I hate when people who have done bad things say 'oh don't drag me through the mud' and they mean figuratively.

Yeah no kidding I'd much rather have to drag you through mud physically.

Would be a lot simpler for me if that was the actual appropriate response 🙃🙃🙃🙃

~~

Okay, I have to explain the context of all this so nobody things I actually have any compulsion or desire to act violently. (I don't, I just am so frustrated with everything else that is just as bad but more complicated, what I used to go through is starting to not feel not so bad anymore).

The strangest thing has happened.

Backstory: I have CPTSD from ongoing verbal, sexual, and physical assault from boys in my school as a kid. I had to defend myself physically all the time, and I also felt that well it's good I can do this for myself, but the other girls in my school are no more deserving of such violence as I am so I should defend them too.

So I used to basically chase down assailants until they were too tired, take him out by the knees, and drag him across the grass and dirt towards the meanest teacher on duty. I knew not a single teacher would do anything (my grade 8 teacher, L.M. wasn't in the school yet), but the boys didn't and I would only let them go when they begged for mercy and an opportunity to apologize to the girl he assaulted.

The strange thing: my old nonliteral/symbolic- based CPTSD triggers are not triggering anymore. And I think it's only half from healing, and the other half from just being damaged so much more now, in situations where it's much more complicated than just physically fighting back, that the old stuff is paling in comparison. (Which is a bit of a sad reason to not be triggered by something objectively arbitrary anymore).