A double silver lining: recent events have given me opportunity to honestly and effectively (not compulsively) reflect on patterns in my own and others' behaviours and mindsets, with a view to reasonably improve.
The second part of this double silver lining, is I think I know why I am so resistant to potentially receiving an autism diagnosis.
1) the first part I know and avoid telling people: I have lumped too much of my identity into this gray Jedi notion of being some connector piece between autistic people and non-autistic people. I'm not totally sure if this comes more from a place of narcissism and wanting to be special, or more from a place of trying to be positive and make sense of feeling I neither belong amoung allistic nor autistic people.
2) the second part I also know and freely explain: it implies that I'm bad at communication and intuition, which I'm the opposite of so it doesn't feel right to accept a diagnosis that implies a major disability I very much do not have. It feels like putting myself down for no reason, and being a poser identifying with struggles I do not have.
3) The common presentation of autism in *pop psychology* is get diagnosed so you can feel free to be your true authentic self... and pressure everyone else to accommodate for you.
I'm not bad at embracing my true authentic self without an autism diagnosis, and I don't WANT to carry a word that comes with the implication of shifting more responsibility to other people. I want to be independent and take responsibility for myself.
And real psychology promotes that, but I have fallen prey to pop psychology that have shifted me to develop this unexpected prejudice towards potentially my own people... I AM FALLING PREY TO TIKTOK PROPAGANDA
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