Why do I push away good things - balancing with good self-control/governance

 For context, I lost some data in a glitch on the Finch app, so customer care offered me LOTS, too much stuff, to compensate.

Now, for my own benefit it is best I don't fully accept it all, so that it doesn't defeat the purpose of the app.

But at the same time, that is not the only thought that was making me reluctant to accept more than one item, if anything.

I realize I tend to push away good things happen to me that I did not earn, but readily feeling deserving of all the bad things, even if I didn't cause them.

I'm glad I asked for a second item, instead of just one. (It was something to match my man's bird :)

Everywhere from feeling it would be unfair to accept more than one item as compensation for my lost data, to pushing away good from my mom even after she stressed me out and made it hard for me to cook.

I think this is partly from low self-esteem, and partly trying to avoid a victim mentality as if the world owes me a debt.

(Published April 1, written March 31)

I realize I tend to push away good things happen to me that I did not earn, but readily feeling deserving of all the bad things, even if I didn't cause them.

I'm glad I asked for two items instead of just onr when offered by app support.

Everywhere from feeling it would be unfair to accept more than one item as compensation for my lost data, to pushing away good from my mom even after she stressed me out and made it hard for me to cook.

I think this is partly from low self-esteem, and partly trying to avoid a victim mentality as if the world owes me a debt.

People need to stop equating a women's virtue with how much suffering she endures.

The message is basically work yourself to death or you'd be better off dead.

I collect stickers and pretty tissue box panels. I like art but it's too expensive to collect "actual art."

I am obsessed with writing but dissociating is making words look like a weird thing.

These should be two separate entries/posts but I'm too tired.

"I love you for the person you are."

Maybe he does love me.

You can spend a lifetime searching for the perfect stencils, or you can spend your life learning how to draw.

I am no one special

 But it makes me happy to do special things

   To do things that make a difference to somebody

Why is it that when you are mad at me you still talk to everyone else so sweetly and treat them nicely, but when you're mad at somebody else you don't treat me nicely?

The mind of an English speaker learning Mandarin

知 stick man with a ponytail hat or graduation cap (because he a knowledgable scholar) climbing to reach in a cupboard, or to get to a door. He's wearing that hat because he is very knowledgable.

忙 stick man using a laptop half closed on a table. It's half closed because he's so busy he can't bear to look at it straight on anymore 

帝 this stick man is leaping, maybe doing parkour， over a fire hydrant

方 this stick man is walking very carefully with his arms out because he is a server and has done it so long he is stuck like that

稣 this stick man on the right is wearing a big hat because he is fishing with a net in the sun

神 this stick man on the left has a very fancy robe, because he is special

Oh my favourite

旁 these stick people are acrobats, clearly, with one holding up the other above his head

 Three good gifts: the sunlight even if it's white, the rain that feeds the earth, the sprout that breaks the ground even if April's a fight

Chewy Chocolate Chip or Raisin Oatmeal Cookies Recipe

 Chewy Chocolate Chip Oatmeal Cookies

by Dr. Amy from Allrecipes.com

Amt.

 Measure

 Ingredient -- Preparation

1 

 cup

  butter, softened

1 

 cup, packed

  light brown sugar

1/2 

 cup

  white sugar

2 

 

  eggs

2 

 tsp.

  vanilla extract

1 1/4 

 cups

  all purpose flour

1/2 

 tsp.

  baking soda

1 

 tsp.

  salt

3 

 cups

  quick-cooking oats

1 

 cup

  walnuts, chopped

1 

 cup

  semisweet chocolate chips

Directions:

Preheat the oven to 325 degrees F (165 degrees C.)

In a large bowl, cream together the butter, brown sugar & white sugar until smooth.

Beat in the eggs, one at a time, then stir in the vanilla.

[In a separate bowl, ]Combine the flour, baking soda & salt; [then] stir into the creamed mixture [the first bowl] until just blended.

Mix in the quick oats, walnuts & chocolate chips.

