I see a deep attachment,

Not deep love.

Moonfall

I stay up all night to avoid tomorrow

As if it's time I somehow borrow

Pretending I don't have to get up early at all

When I'm just scared of what will come with the moonfall

 Sometimes I stay up late because I'm afraid of tomorrow.

Even if It's Gray

I look forward to being with you again when the days are gray

Maybe your return will be coming through the rain,

Even if the sun isn't out that'll be just fine,

Because all that matters is that you're in that line.

We'll go to the beach when the sky is white,

Even when the stars are hidden we'll have the earth to marvel at night.

We'll watch the clouds roll away,

And together wait for another day.

And when we truly have forever, 

It's ok to change our plans for the weather.

Play music inside with rain on the window,

Or work har to shovel the snow together.

Today I miss you when it snows

And whenever the wind blows

With every passing note,

At all the highs and all the lows.

Tomorrow I will want the same thing,

Inside this promise will still ring.

I want us to work hard together,

Inherit the earth and worship forever.

As much as I do love to see the bright colours,

Reminder pink and coral hues,

Turquoise blue and emerald green,

What matters most is what remains unseen.

Even if next we meet it is in the pouring rain,

Your smile is enough to end the pain.

Even if the sky is gray and thunder announces that you are here,

It will still be the most beautiful day, my dear.

How every day I woke up into a new timeline

I think I found the key behind the dpdr-like symptoms.

It was actually too much. It had to end. There was just too much loss, abandonment, and isolation. So my mind basically did a factory reset and every morning I woke up having no idea who or what anyone or anything is.

With that reset bad friends became weird strangers, losses became misplacements, and I went from a failure to just born yesterday.  

My mind flipped the script to survive the situation.

Instead of losing Amara it was easier to lose myself, and instead of facing those who abandoned me it was easier to just forget who everyone is. Instead of facing that I felt like they were bad friends, it was easier to feel that they were weird strangers.

This is in no way meant to minimize the torture that people go through with DPDR, but for me dissociation is a rock shielding me from a hard place.

Sometimes I can't tell if you're a bad friend or a weird stranger.

I miss you when it snows

 

Everything I like is tied to you

All the mem'ries that we knew

Wish you would just listen to how true

This is 

Did you know I'd

(Oh I) miss you when it snows

And whenever the wind blows

At the place that the waves go

All of the highs and all the lows

The sky it is too white

I write songs late at night

About the day and it's fights

Telling you things

I should have said

I miss you when it snows

And with every passing note

All of the highs and all the lows

If only you would know

I don't just miss you when it snows

With every foggy breath I know

Every night that I must fight

So that someday you might know

Do you see old people past their oldness,

Bold people beyond their boldness,

Can you love someone for their steadiness

When you hate them for their coldness?

Can you draw past what you see?

When you are looking at me,

Can you see me as I am,

Or only what is said to be?

Mr Silence and Saviour Complex

If you only ever talk to someone when you're afraid they are about to die it doesn't make you their friend, it makes you a kind stranger.

~~

If you don't value my presence and only fear my absence,

If you are deaf to my words but despise my silence,

I wonder what you tell yourself about who I am to you.

In your heart am I someone you know, or just someone you once knew?

What is my favourite colour?

I love gray, but that is a shade.

My creative colour is electric blue

And the colours I like to wear if they must be colours and not shades or neutrals are purple and burnt orange.

SecondLife Favourite Places

SL FAVOURITE PLACES

-----------------------

NICHE

La Vallee, https://www.flickr.com/groups/contest-alpine-valley/http://maps.secondlife.com/secondlife/Landscapes%20Showcase/181/178/42

Jewelry Glasses "Air" Main Shop

http://maps.secondlife.com/secondlife/Goguryeo/96/80/65

Protected Land, Fairstone Quarry

http://maps.secondlife.com/secondlife/Fairstone%20Quarry/122/152/24

Winter Moon

http://maps.secondlife.com/secondlife/Winter%20Moon/39/57/22

Toutour De Provenco horseback riding (Frenchish place)

http://maps.secondlife.com/secondlife/angelexe/106/217/36

Time portal (has horses and 40s Chinatown)

http://maps.secondlife.com/secondlife/Time%20Portal/154/225/1502

Get Away Gardens (waterfalls and forest from zagnerx)

http://maps.secondlife.com/secondlife/Woods/203/155/23

Blue Note

http://maps.secondlife.com/secondlife/angelexe/71/234/3286

Two Fish (from happy orange, artsy place)

http://maps.secondlife.com/secondlife/Cariacou/195/79/171

Jewelry Glasses "Air" Main Shop

http://maps.secondlife.com/secondlife/Goguryeo/96/80/65

Ethereal City

http://maps.secondlife.com/secondlife/Ethereal%20City/108/113/21

Sakura Community Region, Shobu

http://maps.secondlife.com/secondlife/Shobu/185/128/21

Venice ARIA

http://maps.secondlife.com/secondlife/Yumix%20Prada/112/88/30

Hana Aloha

http://maps.secondlife.com/secondlife/Hana%20Aloha/127/145/46

Frank's Elite Jazz Club

http://maps.secondlife.com/secondlife/Franks%20Place%207/132/48/26

INSPIRE SPACE PARK, Shinda (showed by Happy Orange)

http://maps.secondlife.com/secondlife/Shinda/66/197/1559

Paradise Mountains - Winter in Paradise

http://maps.secondlife.com/secondlife/Paradise%20Mountains/91/103/32

Time Traveler's Club - time portal

http://maps.secondlife.com/secondlife/Time%20Portal/107/135/3782

Chinatown New York 20s-40s

http://maps.secondlife.com/secondlife/Time%20Portal/159/122/1929

-----------------------

GENERAL EXPLORING

-----------------------

TO SOCIALZE

Tempura Island

Firestorm Social

http://maps.secondlife.com/secondlife/Firestorm%20Social%20Island/29/34/3501

Pacifique

http://maps.secondlife.com/secondlife/Pacifique/98/102/23

-----------------------

SHOPS AND FREEBIES

Splash Aquatics

http://maps.secondlife.com/secondlife/Gooruembalchi/120/179/70

Jewelry Glasses "Air" Main Shop

http://maps.secondlife.com/secondlife/Goguryeo/96/80/65

Teegle Falconry

http://maps.secondlife.com/secondlife/Teegle/21/154/33

CKit Falconry

http://maps.secondlife.com/secondlife/Ezquerra/17/128/37

-----------------------

OTHER

Monki's Place

Freebie Galaxy

http://maps.secondlife.com/secondlife/Ibiza/15/54/16

-----------------------

CREATOR SPACES

Builder's Brewery

http://maps.secondlife.com/secondlife/Builders%20Resource/197/15/25

Happy Hippo Academy

http://maps.secondlife.com/secondlife/Pandorus/72/136/29

Watching what would happen to Neptune if Uranus disappeared

(Or the other way around)

