Lessons in guilt

It's true there is need to not avoid guilt, but still self-regulate.

I am aware this process must be allowed the time and patience called for. I must feel what I am feeling appropriately, accept responsibility and not dodge accountability.

I must reflect on and appropriately feel this darkness, however, out of a wounded superego I must not project and cover all the world that I touch with that darkness. I must continue to care for myself physically, spiritually, and emotionally, and this must be done if I am to still be there and be present for others I ought to be in the meantime, in the ways I should.

Two friends tried to help me find less extreme perspective from what I had in that moment. When one of them reminded me of the above however using other words, I didn't realize this at the time but it was basically reading my mind a day in advance.

I was already at the place of openly acknowledging I need to have self-control and patience to make this process centered around making peace and doing right as much as possible by the person I hurt now, not just absolving my guilt as soon as possible. He said that was good and important I was there, but he also knew what I would have to be reminded of tomorrow.

What he was doing just might be the definition of using one's own pain and struggles to help others.

How to train your dragon live action thought on Astrid

 Another thought about how to train Your Dragon in the new Version: This iteration of Astrid is growing on me. It's funny how worked up. I was about the teal (I was so disproportionately worried she wouldn't match her dragon lol), but really. That said, I think what felt weird to me, especially was as Jono pointed out the mascara and also I feel like it was a fact that she was so much easier to take seriously and she wasn't comic relief.

      At first between the all burgundy outfit and the fact that she had a less edge to start, this sounds silly I felt like I was "missing" cartoon Astrid. It was almost sad like, everything is the same but Astrid isn't here. But I think once her edge and anger showed up a bit, and her team jacket, it felt like "oh good yes she is here, just we get to see even more of her."

      It's different, but also good. (And I feel like a traitor, but I almost love this Astrid just as much if not... Maybe liking her having these layers added too even better 👀)

      And honestly, I take back my upset that she didn't have the teal right form the beginning. This iteration of her has more dimension and dynamics, so that being reflected in her costume (with the brighter more celebratory teal coming like a later) was actually a great.

     All and all fantastic movie, just like the first.

~~

(Sorry my flow is all over the place with this one/doesn't exist really. I'm just kind of adding as I go along, inserting in different spots. Not the normal flow, but just want to get it down for now.)

Highlight on 1 Cor 1:9 - faith in fire

2 Cor 1:9

In fact, we felt that we had received the sentence of death. This was so that we would trust, not in ourselves, but in the God who raises up the dead

~~

    While not in this specific application, I relate to this. How in my most hopeless moments, like a purifying fire, all that was left was faith; and a faith made stronger. Faith, hope, and love.

     Those things are what make brave, wise, capable, or strong.

      While we do not want to oversimplify everything in life in a way that stops of from being thoughtful; thinking, feeling, reflecting, listening deeply.

       But I'm those trials by fire, still these remain, and our option to choose them stands so clear.

Why is the greatest of these "love"? - Personal Study Excerpt

 It is true that not all of this depends on me; I cannot make [someone else's choices for them]. 

       But I can keep doing my part, keep doing what I said I was going to do.

       Faith. Hope. Love. 

       It's interesting to acknowledge this recurring thought that I have about this. When it says "the greatest of these is love, I can't help but have this thought that recognizes that no matter how much I know it's true, I haven't really wrapped my head around why love would be the greatest of these three things, at least in a human. 

       God is love, and he is perfect in his love. 

       Perfect love casts fear out. 

       But I am not perfect; I'm a fearful human; and I don't feel powerful enough to do that. So for an imperfect human like me, how could love be the greatest in a list where there is also Faith? Faith about Jehovah and who he is instead of myself, isn't this so much better? 

       If I am to imitate Jehovah, I do have to be loving. It says the greatest of these is love, not that ones all love is the greatest of those three. Maybe that has to do with something? Honestly I can't say I really know. 

       Jehovah is greater than our hearts. 