Drop by heaping spoonfuls onto ungreased cookie sheets.

Bake for 12 minutes in the preheated oven.

Allow cookies to cool on baking sheet for 5 minutes before removing to a wire rack to cool completely.

http://822e.com/calendar/sophia/recipes.cfm?rp_id=42

Moroccan chickpea stew recipe

⌺◈⌺◈⌺◈⌺◈⌺❖❖⌺◈⌺◈⌺◈⌺◈⌺❖❖⌺◈⌺◈⌺◈⌺◈⌺❖

Moroccan Chickpea Stew

⌺◈⌺◈⌺◈⌺◈⌺❖❖⌺◈⌺◈⌺◈⌺◈⌺❖❖⌺◈⌺◈⌺◈⌺◈⌺❖

Thick, flavour-intense chickpeas with spinach dish. A family favourite that is relatively simple to prepare with 40 minutes cooking time. Served over rice, this recipe yields about 8 servings.

Ingredients

2-3 chopped onions

Crushed head of garlic

Olive oil (enough to cover bottom of pot plus to drizzle afterwards)

1 tsp cinnamon

1 tsp cumin

1 tsp paprika

Few dashes of cayenne pepper/to taste

3 small-medium-sized cans of chickpeas, rinsed. 

15oz diced tomatoes

4 c. stock of your choice

salt to taste

sugar to taste

black pepper

fresh spinach

Directions 

1. Cook the onion and crushed head of garlic on medium-high in olive oil (enough to coat the bottom of the pot) until soft or carmelized.

2. Add the cinnamon, cumin, paprika, and a dash of cayenne.

3. Add the rinsed chickpeas, diced tomatoes, sugar, and stock. Season with salt and pepper to taste and cook on medium or medium-low for 40 minutes.

4. Mash the soup a little (about half the chick peas) then add in fresh spinach to wilt in stew.

Drizzle stew with olive oil.

Eggplant Seasoning Recipe - Uyghur-Chinese-Inspired

2 heaping tbsp slightly ground roasted sesame seeds

2 heaping tbsp ground coriander seeds

1 tsp black pepper

1 tsp chili flakes

1 tsp salt

2 tsp cumin

 The silver lining of death is a new start in the next life.

I am medicine

I am a wildflower, this I have always known.

But only if late have I come to the sad realization that I am the kind that is a weed to be picked and dried and crushed for its medicinal properties.

Not to be nurtured and admired in a garden.

Someday when the world is healed, then might I be chosen for the pure purpose of loving and cherishing. 

Someday instead of being boiled, I will receive gentle, refreshing water from a can.

But until then, as a wildflower I am tough enough to survive by the rain of heaven.

For now I will cultivate contentment with being loved by God for my uniqueness. For even if the rest of the world were to hate me, God's love and undeserved kindness is enough. He will fill my heart and make me whole.

 I have come to a huge, important realization! Because writing is such an intensely emotional thing for me, when I'm writing about negative things, it is better for me to dictate it into my phone. This way I express myself, I'm letting out my emotions, I'm being true to them without intensifying them because writing is more important to me than speaking. I can now free myself having expressed my emotions without feeling them with heightened intensity looking at the words on the page.

"She is fearless"

The most frequent compliment I receive that I ought to reject is that I am "fearless". 

I am a risk-taker in the sense that I do things that are risky from a human perspective, but not a spiritual one.

From a spiritual perspective, it is not a large risk to passionately pray that you will try whatever language is announced next and then try it.

From a spiritual perspective it is not a large risk to go where the need is greater.

From a spiritual perspective it is not a large risk to tell your coworkers that your faith is important to you personally, as opposed to "my parents raised me this way".

From a spiritual perspective it is not a large risk to stand up for the widows and orphans, the disadvantaged in the congregation and in the community.

From a spiritual perspective, it is not a risk to take a job that means you can't be out in service when people can see you often, but you can be out in service twice as much when people can't.

From a spiritual perspective, it is not a risk to stop to speak to and help an unhoused person. 