It's ok.

 I will go in grey.

 I am in full out avoiding my feelings mode

A secret about salting fries

 Instead of salting the fries, salt the ketchup

 I wonder if it is sadder to be the one who remembers, or the one who forgets.

We will be sad and lonely

In all our disconnection

Changing to speaking about someone in past tense is the worst thing in the world.

Sometimes I wear blue

Sometimes I wear blue just to pretend we are the way we used to be.

~~

Daisies make it feel like summer,

And orange helps me imagine we are still warm.

I had a dream of a place I'd like to be.
(A place where it is ok to look like me.)

If love is more important than things, why would we try to dismiss someone's pain for not feeling enough love even though they have things?

Math is a language

Math is the modeling of logic. There is no such object as the number ten. Ten is the base of numbers because we decide it is. The Greeks had something like six or something and it would not have been difficult to count by sixes because that is just what they used.

It's not that their logic was different, their way of modeling it was.

So I hate to break this to you, but as much as we like to pretend math is a universal language of we were contacted by aliens the chance that we would be able to initially read eachothers' math is slim 

Math is just a language of communicating logic.

We would have to learn eachothers' languages of logic, somehow.

~~

So in a weird sense, is math heiroglphics for logic?

No, that doesn't seem quite right. It is more systmatic than heioglypic or pictograohic.

Sitting together

And now even in death

I sit beside you.
The window between sleeping and waking divides us,
But as you are with God
I am with you.

 (While you have one foot in life,
 And I one in the grave,)

Even if we can't speak for a little while,
That is ok.

We can sit together in silence, (two introverts,)

To the sound of the waves.

Can't paint my way out

Can I call you back with music?
Can I paint you back to life?
I'd learn piano, sail the world solo,
To see that you are fine.

I can't call you back with music.
Can't paint you back to life.
This time there's nothing I can do, except
Waiting for His light;
For the thief in the night.

Day in the life being five feet tall (False security)

My whole wardrobe is made so people don't pick on me,
I spend all my money on false security;
It's all superficial, no deeper than the skin.
Just to get by in all these fights I know I'll never win.

"Just be yourself" say people who'll never know
What it's like to have no place you can ever go
Without people staring, and making sly remarks.

If you spent one day as me
I think you'd be startled by the dark.

Xiaomanyc 小馬在紐約 video - secret speaker of Chinese

Once I was at a food place and some of the guys behind the counter were making fun of their coworker about me in a language I was learning (but going by my face peoples wouldn't guess I could understand). It was so embarrassing, but I didn't call them out because then they would remember me even in the future, and I would have gone from joke of the night to joke of forever  🥲 

(Yes I still use Facebook. Let me live my life.)

Moving it with you

I don't think this is something we ever really "move on" from in this life. But I think it's possible to learn to move it with us.

We cannot just work to unbecome a bereaved person, but with time we can work to become a bereaved person who is different from the way we are right now.

Whether we live or we die

"For if we live, we live to Jehovah, and if we die, we die to Jehovah. So both if we live and if we die, we belong to Jehovah." -Romans 14:8

Banana bread recipe

 

You don't move on —you learn to move it with you

Someone asked "how does anyone move on?"

How does anyone "move on" from this kind of grief?

Honestly, I don't think we do. But slowly, you do learn to move it with you.

~~

For all the ways you moved me. #letterstoher

Scientific calculator

Is anyone else abnormally possessive of their calculator?

"Hey can I borrow your scientific calculator?"

"Why?"

Published Sept 18

Why do environmental jobs all require access to your own vehicle

dp, dr, abandonment, and the closest thing to resolution

Yes, I forgot who you were.

But you forgot me first.

~~

And sometimes I wonder "why?"

Was it because you didn't know what was going on, what happened, 

Or was it because you did?

Or something else I don't know?

I just wonder why.

Published Sept 18

My honest secret take on moustaches

If someone has a really long face it's fine.

But if they don't,

A moustache just makes them look like a hamburger head.

Pub. Sept 18, 2022

"What happened?"

"What happened to you?"

The kind of thing that makes people never able to look you in the eye again after they hear it.

Talking with my favourite poet

Today I messaged my favourite poet, Suhaib Rumi. It's because we had both published the same thought, worded almost exactly the same way and should he come across it someday I want him to know it's not that what he shares is being taken advantage of by plagiarism. (But rather, I consider it a priviledge to have written something so much like something he did).

A lot of things I post here are for myself more than anyone else, but screencaps of the conversation itself wouldn't feel appropriate so instead I will just say he was just as kind in direct message as he writes in his poems, and I am happier than ever to be a fan.

You can look him up on instagram as @suhaib.rumi, or Google his name to find suhaibrumi.com or the title of his book "Emerald Companion". I have the first edition (the all green one), but there is now a new revised edition with tree artwork on the front.

Thank you, Mr. Rumi :) I am not for idolizing humans and that is not what I mean to do with this post, but it is a special thing to be able to have a pleasant exchange with someone who has inspired you so much.

Also, as one may guess from the disproportionate number of posts noted as actually published August 1st, this has made me feel re-energized after a particularly difficult couple of months to catch up on my post publishing.

