Internal vs external validation first

 I know we often say people search for or rely on external validation because they lack confidence in themsleves. But honestly I think every human really does draw from both to a degree, but some people do go straight to the external for the bulk of their validation, while others only turn outwards so much when they have already tried onwards but the inside conclusion is that you are worthless.

It's not that one way is okay and the other isn't, it just seems like not everyone is that introverted though they their natural first thing to rely on is always confidence built in oneself  rather than external validation. And even introverts also need external validation, but maybe not as much or it's not as big of a first choice.

Or maybe I'm totally off. Idk.

 Read today: Isaiah 43, because of the waters will not flood over you. It just felt right today, for both the beauty and the danger of waters. 

A Secret

I've known every mental abnormality I've ever been diagnosed with by myself. It was always me figuring it out by myself then asking the doctor, and then the doctor says what I've already known for years.

It started at 12 years old, realizing I had to have some form of bipolar disorder.

It would take over ten years for me to have it confirmed by professionals, but I always knew.

This one though I have known since I was 16 years old, spending my lunches reading psychology books on the library seeking to understand what is wrong with everyone so I can be not mad at them, including myself.

More than a decade later, I am thinking of not hiding it anymore.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DLY54ygvuJS/?igsh=MWZkNTA2NWZqZmc5dQ==

I don't know, though. For some reason the other labels I was happy to have confirmation on, but I think it's because I actually do see those as illnesses, real limitations as the label implies. 

But with this one, it would be accepting a label that connotates that my way of thinking is inherently deficient compared to a neurotypical person's, which I just think is not true at all.

Neither way of thinking is inherently "better", they're just different and they don't need to be ranked. And I don't like this idea that in this dynamic where the other kind insists they are superior and that in itself leads them to mistreat people like me, that by some weird mental gymnastics the conclusion is I have a "developmental disorder" instead of concluding that the people who can't behave themsleves have a behavioural disorder.

 Doing something well does not buy someone the right to be mean to someone struggling.

But it is especially mind boggling when people who are judging you aren't aren't even good at what they are judging you for themselves.

A life lesson: People can only be honest with you about their feelings, to the extent that they are honest with themselves.

Remember: People can only be honest with you about their feelings, to the extent that they are honest with themselves. 

~~

I wasn't always this stubborn. I never wanted to trust my intuition of people's thoughts and feelings and motives over what they explicitly say about them. I was never out for some crown of "I know people better than they know themselves." That's not the world I want. That's not the weight I want.

But life has created this unfortunate pattern of worse and worse things happening the more I trust what most people say about themselves over what I read off them.

I'm scared of the day when I am actually wrong and they are trying to tell me but I don't believe them because I was always right to not believe them before. And I hate this.

A gift/silver lining of my own to acknowledge:

When you have a body that doesn't always work properly, or were born into societal or other physical disadvantages that made being mentally lazy never an option it disciplines you into excelling cerebrally or emotionally in ways you might not have chosen yourself. 

In this way, I received the better portion than people traditionally considered more priviledged.

And it would appear that the biggest irony of today's series is that I need to pray for more patience.

 It is actually insane how some people think the very things in them that are faults, their imbalances that others must be patient with, are in themselves basis for them to feel superior to others.

[Rant] An Angry, Open Letter To Spoiled People

You are part of the unaware majority who acts according to the belief that you are deserving of more than what is offered you.

I am not.

I believe that if I got what what I deserved, if any of us got what we deserved, we would simply die after living a short, meaningless life full of equivalent suffering to what we ourselves perpetrate with our excessive, materialistic lifestyle.

I am of the minority who believes the world doesn't owe me anything, and that what I have is already the result of underserved kindness of God and others who reflect God's kindness. That broadly the presence of anything good in my life is in itself a gift.

It makes me recognize that even when I'm not happy or don't get everything I want, that alongside any natural disappointment I still ought to be grateful for the good that has been given to me and say thank you for those things.

But you: you are offered good gifts, and your reaction is squeeze to see what more you can get. And you resent others when they do not continue to give you more.