People think I'm fearless, but I am not. I am so fearful I actually have what once was classified as an anxiety disorder. My strength is not being fearless, my strength is in who and what I fear. My strength is that my norm is that my fear of God outweighs my fear of other people, Christian and non-Christian people alike.

The penalty is that I cannot face a strange rin either camp with the confidence that that individual person will accept me the way I am. But as long as I can keep up this with the purest motives and the humblest attitude I can muster, I do know it means that when I face God, he will accept me.

We must be in subjection to the superior authorities but obey God as ruler rather than men. 

You cannot slave for two masters.

To some extent, I fear everything and everyone. But what we fear most and what we desire most ultimately is what determines our master, and I know who my Master is.

"For he has said: “I will never leave you, and I will never abandon you.” So that we may be of good courage and say: “Jehovah is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?”" - Hebrews 13:5b,6

2015

You left me alone with our memories and dreams, and now I am left chasing that feeling.

Waiting for forever to start again.

At least I have a worldwide family to dream with me.

You were all autheticity and a tad self-righteous at your worst. Yet at the same time, with lots of love for everyone but yourself.

You always thought people thought badly of you, but behind your back people only ever spoke so well of you. And we still do.

We always will.

~~

I am reading the Bible daily again, chasing that feeling I once had, that we once shared. The feeling of universal and forever.

If you were here, I'd bet you would be doing the same thing because whether we talked about it or not, we're always doing the same thing, always in sync.

--

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DGZN_dHvyn-/?igsh=dmVxcWJia3Fna2I3

It's almost like I felt someone say your name.

Around the same time I started writing this, turns out shortly before someone liked the comment I tagged you in on this video. Because her sweater is like yours. 

It brought my back to our golden years and brought me to tears, resurfaced my hopes and all of my fears.

And the funniest part? Just like before, it's another scammer who liked it 😂 

The Way Things Go

Someone does something that hurts my feelings

I am sad over it

They ask me what's wronge

I tell them

They get mad at me saying that and stop talking to me

I apologize for making them angry

Northern Lights - Original Song by Melody T

Audio: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1DeE3-aNUREmA-tWt-1peHHkK9d1uUTyo/view?usp=drivesdk

Lyrics for Northern Lights

Song by Melody T

Do not hate the past that made you this way, 

Or forsake the last two steps you'd retrace,

For as fast as it came this day goes away,

So lay claim to take your own breath away.

Follow the wind that carries the snow,

It doesn't know North but onward it goes,

From a cold land, Jack Frost nipped at your toes

From a time your mind cried for the heart that it froze.

('Put up a wall and locked in your worst foes.)

North Pole midnight sun comes again

We can watch turquoise lights flicker out until then

Set fire to the heart just to feel again,

You've already started, don't have to begin.

Oh it makes me sick to contemplate

All the things I've done when most afraid,

Or to dream of what's happened had I stayed,

Is it permanent this nightmarish price I pay?

Please don't be afraid of this long mood,

You can rise like we sun and phase like the moon,

With a light side and a dark one too,

Be a guide in the night with all the lessons you knew.

I know that you miss her, so do I.

To relive those moments, I'd die. 

So take what you miss and find it in you 

Remember the happiness, that once knew.

(Response)

If this is the price we pay keep the change,

Please just let me go, I can't take this pain.

Standing in the snow while praying for rain,

Is it the day or me that's gone insane?

Hope; don't be afraid, my dear 

Of this thing called hope, once held near

Better to find disappointment than to hide

And resign your fire for the cold outside.

It's worth a try

You can feel again

Though you may feel bad you carry something good,

We have gone on when we didn't think that you could,

And I'm glad, my friend, that back there you didn't stay

Because it's brought you to be who you are today.

With a light side, and a dark one too,

We will rise like the sun we all phase like the moon,

Go on like the wind, it'll carry

You through

Find your way

You'll find your way

Find your way

You'll find your way

Da da da da

Da da da

Da da

Da da da da duh