And finally, for fun I will also mention a little secret. While we touched on the collective subconscious today, what I didn't mention was that I just learned that the evil eye is yesterday, and today was when you posted the poll asking if we believe in the evil eye. It really is something.

My Secret Talent and Impending Doom

I don't know if I should post this because it's kind of bragging, but while I outwardly call my secret talent loon calling (because it matches my naturey persona, and moreso because it is a skill that can be taught to others too), my real secret talent is guessing how many pieces of candy are in jars.

Since my early twenties I have never tried guessing this at a party and lost. I used to be very shy and was afraid of guessing right or seeming too self-confident (the irony) and my name being announced so I tried to submit guesses that I knew would probably not win, but not so extreme that it would draw the attention of the person checking the answers. (Or worse, lead to mine being brought out if they also announce the lowest and highest guesses).

After I stopped caring so much about people thinking that (or maybe I didn't really, considering the first sentence of the post) I decided to actually try I have one all of the times I participated in this game.

It is gonna totally shatter my ego one day if and when I lose this game. It has gotten to the point that I now selectively participate just based on whether I actually want what is in the jar (or the jar itself, like a useful, pretty trophy), or if I can tell someone else at the party really wants the candy so I can make sure they get some.

Will my narcissism in this regard be my downfall? In school the subjects I did best in were the ones where I refused to look at my grade until report cards, so that I neither get discouraged not over-confidence. I truly fear overconfidence, and just as much perhaps I fear the fear of overconfidence; what if by choosing to acknowledge these thoughts consciously will bring about my own demise?

Perhaps the key is keeping it secret, and not actually bragging. [and so the "quiet favourites" tag is born/] There was a purpose to putting this here; not for gloating, but entertainment. It started as just a caption, and then it became all of this. 

This really makes me realize how this blog has become a way of preventing me from burying all my happy thoughts in sad ones. I would like to reorganize my photos better to also reflect this, but that is another project for another time.

Also, most originally the purpose of this is definitely for my own entertainment, and to document this kind of cute secret I have with myself, beyond putting up a photo of cradling a jar of m&ms without context. 

~~ [it gets super stream of thought from here.]

Thanks to Christina for the m&ms by the way :) 

Wait, not just "by the way." I forgot the caption itself is "Thank you for the m&ms :)", originally written for an email to Christina.

As archaic as email sounds to the modern ear, it is one of my favourite methods of digital communication as it is not only easy to organize, but I can send it to people in the middle of the night (when I tend to feel most inspired -which reminds me, what do you think of the name @mel.at.midnight. Too quirky overshadowing a variety of moody content? Not neutral enough? [Added later because this hsould be a different post also under today but I'm too a little too mentally tired to make another one at the moment: Too bad my favourites, melodious/melodiious and mels.notbook, are taken. Lunar.melodies would be a nice nod to lunar-winds and not forsaking l~w which is essentially the name of my writer's voice, but it sounds like a DVD for babies so they are smart and can listen to Mozart or something.])

Sorry, let me start over. I like that I can send emails to people in the middle of the night (when I am most inspired) probably without waking them up with a notification on their phone.

thinking of starting an IG account for select highlights under a different name than l~w

So the username "melodiious" is taken by a Melissa?

ExCUsE mE

~~

(just joking. My name is Melody, a friend nicknamed Em gave me the nickname melodious.)

While it's not possible for them to all be right about things, and I do have my own beliefs, different religions often mean different ways people are trying to to be close to God, and that in itself is a beautiful thing.

Creatives and mental illness

You do not have to be mentally ill to be creative. It is true that mental illness can even block creativity. However, being deluded definitely helps people publish. 

[posts from this day and most others since late June published Aug 1. Evidently I was not deluded enough for a while.]

Scared to post because I'm not a pickup line kind of person, but

I don't wanna go to sleep; because I'm already dreaming about you.

//

I don't need to sleep. I'm already dreaming about you

Sleep is not only for dreaming

~~

Will let you guess what day this was actually published on, lol.

"And then I eat your love."

"And then I eat your love"

This is a disturbing thought I have whenever someone gives me food. It's not a warm fuzzy one, it is actually filled with despair and the sense that I am taking from you, and once I eat it for myself it is gone. It also hints at the terrible reality of the temporariness of life. (In this system). I always fear every time that this will be someone's last gesture of love to me.

It also makes me disgusted with myself for accepting it, as if I am reducing their love to a bite of food. (I think this might be OCD). [Published Aug 1. I don't even know if where I filed it in the archives is even when I wrote it. I'm going to stop using the "personal" tag so liberally, too. This whole blog is personal, the lines between what is personal and what is my written work become all the more blurred, and as this happens perhaps this is not the worst thing in the long run.]

July 24th thoughts

Idea for a game based on synesthesia:

You say a number and everyone has to decide what colour it is

~~

The strangest thing about humans is there can be glaring life and death issues, but young or old they will constantly prioritize who you may or may not have a crush on over everything.

~~

Published Aug 1. Sorry for the eyesores of having a different publishing date plastered all over posts from the last couple months. I have been very mentally distant these days.

The thought I was trying to remember on July 23

Published Aug 1

When your heart doesnt have a home

History, Greenhouses, and Tea

I remember you for the way you looked at people, the way you looked a the water and the clouds, the way you saw the world.for the kidnbess and empathy you showed to people without discrimination, for the cute indignation you got when you started to feel impatient.
For the conversations going back and forth trying to build up, even when we had no idea ourselves.
(History, greenhouses, and tea,
All the ways we were trapped together,
And all the ways we were free.)
For your explanation of the Ottoman Empire, for your faith in the Kingdom of God,
For the moments we sat in silence,
And all the dreams we sat in together.
For gushing about Mongolia and Myers-Briggs,
For the coy smile you had when you spoke Japanese.
For goofy faces and our favourite places,
Until we meet again, this is how
I keep you in my heart my dearest partner and
friend,
Between you and me and God,
With love,
Mel

Published 2022-08-01

Picnics with my family

Ants on the picnic blanket

A whispy floats by to start a new life somewhere else

Published 2022-08-01

Eternity - beach painting

- Eccl. 3:11 -

He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has been out eternity in their hearts.