      I just looked it up on the website, and perhaps the introduction of the very first thing that came up contains an important answer from me. 

      w00 5/1 pp. 28-31 

      Jehovah Is Greater Than Our Hearts

“JEHOVAH is finding pleasure in those fearing him,” wrote the psalmist. Indeed, the Creator rejoices in observing each of his human servants as they strive to uphold his righteous standards. God blesses his loyal ones, encourages them, and comforts them in times of despair. He knows that his worshipers are imperfect, so he is realistic in what he expects of them.—Psalm 147:11.

We may have no difficulty believing that Jehovah has great love for his servants in general. However, some seem to be so overly concerned about their own shortcomings that they are convinced that Jehovah could never love them. “I am too imperfect for Jehovah to love me,” they may conclude. Of course, we all have negative feelings from time to time. But some seem to wage a constant battle against feelings of worthlessness.

      Jehovah's love is greater than my faith. 

      The more one meditates the more one may find, but this very well might be something I need to think about.

A Lesson, Thinking About a Raw Gemstone Ring

 It's funny, honestly, the only true reservation I had about a raw gemstone ring is that it's so unique I will be more sad if it gets lost.

      I haven't been able to find my raw quartz gemstone ring for several months now. I really liked wearing it, and don't like thinking about how I might not ever find it. 

      And the one that I got to replace it? It really doesn't feel the same at all, and when I first got it I didn't even like it because I was comparing it to the one that I had lost. 

      But I'm glad that I'm not running away from this anymore. Because the reality is the most important things in life are not things that can be replaced. The most important things are not things; these are not what's they are who's, and once we lose a who, there is no way around the devastation.

      A raw gemstone ring is still only a "what".

      And yes, that doesn't mean I can't be disappointed or sad when I lose it. But I choose these kinds of rings to begin with because I like the raw, unique, and natural beauty of them. 

       And is this not the way of life? 

       The people I love, the animals I love, the trees and plants and parks and parts of the city I love; none of these can be replaced. If they can be restored or found that is where the value is. 

       And similar beauty and different aspects to appreciate can be common to them and others, but on an individual level they can never be replaced.

       So while it is disappointing to not be able to find my original ring, as soon as I was able to see the new one for what it is and not just in comparison or in my mind as a replacement for the other, suddenly this new one although different and less rough and more clear than the other, was something I began to appreciate in its own right. And perhaps this is a better way for me to be; not so caught up on comparison, when it is non-comparability itself that is often so special anyway.

       I am still a sentimental sap. But I'm a sentimental sap who is grateful for lessons to be found even in little things and little experiences that will make life that much more whole and wonderful. For when we can live according to what is more important, our lives become more whole.

 I would like many people to think less about, religion and more about God.

      ^ something finally put into words; a thought that has hung in many moments before.

       And I mean this both for nonreligious and religious people, largely. 

 A quote I read on Instagram in a comment today: "Just because your death comes due to the stroke of a pen, and not to the barrel of a gun, doesn't make you any less dead."

Scriptures that come to mind:

Death and life are in the power of the tongue;

Those who love to use it will eat its fruitage.

- Proverbs 18:21

Then Jesus said to him: “Return your sword to its place, for all those who take up the sword will perish by the sword.

- Matthew 26:52

Gratitude journaling excerpt

Courage, Beauty, love from the people around me... Wisdom, faith, correction, direction, opportunity, joy, creativity, hope, health, peace... Sweet moments, meaningful conversations with those close and those not close, resolutions, reminders in meetings [and publications]... times to meditate and times to laugh and times to laugh. Precious time, life, even in this system with something even brighter for the future.

~~

“‘For I well know the thoughts that I am thinking toward you,’ declares Jehovah, ‘thoughts of peace, and not of calamity, to give you a future and a hope. And you will call me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.’ - Jeremiah 29:11,12

 ORIGINAL SONGS

“Honor Jehovah With Your Valuable Things”

https://www.jw.org/finder?wtlocale=E&docid=1014300&srcid=share

I love how proper punctuation has become more socially acceptable again, and less likely to be interpreted as aggressive in casual digital communications.

