An intimidating goal

It's a little intimidating to have created the new recurring daily task today, "List something I love and appreciate about (him)".

Maybe because I don't like that I need it. Maybe because I'm afraid to face my own doubts. Maybe because I'm afraid of finding not as much of the problem can be blamed on my OCD as I'd like to think, and that there is actually a larger issue of compatibility. But I do feel that my other optimism-related tasks regarding my outlook on life and the world as a whole have brought me farther from my mental illness and much closer to being who I truly am again, restoring parts of myself that I thought were lost.

(The tasks, in the order I believe I added them progressively:

- find a silver lining

- list three good gifts

- repeat an affirmation (I usually choose two)

- replace "I should" with "I choose to"

- allow myself to feel my emotions without judgement (seems contradictory to optimism I know, but working in harmony with the others it creates more genuine positivity rather than toxic positivity)

- listen to a song that makes me feel good

- say something kind to myself as if I were a friend

- say one thing I like about myself (this one is difficult))

So I should do the same here, as I truly do feel it will make me love and feel more like myself in our marriage as well. And being more myself, being more true to myself, in love and marriage, for better or worse, is always actually better.

And in my heart, in spite of my fears I do believe that the more true I am to myself, the more truth there is brought to the fore the more love and compatibility will be found.

This kind of vulnerability is scary, but there is an image in my mind of excavating or digging up beautiful shells, corals, fossils on a beach. They are cracked and not perfect, sometimes they are partial, and the whole thing is full of surprise; but they are so beautiful, curious, and sparking wonder. As scary as that uncertainty is, this vision is so full of beauty and happiness.