Paint You Back to Life

I see photoshopped landscapes you would love to wake up in,

And artists scratch tiny details with countless lines and layers in your favourite colours.

Could I paint you back to life? 

Could there ever be a canvas wide enough,

Does the world have enough pigment?

If I spent my whole life building a collection and perfecting the art, could I take on the responsibility to draw you out of blank pages?

Could I make you immortal, could I keep you with me if I just try hard enough?

Couldn't

From the day I decided I wasn't afraid of dying

But afraid of what I might live through, to

The day I became everything I swore I wouldn't,

And lived through what I thought I couldn't.

Published 2022-08-01

The best and the worst of my mother

Her answer is always "can I just give you mine?"

She raised herself to be a resource, which is sad.

She is much more than that.

Published 2022-08-01

Poem - Photo With the Candle

Photo With the Candle (published 2022-08-01)

This was the her I knew most.

In sync for better or worse, we found ourselves falling into the same ditches at the same time,

Unable to pull the other out,

So instead we sat there keeping eachother company,

Wandering around mazes of the same mental traps we set for ourselves,

Getting lost together.

(I know I say the same things over and over but)

I always wished I could have brought out her best side, instead of only her most raw.

And I wished she could do the same for me.

And this is why I don’t know if in the end I regret being there more or being there less.

Everything can become a regret when you end up with the bad outcome.

Amara, when you wake up you will have your old name, and also a new name.

永霞。

Eternal rosy clouds, the kind you see at sunset and also sunrise

For your name means Eternal,

and the first thing everyone said was “you are a dreamer, aren’t you?” Because we could see your head up in the clouds

I always think of sunset, but it’s sunrise, too.

And you always liked rose gold, and we talked about rose gold rings.

Because you live with your head in the clouds and have a heart of rose gold.

And for your namesake and all of your future, Eternal.

I’m going to spend my life now telling people about this girl who was an old soul, lived with her head in the clouds, and had a heart of rose gold.

I could never keep up with her, she was always one step ahead of me and this ended up being both her strength and her fatal flaw,

Because she couldn’t bring herself to give someone else the burdens she never deserved to have to carry in the first place.

But her name means Eternal.

So every day I watch the sunset and I always will,

And spend the rest of my life picking out the rosy clouds waiting for sunrise.

June 5 - June 15 many Shorts in one catch-up post

June 5

Is grieving like a rock tumbler?

The grief is still all there, but it softens the edges some of it ends up in smaller, more manageable pieces.

Edit: why does that opening sound like a pickup line

~~

Anything can become a regret when you end up with the bad outcome

~~

I don’t want to be one of those people who just argued their way through life, just pushes to make things go their way instead of actually earning things.

~~

“Emails sent, texts answered, Duolingo done, all other tasks completed. Now I can stress in peace.”

~~

All of reality cannot be purely a simulation or dream within my own mind at least, I’m not smart enough to be able to invent entire disciplines of science in my mind complete with laws of nature that are consistent with one another’s.

June 13

Do we need an impending end to compel us to make it worthwhile, though? 

I understand the draw of saying things like "knowing we have an ending is what makes life worthwhile." I understand both the thought and its comforting. I have felt it too, and thought perhaps it is the end of the canvas that compels us to appreciation, and that this appreciation is what makes the piece beautiful.

But one of the questions that changed my life was being asked “are you more motivated by negativity (eg. fear) or positivity (eg. desire)?”. Surrounded by the artistry of a universe we never see the edges of though made me realize it’s ok to just not want an ending that is coming anyway.

This is not that canvases are any less beautiful for the edges I can see, but had to think a little bigger to know we don't need to have final edges in sight to perceive endless beauty.

June 15

Welcome to the land of music,

Where all that is in your heart exists.

~~

Music is a way of expressing and making real ideas in your mind and what is in your heart, using a universal language, without necessarily making those thoughts vulnerable to the criticisms of others.

Published 2022-08-01

Some Things I Mess up in Mandarin

少shǎo/shào，小xiǎo

si, ci, and se 

“Yun” eg. 我自己的名：妙韵

This sound in my name so the problem comes up a lot.

ju, zhu

qu, chu 

Zhe, zhi. eg. Feng Zhiwei, 这是not zhì 是

encourage vs exerting great effort, guli vs nuli. I don’t even remember which one each is, respectively.

Distinguishing ǒ vs ó tones (not specific to this vowel)

Formerly, 聚会jùhuì vs 会众huìzhòng. There is a 50% chance I accidentally told someone I‘m learning Chinese because I want to go to Chinese parties as opposed to a Chinese congregation. I don’t even like parties.

 It’s embarrassing being the person stuff happens to.

Highlight from the book of Proverbs

 Proverbs chapter everything: “[Shut up.]”

The past, the present, and the future (sketch)

It has been a long time since I’ve sketched.

It started with wanting to sketch a flower. (Actually, wanting to paint a flower, until I saw the charcoal pencil.) Then they became the black-eyed Susan’s. Then they became specifically the black-eyed Susans from last summer.

Then came the log in front of them, then it became the garden with some of its textures and shapes of pots and all, then I decided to sketch PB my squirrel from the old house here just because. And I added the neighbour’s fence and yard.

And it became a sketch of my past and present and future, for it is here that I have dreamt of a beautiful future so many times.

Those Colours (with abbr. notes)

Once in a while, remembering the bad also helps you remember the good.

~~

Those colours to remember the bad too; the context of what made it hard; the insecurities that underscored "we have to keep this". The reality; the whole. Permission to feel the good in their rawest and truest form, and appreciation that next time we will be able to feel the good, without the burdens of the bad.

Also, the reminder of other colours, that there are others I can still relate to. Colours that speak "you are not alone ask you perceive yourself to be", infusing me with strength to carry on as I wait.

