How Personal "Innocence" Can Make You Gullible, Even When You Think You Have Learned

 I think the reason why some even generally perceptive people get entangled with the very worst of liars, is because the most extreme liars don't have a speedbump to the lie.

Other people change up a bit, even just a little, when they lie. And perceptive people can see that the little change that happened there.

But for the biggest liars in the world who have little to marginal value of honesty for the sake of honesty or respect, the way they talk when they lie is just the way they talk all the time.

And additional layer can be added to this challenge, when the person being lied to also is not someone inclined to lie themsleves to begin with. This can make them over-reliant on needing to see signs in the other person's behaviour, because actually putting themselves themsleves in someone else's shoes, is much less likely to help them infer that lying is even on the table for that other person, let alone a probable choice.

~~

Oct 8/2025 clarifications:

Clarified nuance: this does not imply that a person is less honest if they do not end up tricked by severe liars. Rather, my point about inclination to never lie is more about mental mind-mapping and information processing, not the character trait of being honest.

       There are honest people who choose who honesty even though their mind map of decision making does present lying as a viable option. (They just choose not to). However, being able to see that map can also be used to save themsleves from the very sneaky liars who don't show it, whereas the other people who have the more narrow mind-map that just doesn't produce the lying option to begin with in analyzing a situation.

~~

Clarification on my hesitation to post:

I didn't post it before because I was afraid of this being found and used as a basis to say I have fully believed something in my own life that I had not concluded, but was rationally considering as a possibility, and also considering to be more possible than I wanted to admit.

      Please understand that this is not a conclusion about an autobiographical event, or even about one event in particular. It is something that was put into words, shared to comfort a longtime friend of mine, and now that I feel more free from my own worries feel okay to put here.

The Monster That Wakes

Helplessness can awake other monsters of different names, or the same name. Helplessness can awake helplessness. But amoung many other things, helplessness can also awake hopelessness. 

      And especially when there are many monsters around, it is a very bad time to be found with all hope lost.

       This must not be allowed.

       On the other side of tackling hopelessness is the freedom to fight another day.

        Hold onto hope, and where you truly can, faith.

 "Rejoice in the hope. Endure under tribulation. Persevere in prayer." - Romans 12:12 

'Nico'

When I read Revelation chapter two the other day I thought of something related to tøp's Clancy and Dema story.

      I think the Clancy story may have been partly inspired by Revelation 2. Think 2:6, 'Nico'.

"Nevertheless, I hold this against you, that you have left the love you had at first. 5 “‘Therefore remember from where you have fallen, and repent and do the deeds you did at first. If you do not, I will come to you, and I will remove your lampstand from its place, unless you repent. 6 Still, you do have this in your favor: that you hate the deeds of the sect of Nic·o·laʹus, which I also hate....

"8 And to the angel of the congregation in Smyrʹna write: These are the things that he says, ‘the First and the Last,’ who became dead and came to life again: 9 ‘I know your tribulation and poverty—but you are rich—and the blasphemy by those who call themselves Jews and really are not, but they are a synagogue of Satan. 10 Do not be afraid of the things you are about to suffer. Look! The Devil will keep on throwing some of you into prison so that you may be fully put to the test, and you will have tribulation for ten days. Prove yourself faithful even to death, and I will give you the crown of life."

- Revelation 2:4-6, 8-10

~~

A fan-made compilation to walk a listener through the Dema and Clancy story/lore:

https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=mQpCLxR9m2M&si=TZr5CQwUeFwhlB-R

Another Calmdown (this time starting with 'Truce' // tøp)

 (This time, the song is Truce by Twentyone Pilots. As it has been before.)

I think of those I love most and who love me. In spite of the suffering, I have been given this much free.

     Also all the beauty of nature, the opportunity to create and express and understand. To give. And be.

      The world is bad and it gives bad things to being, but being itself is not bad. 

      The world is bad, but there are many good gifts anyway.

      The best things in life really are free.

"Do not be amazed at this, for the hour is coming in which all those in the memorial tombs will hear his voice and come out" - John 5:28,29

The peace of God that excels all understanding...

 "Do not be anxious over anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication along with thanksgiving, let your petitions be made known to God; and the peace of God that surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and your mental powers by means of Christ Jesus." - Philippians 4:6,7

      It can be said that I now personally understand the "surpasses all understanding" part of that peace on a new level from what I did before. 

      In its own respective way every answer seems more beautiful than the last, or maybe I should say in its own way each answer is incredibly beautiful.