Might still go without sometimes, though

(^ugh this execution of it feels irritating.)

 🎵 sunset lover - petite biscuit 

#memories

#optimism #positivity

 Love motivates. Our heart on the right place.

Faith helps us choose and remain on the right path, even when afraid.

Hope helps us endure with joy.

Flowers and leaves (sometimes I feel like a plant, again)

Yesterday, like many other times in life, I was reminded of that flowers and leaves thought.

I want to be free to be both my flowers and my leaves. Practical and expressive, logical yet deeply emotional. 

Head and heart, and hand. 

Continuation re: that recent bouquet of flowers I wrote a poem about - see previous post(s)

As I clear out these flowers, I met with a few feelings.

     The thoughts that have rested on this bouquet have meant a lot, from the worst lows to the most painful, loving hopes.

      I have avoided this, but the stems are gray with mold and only a few of the hardy leaves remain. These will be transferred to the smaller vase. (That vase already holds the heartier leaves from a different wonderful magenta bouquet from my grandmother around the same time, still alive and green.

      I fear the benchmark of time; I fear disappointment and the fear itself I will feel how I when another problem inevitably happens, with the absence of those flowers like a stamp of the passage time in a moment things are not perfect or quite possibly even close to good enough yet.

      Perhaps it is true that there is nothing to fear but fear itself, and there is no fear in love.

      It is time to be brave. With every well-preserved yellow flower head I clip off, I feel a little braver.

      I pluck off what looks like dead leaves, but they are a few petals still hanging on from my grandmother's bouquet. These along with what I just clipped and a couple other petals and leaves, will go in the drawer, too.

      Deep green leaves from this bouquet in the vase in the left. Youthful green leaves from the bouquet from my grandma on the right. 

      There is no fear in love, and these green leaves are beautiful.

Little winged eyeliner

 Today I put on thin winged eyeliner for the first time in a very long time.

      I've never been a huge makeup person, but I got excited learning to put on eyeliner specifically when I was younger. (This plus the most nude/my-lip-colour lipstick I could find, on days when I wanted an extra boost, lol.)

      It has been about long, long time since the last time, but I feel like wearing it again today ^_^

~~

Using: MONY no.3 brown-black waterproof pen eyeliner.

      The finest and most precise I've ever used and it makes the most subtle, tiniest wings you want. I get it off yesstyle. 

       I like to use this and clear eyebrow gel (eyebrow gel even with nothing else) to look more like I'm making the expressions I'm actually making. 

~~

I think I stopped with the winged eyeliner normally around that time grief took over. And I tried to do it sometimes after, but except on special occasions it felt forced.

      It was a happy thing I did before, and there was no more happy. 

      But today... It felt natural.

~~

      ...today a bit of old, a bit of new, a bit of love, a bit of nature, a bit of comfort and a bit of confidence.

      A bit of happy and sad and other less clear things.

      Some stuff sucks but there is also some happy, there are still good gifts, and beyond the visible I see myself when I look in the mirror today.

 I realize that I have the opposite problem to most men. I can think with my brain but I cannot see with my eyes. And when I'm looking for something, I think my little process is thinking to myself "maybe if I just think about it harder I'll find it". (I think this is related to me having to ask my mom if she has seen something for me to see it, even if it's right in front of me, and then before she has even checked most of the time I see it right in front of me.)

I pray that I do not lose sight of these blessings, to remain truly grateful, the gratitude that turns into motivation.

May he stoke the fire in my bones, let may gratitude compel me all the more to act out of love for God and love for neighbour.

evermore beautiful than before (update)

 

Avatar maker - half way through the new refresh

 

Journal Excerpt Tonight 🌙

"...there are so many things making me happy tonight... What can I say, I love them <3. And I want to make sure I'm not taking them or other good gifts and joy for granted. The OCD is not me, but it is to appreciate the "little things" 🌌"

~~

Fun fact: the starry sky above natural landscape 🌌 emoji a personal favourite to end a goodnight text.

People with depression say they have SAD.