Note: If the second section after the "~~" doesn't make sense to you that is ok, it's not supposed to. (Also please know I am just being cryptic for my own sake because honestly I just wanted this in an accessible place to reference later, the full piece is not for publishing). The theme behind it however, is that sometimes remembering the bad in an overall good situation and not pushing it away can help you remember the realistic whole, including the real good that kept you there in an especially raw and authentic way.

River Searching for the Sea Part Whatever: AI-generated image and sky waterfalls

Generated by Nightcafe AI (prompt by myself, user Melodious)

"水路 detailed matte painting" Series

Like a river searching for the sea,

I know not where I am going, the path ahead's sinuosity,

but know I am where I am supposed to be.

See you at the outlet.

In a previous post or two, I've probably described how as a child I always wondered where rivers got so much water that they just kept flowing. Where do rivers get so much water?

Someone said it came from the mountains, and I imagined mountains high up near the clouds, with some equivalent of a river or waterfall pouring out from the clouds down the mountain. This AI-generated image with the prompt 水路 meaning "waterway" in Chinese (with an artistic modifier selected) is the closest thing to depicting what my little brain could come up with.

As I grew older I continued to collect answers like "from the mountains", "from the rain". The water cycle as a whole made perfect sense, but exactly how such long, moving channels, some of them very wide too, could be constantly replenished with so much water was not something I knew how to envision. After all, the water just keeps flowing forward with its previous space being replenished, not like a lake that could act as an enormous bowl catching water or rain barrel.

What I didn't understand at that time was watersheds, and that the bowl is much bigger.

(For more information on watersheds, see my naturenimbus.blogspot.ca post about it.)

As I learned more about hydrology and quantifying runoff, this concept became much clearer . 

Rivers are replenished by tiny drops of rain and other precipitation. It seems impossible, but they are. Rivers collect runoff, rainwater that has flowed across such a large area of the watershed, funneled into water channels. They start with tiny streaks, and they combine into creeks, and creeks into rivers.

Answered prayers work this way, too. Sometimes we wait and we pray and we watch for something like a waterfall from the heavens. Because life is so hard, we may wonder could we be replenished by anything less than a miracle?

Sometimes the answer is big like a flood, other times it is countless little things like rain scattered across a wide area, but in this way God hears us and answers our prayers, and can give you the strength to keep enduring.

Whatever Suits Your Style

Who decided that suits look good?

Or tulle?

Sorry but I don't like the way Western suits look, or most suits deemed suitable for formal occasions to be fair, with few exceptions. Just an aesthetic preference. 

NightCafé AI Art Profile

https://creator.nightcafe.studio/u/melodious

Still need to comb through to decide which will stay published, but yeah this is super cool.

Chinese idiom for "out of the frying pan into the fire"

避坑落井 

bì kēng luò jǐng

dodge a pit only to fall into a well (idiom); out of the frying pan into the fire

https://www.purpleculture.net/dictionary-details/?word=%E9%81%BF%E5%9D%91%E8%90%BD%E4%BA%95

Beauty in the four-eyed beholder

Ok this is not a rule, just an observation, but often compatible people who wear glasses have similar glasses

 The colours of the sunset are the guarantee.

Kinds of best friends

You can have more than one best friend. The value of a friendship is not something I look at purely in a "quantitative" way, but they can each be just as valuable with qualitative differences that makes them unique and special in their own way.

I remember talking to certain friends about this. For example, there is the other half of my brain; my twin; and the love of my life. Each are immeasurably important, special, and irreplaceable.

The way I see it, twin flames are like narwhals and unicorns.

I don't think the psychic part is real, but there is something functionally similar enough or with similar enough effects to make a person naturally wonder.

~~

^The effect is doubled for us because people already thought we could read minds lol.

Being asked if you are psychic on a semi-regular basis is just part of growing up INF 👯

When we give into self-pity in a valued relationship,

And instead of putting effort to save closeness we put effort into actively trying to prove distance and a narrative of our victimhood,

(Like a self-fulfilled prophecy)

We lose closeness and trust in ways that may never be explained.

Of course I’ll never be the same again

Of course I’ll never be the same again,

And I’d never want to be.

No matter how big or small, all the changes are more writing on the wall that read:

“Amara was here.”

Sad hydrology (early hours rambling, Meet You at the Outlet)

Hydrology. Aside from stats, hydrology is one of my favourite applications of math. (How you wrapped your head around economics still puzzles me. Oh yeah, I told you this already. It's nice that we have come full circle with numbers together.)

We talked about the water cycle in the meeting today, and it reminded me of our conversation about the river. I'm glad we got to talk about it.

My sweet friend, I wish you could have stayed with me longer. But I know you will be there at the outlet. 

You beat me to it.

I remain a river searching for the sea. I cry my eyes out and cry out all the tears, threatening to leave the river dry. 

But as I have faith that a river is fed by rain, I have faith that I can be sustained enough to meet you at the outlet.

Meet you at the sea.

Why no wedding ring (Version 2, I think)

If I were to get married, I wouldn't want a wedding ring.

Maybe making one out of plants to use for the ceremony that can be put in a scrapbook. But after that I just want to wear a random ring for that external signal.

I don't want to tie it up with an object, and although I know that's not really what people are doing I will emotionally process it like that object is relevant or almost like part of the marriage itself if I wear it all the time. 

Which isn't a good thing to be reduced to to begin with, aside from the fact that it would be so devastating if it were lost or stolen.

Have you ever seen that photo of the rings at Auschwitz? It is a photo of a huge pile of wedding rings stolen from the prisoners.

That might be one of the most disturbing photos without any biological thing in it in the world. (Photos of bodies or something, of course that is completely awful in an immediate way).

But it is so deeply unsettling to look at that picture for what it means.

~~

What has made me think about rings again is I have been wearing a specific type of ring that you liked.

I wore it the first time I went out with people since the terrible day. It was bittersweet, and nice having the reminder of you throughout the day. It also served as a tangible reassurance to myself that going out and seeing the flowers or spending time with people doesn't mean I'm trying to forget you; naturally-occurring evidence that on the contrary, I really wanted that reminder of you all the day, and in truth I wish with my whole heart that you were there.