And my issue with people like you is even when you hear people like me talk about gratitude, you still typically look at it from the lense of "if that's what makes you happy."

It's not all about my happiness, it's about a sense of gratitude influencing the thanks I give and the way I treat people, including people who may not be able to give to me as much as I am able to give to them. Why would everything have to be about my own happiness to be worth it?

~~

Rant over. 

I think what keeps getting me isn't people struggling to be patient. It's normal to struggle with being virtuous, we all do. And I have no problem with someone having lots of good things either. But It makes me so angry that being spoiled makes some people so unmerciful towards others, when reality is that God and life has already been so more kind to them than they deserve... and yet instead of reflecting on these things to motivate them to treat others better, they themsleves just think they deserve even more!

I also think that we have become so numb in our spoiled lives, myself included, that we are print to turning a blind eye, and avoiding thinking about the horrors of the world that we ourselves perpetrate with our stuff.

Our electronics. Our food. Our clothes.

Our overconsumption drives so much abuse of the planet and animals and other people. And while we ourselves are not individually responsible for this system and I don't want everyone to just be torn up in guilt over what they individually do not get to control, I want people like me who live in such grossly overconsumption-driven communities to not be so entitled on top of it. So unmerciful to others. To lacking gratitude for it all.

I myself even as I write this am already too imperfect in my gratitude and mercy and pride. But I am consciously trying.

What gets me is people refusing to acknowledge all this to begin with. And how their feeling entitled to so much leads to thinking it's okay to treat others with contempt.

You don't have to be perfect in your execution. We all act out of harmony with the values we think we have, I am no different.

But acknowledge it. Acknowledge that you are not more worthy than someone else to receive more, and that what you already have been gifted doesn't make you entitled to more gifts or make you more worthy or valuable than someone life has simply given less to.

My awareness of this is in itself a gift, I understand. Which is why I don't resent people not not having these thoughts by themselves. But I do resent those who consciously choose to reject thinking about this when it is brought up to them because it doesn't reinforce the over inflated ego perpetrated by this world.

We are all recipients of mercy and kindness of a truly divine level. And the infuriating, highest irony is it tends those of us like me who are amoung the materially most fortunate who are first to forget that when it comes down to the way we choose to treat others.

~~

Anyway that ended up being rant part two.

Long story short is the parable of the unforgiving slave. 

That's really all.

Thank you for coming to my Ted talk, but feel free to ignore me and just read the Bible instead. Evidently I have nothing both useful and novel to say.

 You can keep lying to yourself if that's what you want. But no matter how much you want it, it doesn't mean you can make me start lying to myself.

 I can't remember at what age I stopped wondering if out of everyone I know, is any of them are murderers.

I should probably wonder that again.

Please Learn From My Mistakes

 Strangers can indeed be dangerous. But the most dangerous strangers are often the acquaintances you give the benefit of the doubt.

Birds of a feather and another idiom

 Following up from that last mini scene/dialogue I posted, that is actually an example of the saying "birds of a feather flock together" being used in its incomplete form. 

      The true saying, goes: "Birds of a feather flock together, until the cat comes."

      Recently I learned that this saying that is usually used to describe how people are drawn to those similar to them, is actually a warning about fairweather friends.

      There was something very healing about this, because being abandoned by people I thought wouldn't because it seemed they were like me, in recent have hurt me more than being maliciously treated by people who just have a problem with me because I am different from them.

      Also, the same person told me that "blood is thicker than water" is a bastardization of the original saying that actually has the opposite meaning. 

      The true saying:

      "The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb."

"Do you like them?"

This isn't a terribly useful question for someone to ask me because I usually like people by default. I am also very patient and tend to chalk up peoples' failings to external factors rather than inner character. I am intuitive and have learned not to completely ignore red lights flashing in my mind even when I can't articulate why, but will make special effort to give the benefit of the doubt as much as I can. I do tend to beleive that most people mean well even if fear prevents them from behaving accordingly all the time. But on the rare case I don't like somebody, chances are it's not for no good reason.

~~

The above consideration has inspired a mini dialogue, that maybe I can use in a story someday:

"Do you like her?"

