A problem has been introduced or at least I just noticed it in my life:
When I ask questions for more information or clarification, it has sometimes been taken as an attack or disrespect. This can include both when asking more out of more initiative, curiosity per se, or feeling something does not make sense.
(Also, I apologize for what is currently almost verbal diarrhoea. And so much about myself, too, my own approaches and and my own thinking, lots of "I" "I" "I" below. I admit with embarrassment that does make up so much of what I write, but for this one especially a better republish could be in the future.)
These are some things I wrote recently that relate to this, regarding a situation where I do feel like something is wrong:
"I value an accurate dataset to base my feelings and opinions on; my questioning or clarifying something (a detail, a cause and effect relationship, a number) literally or very likely incorrect ≠ me attacking you. It's just me trying to not feel shackled ignorance to feelings and opinions I wouldn't necessarily have if my understanding of the reality was better. (Why get angry, sad, or even happy over something based on a misunderstanding? I want freedom hat comes from understanding, I don't want to be... captive to feelings and opinions that wouldn't be mine if I understood something better. Especially in matters of importance of high cost, I want to feel to experience feelings and have opinions that based on my values, not my ignorance)."
To rephrase some core thoughts here (sorry this is going to get redundant sometimes), knowledge is freedom; freedom from the captivity to feelings or opinions that I wouldn't even have or wouldn't be my own if only I just knew better. This is especially true for matters of importance, though I don't think should only be reserved for the biggest things in life altogether.
And I do recognize I can actually overthink too which is not good for a variety of reasons. It could be just not worth the time or energy; I may confuse myself or others unintentionally; if I become too fixated on details in a certain context I could fail to see a the forest for the trees, maybe even a larger picture that once came quickly and naturally/intuitively. But when the approach I am describing can be developed and applied with a level of reaosableness that becomes natural and part of rather than counter to intuition with time (as my mom puts it, "choosing your battles), knowledge can support authenticity and confidence, and rather than be a challenge to decisiveness it can support this as well.
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Regarding the mental attitude where this comes from: I think the main reason questioning is a natural pattern for me is not from thinking I always know best or better than everyone else. On the contrary it's actually from a much larger, broader, and life-directing awareness that I am limited. The things I already think and feel, what I perceive, have limits; straight up I can be dumb and ignorant. There is only so much I can do about being dumb, but and I just don't want to be more limited by my own ignorance than necessary, and try putting diligence into avoiding this to a reasonable degree, feels like the right thing to do to take responsibility for my own life and behaviours.
And if something better than that is in my reach, and in all sincerity I can't say it doesn't seem like it could be important, it would be strange to not reach for it, no?
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Proverbs 18:13: "When anyone replies to a matter before he hears the facts, It is foolish and humiliating."
This also feels like a good approach to be able to use to seek fulfilment and avoid regret.
In another entry somewhere, I wrote something about how at a particularly desperate and out-of-control feeling time of life, if I had to sum up my efforts to get through without giving up simply, it is by "listening" and "faith."
This is another excerpt from my reflections (a separate one) when it was about emphasizing listening and analyzing:
"Because I am strongly driven by this: knowledge. Because knowledge is freedom, and understanding. Knowledge about the world can give a more free life. And I actually want nothing more than for people to see right through me... But the problem is I want it all the way. I don't want them to just get to the ugliest part and then stop there.
...transparency [ie. all the way to not just fears but to the core where I do think I mean well and try my best overall] is my desire, not my fear. Misunderstanding is my fear, and misunderstandings come from Incomplete vulnerability....
And once people invest the patience, listening, open-mindedness, empathy, and thoughtful processing efforts to understand someone more deeply... it makes something beautiful.
And I think this also partly drives some of my extreme concerns [as well as anxieties and overcompensations]. The desire to have this for myself, and equally strong desire to be that for other people. There is no point if it's only them understanding me, emotionally, and there is no genuine freedom to have any confidence to interact with the world and relationships, and write poetry to make art or females about it, if I don't understand what is outside myself."
I have said before that if I could only choose one, between being able to trust only someone's heart or trust only their mind I would choose the heart.
But all my questions are just my best efforts to be both.
I can hope that I can come to express this better, and in a way that makes it clear the distinction between questioning and defiance, or having a defiant, rebellious, or big-headdd attitude.
I do believe there is place in life for compliance without relying on one's own understanding of everything; some things we are just too limited, some times it genuinely is not our right or the respectful thing to request more information, and other things maybe we could but it just isn't the most worthy use of our time.
In fact, one of my favourite passages in the Bible is Proverbs 30.
I very much do not think I know everything.
And it is my hope that while I am not perfect in humility either, it could be understood that my tendency to ask so many questions comes less from thinking I know everything, and more from a pattern that has felt based on a principle of knowing I myself am limited, and I not only want to be understood but also to understand beyond myself.
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