me. Meanwhile, I honestly told them them their fear is my dream. For people to see right through me to who I am, like clear glass.

I wonder if that golden age of puns died of because we aren't friends or lovers with the people we used to share them with anymore.

And right years later, they are coming back now because that is the studied average time it takes for people to get over heartbreak.

Why wouldn't I repost a lost dog poster or lost child alert? Because someone might judge me as caring a lot?

They would be correct.

The key to moving on when there is no closure

 Accept it as a loss.

I have said before that if a friend or lover repeatedly is disloyal, plays with my feelings, or is disrespectful, I will walk away and never look back.

But the truth is, sometimes I do look back.

If I focus on remembering what I want to say in a conversation, short of divine intervention I'm hopeless.

If I focus on connecting, I can be useful.

Oh you wanna be health Hitler?

I can do that lol.

Literally everyone in society suffers from the notion that men are not supposed to be emotionally intelligent. 

My honest take on chivalry: I thought it before and I still think it now

Chivalry is just chauvinists cosplaying as good husbands and boyfriends to feel like they are still good people without having to actually respect women.

If only some people would put as much determination into building up themselves as they put into tearing down me, I wonder if they would like themselves more.

My mom used to warm me to be careful when dealing with very socially anxious people. She said some of them think everyone else is so harshly judgemental and critical of them because that's actually the way they look at other people.

I should have listened to her.

An intimidating goal

It's a little intimidating to have created the new recurring daily task today, "List something I love and appreciate about (him)".

Maybe because I don't like that I need it. Maybe because I'm afraid to face my own doubts. Maybe because I'm afraid of finding not as much of the problem can be blamed on my OCD as I'd like to think, and that there is actually a larger issue of compatibility. But I do feel that my other optimism-related tasks regarding my outlook on life and the world as a whole have brought me farther from my mental illness and much closer to being who I truly am again, restoring parts of myself that I thought were lost.

(The tasks, in the order I believe I added them progressively:

- find a silver lining

- list three good gifts

- repeat an affirmation (I usually choose two)

- replace "I should" with "I choose to"

- allow myself to feel my emotions without judgement (seems contradictory to optimism I know, but working in harmony with the others it creates more genuine positivity rather than toxic positivity)

- listen to a song that makes me feel good

- say something kind to myself as if I were a friend

- say one thing I like about myself (this one is difficult))

So I should do the same here, as I truly do feel it will make me love and feel more like myself in our marriage as well. And being more myself, being more true to myself, in love and marriage, for better or worse, is always actually better.

And in my heart, in spite of my fears I do believe that the more true I am to myself, the more truth there is brought to the fore the more love and compatibility will be found.

This kind of vulnerability is scary, but there is an image in my mind of excavating or digging up beautiful shells, corals, fossils on a beach. They are cracked and not perfect, sometimes they are partial, and the whole thing is full of surprise; but they are so beautiful, curious, and sparking wonder. As scary as that uncertainty is, this vision is so full of beauty and happiness.

Reverence and dress codes

 What is reverent to one person doesn't necessarily look the same as what's reverent to another person.

First of all, the norms we are used to are different, and "nice" is subjective when it comes to fashion. What is commonly considered/people have been trained to think is good-looking will vary in different places, communities, and situations based on unique experiences. This is subjective. 

Second, to some people, dressing up fancy is an expression of reverence for a person of occasion.

For other people like me, something more modest feels to conveys that more naturally. ("How does making myself look fancy and showing off myself show reverence for something or someone else?")

That said, I accept that the way other people express the same feeling may be different than for me, or that it may depend on the situation. And because of this, I will yield to others' preferences with it seems appropriate to do so in the situation.

What bothers me though is when people on one side assign the other's expression of reverence itself as inherently irreverent. 

Unless the person or thing on the receiving end has specified what sincerely communicates reverence and respect for them, I don't think typically anyone else would have much of a say in what a moderate deviance must mean to an individual unless that conclusion is informed by other insights.

This gives me an idea for an art project/social experiment.

 I was too in the moment to think to take a photo, but let the record state that I made scrambled egg and avocado breakfast burritos for breakfast this morning. It was my first time making these, and it was chosen not only to eat in the car but also because we were out of other bread.

The breakfast burritos were GOOD, but what is HILARIOUS is we completely unintentionally had unleavened bread for breakfast.

(There were other additives, but still 😭)

Oak Sedge - A Reddit request for help I will never post but am writing to help me brainstorm

 Hey all. My husband and I are looking for a house to buy with some of his family and I'd really like for us to not have a traditional invasive lawn.

However, the long story short is I'm up against a family member who has stated "I don't like trees, I like buildings", and had the family's last backyard paved over with concrete. (It doesn't end there, but I will stop talking there.)

So basically I have to nonchalantly convince nature-averse family that everything I suggest is going to save money and/or increase the value of the house. And, I have to be sure to execute it "perfectly" and conventionally visually appealing enough so they trust me with future decisions and I can continue my silent wild crusade unnoticed.

I'm thinking of pitching the idea of an oak sedge lawn. This would be accompanied with generous "organized-looking" native plant garden space with rain garden/drainage elements.