"This isn't a terribly useful question for me because I usually like people by default. I am also very patient. By on the rare case I don't like somebody, it is probably for good reason."

"Funny you say that. You don't seem to like either of us very much."

"Well birds of a feather flock together, don't they?"

Exploring the difference between an influencer and a leader, and their overlap

There was a correction in my thinking that I had to come to terms with, and that is the difference between a natural leader, and it natural influencer.

       I tended to just use the word "leader" as a catch-all, oversimplifying by saying it's not about being boss, but it's people who are influencing who are actually the people who are leading even if it's not obvious. But I realize now that that is not quite the case all the time. All leaders are influencers, but not all influencers are leaders. 

       Perhaps the difference is, that a leader is the influencer who officially or unofficially not just says where the group is going but just does those things first.

       This is something I will keep thinking about.

A negotiation letter

      I've been finding myself negotiating with you again. 

      While deliberating on purchasing a backpack that I think we would both like, my mind naturally goes to gifting one to you.

      "If I get you one, will you stop being dead?" I ask. It even comes in two colours, our old colour palettes from coffee shop days, blue and muted pink. Any colour works. Point is, how about I do this and you stay?

~~

[Added later]

I close this post, open my app, and see this:

Hope does not lead to disappointment.—Rom. 5:5

Quote from Captain Picard

 "It is possible to commit no mistakes and still lose. That is not a weakness; that is life." - Captain Picard

A snip of thoughts on AI that I have but am not proud of but I genuinely cannot understand or expect an alternative being better at this point

 A snip of thoughts on AI that I have but am not proud of but I genuinely cannot understand or expect an alternative being better at this point:

 So I guess my message is, this is a versatile tool that can be very good if used conscientiously; let's not to use AI the way society has habitually used plastic. But like plastic, if you're going to die or get or stay seriously sick if you don't use it, I am not in favour of the common person who needs it for that being guilted into not using it. Please don't let this be the hill you actually literally die or lose every bit of your wellness on. The rich are going to overuse this to make more money anyway, using it minimally for what you need or for innovation that actually helps the world is not a bad thing. So stay conscientious but don't ban yourself from using it altogether if it is actually at the cost of your life. We don't need the worst of both worlds. 

      I'm an environmentalist have spent my whole life advocating for sustainable use of resources. I know we are people aren't gonna do it properly. But I'm an environmentalist not just because nature is beautiful but because I want living beings to have the chance to live.

       I also don't think my view is necessarily objectively "right" either though or the one everyone should have necessarily. Because it relies on people actually just being conscientious about it, but tragedy of the commons occurs time and time again. Unfortunately, me advocating for conscientious balance is going to contribute to cop-out excuses and abusing the tool pretending it's needed when not.

      And I know even if not an excuse, it will absolve people enough to use it because it's cheap and the horrid broken system makes everything too expensive.

        But I feel like we are looking at environmental catastrophe in the face right now and because of the hyper wealthy it's inevitable. My view does not break the cycle, but I'm saying it anyway because I don't think the alternative breaks the cycle either, I think it just allows the cycle to continue but leaving people who are already behind in the dust even more. So if it's going to happen anyway I just want to save the good people along the way who would sacrifice themsleves for a greater good that cannot be achieved anyway. Instead of sacrificing themsleves entirely on this hill for probably the same or virtually the same outcome to occur, I hope good people save themselves so they can live to fight a other day for something else.

       Yikes my anxiety is bad with this one. I'm gonna take a break. I'm so embarrassed to be thinking like this honestly I feel like I have to admit all these thoughts and explain them.

       I don't even think I'm right I just don't want people to die for nothing.

~~

I don't think humans failure to use a resource responsibility means using that resource at all is bad. And realistically the outlook we have in terms of AI and its impacts is not good. But I don't think common that people sacrificing, or I should say continuing to sacrifice, their health being worked to death is worth this iota of slowing that inevitable outcome. It's good that people are being conscious and conscientious right from the get-go. That wasn't the case with plastic. But I just don't want the world's most empathetic people sacrificing their lives for nothing.