      I keep going, "just, wow." Which is such a strange, stumped-sounding thing to say.

      But it can also be said that while life has left me in disbelief in a horrible way many times, in brilliant and wonderful moments God keeps leaving me in disbelief of the depth of his love.

      (And in some moments, of the love that can be reflected by others and indirectly, as well. The way I heard a friend say it before was likening reflecting God's love, like the glass on the moon reflects the light of the sun. It may not be so big and powerful, but together creates a beautiful and brilliant glow in the night sky. I really appreciate others who reflect that love, too 🤍)

~~

Also this is a bit more random, but this reminds me of something a different friend shared with me.

      At the time I was in very extreme fresh grief.

      I had actually come to strongly resent the image of a candle, being used on my friend's memorial page and on a support forum I was on. It seemed so flimsy, how could we possibly face this immense darkness with just a little candle?

      And then my friend shared this with me: that God's hope is not like a mere candle, but rather it is like the warm and brilliant rays of the morning sun, lighting up our lives.

      I will probably continue to keep most private by default, but I want to put this down here. So many times God showed he heard me in the most comforting, strengthening, genuine ways. 

      Words fall short, and I just cannot thank him enough.

Advice for Woman Considering Marriage

If you get the feeling something is off, the validity of that feeling is NOT contingent on your ability to express it or articulate why.

(Even to yourself, let alone anyone else.)

~

A man treating his mother well does NOT mean he will treat you the same.

~

Weird women: don't fall for someone who you have a tiny inkling that in spite of what he is saying verbally, he might actually judge and devalue you based on superficial, extrinsic things and status, even though you are only talking to him in the first place because you are one of the few people who avoids judging people like him based on superficial, extrinsic things or status.

      (Avoid insecure men who after a point instead of appreciating you may instead try to take the opportunity to finally degrade someone else to a lower value than he has been made to feel... With that person being you!)

 "The pen is mightier than the sword."

        Words have always been my weapon of choice. They have been my main chance to prevent physical violence, social violence. 

~~

"Life and death are in the power of the tongue". (Proverbs 18 something).

        I do this for the sake of life, and for fulfilment. But sometimes my mental health problems to make it hard to keep my view of this balanced and in perspective.

September 23-26

Highlight from Ecclesiastes

 "I applied my heart to knowing wisdom and to knowing madness and to knowing folly, and this too is a chasing after the wind." - Ecclesiastes 1:17

In chapter 2, many different ways that people try to find fulfilment, or different types of people, are mentioned. A person who prioritizes hard work may sympathize with verse 12. A person who seeks power and recognition is described in verse 7. A person in verse 12 prioritizes understanding human nature. A person in verse 1 tries to live in the moment.

      However, ultimately they all face one frustration.

      When we meet someone new at work or in the ministry, this can remind us that no matter how different from us they may seem, on the most ultimate level we are more alike than we are different. We all need Jehovah just as much as the next person, and this can help us humbly serve others.

Even human selfishness cannot outpace God's love

"Even Pharaoh’s own son was dead. Pharaoh could not take it anymore." - Learn from the Bible.

 (See Exodus 11:30, vs John 3:16)

Even Pharaoh's committment to a plan of selfish greed would be broken before Jehovah's committment to a plan of unselfish love.

"At that time those who fear Jehovah spoke with one another, each one with his companion, and Jehovah kept paying attention and listening. And a book of remembrance was written before him for those fearing Jehovah and for those meditating on his name. 17 “And they will be mine,” says Jehovah of armies, “in the day when I produce a special property. I will show them compassion, just as a man shows compassion to his son who serves him. 18 And you will again see the distinction between a righteous person and a wicked person, between one serving God and one not serving him.” - Mal 3:16-18

      This comforts me on more than one level.

      Aware that I am limited, I gather as much knowledge and insight, beyond myself, as I can. And then really try to process that information on my mind, to the best of my ability. And I pray about it.

      And that is all I know how to do anything anymore.

      I feel like I listen and listen and listen, then think and think and think. But I'm still so dumb. I can listen all I want, but people can still lie to me, and I myself will still fall short again and again.

     And then what can I do?

     There's something so comforting know that Jehovah is listening even for me too when I reach out to honour him. That he is listening very, very carefully, to find the good in me (of all things), even to remember me.

       And I love that I dont have to try to discern if Jehovah is lying to me. While of course I still must listen carefully, when I listen to Jehovah it's only to understand more of what he really does want me to know, not to figure out something he is trying to hide from me.

       I love that with Jehovah I can really just listen carefully to obey and to understand him better, not to try to protect myself from him tricking me.