On the flower and rain garden note, since I will be the one maintaining it, as long as it stays ""looking good"" in a conventional sense I can probably get away with just doing it without consulting anyone else.

However I'm not familiar with oak sedge. I'm going to put full effort into continuing to research it, but if anyone knows other pros and cons other than these that would be good to be aware of it would be truly appreciated.

Pros:

• native to our area

• feeds birds, and caterpillars of 36 butterflies

• green colour will make it incognito amoung the surrounding lawns

• it can be trimmed a couple times a year for a manicured look, which everyone involved except me likes (🥲) - I can say, "it only needs to be mowed once or twice a year!!" (🥲🥲) (At least a light cutback can stimulate new growth)

• drought-resistant, and requires overall less water and less fertilizer than traditional lawnd

• semi-evergreen extends the green season, which will probably be liked by the people involved

• fallen leaf litter will not kill it (even though they have already informed me the leaves will be raked no matter what I say)

• Oak sedge spreads by rhizomes, so it can fill in bare spots and create a dense ground cover. 

• resistant to pests and diseases

• can grow in both shade and full sun (just supposed to water it less in shady areas, and once every week or two during how sunny periods)

"Cons"

• clump-forming, which the others will not loke

• it needs to be trimmed a little longer than typical lawn grasses

• over watering can lead to root rot

• needs to have consistently moist soil while getting estbalished

• it grows small (inconspicuous, but still visible flowers) for a short time (not a con to me, but to them) https://www.gardentap.ca/products/carex-pensylvanica-oak-sedge?srsltid=AfmBOopAB6qIOvE546l6PTQQzDIeXD

x8_kgXsuRm6R8aWdCbJ2vJOMKG

I am dust that became a wildflower most often sought after for medicine, but wishes to be loved for its colour.

We are each other's favourite superheroes.

He is Captain America. Idealistic, traditional, honourable, inclusive, and the boy who never let the size of his stature determine the breadth of his heart. 

I am Batman. A brooding, empathetic, strategic, and independent vigilante compelled to defend the innocent but can't stand to kill, and always has backup plans upon backup plans.

People are really starting to over-pathologize differences in thinking.

I am all for expanding our vocabulary and removing stigmas against disabilities and neurodivergence.

But people really need to careful not to call a shrimp colourblind over the fact that it sees more colours than you.

And before anyone jumps at my throat saying "oh are you shrimp Hitler now? You think shrimp are better than us??"

No. I'm saying that just because someone's feature or ability is different than yours, that doesn't mean they have a disability lol.

Living life on hard mode

 Sometimes I feel like I have to do things without taking care of myself first, that I have to do it on hard mode otherwise it "doesn't count"

Eg. I am struggling to finish my work and I am thirsty. But I have to finish this first before I am allowed to drink water.

Eg. I am severely depressed and anxious. Exercise is said to be good for working through mental health difficulties, but that feels like cheating. If I dont figure it out at full emotional intensity, then I haven't really addressed the problem.

Eg. I love reading my holy book, and doing so helps me work through life's difficulties, including with my relationships, emotions, and life choices. However, I am only allowing myself to do it when I'm feeling focused enough to give it the attention it deserves. This means I can't do it until my whole house is clean.

Eg. My goal is to do 40 push-ups. I have to do at least 42 or 43 for it to "count", just in case.

 Tonight I am living to listen to music. Tonight, I am listening to music to live.

Although today was hard, and not nearly as productive as I'd like in terms of housework, it was emotionally productive. We spent time doing quality reflecting on several important life lessons, and introspection was productive. This will make us better people and serve our future well.

The world doesn't owe me anything

 One of the best things Christianity has done for my mentality is it makes me less entitled, while also giving me self-worth.

And I recognize the way I think about this is going to be highly controversial, as it is counter to conventional rhetoric in pop psychology. 

But I am not *deserving* of better things. Me doing my best to be a decent human being does not make me "deserving" of any of life's luxuries.

That's just not the way the world works; it's not tit for tat. It doesn't owe me anything. ("The swift do not always win the race...")

All the good I get is God's undeserved kindness, evidence of the fact that even though I may not be deserving, I am unarguably of great value.

Even though I am imperfect, even though the world doesn't owe me anything, God has deemed me priceless.

He paid the highest price for me, for my unique self. 

The world doesn't owe me anything, so I do not become indignant when life doesn't go my way. But I am extremely, universally, intrinsically valuable; nothing and nobody else can replace me, and God gives and will continue me good gifts and perfect presents because even though he doesn't owe me anything, he values me.

And I am albeit slowly, learning to accept his good gifts gratefully.

We're All Gonna Die So It's Okay!

I don't feel entitled to a happy ending. The world doesn't owe me a happy ending for trying my best; I really haven't don't well enough to deserve that.

But I wish I could have had it anyway.

Oh well. I still have the undeserved kindness of God, and that is Good.

--

People deserving of a better life than the one I have are living and dying in Palestine right now.

It would be nice to enjoy certain things, but I'm not going to make a stink about what I "deserve" when I don't even deserve the good I have.

 Is it to be better to be loved as a stinkbug, or to be unloved as a butterfly?