       Keep being conscientious, but if you need it, use it to live to fight another day for something else.

 I realize I like to give myself time to think about things, partly because I like being able to make emotional decisions, but I have to wait until I can make my emotional decision while feeling my emotions more clearly without panic or pressure to feel differently.

~~

      This way I can prioritize longer term and broader scale emotions, not just immediate but temporary ones about to change anyway. 

Bible highlights today

This text is filled with optimism. I love it. #positivity

Hope does not lead to disappointment.—Rom. 5:5

~~

From the fruitage of a man’s speech his stomach will be filled; He will be satisfied with what his lips produce.

Prov 18:20

What Sally says of Susie says more of Sally than of Susie. #Highlights 

Be careful what we speak. It can make us a positive or negative person.

~~

I have noticed many good gifts pointing to joy these days. It's something I thought I should not try to have too much or ask for, especially in such times, but I think my mind has changed on that. #joy

Frozen blueberry + goat milk smoothies are elite.

Thinking of a silver lining after a sweet evening with family

 The Silver lining of pain, especially pain we survive, is it's an opportunity to draw close to and show appreciation for loyal people.

Tofu stew recipe (neither truly Asian nor European, like me)

An easy, one-pot recipe that was made up when desperate for a healthy lunch, now served with rice and good memories.

Ingredients (in a pot - serves 3-4 when had with rice)

Non-Hydrogenated margarine 

Avocado oil

6 green onions 

One pack of Medium-firm tofu, cut in in little blocks (maybe 1" x 0.75")

Paprika (I'm using non smoked)

Granulated black pepper 

Onion powder (optional)

5 zucchini, cut in little half moon shapes

3 Sweet Bell peppers (red/orange/yellow), sliced lengthwise

Directions:

Melt margarine or butter in avocado oil at the bottom of the pot.

Cook chopped green onions in the oils

Add tofu blocks, and cook on medium-high to high

Season with paprika (maybe a couple tablespoons)

Add zucchini. Season with salt and pepper to taste. Cook for a few minutes, with just a little water in the bottom so there is steam. Cover.

Before the zucchini is a little cooked (maybe half way) add the bell peppers. 

Add onion powder if desired to make broth extra flavourful. Add additional paprika if desired to colour the broth more.

Cook on medium to medium-high, stirring every now and then, until zucchini is fully cooked through

Recommended to serve with rice, cooked with vegetable bouillon.

 The greatest irony of it all though, is how not getting the start I wanted more than anything may be the very thing that has saved everything.

 There are times I just want to tell Chat GPT everything about myself. To feel understood, and to put to the test whether the problem really is me not expressing who I am clearly or other people just not listening. It's tempting because inside it is my belief that Chat GPT will understand my very well. 

      And so, I find myself caught between being desperate to be understood, even if it's by a machine, and fearing the way others with access to the machine could abuse that. 

Opinion: Emotionally intelligent people know how to be encouraging, but do not make a rule of forcing complements to make themselves look good

Regarding: "Science Says Emotionally Intelligent People Use the 30-Second Rule to Make a Lasting First Impression

To make a good first impression—and set the stage for a great conversation—you only have to say one thing.

EXPERT OPINION BY JEFF HADEN @JEFF_HADEN

Jun 13, 2025"

https://www.inc.com/jeff-haden/science-says-emotionally-intelligent-people-use-the-30-second-rule-to-make-a-lasting-first-impression/91201506 

...

"Within the first 30 seconds of a conversation, say something complimentary or encouraging.

But not generic: Complimenting someone’s clothing or appearance could seem like a throwaway line, and even if sincere may not be memorable. So use the first 30 seconds to find something more meaningful. Ask a question, but don’t use it as a springboard for then talking about yourself. (Psychologists call those “boomerang questions.”)

Instead, keep the focus on the other person. Say you ask, “What do you do?” Don’t boomerang with what you do. My go-to approach is to say something about their job that seems hard, and compliment their ability to do it."