People with bipolar say they're depressed.

People who have schizophrenia say they are bipolar.

Parents of autistic kids say they have a learning disability.

~~

I can understand people who do this about their mental health, but this shift one over is not exclusive to this.

So often we approach the truth, but then shift over one level.

You were so close, and then took one step away and missed it.

"the sadness of the face makes the heart better." - Ecclesiastes 7:3

A sad day, with a gift of comfort and opportunity

#lunarwinds #sad 

On the bus ride home, once I got on the last bus, I remembered I would be passing my secret favourite place that was recently destroyed. The place with the windows-esque Green Hill, silver and pine trees, a bit of staghorn sumac, and wild flowers and grasses across the manufacturing plant 

Here isy experience in messages to two dear friends:

"They destroyed my secret place. Idk if I want to go and collect sticks and leaves, or not see it the way it is

(at least not from inside where I used to be)

I think I will go just far enough to get a bit from the trees that have been cut, to bury in other places"

And after:

"My favourite secret place got destroyed. Went to say goodbye today, most of it was fenced off

I considered run-jumping it, and then found this on the ground. [The slab of wood, the perfect size for me to carry back.]

This slice of wood just outside the fencing had a couple slugs, beetles, and tiny snails living on it.

Took it with me to take away from the site (naturally), while I picked up some other things to put in my garden.

And then I realized there were three slugs... And they were all pregnant and kept changing their minds between opening their ports to give birth and trying to jump on the bottom of or off the log 😅😅😅

Without the timing of the jumping preggo slugs idk how I'd been able to tear myself away, but them and their neighbours have now been successfully relocated [somewhere else special]."

~~

I was already crying. I let myself. I had to cry and go alone, walking along this place where I went alone and found comfort on so many of my saddest days before.

I had to say goodbye. I had to thank you.

I had to do this alone. And my opportunity to do this, turned into even more.

My heart hurts, but this day means so much.

The wood slice, the opportunity to save the slugs and their neighbours, and the way it helped me continue to interact and walk with purpose, and act as three slow, slimey, living hourglasses to help me go home, and the fact they were relocated safely... 

... all these things are just things. But the physical pieces are beautiful, more than I even dared hope to find, and the opportunity I had was even more.

What perfect presents for until the time comes when this place is restored 🤎

Dreaming With Avatar World

Walk Courageously With God - Introduction Highlights

Walk Courageously With God Introduction - You Can Grow In Courage! p7-8

Reassuring bc they were doubting themselves. It was not only telling them they will be saved, but that yes they can face this!

Re: after Jesus healed them

      It can feel like these gifts are too good for us. How can we ever measure up after receiving this? 

      When my prayers are answered i am elated and grateful and amazed... but i have felt and wrote out loud before that I also get distinctly scared. Like, Jehovah i have always known i will never outgive or match you, but i am scared feeling i am never gonna be good enough in light of what i just recieved. I already know its undeserved kindness, but i look at the future and feel so, so afraid of failing so hard to be food even after I was basically just given a miracle.)

~~

 “be of good courage and say: ‘Jehovah is my helper; I will not be afraid.’”—Heb. 13:5, 6.

"So not be afraid or be terrified because of this large crowd, for the battle is not yours but God’s."

- 2 Chronicles 20:15

Especially light of recent thoughts* feeling so heavy, and so, so much, this feels comforting.

~~

*The thought that brought this to mind: One can't think of everything at the same time all the time, but even in very hard times it can be nice to be reminded every now and then that there is more to you than your current battles.

One can't think of everything at the same time all the time, but even in very hard times it can be nice to be reminded every now and then that there is more to you than your current battles.

Felix right now - my sweet boy

 

Ladybugs keep landing on me left right and Center. So long as I don't hurt them, I don't mind. It's a sweet company.

... reading, Ecclesiastes chapter 8. Immediately, I appreciated the very first verse. It is common for people to act arrogant and superior when they are smart, especially in academics. But I love the acknowledgment that a wise person, in fact can be softened by their wisdom.

Screenshots