       I love that I can trust him. That he loves me, so much he gives me kindness that I don't even deserve. I don't have to earn his love with things I cannot do; I love that he appreciates my best even though it's imperfect and even though honestly I'm pretty sure I'm just garbage.

       He doesn't lie and hurt me and say I deserve it. He is so kind to me even when I don't deserve it. Because he really loves me.

       And I love him.

       How could I not?

How a moment can change

From this: 

I'm so tired of this life, crying in laundry rooms. Please just let me die.

...

To this:

Idk why but Billie Eilish's song TV is in my head now. I don't usually listen to her, but for some reason this feels comforting right now.

      Maybe I'm just overwhelmed and need space. Space from others, and particularly space from disappointment that I don't feel loved and like everything is fixed overnight like that...

      Maybe I can pray again, now.

...

To eventually this:

(my TMJ has my jaw stuck open one side since Friday night)

no, I shouldn't have to say "I have a boyfriend" (rant)

Once when a stranger at work asked me out I told him "aw thank you but I'm not emotionally available right now."

When my male coworker came by to ask how I ended it and I told him, he said it was very rude of me and not the way to do it. Another man in my life said the same thing. I asked them and a couple other men what the right way to answer is then, and their complete lack of a definitive answer made it very clear that the only right answer that doesn't make me Bad is apparently "yes".

(Yes, I did voice that last part. No, they did not like it. And no... They never did come up with "the right answer.")

Double Double

Where I live in Canada we have a thing people call Double Double.

It's taking your coffee with two sugar and two cream.

It feels appropriate because people say we are nice.

Many days I can't say I agree, but others I will say we are nice but we are not kind, and this is the difference I mean.

I take my coffee resentfully.

My closest friends once said I am semi-sweet chocolate, but I don't know if they'd say that anymore.

People want me sweet like sugar and soft like cream,

But in a life were my day starts with swallowing bitterness.

When I tell people I drink coffee every day, and they ask how I like it,

I tell them "I don't the taste at all it but I take it iced."

"Why?"

"Hot coffee makes me throw up too much, but I need the caffeine."

The silence that comes after when they don't talk over me and my reasons this time is comforting. 

Out of the people here who takes their coffee black like your heart and won't stop saying it,

I'd be curious to know if you agree.

Double double triple triple black like your heart milk instead of cream,

It really shouldn't matter if we prefer coffee or tea. 

I value you for you and you value me for me,

This is how I think it should be.

Most weeks there is at least one day I drink coffee til I vomit,

The alternative is that stop gulping it down and just cry until I sleep.

Most weeks there is at least one day I drink coffee til I vomit,

The alternative is to stop gulping it down and just cry until I sleep.

I really don't want to be angry,

Each day I list things to be grateful for.

But it is becoming harder and harder to get by

Just by looking on the bright side anymore.

Today I vomited two times already, in a way this poem will make it three.

So for now we may have to settle with I will be less bitter when I don't have to drink coffee til I vomit anymore,

And instead I can just drink tea.

Selective not in honesty, but in compliance

My strong preference and basic default is to be selective in my compliance, rather than selective in my honesty. 

~~

I am aware the ratio isn't like this for everyone, and am usually still patient and overall appreciative towards others who aren't just like me this way, in spite of our differences. But I am getting frustrated with how often that same patience is not extended back towards me.

~~

This reflection was triggered by a very frustrating set of incidences in a medical setting where my clarifying questions on someone's weird clarifying questions was obfuscating a medical process for no good reason.

By the middle of the second round, I just stopped and said, "no," escalating to a repeated "no, it will be fine".

If someone is going to make my life THIS unnecessarily difficult one response to me being honest and compliant, after a point I will just stop being compliant.

~~

Lol it takes me a while to get there sometimes, but I love that moment when I remember that I don't have to start being dishonest to start being noncompliant.

(Don't get me wrong, I'm not a rebellious person or promoting a contrarian attitude. But sometimes people are simply unreasonable or push too far, and it's not something you get to control. But, in many cases you can still have integrity without cooperating with things that are not right for people to be demanding.)

Random pics of my Finch loving Japan just for the sake of happiness

I have done my "three good gifts" listing for today. "Three" spilled into so, so many more, especially for the love of people in my life though there is even more, and I already feel weight off my breath.

I feel better.