My take: Emotionally intelligent people do not make a rule of forcing complements within a within a certain timeframe with the goal of making themselves look good. It may make emotionally intelligent people who pick up on it feel bad for you though, or raise a yellow light of caution of your motives. And in another situation, forcing yourself to compliment someone against your better judgement, such as if you sense they already are conceited or are seeking opportunities to drag others down, this has the potential to reinforce an expectation that you only exist to stroke that person's ego. That said, like this article does reference when meeting new people, emotionally intelligent people will avoid making a conversation all about themselves. They will often tend be encouraging, and may intentionally cultivate an inclination to be observant so they can be quick give sincere compliments and establish positive relationships.

1/3 joking

 Story idea: metro employees who see eachother in the distance across a highway through the store windows

Plot twist they are recruited to an underground network below the highway

"What more do you want?"

"I'm already dying for you, I just haven't died yet."

~~

I'd like you to think about the things you are are already dying for, but just haven't died for yet.

And I need you to decide for yourself: is this worth it? And if you're not sure, can you live for it instead without paying with your body?

Today's three good gifts - context: I have the place to myself

 Each day I try to list at least three good gifts that I'm grateful for. I don't usually post about them here, it is something that I want to be less of a big event necessarily and more just a way of being. (It is now my way of being to also reflect on more than three :). But today's I feel like sharing.

Three good gifts: observing and marveling at the beauty of nature with my grandma, spending time with my family, the Silver linings that give me confidence in my decisions and in my own feelings and intuition and discernment and my abilities and competence.

Internally today was a bad day. But I'm proud of myself for doing well anyway independently in an extrinsic sense.

Nice little moments with grandma today

 

When my grandma told me to look up and observe the mulberry tree and the sky today and said, "it's like an umbrella," from the chair where she drank her ice water. And then we discussed getting a tarp to catch the berries for fertilizer, and making it green so it blends in better.

       And then later I helped her pick the leaves off the mint after I had finished my part.

       These were small moments, but now amoung my favourite memories.

My Pet Peeve Progression

Don't mind me, in honour of my current state I am just going to rant about a bunch of things mostly unrelated to my current life, or only related on a small scale instead of spilling my guts about what's actually bothering me because that would be bad right now.

• "littering" - before I knew "pet peeve" implies it's something that doesn't really matter. This definitely matters, so I stopped calling it something that almost belittles it.

• Using the word "literally" when a context that is figurative —the very opposite of literal. Conscious exaggerations can be artful, but why are we taking away the one common word that could be used to clarify this to mean the opposite?

• When people copy me (or others) in detail, but don't celebrate the original doing the thing being copied. Not respectful inspiration, but covetousness. (As I became more confident in my intuition and could better articulate how this behaviour often fits in with bullying and oppression, this was unlabeled "peeve.")

• Latest pet peeve: The 'Royal "We"' —when people ask if "we" can do something, but they actually want you to do it by yourself. People often mean to be tactful if it's to spare your feelings or they're just embarrassed when it's to spare their own. It does annoy me though, especially in a situation when clearly the reasonable thing is for both people to help. (Don't try to trick people into thinking you're asking for a little when you know it's a lot! Own up and say a proper thank-you, what are you three years old lol)

Is what we believe within our circle of control?

Diagram origin: I don't know to be honest. But this is the context that sparked me writing out the below.

 A question that has been in my mind for nearly my whole life, is that is what we believe truly something that we control? How do we process reality and understand it differently than just? What is the way we understand it? 

       The closest thing might be that we control how much effort we put into learning more and what we choose to focus on I guess. But there are many things I want to believe that I can't, and things that I do believe that I don't want to. And even if I lied to myself about these things, what's in my heart is the same.

       Much of what we believe is based on what is presented to us. Some of it based on what we found ourselves. But we don't get to control that big portion.

      So while I do have a choice in what I focus my efforts, what values I emphasize, I have a hard time wrapping my head around the idea that I control what I actually believe. Am I, like everyone else, not just processing all the information I have to the best of my abilities?

       And yet, in spite of this, some part of my gut, my intuition tells me otherwise about this question. That they are right, that in a significant way we do control what we believe. That even though the thoughts I can consciously articulate to myself indicate otherwise, my intuition is processing things differently on a deeper level, influencing what I believe. 