I'm not going to wear it all the time, because I don't want not wearing it to ever mean that I'm not thinking of you or wishing you were there. But it was really good to have on that first day.

All at once

It’s pretty easy to keep track of how long I’ve been studying Mandarin. I know many people kind of test it out and start slowly then gradually create a more regular routine, but I just started Duolingo the next day and then just kept studying every day.

Sometimes a change happens, all at once, and for better or worse it just becomes every day for the rest of your life.

Many people don't want friendship, they want approval.

Written 2022-04-25, published 2022-04-27

A Thousand Moons (Part 2, poem)

I always tried to be nice to old people,

Knowing that most of their best friends had died.

Yet never did I imagine,

We would say goodbye at 25.

The grief attacks will lessen they say,

But the pain always continue in waves.

But if I can’t change the past then I guess such waves are welcome;

I wouldn’t have it any other way.

We never completed each other,

And was was never the strongest friend.

But we were mirrored twins,

And I walked with you to the end.

I knew this day was coming,

But genuinely didn’t think it would be so soon.

So until I see you again my friend,

I’ll count a thousand moons.   

(Published 2022-04-27, written 2022-04-26)

~~

Monday was my first DNA day without you. 

If you are a time traveler

       If anyone is a time traveler, I beg that you please go back and find me on February 6, 2022, EST. My phone number from that time is (416) 948-9327 (call twice to break through do not disturb) and my email is melody6040@gmail.com. I’d post my home address but it is the internet, after all.

       Tell me you are a friend of a FiNe sis (if I don't get that right awy say my INFP), and no matter what is happening we need to go to her now and save her and involve everyone because by the end of this week she is going to kill herself.

        We must never leave her alone even for a moment.

        Please feel free to tell me how you know this. Her and I will both believe you, and I think her knowing these great lengths themselves will stop her.

          Please. I and many others would be so, so grateful.

"Today is my first DNA Day without her."

"Today is my first DNA Day without her. It is such a highly-specific thing, but amoung other things she was my language and anthropology buddy. While doing research on some proto-Mongol tribes this past week I may have found evidence for a mystery in anthropology -within what happened to be one of our friend's family clan book of all places- which I know she would have loved to dive into.

I've been afraid of returning to anything I enjoy, like this. Part of it is just not feeling like it, but for most of them because almost all of them are things I shared closely with her. But I guess this is part of what it means to keep moving forward with life, without forgetting.

It also prompted me to check my old DNA test profile for updates. This time it came with a similar funny story to something that happened with [her] results a few years ago....She was a mildly miffed about it ... and now I am in similar shoes.

It made me smile a bit, in a bittersweet way."

Written 2022-04-25, Published 2022-04-27

The Tragedy of The Rise of Phoenixes (***Spoilers in First Section***) & Ethical Optimism

(This section has major spoilers)

The reason of "it would be bad for Ning Yi as emperor" for him and Feng Zhiwei to marry doesn't make sense logically. And even if that was a legitimate concern, given their characters one would also think that they would find a creative solution, but deep down it feels like Feng Zhiwei being coerced to make that vow (and then even renewing it of her own accord later) is ultimately to blame.

A lot of the tragedy in this show is voiced in what Feng Zhiwei says on death row: that she wanted to change her own fate, but not like that. This theme is painfully reflected once again in their relationship, and how their same strong-willed spirits that draw them to eachother is exactly what stopped them from being married right when it was arranged by others at the start.

(Yes I posted this somewhere else on the internet, and may even post it again somewhere else. All you have is my word on it, but it's just an opinion it's not that serious either way. Honestly I'm so irrationally anxious about the idea of my online socials being linked to this blog as if any of it matters that I might remove this anyway.)

~~

(Only the last sentence of this section has spoilers)

Since this isn't a forum comment and I can write as much or as little as I please without feeling pressure, lets also turn this into a theme statement, just like in high school English:

A cost of exercising free will is regret.

Part of the philosophy of optimism is that we live in the best of all possible worlds, rooted in the thought that a loving God would surely put into motion a world that works out as the most optimal world.

I am not sure how strongly I'd cling to that assumption (especially claiming that that action is the only course for a loving God... it sounds like it makes sense to me right now but what do I know). But from this lens something I have thought about a lot is how perhaps it would be seen that all the suffering that has resulted in this world is the cost of the existence of free will. And that naturally, provided that the deleterious effects are temporary and are promised to be undone by God after the appointed time, with an eternity after of the claims that caused the suffering resolved it really could be said that this is the best of all possible worlds to live in; not because every step was predestined, but because of free will being granted to be exercised.

So while it has come with suffering and regret, a cost of temporary suffering and regret is contrasted with what it buys: free will paired with guaranteed eternal future where that pain is undone.

If you check out the comments associated with the account I used to repost the first portion of this post you can see a change in my thinking, and the timing should line up well with other posts on this blog tagged "Philosophy" and "optimism." (For this post, please don't mind the "personal essays tag. It's not a personal essay really but it's tagged this way just because of the potential for the topic to be used for one.)

That said... ever the optimist I am, under all this premise it also makes me see it that if Feng Zhiwei and Ning Yi were real, although we can't see it on Netflix now their story isn't really over. )

~~

After discussing this, it makes me think that perhaps positive-thinking can be smaller-picture and more immediate, while optimism relies on a bigger-picture.