It's Okay to Want to be Loved

Good gifts all around

Tomorrow (my tonight's) text:

[While I tend to do my personal Bible reading at various or more random times depending on the day, I say "my tonight's" text because rather than read the daily text in the morning, I prefer to read the next day's at night. Night owl club 🦉🌙)

Friday, September 19

Continue loving one another.—1 John 4:7.

This is the longest I've gone without washing my hair. (This is unusual but my OCD is being weird about this, making me think I will increase my chances of messing something important up if I wash my hair "too early".)

It felt nice coming across this post 💜

"May I now find peace?"

🌼🍵🪻

"You're in sleep mode, so consider closing Instagram. Will notify you later about any messages you get."

Strong enough to hold this Heavy Heart of mine

Yes, I am extremely sensitive. I feel deeply the weight of the world and the weight of things within my own life. I listen closely to what is said and can feel impacts of things that are not.

So most of the time my heart is very heavy with feelings, and my mind carrying many thoughts that keep reflecting upon themselves sometimes leaves my head hanging low.

But.

My heart is very heavy, but Jehovah is strong enough.

He is my strength and my stronghold, and he will make me firm, he will make me strong.

I don't have to be angry

New take you [and I] may have mixed emotions on

Revelation 17:17

Jehovah putting that into their hearts. Ultimately is that a gift or a curse to his servants?

I have said many times I tend to be extremely good at predicting outcomes, but very wrong about how fast those outcomes come

That opening [of this broader issue to people who can help] is fresh. [Everyone] is feeling everything [what they should be] a lot

And I have been sick with worry over having to stretch this out and keep enduring what this is as it progresses slowly.

This is definitely speeding it up.

What comes after Revelation 17:17 is not the day of his worshippers' anger where they get vengeance for themselves, it's the day of his. I have to be confident as a lion (Proverbs 28:1), but Jehovah can take on the anger part for me, righteously.

I cannot say for sure, but it is a possibility Jehovah allowed [the aggressor] to give in to the most obviously crazy compulsion at this point to create an inevitable diverging of the river now, while [the person I need to do the right thing the most] has the wind in his sails to take the right path.

It may be the case or maybe not, but either way I need to have faith that ultimately Jehovah will make the way out.

~~

(formerly titled: A series of messages that may impact my life.)

I hate when people who have done bad things say 'oh don't drag me through the mud' and they mean figuratively.

Yeah no kidding I'd much rather have to drag you through mud physically.

Would be a lot simpler for me if that was the actual appropriate response 🙃🙃🙃🙃

~~

Okay, I have to explain the context of all this so nobody things I actually have any compulsion or desire to act violently. (I don't, I just am so frustrated with everything else that is just as bad but more complicated, what I used to go through is starting to not feel not so bad anymore).

The strangest thing has happened.

Backstory: I have CPTSD from ongoing verbal, sexual, and physical assault from boys in my school as a kid. I had to defend myself physically all the time, and I also felt that well it's good I can do this for myself, but the other girls in my school are no more deserving of such violence as I am so I should defend them too.

So I used to basically chase down assailants until they were too tired, take him out by the knees, and drag him across the grass and dirt towards the meanest teacher on duty. I knew not a single teacher would do anything (my grade 8 teacher, L.M. wasn't in the school yet), but the boys didn't and I would only let them go when they begged for mercy and an opportunity to apologize to the girl he assaulted.

The strange thing: my old nonliteral/symbolic- based CPTSD triggers are not triggering anymore. And I think it's only half from healing, and the other half from just being damaged so much more now, in situations where it's much more complicated than just physically fighting back, that the old stuff is paling in comparison. (Which is a bit of a sad reason to not be triggered by something objectively arbitrary anymore).

I hate saying that it took someone doing much worse things to me to forgive some people who hurt me really badly before.

Namely, it took being constantly and severely mistreated by an intimate partner to truly forgive an ex who cheated, and a situationship who ghosted after my closest friend died. (I already forgave the ex who ghosted).

I hate that I don't even have any bad feelings to them anymore. Or at least, I hate why.

Title: When Honesty Is Just a Coincidence (Headline: Adult Lady Realizes 'Christians' Lie)

I hate dishonesty with a passion.

      My patience with certain people is running dangerously thin. And the people I'm talking about are ones whose default response is not honesty, but whatever feels most convenient to getting them what they want.

     I have come to the immensely horrible realization that for some people, at this rate when their response is actually the truth it's just a coincidence.

      That when they speak truth it's because in that case it coincides with getting them what they want when they want it, not because their conscience or respect for the person they are talking to compels them to give a real answer.

~~

      Hebrews 13:18, be honest in all things.