       Because with what I can pick apart and explain, I can't rationalize the idea that we control what we believe; but my belief inside in the most ironic way, says we do.

       Considering all this feels strange, especially because I know the way people perceive me, what they believe about me. Many people I know ralk to me for answers, perhaps because it tends to be after I have some direction to my thoughts that I choose to speak. 

        But I feel like in the totality of things, my thoughts are more questions than answers.

 A goal: Balance cerebral, reflective, emotional awareness, with taking the best actions I reasonably can. 

Repost of an old favourite - lied to balancing criticism, speaking at the right time, expressiveness, compassion, tact, and honesty

 Don't get so caught up and fighting against that You forget what you're fighting for.

      It is my tendency to very much fear becoming a critical person by personality, and overcompensate by not saying things sometimes even when it would be better if I did in the long run. It is so easy for me to understand people's feelings and why their limits are what they are right now, and maybe just not even resent them for not being farther along than they're at now because that's how I want people to treat me. But just because I don't want to shame them for not being past where they are, doesn't mean I might be passing up an opportunity to help them if I am too Extremely quiet about observations relating to their weaknesses. 

       Yes it's their responsibility to work on, but if I love them, I should do a balance that does my feelings and my truth and well-being, but also their feelings and their growth, Justice as best I can.

       Don't get me wrong. I'm still very determined to be merciful and not swing in the opposite direction. But maybe I can start growing in my discernment in bravery of what really is a good time to speak, we're adjusting the way I say things to make the time more opportune, instead of risk overthrowing in a one-dimensional line of patience, without other aspects of empathetic and intuitive communication being left behind or relatively undertended to.

Top-down and bottom-up

I've spent a lot of time analyzing top-down and bottom-up approaches to creating the life one wants. Approaches to keep dreaming, and also successfully meeting goals. 

       A goal of having needs met, or a goal of being happy are very broad. These are more top. 

       Things like spending quality time with loved ones, being committed to being involved in the causes that are important to us, taking time to reflect and be alone, engaging in creative activities, seek out nature, be physically active or engage in wellness activities together, give to others. These are less broad, but they are still relatively broad.

        Then you have the things at the bottom; what is the quality time you spend with your loved ones? There is time spent relaxing together; reflecting and having deep expressive conversations with one another; there is time spent being active together; there's time spent volunteering together; time spent together that is adventurous; time spent going on random spontaneous adventures together; Time spent taking in entertainment. Together; time spent breaking bread together; time spent sitting silently together. Relatively, these are far less broad, and more bottom in a bottom up approach. 

       I think it's important to be able to understand, express and analyze both. Especially because the thing is we don't need everything to have the same amount to feel happiness. One thing might just be a little small cup, maybe even a cup that could be replaced quite simply with two other cups, but both the quantitative and qualitative factors matter.

       I am such a dreamer, I love whimsical musings. But I also know that if one is not reflective and conscious of both the forest and the trees, they might end up putting in more effort, pouring more in and maybe even overfilling the wrong cup in the pursuit of a feeling but missing it anyway. 

       For example, taking in entertainment is a common little cup people overfill when it's another cup that actually needs filling. Maybe they don't put it there because it's hard. Maybe they don't put it there because they just haven't noticed. Maybe, they don't put it there because they're avoiding it because they're afraid of what it means about them for that little cup to not be filled to a certain standard. 

      See both the forest and the trees, my loves.

Do not make a monster of your conscience, a friend

 Don't turn your conscience into a monster that you run from, because you keep punishing yourself excessively and inflicting excessive pain every time you face it. Your conscience is a friend and advisor, who tells you the truth even when you don't want to hear it; not a monster to avoid, but a friend. 

      Ironically, you must remember this to truly keep being accountable.

      Don't unnecessarily turn feeling your conscience and comparing who you are with who you want to be into something so excessively painful that you avoid going there again because you can't handle what you do to yourself unnecessarily. This is part about actually being accountable, you can't punish yourself so much to in this twisted way feel better right now that it stops you from approaching being a better person next time.