"The Child Who is Not Embraced by the Village Will Burn it Down to Feel its Warmth" - African Proverb

"The Child Who is Not Embraced by the Village Will Burn it Down to Feel its Warmth" - African Proverb

This is a very well-written answer:

https://qr.ae/pvsDcb 

Gang Hao Yu Jian Ni (Just Met You) 刚好遇见你 Song by Li Yu Gang 李玉刚

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hYDXObkUP4E&list=RDMM&start_radio=1&rv=osdoLjUNFnA

Thank you YouTube's zoic Meso for the lyrics translation

Gang Hao Yu Jian Ni (Just Met You) - 刚好遇见你 - Đúng lúc gặp Người - Pinyin Lyrics with English / Vietnamese Translation, Vietsub, Lời Dịch

我们哭了 我们笑着

Wǒmen kūle wǒmen xiàozhe

We cried. We laughed

Chúng Ta Từng Khóc. Rồi Đây Lại Mỉm Cười 

我们抬头望天空

wǒmen táitóu wàng tiānkōng

We lift our heads towards the sky

Ngẩng Đầu Ngắm Tinh Không 

星星还亮着几颗

xīngxīng hái liàngzhe jǐ kē

A few stars are still shining there

Vẫn Còn Đó Những Ngôi Sao Lung Linh Tỏa Sáng 

我们唱着 时间的歌

wǒmen chàngzhe shíjiān de gē

We are singing the song of time

Chúng Ta Xướng Lên Ca Khúc Của Thời Gian 

才懂得相互拥抱

cái dǒngde xiānghù yǒngbào

To finally understand the mutual embrace 

Mới Hiểu Được Những Cái Ôm Trao Nhau 

到底是为了什么

dàodǐ shì wèile shénme

And what it was for

Rốt Cuộc Là Vì Sao... 

因为我刚好遇见你

yīnwèi wǒ gānghǎo yùjiàn nǐ

Because I just met you

Bởi Vì Đúng Lúc Gặp Gỡ Người

留下足迹才美丽

liú xià zújì cái měilì

Leaving behind the beautiful footsteps

Lưu Lại Những Dấu Ấn Mới Đẹp Làm Sao 

风吹花落泪如雨

fēngchuī huā luò lèi rú yǔ

The winds blowing

The flowers falling like it's rain

Gió Thổi Hoa Rơi Như Nước Mắt Tuôn Chảy 

因为不想分离

yīn wéi bùxiǎng fēnlí

Trying to avoid seperation 

Là Vì Không Muốn Chia Ly... 

因为刚好遇见你

yīnwèi gānghǎo yùjiàn nǐ

Because I just met you  

Bởi Vì Đúng Lúc Gặp Gỡ Người 

留下十年的期许

liú xià shí nián de qíxǔ

Leaving behind ten years of hope

Lưu Lại Lời Hứa Hẹn Mười Năm 

如果再相遇

rúguǒ zài xiāngyù

If we meet again

Nếu Có Duyên Tái Ngộ

我想我会记得你

wǒ xiǎng wǒ huì jìde nǐ

I believe will remember you

Tôi Tin Mình Vẫn Sẽ Nhận Ra Anh

我们哭了 我们笑着

Wǒmen kūle wǒmen xiàozhe

We cried, we laughed

Chúng Ta Từng Khóc. Rồi Đây Lại Mỉm Cười

我们抬头望天空

wǒmen táitóu wàng tiānkōng

We lift our heads towards the sky

Ngẩng Đầu Ngắm Tinh Không 

星星还亮着几颗

xīngxīng hái liàngzhe jǐ kē

A few stars are still shining there

Vẫn Còn Đó Những Ngôi Sao Lung Linh Tỏa Sáng 

我们唱着 时间的歌

wǒmen chàngzhe shíjiān de gē

We are singing the song of time

才懂得相互拥抱

cái dǒngde xiānghù yǒngbào

To finally understand the mutual embrace 

Chúng Ta Xướng Lên Ca Khúc Của Thời Gian 

到底是为了什么

dàodǐ shì wèile shénme

And what it was for

Rốt Cuộc Là Vì Sao... 

因为我刚好遇见你

yīnwèi wǒ gānghǎo yùjiàn nǐ

Bởi Vì Đúng Lúc Gặp Gỡ Người

Because I just met you

留下足迹才美丽

liú xià zújì cái měilì

Leaving behind the beautiful footsteps

Lưu Lại Những Dấu Ấn Mới Đẹp Làm Sao 

风吹花落泪如雨

fēngchuī huā luò lèi rú yǔ

The winds blowing

The flowers falling like it's rain

Gió Thổi Hoa Rơi Như Nước Mắt Tuôn Chảy 

因为不想分离

yīn wéi bùxiǎng fēnlí

Trying to avoid seperation

Là Vì Không Muốn Chia Ly... 

因为刚好遇见你

yīnwèi gānghǎo yùjiàn nǐ

Because I just met you

Bởi Vì Đúng Lúc Gặp Gỡ Người

留下十年的期许

liú xià shí nián de qíxǔ

Leaving behind ten years of hope

Lưu Lại Lời Hứa Hẹn Mười Năm 

如果再相遇

rúguǒ zài xiāngyù

If we meet again

Nếu Có Duyên Tái Ngộ

我想我会记得你

wǒ xiǎng wǒ huì jìde nǐ

I believe will remember you

Tôi Tin Mình Vẫn Sẽ Nhận Ra Anh

因为我刚好遇见你

yīnwèi wǒ gānghǎo yùjiàn nǐ

Because I just met you 

Bởi Vì Đúng Lúc Gặp Gỡ Người

留下足迹才美丽

liú xià zújì cái měilì

Leaving behind beautiful footsteps

Lưu Lại Lời Hứa Hẹn Mười Năm 

风吹花落泪如雨

fēngchuī huā luò lèi rú yǔ

The winds blowing

The flowers falling like it's rain

Gió Thổi Hoa Rơi Như Nước Mắt Tuôn Chảy 

因为不想分离

yīn wéi bùxiǎng fēnlí 

Trying to avoid seperation

Là Vì Không Muốn Chia Ly... 