      Yes, God lets us use a variety of principles to discern what the right thing to do is. But being dishonest is flat out not a day-to-day option or something okay to use for convenience or selfish gain for a servant of God.

       And the crazy thing is so many of these people say they believe in God.

       Do they actually think God does not hear or care about you lying to people (sometimes people you even claim to love), or do they not believe in God and this is just another one of their lies to get themselves what they want?

Fake happiness vs real sadness, and some things going wrong

 In some moments fake happiness is worse than real sadness. 

       But also, just because some things go bad, that doesn't mean everything has to be bad.

Proverbs 30 - My New Favourite Chapter

Balance, honesty, modesty, self-awareness, faith, and avoiding hypocrisy?

~~

Proverbs 30

The weighty message contained in the words of Aʹgur son of Jaʹkeh, which he spoke to Ithʹi·el, to Ithʹi·el and Uʹcal.

 2 I am more ignorant than anyone else,

And I lack the understanding a man should have.

 3 I have not learned wisdom,

And I do not possess the knowledge of the Most Holy One.

 4 Who has ascended to heaven and then descended?

Who has gathered the wind in the palms of both hands?

Who has wrapped up the waters in his garment?

Who has established all the ends of the earth?

What is his name and the name of his son—if you know?

 5 Every saying of God is refined.

He is a shield to those taking refuge in him.

 6 Add nothing to his words,

Or he will reprove you,

And you will be proved a liar.

 7 Two things I ask of you.

Do not withhold them from me before I die.

 8 Remove untruth and lies far from me.

Give me neither poverty nor riches.

Just let me consume my portion of food,

 9 So that I do not become satisfied and deny you and say, “Who is Jehovah?”

Nor let me become poor and steal and dishonor the name of my God.

10 Do not slander a servant to his master,

Or he may curse you and you will be found guilty.

11 There is a generation that curses its father

And does not bless its mother.

12 There is a generation that is pure in its own eyes

But has not been cleansed from its filth.

13 There is a generation whose eyes are so haughty

And whose eyes look so arrogantly!

14 There is a generation whose teeth are swords

And whose jaws are slaughtering knives;

They devour the lowly ones of the earth

And the poor from among mankind.

15 The leeches have two daughters that cry, “Give! Give!”

There are three things that do not get satisfied,

Four that never say, “Enough!”

16 —The Grave and a barren womb,

A land that is deprived of water,

And fire that never says, “Enough!”

17 The eye that mocks a father and despises obedience to a mother

—The ravens of the valley will peck it out,

And the young eagles will eat it up.

18 There are three things that are beyond my comprehension,

And four that I do not understand:

19 The way of an eagle in the heavens,

The way of a serpent on a rock,

The way of a ship in the open sea,

And the way of a man with a young woman.

20 This is the way of an adulterous woman:

She eats, she wipes her mouth;

Then she says, “I have done nothing wrong.”

21 There are three things that make the earth shudder

And four things it cannot endure:

22 When a slave rules as king,

When a fool is glutted with food,

23 When a hated woman is taken as a wife,

And when a servant girl takes the place of her mistress.

24 Four things on earth are among the smallest,

But they are instinctively wise:

25 The ants are not strong creatures,

Yet they prepare their food in the summer.

26 The rock badgers are not mighty creatures,

Yet they make their house in the crags.

27 The locusts have no king,

Yet they all go forward in formation.

28 The gecko lizard clings with its feet,

And it goes into the palace of a king.

29 There are three things that have an impressive stride,

Four that are impressive as they move:

30 The lion, the mightiest among beasts,

Which does not retreat from anyone;

31 The greyhound; the male goat;

And a king whose army is with him.

32 If you have foolishly exalted yourself

Or if you have schemed to do so,

Put your hand over your mouth.

33 For as the churning of milk produces butter

And the squeezing of the nose produces blood,

So the stirring up of anger produces quarrels.

Blown away

Technical practice can give someone the hands of an artist; but only sincerity can give one the heart.

As you may know, I have friends with both.

I am so truly blown away. My friend, E, painted this as a gift and oh my did she capture it. Not only in colour and in shape, but in soul.

This painting is genuinely beautiful both in an aesthetic sense, and because of the heart it came from.

I cannot stop looking at it or weighing whether to tell her how much I hoped to someday have a painting of this bouquet. Because it sounds so unbelievable I don't want her to question whether any of this is a stretch, but this is actually such a perfect present, from a perfectly thoughtful friend, and executed in a perfectly artistic way I want to photocopy it and put it everywhere and on everything.