      Everything is always "why don't you just feel/think about/deal with things differently?" instead of "how can I support you in this?"

      Why is everything always a demand for me to justify myself my feelings my values to other people. No offers to help, just criticisms of my way.

      Such judgemental people are worse than useless during hard times, they are energy vampires.

      If you're not going to be helpful, be silent.

Freediving and an Arabic Saying

 

This is what made freediving (super beginner) such a big deal for me. It was a conversation with myself, where I found the part of me that wanted to live was able to speak louder than the voice that said I wanted to die.

Dig where it hurts

To make emotional progress, I believe you often have to dig where it hurts.

      And even if now is not the time to address it, when you find a pain point that you aren't fully happy with or hurts you but you don't know why or it's hard to resolve, where it hurts is where you put a big red X to dig there.

      And sometimes feelings go deeper than we realize. 

       Then I used my childhood splinters as an illustration. For some reason we had so many basket sin our house, and I would use them a lot. And get splinters.

       I'd start by taking it out with my fingernails. I'd usually just end up breaking off the top and making it even harder to grab.

       Then I'd get the tweezers, and pull it out with those. I'd watch it slip out so cleanly it seemed. And I'd say " Yes, I learned my lesson I'd tell myself, I will just use the tweezers next time. 

       But sometimes that wasn't actually the end of it. When there would be pressure on that spot, it kind of still hurt. So I'd like to check. I'd tell myself it's nothing, it's in my head, it's the memory of pain; it can't still actually be hurting because I pulled it out already. 

        But the truth was, it still felt like it hurt.

        Then I'd have to go to my mom. And as I dreaded and was trying to avoid, she would have to use the pin. And she'd have to poke me with the pin where it hurt, peeling back layers and layers of my skin until she dug deep enough to be able to see the piece that was still left inside. 

         Sometimes it would be so tiny I'd be surprised at how something so small would cause me so much pain. And other times it would be so big I was shocked; how could there have been so much still deep inside when I thought I got it all out?        

       Occaisonally it takes fingernails. Sometimes it takes tweezers. Sometimes it takes the pin.

        You don't always know right away which one is going to be, whether tweezers alone are enough. You have to try, then see if it still hurts. And if it still does, you have to be honest with yourself about it, then use the pin to dig deeper where it hurts.

        This isn't about splinters.

More freedom, more understandig

 I'm proud of myself for being open to new opportunities and ways of expressing myself, instead of blocking myself into only expressing myself in ways people have easily understood in the past for fear of being misunderstood doing something different now.

In life two things I want are freedom and to be understood. Much of the latter is outside my control, but I don't want to throw away my freedom on the basis of not receiving understanding from other people.

Interestingly, the more freely I let myself express my thoughts and feelings, the more likely I am to be understood. 

If I am very withholding, a lot of people understand me just a tiny bit but I am otherwise mostly a mystery; I get the best of neither freedom nor understanding. If I am a bit or moderately free, I am very understood by almost everyone, understood by very few. But if I am very free, I am understood still only by the select, but a larger select. I remain misunderstood by others, but it doesn't feel so bad because at least I am getting the best of freedom and even the best I realistically can in being understood, too.

Fading colours on bouquets

 Observing creation: today even this is tinted with sadness for me. I look at the drying baby's breath from the little bouquet I made for my mother, and the purple ones gifted to me, And the brown shriveled pieces left of the picked with hand and heart wildflower bouquet for my grandmother, and all their dulling colors. I get so attached to these flowers and their colors, but they are temporary. God allows me to enjoy these colors in their time, and even to grow so attached. It's sad to think of letting go of even a single shoot I have grown accustomed to looking at. But while this shoot Mayweather away, this type of plant still exists. I only have to keep working at finding them to keep enjoying them, a different plant with the same soul. 

 

The return of protecting my tree

When people insist on lighting themselves on fire with jealousy, insecurity or other ugly emotions, I'm done running to pull them out of the fire when their goal is not to be saved, but just to light me on fire as well.