因为刚好遇见你

yīnwèi gānghǎo yùjiàn nǐ

Because I just met you

Bởi Vì Đúng Lúc Gặp Gỡ Người

留下十年的期许

liú xià shí nián de qíxǔ

Leaving behind ten years of hope

Lưu Lại Lời Hứa Hẹn Mười Năm 

如果再相遇

rúguǒ zài xiāngyù

If we meet again

Nếu Có Duyên Tái Ngộ

我想我会记得你

wǒ xiǎng wǒ huì jìde nǐ

I believe will remember you

Tôi Tin Mình Vẫn Sẽ Nhận Ra Anh

因为我刚好遇见你

yīnwèi wǒ gānghǎo yùjiàn nǐ

Because I just met you

Bởi Vì Đúng Lúc Gặp Gỡ Người

留下足迹才美丽

liú xià zújì cái měilì

Leaving behind the beautiful footsteps

Lưu Lại Những Dấu Ấn Mới Đẹp Làm Sao 

风吹花落泪如雨

fēngchuī huā luò lèi rú yǔ

The winds blowing

The flowers falling like it's rain

Gió Thổi Hoa Rơi Như Nước Mắt Tuôn Chảy 

因为不想分离

yīn wéi bùxiǎng fēnlí

Trying to avoid seperation

Là Vì Không Muốn Chia Ly...  

因为刚好遇见你

yīnwèi gānghǎo yùjiàn nǐ

Because I just met you

Bởi Vì Đúng Lúc Gặp Gỡ Người

留下十年的期许

liú xià shí nián de qíxǔ

Leaving behind the ten years expectations

Lưu Lại Lời Hứa Hẹn Mười Năm 

如果再相遇

rúguǒ zài xiāngyù

If we meet again

Nếu Có Duyên Tái Ngộ

我想我会记得你

wǒ xiǎng wǒ huì jìde nǐ

I believe I will remember you

Tôi Tin Mình Vẫn Sẽ Nhận Ra Anh

A thousand moons (algebra) - 1,364

April 15, 2022 Memorial Night

There are 13 full moons once every two and a half years, or 2 years with 13 full moons every five years. So on mean average there are 12.2 full moons each calendar year in the Gregoria calendar. (12 every lunar year).

We were about 26 when it happened and I probably won’t live longer than 100, so let’s go with 100-26.

Let y be the horrible age

Old numbers

= (100-y)*(2 for mirroring)*(number of full moons in a year)

= (100-26)*2*[12+(2/5)]

= 74*2*12.2

= 1850

Edit: average life expectancy for a Canadian woman is 82.05 years. Why make this harder for myself going with 100, scratch 100 let’s go with 82.

Adjusted numbers

= (82-y)*(2 for mirroring)*(number of full moons in a year)

= (82-26)*2*[12+(2/5)]

= 56*2*12.2

= 1366

So while we don’t know exactly how it’ll work, I can make a soft plan to see you again in less than 1,366 moons.

It has already been more than 2 full moons, so less than 1,364 moons.

(Wow 1,366 already feels so much better than 1,850. The power of statistics.)

And as the adage goes, a day for a year.

1364/12 = 111.8

So in that way, 112 days. I can do that. I don't mind waiting, you're worth it.

(I’m the J, so makes sense ;p)

You promised to geek out with me about math, since we were in sync obsessing over math at the same time. This will be our starting point.

Lechuga.

This is a core meme 

Idea: make a meme called "core memes"

If you had to choose

If you had to pick between being able to trust someone’s mind or being able to trust their heart, which would you choose?

(~2020)

Modified Sesame Salad Dressing

Modified Sesame Salad Dressing

Based on Nona’s Japanese Creamy Sesame Salad Dressing by Rinshinomori/food.com

Ingredients

• 1/2 cup mayonnaise

• 1/2 cup plain 2% yogurt

• 2 tablespoon soy sauce

• 1 tablespoon sugar

• 2 1/2 tablespoon tahini

• 2 1/2 tablespoon roasted and ground sesame seeds

• 5 1/2 tablespoons rice vinegar

• 2 teaspoon sesame oil

• 1 teaspoon garlic powder

• 1 teaspoon mustard powder

• 1 1/2 teaspoon salt

• 1/4 teaspoon black pepper 

Add water gradually while whisking to desired consistency.

Directions

Blend all ingredients thoroughly. Refrigerate leftovers.

The thought that makes me cry the most

The possibility of someday being old without her this whole time.

It's too long.

April 7 Grief Thoughts (Just try harder / contagious)

Just try harder

I'm used to being able to just try harder to fix it.
There is a barrier? Just put in more work, more concentration. Catch up. 
But no matter how hard I try this time I can't fix it.
You think you can't do any more? Push harder. You have to sleep? Just stay awake. Just do it.
Never give up, never let up, only intensify.
But no matter how many nights I stay up, and no matter how hard I try, I still haven't gone back in time.

~~ ~~

They avoid me like I have something contagious
And I makes me wonder if maybe I do.
My Dearest Friend,
Did I somehow do this to you?
Did you get this from breathing the same air as me too much?
Despite my efforts to life you up, did I accidentally weigh you down?
~~
I don't want to move on enough to be the same person as I was. How could I?
What I want I cannot have. I want these last two months to have never happened.

~~ ~~

Re-published as one post 2022-04-11

"To the End of the Road" February 17 Letter Excerpts

....

Being in sync. Is this not what characterized our friendship? Being in sync for better or worse; including falling into the same pits at the same time, neither of us able to pull the other out though we try, because we can't even find our own way out of these mental traps. So we just sit there, keeping eachother company.

When you reappeared in my life though, it we were in sync in the worst possible ways. The timing could not have been worse.

I just couldn’t run for you anymore the way I used to. No matter how much I wanted to. I really did.

So I committed to walk with you, no matter how long or how short that road may be, no matter where the road may go.

But then, the day came when I couldn't even stand on own two feet; so I crawled, trying to stay by your side.

But it wasn’t enough, and you slipped away from me.

I’m so sorry I couldn’t be the friend you needed to lean on. I’m sorry I wasn’t strong enough.

~~

(later edits, when more words could flow)

Thank you for being my friend. A better friend than I could ever ask for, and a better friend than I know you ever imagined yourself to be. Always genuine, with unending kindness and ever-curious.

I love you.

Next time I’ll do better. I know you said you don’t know if God will deem you worthy of a second chance but I know He will. So when that happens please give me a second chance.

I miss you, and until then I always will.

Re-published 2022-04-11 15:53